Chapter 18: Chapter 17: Cracks in the Moon

A’s POV

“So A, what are your pronouns?”

“I, uh… what?”

Where the hell had this come from? Why couldn’t I answer her? It was a simple question, so why did my heart start pounding so hard?

“Your pronouns. What are they? You know, she/her, they/them, that kind of thing.”

I mean shouldn’t it be obvious? I was a guy, so they should be he/him right? I mean, I guess you shouldn’t assume that about anyone, but it’s not like I was trans or anything. Wait! I hadn’t asked what Erica’s pronouns were!

“Oh, uh… yeah. What are- what are yours, anyway?”

“They’re she/her, thanks for asking. Now are you gonna tell me yours?”

She cocked her head slightly and looked at me. She seemed a little worried. I guess I had been dodging the question somewhat, but I couldn’t bring myself to say them. I was a guy, wasn’t I? This should be simple, but for whatever reason, she’d decided to ask, and now that I had the chance to decide that for myself, everything was all confusing and wrong. 

“Um… uh… you can probably guess, I’m totally cis, exactly what it says on the tin…”

Erica looked at me for a long moment.

“I don’t want to be rude, but that doesn’t really narrow things down at all. From where I’m standing, you don’t look like anything. Just a short, cute, vaguely murdery person that I’d like to call a friend.” She paused for a second, staring deep into my eyes, before continuing “Are you doing ok, A? I didn’t mean to stress you out or anything, just wanted to know how to think of you.”

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She thought I was cute???

 

Me? Cute?????? Was that even allowed? Why did that make me feel so fuzzy inside? Why couldn’t she see that I was just some scraggly guy who can hardly take care of himself? And what the hell does “vaguely murdery” mean?

 

I took a second to breathe and to process everything that had just happened before I prepared my response.

“I’m… ok. I just- I don’t know why, but I can’t figure out how to tell you my pronouns. There’s something holding me back, it’s like for the first time I’ve met someone who didn’t just decide those for me, and now that I have, I don’t actually know what to say. Or at the very least, I can’t bring myself to say it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”

At some point she’d started hugging me. I hadn’t even noticed with how absorbed in my thoughts I’d been.

“It’s ok, A. It’s ok. How about this, we’ll go with they/them for now, and you can see how that feels. If and when you figure out what feels right, you just let me know, and we’ll go with that. Sound good?”

I hugged her back and looked up at her face.

“Yeah, sure. That sounds good. Now how about you go ahead and take that nap, I kinda need some time to think.”

She gave me one last squeeze before finding a decent spot for a nap. I guess I had a lot to think about, and plenty of time to do it.

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