Chapter 10: 10

Chu Yi felt a bit nervous leaving for school that morning. He knew that a thug like Liang Bin wouldn’t usually be up that early, but it’d be bad news if he hadn’t slept yet.

He took a look around as he walked out the stairwell.

Mum was on her way out as well. Behind him, she spoke: “Not leaving yet? What are you hanging around for?”

“Mm,” responded Chu Yi.

Mum ignored him and rode off on her bicycle.

Chu Yi left as well, quickening his steps. He took a different route from his usual, looping a small semi-circle and taking another path to the main road before heading to school.

Mum didn’t pay any special attention to his behaviour. Perhaps she didn’t even notice.

After all, he hadn’t told his family about being bullied in many years, for about… maybe since kindergarten?

Ever since Nana stormed into his kindergarten half-naked to fight with his principal, he would keep things to himself even if the kids hit him again.

But Nana still had her ways of finding out. Even if she didn’t, someone would come tell her just to get a kick out of her explosive reaction.

Then he would head home to be met with Nana’s scolding, Pop’s façade of deafness, Mum’s ridicule, and Dad’s… well, if Dad was home, he would buy some food or something as consolation.

Chu Yi understood from a young age that he could seek neither help nor any sense of security from home, so every time these things happened, he would face and handle them by himself.

When fighting back and killing with kindness both failed, the only option left was to endure quietly, doing his best not to draw attention to himself. For instance, he still wore his old uniform today.

If someone who’d worn old uniforms all year round suddenly changed into an ill-fitting new tracksuit, trouble was inevitable.
Fortunately, he’d been making himself invisible for a long time now.

The first time he saw the mask-clad Yan Hang, arrogantly livestreaming as he decimated Li Zihao and his crew, Chu Yi’s heart was indescribably shaken.

He would probably never be able to carry himself like that his whole life.

That fully confident arrogance.

He didn’t need Yan Hang’s protection, but he still wanted to approach Yan Hang. Under Yan Hang’s arrogance was a calm, easygoing person.

Nobody had spoken to him like that in a long time– so normally, a normal, casual way of interacting.

What was more, Yan Hang was different from the students he knew. He carried himself in a way Chu Yi had never seen.
It was a presence that neither good students nor bad students had.

What a pity.

If only he had never approached Yan Hang to begin with, he wouldn’t have to worry about what to do when Yan Hang left one day.
To have had and then lost — no, rather, to have and to know you will lose, but not when, was more disappointing than never having had in the first place.

“Chu Yi!” Someone called out behind him.

Chu Yi lowered his head and didn’t react. He didn’t have to look to know that the voice belonged to Li Zihao.

The road was filled with people, on their way to work or school. Li Zihao wouldn’t do anything to him apart from spit a few insults. All he had to do was keep quiet.

He didn’t even need to run.

“You deaf?” Li Zihao leaned forward on his bicycle, gliding past. “Didn’t you get your boss to take you to school?”
Chu Yi carried on walking.

“Does your boss think that everything’s settled after he beat me up just once?” said Li Zihao.

Beat him up?

Yan Hang beat Li Zihao up?

Chu Yi was a little shocked.

“You tell him, if my dad didn’t stop me,” Li Zihao said, “you think the past two days would’ve been so peaceful for him?”
Chu Yi could not help but turn to Li Zihao and give him a look.

“He was just one of the waiters in my dad’s shop, what’s he got to be cocky about!” Li Zihao scowled. “Now he’s fired, probably washing dishes in some restaurant somewhere!”

Most of the students knew about Li Zihao’s dad’s cafe on this street, but Chu Yi didn’t expect Yan Hang to have been working there.

And then he even beat up Li Zihao?

And got fired?

“You hear me!?” Li Zihao raised a hand and slapped his head.

Chu Yi suddenly stopped walking.

“What?” Li Zihao looked at him with great surprise. “Oho, gonna fight me, huh?”

Chu Yi didn’t speak. After a pause, he continued to walk.

Li Zihao was alone, so he wasn’t as spirited as he would be with a couple of others backing him up. When Chu Yi didn’t respond, he lost his enthusiasm as well, and cycled away.

Watching Li Zihao cycle away, Chu Yi finally stopped. He bent down, cupped his knees, and took a few deep breaths.

Li Zihao was shocked. So was he.

He hadn’t had this feeling in a very long time–the feeling of wanting to chuck something at Li Zihao’s head.

All these years, he’d grown accustomed to living this way, accepting that this was a form of self-defence, at least at this stage.

Whatever he faced, no matter how embarrassing or hurtful, he could remain calm.

It was just another facet of his life. If he couldn’t remain calm, he couldn’t live on.

But today, he felt such a tidal wave in his sea of emotions that even he himself startled back in fright.

Yan Hang didn’t sleep all night. Only after dawn broke did he manage to catch a few winks, and even those didn’t last too long– no more than an hour, perhaps.

His whole body ached from lying down. He had to get up.

Peak foot-traffic hours for students and office workers had passed. From his window, he could see the near-empty street.
The sunlight was pleasant, and the air was warm.

Feeling a little more awake after washing up, Yan Hang got changed and went out.

He walked around and bought some toasting bread, eggs, black pepper and ketchup.

Then he went home and made himself a lovely French toast, poured himself a glass of milk, and sat by the window, polishing it off with grace.

When you’re bored, or in a bad mood, doing something wholeheartedly can help relieve that.

That’s what Dad said.

Usually it was a useful strategy, but today… this was the best it could do.

After finishing his French toast, he still felt very low.

Especially since the way he felt was different from the way he usually did.

The letter under the coffee table felt like a weight hanging on his mind.

After breakfast he went out again, making up his mind to check out the surrounding area for a new place to work.

The cafe had been on quite a happening street. Had it not been for Chu Yi’s treasure-hunting in the river, he wouldn’t have crossed the bridge to explore the other side.

Today he walked over, and found it alright.

Fashionable.

Yan Hang had a clear goal when looking for a place to work: it had to be a Western restaurant. He had always wanted to make Western food. Now he had no particular conditions, only the desire to stay in such an environment as much as possible; to see, hear, and touch that which was related to what he wanted to do would no doubt teach him many things.

Next to the mall was a trendy street with all manner of Chinese and Western cuisine. Yan Hang turned in and strolled down the lane.

Walking halfway, he saw a Western restaurant hiring servers.

He walked in.

When school let out for lunch, Chu Yi went home alone for the first time.

Li Zihao didn’t give him any trouble, and the others who had accompanied him home for so long now only followed from afar without approaching. Perhaps they too had received Li Zihao’s report.

Chu Yi felt rather unaccustomed to this.

When he passed Yan Hang’s house, he paused, then crossed the road.

The curtains were drawn in Yan Hang’s window. He went over and rapped lightly on the door, but there was no response within.
Chu Yi stood firm and knocked another two times, making sure no one was home before turning around in disappointment and walking off, hanging his head.

Two steps later, a leg stretched across his path, blocking him.

He took the shoes in at first glance. They were Yan Hang’s shoes.

Yan Hang must’ve been an NB fan. All his shoes were NB.

“Pay the toll,” said Yan Hang, arm outstretched.

Chu Yi dug into his pockets and retrieved a single yuan. He placed it in Yan Hang’s hand.

“Thought you said you were generous?” said Yan Hang.

“It’s a p-public w-walkway,” Chu Yi said, pointing at the ground. “How ‘bout you t-try a few o-other people?”

Yan Hang laughed. “Have you eaten?” he asked.

“G-going h-home for lunch.” Chu Yi smiled. “You off f-for a walk around t-town?”

“Nah,” said Yan Hang, “I’m looking for work.”

“Did you, find any?” asked Chu Yi immediately.

“Duh. I’m not looking for some crazy professional job, just a place as a server. It’s not that hard.” Yan Hang stuck a cigarette in his mouth. “It’s a Western restaurant over there, I’ll bring you there for a meal sometime.”

Chu Yi nodded. After some thought, he reluctantly asked in a soft voice: “You beat-beat-beat up Li, Zihao?”

“Mhm, I beat-beat-beat-beat him up, probably three to four times.” Yan Hang counted off his fingers, and then looked at Chu Yi. “Who’s Li Zihao?”

“The g-guy from the other day…” Chu Yi pointed across the road.

“Oh, so his name’s Li Zihao,” said Yan Hang. “Yeah, I hit him. He was acting funny, coming over and calling me boss, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t punch his smarmy face.”

“S-so you l-lost your job.” Chu Yi sighed.

“I lose lots of jobs every year,” said Yan Hang. “You should sigh at least another eight times.”

Chu Yi looked at him.

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“It’s nothing to do with you anyway, what are you so glum about?” said Yan Hang. “I grew up fighting, I fight anyone if I don’t like the look of them. I don’t need a special reason.”

“I kinda, envy you,” said Chu Yi.

“For what?” asked Yan Hang. “Fighting?”

“N-no.” Chu Yi looked at him. “You’re s-so f-free.”

Yan Hang stared back at him without speaking for the longest time, before finally smiling. He patted Chu Yi gently on the arm, saying, “You don’t understand shit. Go home and eat, you’ll get in trouble again if you’re late.”

Chu Yi wasn’t late when he got home. Mum was cooking in the kitchen. It smelled quite fragrant.

He entered the kitchen as soon as he put down his bag, and washed the bowl Mum had used for whisking eggs before she had even opened her lips.

“Go do your homework,” Mum said. “I’ve done everything already. If you’d come any later I would be done feeding you to boot.”
Chu Yi said nothing. He tied up the full trash bag and lined the bin with a new plastic bag before leaving the kitchen.

Nana didn’t have the time to bother with him today. Sat on the sofa, she yelled into the phone: “Well, make a fuss, then! If ya don’t make a ruckus two, three times, ain’t nobody gonna do it for you… what do they mean, “business days”! Don’t believe them, they just wanna cheat good common folk like us… I’m tellin’ ya, ya gotta kick up a fuss! Sit in their lobby! See if they care then!”
Chu Yi went into their bedroom and sat on his bed.

He hadn’t washed the tracksuit he’d worn yesterday. Just as he was about to do so, he noticed that the change in his pocket had been removed and placed on the bed.

He stood stunned. Not caring to check if the amount had reduced, he reached into the pile and rifled through it. Once he’d ascertained that the coin was not in the heap of change, he started back.

The only people in his family who would touch the money in his pocket were Mum and Nana.

Nana was on the phone… and even if she weren’t, he wouldn’t dare ask. He could only walk to the kitchen. “Mum.”

“What?” Mum said impatiently.

“The money in m-my, tracksuit…” Chu Yi asked in a small voice. “Was i-i-it…”

“I took six bucks. I was short of six when I went to get soy sauce at the shops.” Mum raised her voice at the living room as she spoke. “Your grandmother didn’t even have six bucks of chump change! So I took yours.”

Chu Yi did not speak. He turned and left the kitchen. Putting on his shoes, he didn’t even bother mentioning to Nana where he was going before he rushed out the door.

He didn’t mind Mum taking his pocket money at all, especially since it was Mum who gave it to him in the first place.

But not today’s six bucks. Six bucks: a five-yuan note and a single coin, he was sure of it.

This was no ordinary coin; this was the talisman Yan Hang had given him!

Though Yan Hang said that all coins were talismans, this coin was no ordinary talisman—it was a lucky coin spirit talisman.
Almost in one breath, Chu Yi ran all the way to the shop and slapped the countertop, yelling, “Coin!”

“Argh, what, what!” The shopkeeper started back in fright.

“My mum, just b-bought, soy sauce!” Chu Y rarely felt his stutter to be an inconvenience—all he had to do was speak a little less, or a little slower—but now he understood how frustratingly slow a stutter could be. “Was. There. A coin!”

The shopkeeper flipped through his box of change, slightly bewildered. “Uh, probably, yeah. I just put the cash away, there’s about twenty bucks here, but only one coin. “

“Gimme!” Chu Yi shouted, pulling a yuan note from his pocket. “Here, f-for you.”

“You’re frantic. “ The shopkeeper took the coin out and eyed it closely. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were looking for some golden nugget.”

Chu Yi took the coin from the shopkeeper’s hand and lowered his head to study it. The coin didn’t have any identifying features, though; he was lucky the shopkeeper had only that one coin.

“Thanks,” said Chu Yi. “S-sorry about, that.”

“No bother, no bother,” said the shopkeeper. “You’re workin’ up a sweat, what’s this all about?”

This was his coin spirit! How could he not panic?

Chu Yi pinched his coin spirit tightly all the way home.

As soon as he got home, Nana pointed at him as she rained down her abuse. He felt nothing; none of his grandmother’s scoldings ever got through his head anyway.

Only when he had placed the coin in his pencil case did he finally feel at ease. He lay down on the bed, not wanting to move.

The sky darkened gradually.

After a short noontime nap, Yan Hang woke up at around three, and then sat for a few hours at the window, gazing at the distant sky.

Sometimes, when the hours grew long, he could tell each frame of the sky’s shifts from light to dark. There were even times when overexposure to the light caused those frames to freeze a little.

Perhaps only someone who was both extremely bored and extremely insecure like himself would make such meaningless observations.

The post-work peak hours had passed. Bit by bit, the people and cars passing him on the street disappeared into the night, and the scene before his eyes emptied.

He hadn’t seen Chu Yi after school today. That was a bit unexpected.

He leapt down the window sill and sent Chu Yi a text.

[did you go home?]

[Yeah, I took a different route]

[oh k, thought you got stopped again]

Yan Hang swallowed. As he was pondering whether to make himself something to eat tonight, another text came from Chu Yi.

[Are you running again tonight? I’ll come find you]

[what time]

[Maybe 10, I have to finish my homework first]

[thats fine, even midnights ok]

[K wait for me then]

[ok]

Wait.

The word meant something different to Yan Hang.

He was always waiting.

Waiting to leave, waiting to arrive, waiting for Dad to come back, waiting to face a new environment.

Waiting for a day when he could stop.

Waiting for the day when Dad could tell him why.

Having skipped lunch, Yan Hang began to feel hungry. Guess he had to eat dinner after all.

He checked the ingredients in the fridge. Cheese, butter, onions, potatoes, bacon. Pretty well-stocked.

Bacon baked rice, then.

He took his phone out to stream, as was his wont; the phone placed in its holder, the mask put on, he lowered his head and began his silent kitchen prep.

The screen was crowded with the comments of a few loyal fans.

[wanna lick that hand and pay my respects]

[wheres the cute guy today]

[first day w/o cute guy, miss him]

[Xiao Tian Gege is feeling down today]

[How can you tell how he feels with that bigass mask on his face?]

“The rice is left over from yesterday.” Yan Hang raised the wok and dropped the butter in. “When the butter melts, plop in anything you wanna eat…”

[so rough]

[an old hand]

“And then you stir stir stir it…” Yan Hang chucked the ingredients and the rice into the wok together.

[thought you started stuttering too]

[infected by Cute Guy? Lololololol]

Yan Hang smiled. “When it’s all mixed together, pour it into the bowl and pack it firmly, then sprinkle some shredded cheese on top… once that’s done, put it in the oven at 180ºC for 15 minutes, and it’s done.”

Then he closed the livestream and tossed his phone aside.

He stared at the food in the bowl for a very long time.

Only when a noise came from the front door did he turn violently, grabbing a knife as he did so.

He didn’t know why he reacted this way, only that under Dad’s purposeful and accidental tutelage, this became an ingrained reaction—just like that sometimes-there-sometimes-not insecurity.

“Jidao, my beloved prince!” came his father’s voice from the living room. “Baobei, are you home?”

Yan Hang put down the knife and walked out the kitchen. “I was cooking.”

“Any for me?” Dad kicked off his shoes as he asked.

“It’s baked rice, want some?” Yan Hang watched him, noting the exhaustion in his face.

“Sure.” Dad walked over to him and stared at him for a very long time. “Hey, Hang.”

“Yeah?” responded Yan Hang.

“I just noticed that you’re grown up now,” said Dad.

“Well then, you’re a bit slow,” said Yan Hang. “I don’t think I’ve ever been little.”

Dad laughed, then opened his arms and hugged Yan Hang. “I’ve always felt that I’ve failed you.”

Yan Hang paused and hugged him back, then quickly patted him down.

“No injuries,” said Dad.

Yan Hang hugged him. After a moment of silence, he couldn’t hold back any longer. “Dad.”

“Hm?” Dad patted his back.

“I’m scared,” Yan Hang whispered.

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