Chapter 15: Chapter Fourteen: Stuck Elevator

The next morning, Shade knocked on Midas' door. Midas opened it, smiling when he saw Shade. "Hey; how are you feeling?"

"Eh- Well enough. I was wondering if you had a moment for me to borrow Golden-Touch?"

Midas' smile faded slightly, "Alright; sure." Midas followed Shade to the lab.

Shade pulled a mouse from one of the cages and sat it on a table. "I'm sorry to ask you to do this." He looked at Midas; this will be his first time using his curse on something living... I hope it's quick. "My curse only affects living things though, so in order to make direct comparisons..."

Midas frowned, "I understand." He slowly brought his cursed hand towards the mouse; okay, it's just a mouse... This should be quick too. He placed just his pointer finger on the top of its head. The mouse let out a final squeal. It didn't seem to suffer long as the gold quickly spread from its head until the mouse was still and golden.

Midas pulled his hand away and leaned for a moment against the table; he felt light-headed. Changing the mouse had been far more draining than things of similar size usually were. "Th-there," He said, looking at the now golden mouse; it feels different... It's different even compared to that already deceased man. If this is how I feel after a mouse... Midas turned his head to look at Shade; how does he feel after a person?

Shade looked back at him, "Thank you," He said, empathetically. "Now, you may not want to be here for the rest..." Shade pulled a second mouse from the cage and set it down; I'd rather he not see what my curse really looks like. A plant is one thing, but if he ever actually saw in person how flesh reacts... He'd probably never want me to touch him again.

"I suppose not," Midas agreed, leaving Shade to his work.

 

Later that night, Midas decided to visit Shade. He knocked and faintly heard Shade call for him to enter. Stepping into the room, he saw the balcony door was open and Shade was standing outside. Midas joined him; Shade was smoking a cigarette. "You said you only smoke occasionally," Midas recalled. "Stress?" Midas asked, leaning against the railing, looking at Shade.

Shade finished the cigarette, then returned his converter to his mouth. "Yeah; guess so."

"That's when I smoke too. Want to talk about it?"

"Not really..."

Midas frowned a bit and sighed. "Did you make an appointment with Carla yet?" He asked; I know he was still drunk when he agreed to see her but I hope he meant it...

"I did."

Midas brightened, "That's really good to hear."

"I meant what I said. It's true, I don't know what to call this either but I like it and I don't want it to end. So if seeing her means you'll continue seeing me, then so be it."

Midas frowned again; I wish it wasn't just me that made him want to see her. It'd be better if he wanted to do it for himself... Hopefully, she can still help him though. Midas took him by the hand and pulled him close. "I don't want this to end either but, like I said, I don't want to be hurting you. You have to be honest with Carla; then you have to be honest with me about her advice. If she thinks you are doing something bad for you, you have to stop- Even if I'm the bad thing, please."

Shade suddenly squeezed Midas' hand tightly. "What if- I don't fucking care!?" Midas was taken aback at his sudden anger. "Everyone has always made me do what they want me to fucking do. I want to do what I want to do now. I don't fucking care if it's bad for me. No one has ever done anything good for me. Why, the first time I get to choose something, do I have to give a shit if it's bad for me?" Shade felt his emotions getting away from him; I know what I'm doing is wrong- But it feels so good. I just want to feel good for once...

"I- Just want you to be okay..."

Shade loosened his grip, leaning into Midas; he's worried about me but it's me who's using him... "S-sorry. I just-" Shade seemed unable to complete the thought as Midas hugged him to his chest. Shade let Midas hold him; I just want this... Whatever this is- Please don't make me let go yet.

Midas held him silently for a while. "I should get going," He eventually said, trying to push the emotion in his own voice down.

"Okay... Goodnight," Shade reluctantly pulled away from him.

"Goodnight," Midas responded as he left the balcony, then the apartment.

 

A few days later, Shade attended his first therapy session. When he arrived at the office, he stood in the waiting room, alone, for just a few minutes before the door to the therapy room opened. A woman stepped out, addressing him, "Alright, welcome Shade; you may call me Carla. Come on in and, please, make yourself comfortable." She held the door for him and he walked past her. She was a fairly tall woman. Her chestnut-brown afro was styled in a puff on the top of her head. Her voice alone had a soothing quality to it. "You are my last patient today, so we can take as much time as you want but I recommend at least an hour and not more than two. We won't dive too deep today, this is just for me to get an idea of what you're looking for."

Shade stood in the office. He looked at the couch and the armchairs, realizing he wouldn't be able to sit without revealing his height trick; I did not think this through at all. He turned to Carla, hesitant, "I've been told you are so confidential that even the boss will never hear of anything that happens here?"

"That is correct; you have nothing to worry about."

"And that door, is it locked?"

"It can be," She turned the lock, "And now it is." Shade still hadn't sat down. "Is there anything else I can do to ease your worries?"

"It goes without saying that I am in disguise, the mask and all, because I make no effort to hide that I am hiding, people kind of, just, accept it."

"Yes; I've noticed, once the cloak came off, you have become fairly accepted by Styx as you are."

"If I release part, or all, of my disguise, whether that be today or through the course of treatment- You really won't tell anyone anything about the real me?"

"I've only ever once told anyone anything about a patient." Carla believed the best way to put people at ease was honesty and transparency. "I told Midas that one of his men was going to end up hurting one of the women here. It was early on of me being here and Midas didn't listen to me. I ended up being right, the man attacked a woman and she got hurt. Midas has trusted me ever since but I've never had to tell him anything again. I'm telling you this because I have a strong feeling that you pose no threat to anyone at Styx, which would be the only reason for me to tell him anything."

"Why do you assume I pose no threat? Aren't I an assassin hired despite Midas knowing very little about me?"

"Why would an assassin with intent to harm Styx come to the therapist?"

"Excellent point..." Shade laughed a little. "Thank you..." Shade finally sat down on the couch. "To make myself comfortable, I have to lose a bit of this disguise." Shade removed the stilts, leaning them against the couch; he was then able to sit normally.

Carla sat in a chair across from him. She was surprised by the ruse and his leg but she maintained her professional demeanor. "Okay; we can talk about anything that you want but do you have a main goal for treatment?"

"I'm not sure exactly; I've never done this before or even really thought about doing it. I'm an alcoholic and I get panic attacks; I've just kind of always dealt with that on my own."

"When is the last time you drank?"

"I drank at Mari's return party for the first time in five years."

"When did you last have a panic attack?"

"Also that night."

"Was the attack before or after drinking?"

"I had already had six or so drinks; I ended up drinking more after it too."

"And do you know what triggered the attack?"

"Um-" Shade hesitated. "There is a man I've sort of been seeing. He's straight and doesn't want others to know about us- Which isn't a problem for me," Shade quickly added. "Because I was drunk though, I came onto him in the public bathroom. We were caught and he didn't react well. He pushed me away to go after the guy that had caught us, to ask him not to say anything. I had the attack and returned to my room, where I drank more."

"Okay; how long would you say you've had panic attacks for?"

"Since I was a kid, I think I was seven or eight the first time; so that'd be twenty-five years. I had gotten pretty good at handling them but I hadn't had one in a few years when I arrived here."

"How many have you had here?"

"Two, sort of two and a half. The one I just told you about and then there was one before that, it-" Shade sighed, "Okay- So, this man, we have a thing, he hasn't seen me without the disguise either. Once, when he was gently encouraging me to, uh, take things further- I had my first full attack."

"Hmm." This confirmed it for Carla, Shade was the one Midas had called her about. Carla concluded that Midas must be the straight man Shade talked about. She hoped Midas would come to see her soon as well. "And what do you mean by a half?"

"The first time I was physical with M-man, I accidentally hurt him and he got very angry- Rightly so since it didn't seem like an accident... I think I almost had an attack but I went back to my apartment and managed to keep it at bay."

Carla nodded. "So; Why did you drink the first drink you had at the party?"

"Someone handed it to me... I guess it just looked good."

"So it began as a celebratory drink before the panic attack?" Carla was scratching down notes as they talked.

Shade nodded, "And sad drinking after the attack..."

"Have you drank since that night?"

"No."

"How often have you wanted to?"

"Actually... I guess I haven't. I fell pretty hard that night but a friend and Man helped me through it. If they hadn't stepped in, I think I'd still be drinking."

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"So, how would you say you feel about your relationship with Man?"

"It's complicated- I really enjoy being with him but I'm pretty sure he wants something more from me... I just can't bring myself to be completely honest with him though... Not yet, at least."

"That makes you feel?"

"Guilty- Like I'm taking advantage of him," Shade rubbed his arm, looking at the floor.

"What do you think would happen if you were completely honest with him?"

"I think that I could lose him either way. If I open up, he may not like the real me; and, if I don't, he'll get tired of waiting at some point."

"Do you think those are the only two possibilities?"

"The two most likely... I feel like having him leave because he's sick of it seems better. The other way, if he rejects the real me... Well; I think I can handle it better if he rejects Shade instead."

"Would you say you experience rejection often?"

"I'm not sure I've been in a position to get rejected very often..." Shade thought about it. "I guess you could say my father rejected me..."

"In what way?"

"At first, he was just rarely around and it was mostly me and my mom. After she passed, he'd tell me how much he didn't want me... He finally got rid of me when I was twelve and I haven't seen or heard anything about him since." Shade fidgeted, "Not to get into the whole, tell me about your childhood, thing- I don't think I want to get too far into that today..."

"We can save that talk for next time if you like. How did your relationship with Man start? What made you willing to risk rejection?"

"I think- It was kind of an accident. I tried to, I guess, tease him? Because he's straight... I essentially played chicken and he didn't chicken. At first, it seemed like it was just sex... He even said as much before; I'm not sure when or how it started to become something else."

"Would you say you've had a lot of casual sexual relationships?"

Shade froze for a moment, "N-not exactly. I've had a lot of- Sex, done to me."

Carla lowered her clipboard, "Do you mean rape?"

"Y-yes. I- Before becoming an assassin, things happened to me that I don't want to talk about- Yet." Shade had gotten to a point where he managed not to think about his past very often. So when Carla's questions made him start to think about it, he wanted to push it away.

Carla nodded, making a note. "Can you tell me how many consensual partners you've had before Man?"

"Two; one long-term romantic relationship and a one-night thing with a good friend, that I didn't enjoy and we agreed to never do again."

"How did the romantic relationship end?"

"He passed."

Carla put the clipboard down. "I'm sorry," She said sympathetically. She looked contemplative for a second. "You have a lot of trauma, which isn't necessarily unusual around here. Criminals don't often have happy, healthy pasts. Even for here though, you have been through a lot. Now that you are here, I want to help you work through things. You are clearly very strong to be sitting here today and you deserve happiness too." Shade started to tear up. "I'd like to give you my personal number. Only a few people have it; the only time I won't answer is if I'm with another patient. If you ever feel like you're having trouble getting through a panic attack or you are ever thinking of drinking, I highly encourage you to give me a call."

"Thank you."

"I think I have some idea of what you may be needing now. So, would you like to continue talking today or would you prefer to start next time?"

"I think I'm done for today," Shade said, returning the stilts to his legs and standing. "Thank you again."

"I'll see you next week but, remember, call if you need to."

 

Shade had left Carla's office and was getting on the elevator; Midas happened to be inside. He smiled, seeing Shade, "Heading home?"

Shade entered the elevator, "Yeah."

"Me too." The doors closed and the elevator started moving. Shade stood in the corner. The elevator shuddered slightly and Shade let out a yelp, grabbing the handrail. "Are you okay?" Midas asked, concerned.

"Yea," Shade mumbled; well that's embarrassing. What even was that noise you made? Even through the converter that sounded high! It's just an elevator, calm down... The elevator shuddered again, more violently, before coming to a stop between floors. Shade gripped the handrail very tightly, crouching slightly as the familiar panicked feeling began to quickly build; just an elevator. Just an elevator. Breathe. It's okay...

"You have got to be fucking kidding me..." Midas pushed the emergency button.

A voice came through the speaker, "Hello; we're aware and we are already on it. Who am I speaking to and how many are on the elevator?"

Midas pushed down the talk button, "It's Midas; there are two of us."

"Fuck; it's the boss," The man said, seemingly to someone else. He must not have realized the speaker was still active.

Midas heard a nervous chuckle and looked at Shade. He was bouncing his leg and gripping the handrail but he had managed to find the humor in the man's mistake. "Give me an ETA on getting this thing moving ASAP and, next time, make sure your talk button isn't active if you aren't speaking to me."

"Yes, Sir, sorry. Getting an ETA now; looks like we're looking at eighty minutes."

"Fuck!" Shade sounded like he was panicking now.

Midas pushed the button, "We'll sit tight but keep me updated."

"Of course, Sir."

Midas walked up to Shade, taking his hand. "Hey; look at me." Shade looked at his face. "It'll be fine, elevators are safe. Sure we are stuck but it's not going to fall or anything."

"Being stuck is the problem. It's too small in here," Shade was desperately trying to calm down.

Oh, so it's claustrophobia; Midas realized. "Would you feel better if I got as far away from you as possible, so you have more space?"

"No; I prefer you close by. I don't like being alone in small spaces..."

"And you aren't alone," Midas reassured him. "Let's sit down. Perhaps if we just talk you can focus on me and the conversation? We'll keep your mind occupied." Shade sank to the floor and Midas sat beside him. "Take a few deep breaths," Midas suggested.

Shade closed his eyes and gripped Midas' hand, breathing in and out a few times; it seemed to be helping. Shade pulled out his phone and set a timer based on what the man had said. "Okay, eighty minutes," He breathed again and released Midas' hand; I can do this... It's fine now.

"Even after the others, guess I'm still surprised that something like this could cause one too. I was starting to think I was your trigger," Midas gave a nervous laugh. "No offense, but- How do you handle being an assassin, exactly? I mean, I believe in your skills. What intelligence gathered was thorough and when that false alarm sounded, there was- Something about you... I could tell you were prepared."

Shade breathed out; how do I handle it? It was years of practice... The real question is- Why am I suddenly losing it? What is it about this place, about him, that's made it harder to guard against my emotions? "When I put my guard up properly, nothing fazes me... I'm not sure myself exactly how I do it... I do know it is impossible to maintain it twenty-four-seven. I've tried so many times to just- Be that, always. It doesn't work..." Shade explained; it did use to work better though... Shade suddenly remembered the first night he was at Styx. "You know, when you were yelling at me about the apple, I was so nervous... I had already spent all day with my guard up. I really almost lost it..." He laughed a bit, "I'm actually not sure I've been in complete control since that day. It feels like something has changed..." He rubbed his arm, looking down, thinking.

Midas frowned, "I really thought that you were completely unaffected when I was so angry with you..."

"Yep, that's the illusion... It's a bit of a risk too though. I didn't know what kind of man you were. Sometimes no reaction elicits a rage like no other; I was hoping you'd be the kind to be dismissive."

"I would say I was; it confused and annoyed me, so I just wanted you out of my sight..." Midas took Shade's hand again, holding it while giving a slight laugh. "It's suddenly hard for me to believe I felt that way about you..." Shade looked for a moment at their hands; does he like holding hands? Is he the physically affectionate type outside of sex? "So, why the problem with small spaces? If you don't mind sharing."

"That-" Shade took a breath; that man... Everything always goes back to him... "Small spaces bother me because my father used to lock me in the closet whenever he went somewhere. For about six years, a good portion of my time was spent in a room about this size," Shade glanced around the elevator.

"That's- Horrible; I'm sorry," Midas rubbed his thumb on Shade's palm. "Was it just you and him then? No one to call him out on that?"

"My mother passed when I was six. Someone did call the authorities once but my dad had prepped me for that possibility- So, I lied to them; between that and him being a fairly wealthy man, nothing came of it."

"Wealthy?" This was starting to sound familiar to Midas.

"Yea, he did something with finances. Illegal things..."

"Like me..."

"Only if you were to rid yourself of any sort of moral or ethical inclinations, then sure," Shade said a little dismissively. "You mostly work in high-value goods and laundering; I'm pretty sure my father was involved in much darker things..."

Something was pulling at Midas' mind; something about a basement room and a locked door. Then he began to more clearly remember an incident from when he was young, still eighteen. "I think I crossed paths with a man like that once- Sort of. Only I thought..." Midas trailed off, looking down. He let go of Shade's hand and began to tap his fingers, thinking. Shade looked at him, tilting his head. "I thought the kid was a little girl..." Midas looked at Shade; could it have been? "When I was eighteen, before my curse, I was just a thief. I broke into a man's house on Christmas Eve, when I knew he was at a party. I had emptied his safe and was searching the rest of the house for anything valuable. I came across a locked closet; inside was- What I thought was- A little girl." Midas' eyes scanned over Shade. "The kid was otherwise unharmed. They told me their dad kept them in there when he leaves. They had long black hair; I assumed a little girl... Did you have long hair when you were young?" Midas asked him nervously.

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