Chapter 11: 11. Collapsed

I emerged from the bedroom in another outfit I'd picked up yesterday. I had the white sneakers this time, navy blue leggings, and an oversized pink top. It was casual, comfy, and I thought it was kind of cute even though it sort of made me look even younger.

Kelly just finished getting dressed too, she was back in her skinny-jeans and a white t-shirt. It was almost noon, we'd both had a second cup of coffee, showered and gotten dressed. And Kelly called her mom back to let her know her hunch was correct.

Mrs. Connolly would be on a plane this afternoon, she'd be in town tonight. Me and Kelly would drive to the airport together and pick her up, then probably take her to Kelly and Keira's place.

That wouldn't be for another six or seven hours though. Right now we were both hungry, and I wanted waffles.

We were just about to head out the door when Kelly's phone started ringing. She checked the call display then let out a deep sigh as she swiped the screen.

"Hey Keira," she said, sounding irritated.

I had a feeling this might take a few minutes so I sat down on the sofa to wait it out.

Kelly had a frown on her face and shook her head, "No you did not fucking win! The reason Tegan wanted some time away from you was she figured out Noah was really Amy! She wanted to get me out in private so she could tell me."

After another pause Kelly stated "We skipped the movie because Tegan figured it out, dumbass! We came back to her place and I told her the truth... Yes everything."

I could hear her sister chattering away, and after another minute or so Kelly tried to interrupt. "Listen Keira -"

The chatter got louder, and I couldn't tell if Keira was gloating triumphantly or trying to taunt Kelly into another challenge. Kelly looked more and more frustrated though and finally she lost her temper.

"Gods damnit Keira, will you shut the fuck up and listen?!" she shouted into her phone. "Mom's on her way here! I had to ask her for help, ok?"

Another pause, then Kelly sighed "Because I couldn't change Tegan back to normal... No she's still Tegan..."

Kelly's voice started to break as she snapped at the phone, "Because she's a fucking changeling, ok? She can never be turned back! I fucked up her life forever, because of our stupid bet..."

There were tears in Kelly's eyes and I got up and moved to her. I put my arm around her waist and whispered, "Kelly, just hang up ok?"

My girlfriend looked conflicted, blinking away the tears as she hesitated. I think she didn't want to hang up on her sister, but I could tell she didn't need this stress right now.

I reached up and gently took the phone from her, and held it to my ear. "Hi Keira? It's Tegan."

Keira started to say something, but I cut her off. "Look, your sister and I are going to pick your mom up at the airport tonight. I'm assuming we'll take her to your place. Till then, me and Kelly need to deal with things. Kelly's feeling really stressed right now and she needs some time, ok?"

"... Fine." Keira stated. She didn't sound happy, but at least she wasn't trying to argue.

"Thanks Keira. I'll probably see you later." I tapped the red icon and handed the phone back to Kelly.

She sniffed, "Thanks Tegan."

"Any time, Kelly." I gave her a reassuring smile and gently squeezed her waist.

She sniffed again and sighed, "How are you staying so calm about this? You heard what I just told my sister. You know what I've done to you. You're stuck like that forever, because of me."

I bit my lip and hesitated, then finally admitted "I kind of wanted this, to be honest? When you asked if I was ready to be changed back, I lied. I really wanted to just stay like this, but I knew I couldn't. Because of all that 'life' stuff. Family, work, college."

I shrugged slightly, "Having it turn out to be permanent took the decision out of my hands, and gave me what I really wanted. And it's not your fault, Kelly. The way you explained it, this is the real me."

There were fresh tears rolling down her cheeks again, and I guided her back to the sofa to sit down with her. The box of tissues were still there and Kelly took one.

Her voice was wavering again as she said, "It's still messed up your life. You don't even know yet what half this stuff means, Tegan. Two days ago you didn't know what fae even were."

"I still don't," I pointed out with another little shrug. "But I'm sure you'll explain, and your mom too I guess? So far I know it means I'm cute, and I assume it means maybe someday I'll be able to learn magic like you."

Kelly shook her head, "It's not all good stuff."

I gave her another hug and said, "Sounds like 'life' to me. There's ups, there's downs."

She nodded slowly and wiped her eyes again. After a few seconds she looked at me and narrowed her eyes. "Yesterday you told me you weren't trans."

"I'm not," I replied automatically, without really thinking about it.

"Tegan you just said you wanted this," she pointed out. "You wanted to stay a girl, and you're happy I couldn't turn you back."

I opened my mouth to protest, but realized she was right. I frowned as some uneasy feelings settled in my stomach, and some awkward thoughts surfaced in my mind.

Finally I shook my head, "I guess it's complicated, and I'm not ready to think about it yet. Anyways, are you still up for brunch?"

She wiped her eyes once more, then nodded. "Yeah, ok."

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We stood up together, and finally made it out the door and into the car. Ten minutes later we were at a nearby all-day breakfast place.

Lunch-time on a Sunday was fairly busy, but we got a table and soon enough I was facing down a big Belgian waffle covered in pretty much all the unhealthy things. When she brought our food, the waitress complimented me on my hair which caught me off-guard. I wasn't used to strangers talking about my appearance. It was nice though, and I may have preened a little as I thanked her.

Kelly got a slightly more responsible order of pancakes with some sliced banana. She smirked at me after the waitress left us alone and teased, "Tegan, that looks like the sort of thing a kid would order."

I just grinned as I started digging in. The waffle was heavenly, and I was happy to see her mood picking up again.

Of course I could barely get through half my breakfast, but I wasn't too upset about that. I knew if I kept eating like this I wouldn't stay petite for very long. So I just sat back and relaxed while Kelly finished her pancakes, and thought about what else to do with ourselves today.

"Would you hate me if I dragged you shopping again this afternoon?" I asked nervously. "I'll try not to go crazy this time, but there's a few things I actually need. I want to get a jacket, and I'd like to get a nightshirt or some pyjamas or whatever. And probably some girl-appropriate toiletries. Oh, and I want to get some more proper bras too. The sports-bras are ok, but I like how the proper one made my boobs look."

I added, "At some point I'll have to empty my closet and dresser of all the guy-stuff and start putting away the new stuff, but that doesn't have to happen today. Then I guess I'll find somewhere to donate all the guy-clothes."

Kelly looked a little uncomfortable. She glanced around then half-whispered, "I'm not sure you want to be talking about that in public."

"What?" I frowned. "Which part?"

She hesitated then replied softly, "We'll talk after breakfast, in the car." At normal volume she added, "More shopping's fine. Though I'm worried you're going to go broke the way you've been buying clothes lately."

I nodded, "Ok. Thanks Kelly."

She had a point. I'd spent way too much yesterday, and I knew I'd be spending more today. I'd basically blown my budget for the month yesterday so the rest of August would be tight. I'd try not to go too crazy, but I really did need a few more things.

Kelly paid for breakfast which was really nice of her, then we went out and climbed into the car.

Before we set off to the discount mart, she said "Ok, about what you were saying earlier? You can't talk about magic in public, and you absolutely can't talk about being fae. I know you didn't mention either of those things, but the way you were talking about suddenly needing a new wardrobe and getting rid of your old guy-clothes, was kind of dangerously close to mentioning the fact that you were a guy two days ago. And that's the sort of impossible thing that only happens with magic."

"Ah, gotcha." I nodded slowly. "Sorry Kelly, I wasn't thinking."

She gave me a gentle smile, "It's ok Tegan. This is stuff I've had drummed into me since childhood, you haven't even... You don't even know yet what you are, what any of this stuff means."

I frowned as that started to sink in.

"Yeah," I gulped. "I mean, I don't even know how to be a girl, really. I haven't even thought about that other stuff yet..."

I felt my stomach start to grow cold and heavy, and I'm sure my face went pale as it suddenly struck me. "I'm not even human any more, am I?"

Kelly reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. "I mean, you never were. It was just a disguise that someone put on you."

I know she meant to sound reassuring. She probably meant it like, to say I was still the same me as always or whatever. Instead it just left me feeling hollow, fake. Like, not only do I not know who I am now, but I don't even know who I was before. And that's when I broke.

It was like the past two days I'd had a dam made of optimism, curiosity, and excitement that had been holding back everything else. That dam just collapsed, and all those other emotions came out at once in a flood.

Everything I thought I knew about myself was wrong, it was all lies. Everything I knew about life in general was wrong, useless. I was a girl but I had no idea how to be a girl. I'd been raised as a guy, I knew guy stuff. I was a fae but I didn't even know what that meant or what it was.

I didn't have any ID, I couldn't return to my summer job tomorrow, I couldn't go back to college next month. My own parents wouldn't even recognize me now. I couldn't even count on having a place to live, once my landlord figured out that the 'other guy' was gone and some unknown purple-haired girl had moved in.

I couldn't even prove I used to be him. My parents would be looking for him, maybe the police would get involved. I'd been using his bank card and his car, maybe I'd get arrested for stealing my own stuff? Maybe they'd even suspect me of killing him?

It was all too much. I just fell apart there in the car.

I'm not even sure how we got home. I think Kelly had us switch seats so she could drive. I just remember the tears, the panic, the fear, the despair.

It was late afternoon when I finally started to calm down again. By then we were back at my place, and I was curled up in bed hugging my tear-soaked pillow.

Kelly was in the living-room, I could hear she had the TV on though the volume was low. Not that she was ignoring me or anything, I remembered after she brought me home she stayed with me. I probably cried myself to sleep, to be honest. I was still dressed, except she'd taken my shoes off before I got into bed.

I finally got up, and shuffled out of the bedroom. As soon as she saw me, Kelly was on her feet then her arms were around me.

"How are you feeling babe?" she asked softly.

I let my head rest against her shoulder as I leaned into the hug.

"I don't know," I whispered. "I guess it finally caught up to me? The past two days. And what it all means, going forward."

Kelly sighed and held me tighter. "Tegan I'm sorry. But I'm going to help you. My mom will help too, she'll know what to do."

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