Chapter 17: Chapter Sixteen: Golden Piano

A couple of days later, Midas decided to see Carla himself. He didn't have an appointment but she made time for him. "Midas," She greeted him warmly. "It's been a while, have a seat. What's on your mind?"

Midas sat on the couch. "I've been seeing someone, for about- Six weeks now, I think. Anyway; I'm struggling with some things about myself, the relationship, and about- Him."

"I see. Have you ever dated a man before?"

"No."

"I know you to be open-minded, that being said, confusion would be a normal response to discovering something completely new about ourselves that goes against what we thought we understood. Aside from confusion, would you say you have any other feelings about being with a man, such as shame?"

"I wouldn't say shame. I think there's something more than confusion though. Perhaps fear but I'm not sure if that's because he's a man or if it's something else. I just- Don't want others to know and I'm not sure why."

"Does anyone else know?"

"A couple people know..."

"How did they react?"

"Well, it's Mari and Jason, so... I haven't talked to Jason but Mari's reaction was mostly just surprise. She showed love and support though."

"How do you think others at Styx would react if they knew? Do you think people would see you differently?"

"Yes; probably, they would. I know some people would lose respect for me. I'm still not sure if that's what's bothering me though. I've never had a problem putting people who step out of line back in their place so I can't figure out why this would be any different. All that aside, he's told me he doesn't want to go public... That bothered me, even though I feel the same about it; I know that's a double standard..."

"Did he elaborate on his reasons for not wanting others to know?"

"So, the thing about him is," Midas began, "He's been giving me pleasure but hasn't allowed me to return it. He's hesitant to undress; I don't know the details but he has a bad history regarding sex... So we haven't exactly been completely intimate yet. He said he doesn't want me coming out as something I'm not, that I'm still straight. I believe he thinks I'll reject him if it gets to that point..."

"And you don't believe that?'

"I really don't. I know it's not completely fair for me to be so confident about that but I just feel so strongly about him. In more than a sexual way too but also very, very strongly in a sexual way."

"Hmm. let's focus on the non-sexual feelings first. Are any of your worries stemming from that? I'm aware all your recent relationships have been casual, including you ending things with women you felt were growing too attached. Why do you think you became attached to this man and do you think he returns your non-sexual feelings?"

"I think I became attached before the sex and didn't realize until later. I found out something about him, something we have in common that I've never met anyone else who shares. I think I wanted to get closer to him. That somehow ended up being sex, confusingly enough... Our first time went a little wrong and I pushed him away but then I regretted it. We made up and we've been getting closer since then. I do think he feels attached to me too. He's said as much and I don't think he's a liar, just secretive. He's told me some things about himself but I feel like there's a lot he wants to hide- Not just from me, but everyone..."

Carla glanced at Midas' left ring finger. "Have you been imagining a future with this man?"

"I guess I haven't thought too hard about that- It is early, and he's pretty reluctant, and I'm so confused... I did have a dream he'd moved in with me; it was pleasant... Felt bittersweet to wake up from," Midas smiled slightly.

"Is it alright to ask a potentially painful question of you right now?"

"I suppose so, yes."

"You're still wearing your wedding ring- Do you believe you are moving on?"

Midas looked at his wedding band; he thought about how he and Shade had talked about lost love, another thing they shared. "I think so... It is hard to think about loving someone as much as I did her or in the way I did her. I've never been opposed to the idea; it just started to feel like it would never happen... Now that it is beginning to happen, I feel completely ready."

"Do you think any of your fears stem from having such strong feelings for someone that you don't know very well?"

"I- Yes; that's a least some of it," Midas acknowledged.

"It's probably best to proceed cautiously; keeping in mind that, despite your intense feelings, it is early. You've told me about your history; I know you and your late wife actually married fairly quickly after meeting but, I'm sure you realize, that is not really the norm and, if he has trauma, he may struggle with being vulnerable. Try to get to know him but remember you can't force him to open up to you. You'll also need to figure out where you draw the lines as well though and communicate that clearly to him. How long are you willing to wait? What do you need to feel secure with him? It's okay for him to have boundaries; it's okay for you to have needs. The two of you need to figure out if any of your boundaries and needs conflict with each other. You could, in theory, wait forever for him to open up so long as you feel comfortable doing so. I, however, don't believe anyone can sustain a deeply secretive relationship for too extended a period. So, if you don't feel comfortable, you probably shouldn't lead him to believe that you do only to spring it on him later. Be clear about how you're feeling in the relationship. Don't try to force him to cross his boundaries, just be clear about your own too."

"I think I understand... He does seem willing to work towards opening up and that makes me feel better about it. I do wonder sometimes if a relationship is a good idea for him at all; I wonder if he needs to address his trauma outside of one first..."

"You say he's been pleasuring you sexually while abstaining from his own body?"

"Yes."

"Hmm... Some victims do this as a way to regain control. Does he accept any form of physical intimacy from you?"

"Yes; we kiss, hug, hold hands..."

"That is a good thing," Carla leaned back slightly, thinking. She knew Midas was speaking about Shade. She thought the two of them could benefit from seeing her together as well as separately but she didn't want to push yet; their avoidance of identifying each other seemed to indicate they weren't ready to address her together yet.

Midas' phone buzzed; he glanced at it. "I need to go- But thank you, I'll think about everything."

 

The following week, Shade entered Carla's office for his second appointment. "Good afternoon Shade." She locked the door after him so that he could relax. "How are you feeling today?"

"Really good, actually."

"I'm happy to hear that. Let's start first with a check-in regarding your alcoholism and panic attacks. Since I last saw you have you had anything to drink?"

"No, and I haven't craved it either."

"Great. Any panic attacks?"

"There was one..." Shade fidgeted. "Physical intimacy is hard for me, sexual intimacy especially. While being intimate with Man, he touched me in a way that... Frightens me. I retreated when it happened but I was able to calm myself in his bathroom fairly quickly. Then I was able to have a talk and even continue intimacy after, which seemed like a big improvement from the other times."

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Carla made a note, "It sounds like you handled it fairly well that time." She looked up. "Now, I'm wondering if you may be ready to talk more about your past before arriving at Styx?"

"M-Maybe, I could talk about... Some of it..." Shade fidgeted; I still don't know about this...

"What if we just start at the very beginning? You've revealed a troubled history with your father. You also said your mother passed, when did that happen? Do you remember her?"

Shade looked at her; okay! My parents; I guess I can talk about them. "I was six when she passed, so I remember her some. I remember she loved me. She'd always call me by my middle name, instead of my first like my father did. I prefer my middle name to this day but I've only allowed one other person to call me by it. My mom was beautiful, talented too. She would play piano and sing or she would dance; she was so happy doing it. I learned to do those things too because I wanted to be like her so badly."

"Do you still do those things?"

"I didn't for a long time. I danced recently and with Man too; that made me very happy."

"I think you should continue to dance, and you should sing too, even if it's just in the shower, and, if you get the opportunity, play piano. You could perhaps order a simple keyboard through the supply-run? It sounds like these things were significant to you and you put them aside. I'd like to see you do small things for yourself that make you happy."

"I think I can do that."

Carla had another thought, remembering her session with Midas. "Another thing is- I also think that it would be a good idea for you to possibly set a few goals for opening up more to Man. Maybe tell him something new about yourself on a regular basis, even if it's small."

"O-okay."

"Alright; Now, can you tell me how things changed for you after your mother's passing?" Shade nodded; the two continued discussing Shade's childhood for the remainder of the session.

 

After concluding his session with Carla, Shade went to Midas'. He knocked on the door and Midas opened it. "Hey," Midas greeted him, smiling. "I'm happy to see you but, unfortunately, I was on my way out. Some things I have to take care of- Any chance we can have dinner tonight though?"

"Sure- But, um," Shade glanced over his shoulder. "Would it be alright if I wait for you inside?"

Midas smirked. "Why? Haven't you already been through all of my drawers?" He seemed to be in a playful mood.

Shade chuckled, "No, not all of them! But, your fireplace seems cozy."

Midas stood aside, allowing him in. "Make yourself comfortable then; I'll be back tonight."

 

Midas returned after a few hours, having picked up dinner for the two of them. As he got close to his room, he heard piano music. He opened his door and Shade was sitting at the golden piano, playing it beautifully. Midas put the food on the counter and then walked over to him. He sat on the bench beside Shade, watching his fingers move along the keys. Shade finished the piece, then turned to him. "The acoustics in here are great."

"That was amazing. I have this thing just for show; I've never played a day in my life. Will you play me one more before we eat?"

"Sure," Shade thought for a moment. "This was one of my mom's favorites." Shade began playing; the piece was melancholic, haunting, but beautiful.

When Shade finished, Midas applauded by clapping his good hand against his elbow, and then he gave Shade a hug, "Incredible. You can play whenever you want, just let me know."

"I think I'd like that. Carla told me I should play and sing and dance more. She told me I should tell you new things about myself as well. So I can play the piano and sing. I do these things because my mother did them and my mother loved me."

"Well, I can't wait to hear you sing someday then." Midas took off Shade's converter to kiss him. "Would you like to eat now?" Shade smiled, nodding. They ate together, Midas talking to Shade. With his converter off, Shade didn't speak, only nodded in response. Midas found that he didn't mind this; it felt comfortable, not awkward. After they had finished, Midas asked Shade, "Would you like to watch some TV together or something?" Midas hoped he'd agree; I don't care what we do I just want to spend a little more time with him.

"Sure," Shade headed to Midas' couch, he sat and removed his stilts.

Midas sat beside him and grabbed the remote. "Anything, in particular, you want to watch or don't want to watch?"

"I don't like horror, suspense, thrillers, you know, that kind of stuff."

"Noted, maybe a comedy then?" Midas was flipping through channels as they talked.

"Was that channel just kittens?" Shade asked as he passed one.

Midas flipped it back. "Cute baby animals," He read the title.

"Hmm," Shade watched as puppies played.

Midas smiled at him. "Is this what you want to watch?"

"N-no," Shade quickly said, his ears turning pink. "I was just surprised that it's a whole channel, that's all..."

"You are lying; if I weren't here, you'd be watching this." Midas poked him, "I told you, you're secretly cute. That other stuff is an act."

Shade grabbed Midas' wrist, looking at him. "Lay down." Midas cocked his head. "I said, lay down," Shade spoke more firmly.

"Which way? Head towards or away from you?"

"Away." Midas laid back, his feet by Shade. Shade got on his knees and spread Midas' legs, crawling between them.

Midas' face flushed as Shade was over him. "Wha-" Midas nervously started to question him.

Shade shushed him and Midas unconsciously held his breath. Then, Shade laid down on top of him, head resting just below Midas' chest. He wrapped his arms around his middle, hugging him, face turned towards the TV. "I do want to watch the baby animals," He mumbled. "You don't get to make fun of me when I can make you that nervous though," He added.

Midas breathed out, then laughed slightly. "Alright; baby animals it is." Midas only half-watched the TV, mostly watching Shade. After a little while, he noticed Shade had fallen asleep as his breathing pattern had changed. Midas pulled out his phone and snapped a picture, smiling at it. He let him rest a little longer before waking him. They said goodnight and Shade went back to his apartment.

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