Chapter 1: Boxing Day

The sound of crunching filled the air as he walked, the heavy and well worn work boots bearing down on the small twigs and powdery snow that lined the forest floor. He had already lost track of how long he had been walking, purposefully leaving his phone and watch behind at his parents house. He had stepped out just to get away from the noise of the house, filled with family - his family. They were all smiles, laughter, and joy truly embodying just what the holiday season was supposed to be about. Yet, here he was too deep in the forest to be able to see that house anymore and continuing to walk.

Watching as his increasingly more strained breath began to crystalize in front of his mouth, he slowed and placed a hand on a towering gray oak tree just to the right of him and began to count. 

"One." 

He continued walking forward at a much slower pace, going from left to right and tree to tree counting each one he touched.

"Two." Another oak, clearly younger than the first but somehow just as imposing. 

"Three." An evergreen, it’s thistles seeming to prickle at the sudden contact. Even the trees couldn’t seem to stand him. 

"Four." A second evergreen that gave a glance at a small clearing ahead, causing him to increase his counting.

“Five.” His fingers began to scream out their pain from the cold, not deterring him in the slightest.

“Six.” Starlight began to illuminate the clearing as the clouds moved, the small oblong circle just big enough for a person to spin in place without hitting a tree.

“Seven.” The trees seemed to be getting bigger as he approached the clearing, making it seem all the odder. Just who had put all of the effort in to make the space, he wondered.

“Eight.” The cold began to seep into his lungs, making his already rapid and painful breaths all the more taxing on his thin frame.

“Nine.” 

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He suddenly found himself in the center of the clearing, no trees within reach to form the magic ten. The required ten. Instead he craned his neck up, searching for the brightest star he could and upon finding it muttered out “ten” and dropped to his knees, exhausted. The cold had finally begun sinking in, working its way into his core even through his jeans and heavy coat. His left hand bounced between pawing the long stained interior of the brown jacket’s pocket and the front pocket of his jeans, desperately searching for warmth. His right hand, meanwhile, stayed put in the jacket as his thumb continually wound and unwound a loose thread around itself.

Stilling his hands and dropping his eyes from the star above  to the forest in front, he began to speak in a quiet voice. “You know, I, uh… I don’t even know why the hell I did this to myself. Why the hell I came out here… I just thought… well, I guess I thought it’d be easier for you to hear me out here where it’s quiet. All by myself. If you’re gonna hear me at all, I guess it doesn’t really matter where I am. It’s all just about if you wanna listen in the first place.” 

He sighed before he continued. “I don’t know where to start. I was never any good at this kind of thing. Not my bag. Don’t know if it’s anyone’s bag really though. I’m stalling, ain’t I?” He let out a half-hearted chuckle as he collected his thoughts. “I am. I definitely am. Still am, technically. I just never could find the words and would always say to hell with it. But I can’t this time. Done put too much effort in. Well here it is I guess: I’m uh not happy with you or myself for that matter, but especially not with you. I mean, it’s all just a lot, you know? Well, of course you know, you’re you.”

His eyes moved down to stare at the forest floor as he continued. “Logically, I know that life is just a series of contradictions that we carry out. But non-logically? In that little part of my brain that is still terrified when I close my eyes in the shower that someone is going to stab me or that the sound of my cat is actually a murderous burglar, in that particular part? I just don’t get it. I doubt if I ever will, but I want to try to. Why? Why me out of all of the bastards here on Earth in particular?”

Tears began to roll down his cheek as his voice cracked and he raised himself up to stand. “W-what did I do to you? Ha-have I been so awful to have come to deserve this? To wake up every single day just to have to thank you for everything I hate about myself? To thank you for the lack of a peaceful death in my sleep, just to have to suffer through another day of this torturous act?”

The cracking of his voice only got worse as he began to scream at the star he had chosen above before, pointing at it as he once again craned to see it. “To have to be a perfect son? To never once allow myself to feel anything but mild annoyance and utter agony!? The agony of having millions of unwritten rules to follow, on top of the thousands someone has bothered to write down! Of having to live like a doll on display! It’s maddening! I’m frankly amazed I only have to take three different happy pills to eke out the meager amount of mehness I’m issued a day. But happiness? I’ve yet to have any of that! That’s what I want! I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR A SINGLE DAMN SECOND!”

He coughed as he finished his sentence, being forced by his lungs to catch his breath in short and painful breaths of freezing air as his accusing finger fell back into his fist and covered his mouth. “Oh-okay, look maybe I did get a bit carried away there. It’s not all bad. I… I do like parts of my life. I even like parts of me for what it's worth. I like my body. Most of it at least. The height’s nice. Five-nine is a good height. No complaints there. I like my build. I really don’t mind my voice, although the ability to carry a tune in a damn bucket would have been nice.” A second chuckle left his mouth, sounding much more genuine.

“I have a good life, I know that. My family loves me, I know that to be a fact. Hell, I’ve got a whole houseful of them to attest to it right now. We have food on the table, heat, and I get to come home to it everyday. I really am grateful for it, I want to make that clear. I just also want to enjoy it and I can’t. I just can’t. Can’t you help me to enjoy it? Somehow?”

As if in answer the wind blew just then, partially hiding his footsteps from before. Although his path was still able to be followed, it was going to be much harder to find his way back to the house now. “Just my luck. I finally come out here and the only answer I get is a fuck off. Well, fuck you too buddy.” 

He scoffed at himself. “Did I just tell you to fuck off? Lord, help me. Well, phew, I guess burned that bridge too soon. Heh. Well, I mean, I just told you that then why can’t I say it to everyone else? After all, who cares what some shrink says if I don’t even care what you think? If I just care about what I and I alone think, then I’m only gonna care about what I think will make me happy. Fuck those rules! Who needs them? I sure as shit don’t. All they do is drag me down. Make me have to put on a performance that I’m sure is slowly killing me. Fuck it all. I’m gonna be me.”

She burst out in a giddy laugh unlike any she had ever let loose before, her hands falling to her knees to keep her upright. After taking a moment to catch her breath yet again, she spoke. “Well then, I guess that’s that. Thank you. I’ll see you on Friday.” With a smile plastered on her face she took off back for the house, eager to see her family and share her realization.

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