Chapter 19: Chapter 19: Qiu Ling’s Obstinance

Xu Haoran opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He closed his mouth and sighed. Li Yingshan rolled her lips inward and nodded in acceptance.

"I understand," she murmured and turned her head away from him, not letting him see the single tear that rolled down her cheek.

In this life, it seems I only have Qiu Ling. Sadness filled the depths of her eyes. What good is being the Goddess of Moonlight Pagoda if only one person genuinely cares about me?

She swallowed a sob and took a deep breath. Blinking away her tears, she said, "Forget I asked. This wife has already caused you enough trouble. She won't bother you further."

All of a sudden, she shut down once more. Her demeanor changed completely from being a fiery, bold woman to this quiet, submissive woman. Xu Haoran tried to think of the right words to comfort her, but none came to mind.

The rest of the ride back to Xu manor was quiet. When they arrived, Qiu Ling and Xu Haoran helped Li Yingshan out and into her wheelchair.

"Qiu Ling, let's go. I'm tired," she said softly.

Her maid nodded and steered her away. Xu Haoran watched them depart. Zhang Fangong came up beside him.

"Young Master, why didn't you answer Madam?"

"Because I don't know. We're still practically strangers. Though I wish to protect her, I'm not sure whether it comes from what I believe to be the right thing to do or feelings for her."

"I fear Madam will retreat within Cherry Blossom Hall again. After tonight, she might never leave it again."

At Zhang Fangong's final words, Xu Haoran made up his mind and took off running towards Cherry Blossom hall.

∇

Inside her residence, Li Yingshan immediately stood up. She glided over to the bed and sat down. Qiu Ling approached.

"My Lady, are you alright?"

She tilted her head and asked, almost in a daze, "Qiu Ling, would you ever leave me?"

"Of course not! How could you think so little of me, my Lady?"

Her shoulders sagged as she said, "But eventually, you will marry and leave me. Then, I'll still be here. Self-confined to this residence, fated to whither away despite my best efforts not to. You heard what went on inside the carriage. I must just be a duty to Hero Xu." As if an afterthought, she muttered, "More like a burden."

"No, my Lady. Qiu Ling will stay with you." She sat down on the bed, emphasizing her point.

A wan smile spread across Li Yingshan's lips. "Don't think I'm not aware of your little excursions with Zhang Fangong. I can tell he likes you. Do you like him?"

Qiu Ling blushed and wrung her hands. "I- maybe."

Li Yingshan nodded. "In the future, if you two can marry, that will be good. He's a martial artist and can keep you safe. I'll feel better if he's your husband."

"My Lady, why are you talking of this?"

She sighed and stood. "Today has shown me one thing. I can only depend on myself. I don't have support from anyone else. Even my own husband rarely spends time with me, albeit he's usually busy."

Turning around to look at Qiu Ling, she added, "Perhaps it would've been better if I hadn't been cured."

"My Lady!"

"At least, you'd be free to marry whomever you wished. Your life is being wasted attending to me. I shouldn't have forced you to go to Luoyang with me. I was selfish. You could've lived for yourself rather than for me. Maybe my sisters had a point. I'm too self-centered."

"No, my Lady," her maid sobbed.

Li Yingshan gently clasped her hands. "Whenever you wish to marry, just ask me. I'll see that it's done. I owe you that much."

"Qiu Ling won't leave you!"

She shook her head. "Don't let the rest of your life be spent worrying about me. As long as Hero Xu is kind enough, I'll be satisfied. Even if we never truly become husband and wife, I'll be satisfied. Even if the rest of my life is spent here in Cherry Blossom Hall, I'll be satisfied."

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"But-"

"I've held you back long enough. From this day forward, Qiu Ling, you're free. Don't let your obligation to me burden you any longer. If you wish to still help me, then serve Moonlight Pagoda. Carry on my ideas and plans."

"But what about you?" she cried.

"I'll be fine on my own."

Xu Haoran approached Cherry Blossom Hall and was just about to knock on the door.

Qiu Ling's bottom lip quivered, and she shook her head fervently. "My Lady only has Qiu Ling. Qiu Ling won't abandon her Lady!"

Tears welled in Li Yingshan's eyes. This is exactly what I didn't want. Her insistence.

"No, Qiu Ling. Go, live your life. Forget about me. The others are right. I'm not worth the time and effort. Even after everything I've done, it still doesn't matter in the long run. Perhaps I really am useless."

Xu Haoran's hands clenched into fists as he closed his eyes, silently blaming himself. She never lets their words show how much they affect her. But how much does she suffer by having to listen to their cruel judgements?

"But my Lady, look at what you've done. You helped the Seventh Prince become the Crown Prince! Without the information you provided, how could he have beaten his brothers?"

Xu Haoran's head shot up, eyes widening. What?

"Qiu Ling, that was the work of many people. Not just me."

"Still!"

Li Yingshan sat back down on the bed and shook her head. She patted Qiu Ling's head gently. "Silly, you don't understand. I am just one piece of the puzzle. One day, I will be forgotten. No one will remember me. The maids and servants here will forget me. Maybe Hero Xu will too, one day, when he finds a woman he loves. We'll divorce, and then he'll marry her and love her and have children with her. At that point, I'll leave the Jianghu and disappear. Some solitude would be nice. A little house out in the country, on the edge of a lake or hidden in the forest, to spend the rest of my days in. That sounds good to me."

Qiu Ling choked out a sob. At the door, Xu Haoran took a labored breath.

Does she really think so little of herself? Does she not have any hope for the future?

Unable to bear her words any longer, he slid open the doors, startling both women. They gaped at him as he approached. He glanced at Qiu Ling.

"Leave us."

She stood, wiping her tears, and nodded before scurrying out of Cherry Blossom Hall. Xu Haoran stood in front of Li Yingshan.

"Why would you help the Seventh Prince?"

I'm so damned, she thought. Why did I ever think this collaboration was going to end well? My head will roll some day.

"He was kind to me when I first arrived in Luoyang. I paid him back."

"Did you never believe he had ulterior motives?"

She shook her head. "The capital is much different from the Jianghu, Hero Xu."

"What makes you think I'm going to marry someone else?"

She shrugged. "You married me out of principle, not love. We barely know each other, Hero Xu, our marriage is a farce. Therefore, isn't it common sense that when you meet a woman you actually want to be with for the rest of your life, you'll divorce me to make her your legal wife? Or I guess you could just take her as a concubine. I wouldn't even complain. You know what, perhaps you should marry another woman. Seeing as I'm dying anyways, she'll become your legal wife eventually."

He stared at her incredulously. "You're actually urging me to marry someone else?"

"The Fury Black Poison is slowly destroying me. Without the Peace White Tea, I cannot be saved. My fate's sealed. Marry someone else so you can have kids and be happy."

Xu Haoran took another step towards Li Yingshan. He leaned down, so he was face-to-face with her. "As long as you live, I will not marry another. You, Li Yingshan, are my wife, no one else."

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