Chapter 250: Those Memories inside my Other Half.

… Huh?

 

“Fuck!”

My vision cleared up, the fog in front of me disappearing to unveil a girl sitting alone in her room. Tears were flowing down her face as she cursed, profanity firing from her mouth like a machine gun. She picked up a pillow and began bashing her bed with it in a state of absolute fury, reminding me of those gang members in Shaturein who had clubbed those monsters to death.

Well, I might call her a girl, but it was a bit hard to tell just by her appearance. Her voice was definitely that of an adolescent girl, albeit a very harpy-like one, full of tortured sounds. But her body was like black smoke — just a shadow of a slim girl. However, as I continued watching her begin wrecking her room, I noticed some things flowing around as she did so — strands of her shadowy hair.

They were long. They went down to her back, unlike my own shoulder length locks. While I do like having longer hair, I have found out that I liked it better at this length. It was easier to style and the stray strands didn’t accidentally obstruct my vision when I was fighting. Making them even shorter would be better for fighting, but medium hair struck a perfect balance of cute, styling potential, and practicality. Right up my alley.

Still, seeing all that black hair flowing around did make me nostalgic. Noticing that, I began considering the truth of this place. The strange fog, the shadowy figure, the intense feeling of loss — this place was similar to when I remembered my vow to not cry before I made it as an idol. If that was the case, then this has to be a dream, no, a flashback of my long lost memories of Earth.

W-Wait, hold on, wasn’t I just in a fight?! Oh shit, right, w-wasn’t I burning up like a cooked lizard just a moment ago?! Why the hell am I dreaming about this right now?!

I remembered my fight with the geisenlarg king and how I entered the finale phase of [Symphonie des Feuergottes]. I kinda wanted to smile at how damn overpowered its effect was, but then I remembered that the side effects of the spell had the potential to kill me if I wasn't treated.

Sure, if you isolated the individual debuffs of [Exhaustion (Moderate)], [Arcane Corruption (Minor)], and [Mana Stress (Minor)], then they probably wouldn’t pose too much trouble for me. It’s when they apply all at the same time it’ll get dicey. That happened once when I tried to escape the Belzac garms back when I was still a Rank F, and it nearly killed me.

With my current stats, I could probably outlast the tick damage of [Arcane Corruption] and I had enough regeneration to outheal the damage even if [Mana Stress] prevented me from using mana. Nevertheless, it is when another issue presents itself that this combination becomes deadly.

For example, when my internal temperature was too much for my body to handle.

Holy crap, I felt like I was being cooked alive! Is this the afterlife? Fucking no, what the hell am I thinking here?! Like, ‘Oh no, I’m dead!’ As if! Not if I'm remembering the end of the fight correctly, at least.

As this was a dream, I didn’t have my parallel minds with me. However, digging deeper through my memories, I did remember my body cooling down. Also, I think I saw snow. Since it was snowing, it probably was Tasianna who saved me in the end. I must have fallen asleep afterward.

Tasianna! You truly are the best friend ever! I’m sorry for being a reckless leader! I keep getting myself into tricky situations and you and the others always have to bail me out when I go over the top! I’ll make it up to you when I wake up!

Thank goodness, I let out a sigh of relief at the situation. If this was only a dream and my body was safe in reality, then it was all good. Yup, negative thoughts away with you!

I turned back to the rampaging girl and I couldn’t help but frown and cringe at what she did. The whole room was demolished. Pencils, books, and other items from her desk were thrown around the room. Some were broken. Posters of well-known K-Pop idols had been ripped off the walls and thrown into bins, all crumbled.

“Oi, stop it! Some of them are even autographed, you bitch!”

I scratched my head in irritation. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing here. Was this really a part of my memories? Was I really like this on Earth? Well, honestly, as hard as this pill was to swallow, something was telling me all of this was true. I even had that memory from when I found out how terrible a friend I was back on Earth.

It was then that I remembered Aurena’s words again — the more my soul repaired itself, the more memories I would regain. I might have lost a good chunk of them before I reincarnated, but since the memory wipe was incomplete, I was regaining them slowly.

I ignored that idiotic girl before me and looked at myself. As with my meetings with Aurena, my “body” in this dreamworld was a reflection of my soul. And, as your soul took on the image of your corporeal vessel, in other words, your body, my soul had developed quite a few dragonewt features like my scales and tail.

However, apparently, there have been some additional changes since the last time I saw my soul-self. I now had claws on my fingers and toes, two horns were on my head, and quite a number of additional scales have closed up the cracks I used to have on my soul. It seemed like I had recovered quite a bit.

Hmm, I wouldn’t be too surprised if my soul suddenly transforms into a dragon one day at this rate. Well— Hey, wait! What are you— oh shit! Hey, don’t!

The shadow picked up a beautiful violin from the corner, holding it up at its neck. She raised it over her head, looked at the wall in front of her and began taking aim.

“No, no, stop! That violin is—”

Kabrack!

Argk!

The wooden instrument shattered into two pieces, with one of the halves ricocheting off the wall and hitting the shadow girl’s shins, causing her to drop to the floor and cry out in pain. She held onto her injured leg and began crying even fiercer, but I didn’t give the slightest care, more concerned with the broken instrument.

I tried picking it up, but as my hands simply passed through them, I remembered that this was all just a dream. A memory. Still, seeing my broken violin laying on the ground ruined caused my chest to tighten. I began to remember. The person who gave me my first violin was my Mama.

Since my family was made up of two successful musicians, it wasn't too uncommon for my parents and I to simply play our instruments together and have fun. This was our quality family time. Of course, we would also enjoy going out to watch operas and musicals for the funsies, but it wasn’t as if those were the only things we did. We were still a normal family, albeit with enough money that you could say that I was raised with a silver spoon.

In any case, my family taught me how to play the violin and piano since they wanted me to learn them. And the first violin I received was the one Mama used to use when she was still a professional violinist. She stopped once I was born, and this violin was like a symbol. “Handing over the torch,” you know, since she thought I would follow in either hers or Papa’s footsteps.

It meant a lot to me. There was a ton of sentimentality inside it.

… And my past self had just broken it.

You!

I snapped my head around and walked over to her and began shouting my mind out.

“Are you a fucking idiot?! That was Mama’s! Did you really forget about it, you damn moron?! Throw your fucking tantrum all your want, but that piece of that violin ricocheting at you? Yeah, you fucking deserved that! Karma, bitch!”

I knew my words wouldn’t reach her. I mean, this was just a memory, even if it was a very distasteful one that made me furious to heaven’s high. But, if this kid here is allowed to act like a spoiled, ungrateful brat, then I'm allowed to act like an annoyed, furious brat! I just couldn’t believe I did something like that, no, it had to just be a mistake, right?

“Fuck you! Verdammt nochmal! Arrrrrgh!”

I scratched my head in irritation again, even stomping my feet at how obnoxious this dream was. Why did I have to remember such a crap thing? I love my Mama, I would never, ever do something this idiotic to a present like this. Why would I? It didn’t make sense!

“It’s all so unfair… It’s just so unfair… I hate everything… Everything is so unfair…” I heard the girl begin to whimper. Tears continued flowing without stopping as she lay on the ground so pitifully.

… Why are you crying?

I made a promise, to never cry until I became an idol to stop my parents from worrying. I technically did break it after my group left the Belzac forest, but I did have an emotional breakdown at that point.

However, promises to me were sacred. I mean, if I began breaking one promise, who's to say that I won’t do it with another whenever I find it convenient? I didn’t exactly learn this from my parents, but it's just something that I chose to do after watching shows and reading books. It also made sure that I took my promise to not cry seriously, just so I can put more effort into training to become an idol.

So why was this shadow crying? I didn’t remember breaking mythat oath.

…But maybe that was the reason why it took so long for this memory to resurface. Aurena did mention that she could bring back my memories, but that it would negatively impact me. She advised me to slowly take them in one at a time.

And my goodness, she’s right… This one memory has been a total disaster.

“… I hate my life.”

Holy shit, don’t say that, you damn idiot! We’re gonna die soon enough and you’ll learn how fucked up it is to say that! Fucking cherish your life! My goodness, ‘i hAtE mY liFe,’ you damn brat!

As I was massaging my temples in exasperation of the situation, I noticed the shadow stand up and move towards the door. Wait, stop, I called out for no real reason. When she exited the room, I let out a sigh, inspecting the chaos she left behind.

Nanny is not gonna enjoy this. Well, pretty sure Mama and Papa would just shout at me until I cried for this. They don’t like me acting like an overly spoiled brat. The more I learn about myself, the more I’m starting to really hate this side of myself.

Already anticipating what would happen afterward, I moved towards the door. As I opened it, I expected to see—

“Forget it all…” The shadow grabbed my shoulders as I was about to follow it, pushing its pitch-black face into mine as it exhaled those words. “… Hestia!”

…

…

“What?‘ I let out a confused remark after nothing happened after the shadow made its demand. Having this thing jump into my face was the perfect jump scare, paralyzing me for two seconds at the randomness of it.

The shadow’s head then began shaking wildly, flapping its hair around and around like a death metal fan. Even its limbs and torso spasmed around like a demon from an exorcist-themed movie.

“FORGET IT ALL, HESTIA!” it shrieked right in front of my face, shaking my mind through sound. I might only have soul ears, but I’m sure I could still get tinnitus.

“Ark, fuck off!” I pushed the shadow away from me and lashed out with a right hook into its face. I did feel a bit bad since this was memory me, but I mean, it screamed at me.

“Skeeeeee! Leave! Forget it!” it cried out once again before running through the darkened corridor.

Confused with all this craziness, I didn’t let that thing get away from me. I wanted to know what the hell was going on here, so I ran after it.

I didn’t have any of my skills working in this world and this whole place was dark like the shadow world Saori enters with [Shadow Dash]. I was disorientated, but if this place was similar to my apartment, then I should be able to use my memories to get through here.

I waved my hands around, moving to the side to try to find a wall or something, but there was nothing. No matter how much I tried it, there was absolutely nothing.

What the hell is this place?! This should be a dream but why is there nothing here? Come on, where are— Hold on, this is a dream, right? Come on, Hestia, this should have been obvious!

If this were a dream, then this should be my dream!

Get the hell away darkness! Bring me back to my apartment!

The darkness instantly crept away, revealing a pristine white corridor. I ran to its end, where I realized I was on the second floor of this place. Unfortunately, the furniture and other details of this place were replaced by large holes of nothingness; I guess they were a side effect of my memory loss. It reminded me of the ones in my soul.

I descended to the ground floor, noticing the piano situated in the living room. I looked around, unable to find that shadow, but instead of running around to find it, uhm, me, I walked over to the piano.

“Papa…” I murmured, feeling nostalgic. But suddenly, as if somebody injected a needle into my head, I felt a sharp pain there. “Urk!”

It didn’t last long, but I had a feeling this was an event where I would remember a certain memory of myself. I didn’t, but I mean, I should’ve. This piano was Papa’s personal one and where he taught me how to play it. The place where our family would have fun playing songs.

“I’m sorry I can’t remember you nor Mama. I don’t know your faces…” I regretted being unable to remember more. As their daughter, that was the least I could have done after dying before them. “… I’m also sorry for doing all that to my room. To your violin, Mama. The more I remember… the more I just feel disgusted with myself. Why? Why was I like that? That couldn’t have been me, right? I shouldn’t have been such a—”

“Then, FORGET ABOUT IT!” I twisted my body around at that voice, that voice that was so similar to mine. There, from underneath one of the corridors, that shadow reappeared. “These are not your memories anymore! Forget about it already! You have no right to remember any of them!”

“W-What is that suppos—” I tried to reply, but the shadow didn’t allow me to.

“YOU. ARE. HESTIA! You’re Hestia! You’re not **k***, anymore! Stop trying to remember all of them! Just stop… please!” Tears once again fell from her face. Her body slouched down, as if she was cowering from something. “P-Please, just stop making me remember! I don’t want to remember them anymore! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it! Forget about it, Hestia!”

W-What is happening?!

I was flabbergasted. The shadow before me kept spasming around like some kind of eldritch monster. Its form morphed around similar to that demonkin of envy, only that hers always reset to that of the young girl I’ve become used to. Why was she doing all this, and why is she trying to make me forget about my past?

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“W-Who are you?” I asked, although I already knew the answer.

“Who do you think, huh?” she spoke while crying. “Your past self, of course. The real **k***, unlike… you. Why… Why couldn’t I die? Why do I have to relive all of them? This is all your fault, you know? You, trying to remember my memories. Just forget about them. Stop trying to remember!”

It was the pleading of someone who had suffered for too long, begging me to fulfill her wish. But, why? Why is she asking me to forget? Shouldn’t she be elated that I’m trying to remember our parents? I mean, we forgot their names? We should at least try to remember their faces and names!

“NOOOOOO!” she screamed. Did she read my mind? “No, no, no, no, no! Stop it! Eiiiiiiek!”

She clutched her head, shrieking more and more until it really seemed as if she was transforming into a banshee. The agony inside her voice was terrifying for me to listen to.

She pointed at me. “Y-You are making me suffer. ‘Cause you try to remember, I stay alive. ‘Cause you remembered your promise, you remembered me. You are the reason for why I’m still in this purgatory. This hell! I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna be here anymore! Let me DIE ALREADY, HESTIA!”

“…”

I think I finally understood what this was.

As this shadow just said, she really is the past me. The one who lived on Earth and then died, only to be reincarnated in Peolynca as me, Hestia. She is my other self, the shadow of my past. The part of my soul whose memories were fragmented and deleted, allowing me to form a new self — the persona of Hestia, the dragon.

So that was why I was visibly revolted by my behavior. Why I found it so wild that I wasn’t as good of a friend as I thought. And why I felt a bit alienated when I observed myself destroying my room. “Hestia” wouldn’t act like that, she would try her best to keep herself composed just to not scare off her current friends and acquaintances.

However, if I looked at some of my mood swings, I could kinda see myself as—

“No, no, no, no, stop it! You are not me! You aren’t **k***! You are a better person, a far better person than I could ever, ever be! You managed to fulfill our dream, while I… I gave up on it. I am not you, you are not me. We are two different people trapped inside one soul, with you being the dominant one…”

‘I’ gave up on our dream? What?

“These memories are mine. Don’t try to open them up. You don’t deserve to see them, so please, just accept your new life. You’ll be so much happier if you just forget about me…” she fell on her knees. There were no signs of her stopping her weeping.

“… But I don’t want to,” I replied.

“Fuck you, then!” she shouted. “You sadistic bitch, just forget about me already! You're torturing me. If you remember, so must I. If you mention it even a bit, I have to remember it for you and the moment I can’t hold it in anymore, you start remembering. The cracks heal. I fall asleep and you remember. And when I wake up again, I’m assaulted by all that pain until I seal those memories away!”

“Hold on, how often has this moment happened? How often have I revisited my memories only for you to stop me? Were you the one that kept saying ‘Forget it all, Hestia’ every time”

“It has only happened a few times now, but a few times too many. There have been so many other chances for you to enter this dream world, only for me to stop you before you do. However, if I can’t wake up in time, you will exit the dream world with those memories intact. You remember.”

I could only remember two moments when I had these sorta vivid dreams. The first time after I ended up in that cave in Belzac forest and evolved inside it, and the second time before I met Tamae and the others. I couldn’t remember anybody whispering “Forget it all, Hestia” in those dreams.

“Please, forget it all, Hestia. Please! I don’t wanna suffer anymore. I just want it all to end. Everything… all the shit and unfair crap. I just want to forget them all. All the crap I did to Papa and Mama. I couldn’t even keep my promise to our cousin. I am a total failure. My life was worthless…”

“… Don’t say that.”

“What?”

“Don’t say that your life was worthless!” I ran up to the shadow, pulling her up and helping her wipe away her tears. “You heard me right, I said you aren’t worthless. Just like I said before, your life is precious. Don’t try to belittle the happiness we brought to Papa’s and Mama’s life! I don’t need you to tell me about it, I know they were happy. The only tragedy we brought to their life is when we died.”

“…”

“And, don’t think you’re so innocent with the creation of ‘Hestia.’ It is ‘cause I have some of your memories that I became ‘Hestia!’ Have you forgotten? Aurena told us that our memories were meant to be erased. Yes, you would have died, but I would have never been able to become the current me without you. It is ‘cause I remembered our promise that I got ourselves this far! I became an idol ‘cause of you!”

“No…” She shook her head. “Aurena said she would have kept our ambition to become an idol. That persona would have done the same. They would have become an idol, too.”

“You don’t know that,” I completely rebuked her argument. “You can’t see into other timelines. You can’t presume ‘what if’ situations, you can only look at what’s present and make your opinion then. And in this timeline, ‘Hestia’ was born because I remembered our parents and our vow to not cry. To not make them worry. To make them proud of this dysfunctional and failure of a daughter. Don’t make light of yourself.”

I couldn’t remember my original name, but I knew myself well enough to kinda guess what my shadow was thinking about. Yes, Hestia and this shadow might be other personalities at the end of the day, but the both of us knew how to deprecate ourselves. Honestly, now that I thought about it, maybe this was the reason why I had the [Parallel Thoughts] skill.

I had a major case of dissociative soul personality disorder.

“Remember this — We made it. We made our ambition and dream come true! We finally became idols who can make others smile. To give others hope!” I then remembered Eshe’s last words to me. “Be strong.” It was a short message, but I understood well enough what she wanted me to do. She understood what an idol had to do.

“So I’ll make sure we make it through this together, you hear me? I am you, and you are me. I am the fire inside your soul ready to blow up, to fly through the skies into the infinite vastness of the stars! These memories you hold, allow me to be the strength for you to stand up and to become one once again,” I told her. “Yes, I am Hestia now. Our body is Hestia now. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be you, too. Those memories, whether happy or not, I want to experience them all.”

“What?” she expressed her doubt, however, it seemed to have betrayed her momentary hope for my words. I could see her tears dry up and her eyes — two black eyes — appear on her face. “You’re selfish. You’re ignorant. You have no idea what I did. What a little bitch I was! I am not a person deserving of our parent’s love. You are. You are my ideal, the person I wanted to be. If you remember, you’ll only suffer. You’ll make me continue suffering.”

“And how about you stop doubting yourself and accept it already. We are the same. Accept me as your other-self. We are the same. My feats are yours,” I kept persuading her. “If I forget about you, how am I supposed to explain it to them when we finally meet them again?”

“What?”

“Aurena’s deal with us — I help her with her Quest and she allows me to meet Papa and Mama again. When that happens, I want to know our original name. Don’t you want to see them again? I know I do.”

“…”

She kept silent, unable to answer, but I could already guess what she wanted. After all, the shadow around her face disappeared.

It was exactly like mine.

Holy hell, I look pretty stunning with black hair. Maybe I should try it and get Yorshka to teach me how to dye my hair. I’ll look pretty Asian again.

“… Go. Leave me.”

The white apartment suddenly became darker and darker. She separated herself from me and slowly walked into that darkness, leaving me hanging in the middle, the point the latter were congregating towards.

“I will remember. I promise you that. And when that happens, let’s watch them together.”

“…”

And then, everything became black and I lost control of everything. The dream has ended.

…

Light.

This was not the RV. This was not Griffonpeak. This was not Artorias.

This place is—

“… Riekwelst.”

A knock against the door echoed inside this large room, fit to accommodate even a duke. The lone grey-haired young man turned away from the window, turning his attention to the door.

“Come in. I am awake.”

The large doors opened at his command, revealing an entourage of butlers and maids, bringing in a tray full of food and a line of suits. They set everything into their correct places before lining in front of the young man, bowing before him deeply like servants serving a noble master.

“““May the light shine upon the hero of the bright sun of the human world. Hero Light, we are ready to serve you.”””

The young man nodded. He seated himself and began eating his meal quietly while the servants prepared his outfit for today.

“Will the church be participating?‘

“Yes, Hero Light. The Cardinal and several saints and champions shall be there with you to celebrate and also announce your acquisition of the [Hero] title. Hero Takuma and saint candidate Aiko shall be attending as well.”

“Have you heard anything about my party member Ryuji?”

“Yes. A letter has arrived that he returned to the Empire and that he is now en route after disembarking from the post. Here, the letter in question.”

So they read it, huh? Being careful even among allies… just like father.

The young man asked his questions and the head butler of this group answered everything impeccably.

Three weeks. They kept me here for three weeks. At least I got the opportunity to get to know most of the influential nobles. Know thy enemy.

After his breakfast was over, the maids began washing him in the bathroom before dressing the young man up in a white-golden suit, fitting for either a high-ranking church of Aurena member or a noble of the Empire of Folschreck. Once he was finished, he left his room, only to meet a woman dressed in a white robe of the church of Aurena.

“Lord Light, may the Goddess’s light bless you on this fine day. I hope your night has been peaceful and your morning bright.”

“Saintess Fleindia, may the light bless your path and banish the shadows. I have been well. This is our first meeting since three weeks ago. I hope time has helped your heart mend after the death of Champion Cleionvall.”

“… Time heals all wounds. He has fought valiantly against that assassin. I am saddened that his death was because of me, but this must have been part of the Goddess’s plan. He must have had the honor to finally meet her Holiness. Light guide his soul to the plains of souls,” the saintess gave a prayer.

She then continued, “However, I should also be gracious to you for saving my life, Hero Light. If it weren’t for you and your allies, I would have died. Thank you very much.”

When Ryuji comes back, he’ll complain about how he missed out on all the action. But, who would have guessed that demonkin assassins would be brazen enough to attack champions and saints.

But most importantly, they managed to kill quite a few of them, even if it meant suicide.

But that was all just an afterthought for the young man. These events have resulted in him attaining one of his goals — to gain the respect of the nobles of the Empire of Folschreck. It was a fortunate opportunity for him to accelerate his plans.

After all, this young man who had lost the color in his hair had an ambition worthy of another of Peolynca’s otherworldly guests. “To influence Peolynca’s history” just like the Revolution Queen did, eyes filled with ambitions gaze forth.

This was Franz “Light” Akabane’s ambition.

Let us begin.

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