Chapter 3: 3 – A Good Girl [END]

3

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A Good Girl in Stages

My gender specialist psychologist was going to help me through the process and we agreed that if I started to become unhappy with becoming a woman, I would be referred back to her.

I went home that day in a daze. It was like everything I had ever known was coming apart. Like I was waking from a long sleep and the world is completely different.

I spent the next two days walking around in a haze, just kind of watching life go by without me. My body was changing, my thoughts were changing, my feelings were changing, and my outlook on the world was changed.

When I say I was lost in thought, I mean it. I was thinking about every aspect of my life and wondering how things would play out now.

I was alone, and there was nothing to do but watch everything change.

I decided to break it down into stages:

Stage 1:

The first stage is acceptance. For me, that meant accepting the inevitability of my transition. Accepting that this was happening whether I liked it or not.

For me, that meant accepting the fact that I would stop taking testosterone and start taking estrogen. I would lose my ability to grow facial hair and become less muscular.

I would eventually develop breasts, hips, curves, and a soft face.

This was a good thing for me. I had always been chubby, and I was looking forward to losing some weight.

I imagined that this would happen within a year or so.

Acceptance is hard because you're realizing that your old life is over. You're waking up in a new world where you feel like an alien, and are suddenly aware of how much of a freak you've been all this time.

It's not like you can pretend that your old life isn't over, and you're only now facing up to reality.

You're going to be a different person in a few months, and you're going to have to learn how to interact with this new person.

Stage 2:

The second phase is learning about who you are now. You're starting to notice that people treat you differently and you wonder why.

You may be trying on clothes and finding out that you're wanting to wear makeup, dress sexy, or change your hairstyle. This can be a confusing time because you can't really trust your own judgment.

You're also going to find that you're going to be treated differently at work. Some will welcome you, others will ignore you, and others might start to tease you, or worse.

This is probably going to be the hardest part for you to accept. The second you start feeling comfortable, something is going to happen that throws you off balance again.

It will take time for you to get used to these changes, and if you don't understand why they happened, you're going to struggle with anger and frustration.

I'll tell you this, though…it gets easier.

You start to recognize patterns, and you start to see how other people react to you. It starts to make sense, and you start to accept that you're a new person and that you're okay with who you are.

You realize that the people who aren't accepting of you are just assholes and that their opinions don't matter anyway.

Stage 3:

The third stage is adaptation. Once you've accepted the reality of your situation, it becomes a lot easier to adapt.

At this point, you're comfortable in your new body and you start to notice changes. Your voice has become feminine, you've developed breasts, you're wearing makeup, and you're dressing in a way that makes you feel attractive.

At this point, you're likely living as a woman full-time, and you've learned how to deal with the reactions of other people.

You're able to see them as harmless and you even begin to enjoy the attention.

Stage 4:

The fourth stage is confidence. At this point you know who you are, you're comfortable with yourself, and you're beginning to enjoy life.

You're well past the "newbie" phase of your transition, and you're getting more confident every day.

Now you're starting to think about how you want to look in the future, and how you can improve yourself.

You might start working out, doing yoga, or practicing to become a better singer.

You're starting to think about what you want to do with your life, and you're starting to consider all the opportunities that are available to you.

You're starting to become a better version of yourself, and you're finally happy with who you are.

These four phases of my transition were fairly easy to understand, and they gave me a framework to evaluate myself.

However, there was one issue that I couldn't quite wrap my head around...

What if you never got to any of those stages? What if you didn't pass and you remained trapped in your old body?

In my case, that seemed like a distinct possibility.

My biggest fear was that I'd be stuck in my male body for the rest of my life.

The thought of it terrified me, and I spent hours agonizing over it.

Ultimately, that's when I started to come up with another way to view this whole process.

There's a concept called Transient Gender Dysphoria, which describes the experience of being gender dysphoric during transition.

Basically, this means that sometimes someone feels more dysphoric while transitioning than at other times.

Many trans people find themselves experiencing this phenomenon, especially early on in their transition.

Unfortunately, there's no real explanation for why this happens.

Some people speculate that it may be related to the biological processes of puberty, but that's all just speculation.

A Good Girl with Time
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6 months ago

I decided to try something different.

Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of my transition, I started to focus on the positive things that were happening in my life.

For example, I noticed that I was having fun dressing up in girl clothes and that I enjoyed spending time with my friends.

You are reading story A Good Girl at novel35.com

So instead of thinking about my body and my appearance, I focused on the activities that brought me joy.

If I ever had doubts about anything, I would remind myself that I was still in transition and that everything would eventually get better.

That helped me stay optimistic, and I was able to keep moving forward.

I'm so much happier now that I'm in full-time female mode.

I finally feel like I have an identity that I can be proud of.

And, most importantly, I'm starting to accept the reality of my situation.

I know that I will always need to live as a woman, and I'm becoming more comfortable with that fact every day.

I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I know that it's only going to get better from here.

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5 months ago

A few weeks after I wrote this, I realized that I was getting close to passing.

I'd been working really hard to build my confidence, and I was starting to see the results.

I felt like I had finally gotten over that first hump, and I could finally start to focus on the next steps.

It's amazing how far I've come since then!

Nowadays, I love walking down the street and feeling beautiful.

And, even though I still have a ways to go, I'm happy with where I am right now.

I get hit on by men often, but I actually enjoy it.

Most of them are harmless, and they usually give me compliments.

I also get asked out frequently, and I'm pretty sure that some of these guys are just looking for sex.

But I don't mind. It gives me a chance to practice my flirting skills.

I'm definitely getting more confident every day, and I can already tell that I'm starting to develop a more feminine presence.

Sometimes I catch myself staring into the mirror and admiring my reflection.

I can't wait until I finally achieve full-blown woman status!

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4 months ago

I've been reading a lot of stories on the internet about people who transitioned successfully, and I'm starting to get really excited about my own future.

There are so many stories of people who were able to overcome all their challenges and live happy, fulfilling lives as women.

And it seems like a lot of them went through similar periods of doubt and fear.

I guess that's part of the process, and it certainly helps to read about what others have gone through.

Still, I have to admit that I don't really relate to these stories. I don't have dysphoria, and I was physically female the entire time. Instead, I often felt like I was dragging this woman I was becoming out of the cerulean muck of a dead past. I could hardly understand the feelings and many times they gnawed at me. Between acceptance and complete rejection, I changed regardless.

I hope you have a better road than I did.

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2 months ago

Hi! I'm a 38-year-old woman, and I've recently begun acting like it and accepting it. I no longer feel like I'm transitioning, but instead, that I have finished, somewhat. I still occasionally catch myself saying "when I was younger" or thinking about my previous life. But overall I'm very content, and feel free and alive for the first time in my life. I never thought that I would ever be able to say that, but it's true. I hope that this gives you some peace.

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1 month ago

I am 38 years old and have been transitioning for 7 months. I wasn't born in the wrong body, I was assigned the wrong gender. I have lived for 37 years as a man, but now I am a woman. I've told family and friends. Some have accepted me, and others are struggling to accept my change.

The hardest thing for me is being around people who knew me before my transition. It reminds me of a lie that I've been telling them for the last 30 years. They have known me as a man, and now I am not. I can understand their confusion, but I cannot explain why I was given the wrong body.

I've learned to take the good with the bad.

If I were to die tomorrow, would I have any regrets? No. I would leave this world knowing that I gave it my best shot.

I hope you can find happiness in your transition.

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Today

I think this is one of those things that everyone has to go through on their own.

I mean, I'm not sure how else it could be done. I joined groups and places I never expected to. I have become a community leader, and, to many, I am considered a "good person"…a "good girl".  I don't know what that is. Can someone actually be a good gender or sex? Can someone be a good skin color? The absurdity of it was palpable, but what they meant was just to express something about me…TO me. As if there is a truth about me that can only be expressed as a gender identity. I reject the idea. I'm a woman by happenstance. And while becoming myself was for the best, I can't say I didn’t long and pine for days of boyhood yore.

So, here I am. I'm pretty sure I'm female.  I have been for a few weeks now.  I'm not going to deny that. It feels good. The pain of the past can never leave, but I almost feel like someone else entirely…as if I’ve been given the mind of someone else to live on in my body. I'm not 'her' yet, but she is coming.  She will come. I'll be a woman.

I don't want to think about what that means anymore.

I'm not alone. I have friends.  People who love me. I'm happy.

I am not a good person. I am a good girl.

This is my story.

It might help you.