Chapter 1: Chapter 1: How Self-Hatred Begins to Manifest in One’s Heart

             Friends will always be friends; what a presumptuous and boastful lie everyone at one point has been told. Friends, as I see them, are temporary relationships that merely cease boredom and loneliness. However, on occasion and by pure chance, you can make such a friend that you think you’ll be friends forever; that too is a falsified and idiotic dream.

            Growing up is learning that no matter how close a bond you share with someone, no matter how many hours you spend talking to them on the phone at night, no matter how many life-changing memories you’ve made with them, one day they will leave you, that is the inescapable and irrefutable fact of life. The sooner you prepare your heart and ready your mental state for abandonment the better, for no person likes to continuously drown in despair, apart from the masochists.

            The fact of the matter is that no matter how connected you feel with someone, you should always keep them at an arms-length away, so their untimely departure will ultimately hurt less. The one identifiable problem with this strategy, however, is the fact that your heart and your mind are not always in constant agreement about what is best for you and your mental sanity.

             I personally have too many accounts of falling victim to the trap of emotions. My own heart has conspired against me and betrayed me far too many times for it to hurt me anymore. Everything I have gone through has always ended in a fiery disaster, so why bother going through something traumatizing and heartbreaking again? It would be so much easier if I could just build up the wall around my heart and move on with my life, for maybe then I could live at least on the wall bordering happiness. Or at least that’s how it was supposed to go…but unfortunately, just as most things do in life, nothing ever goes as planned in this world.

            My soliloquy of pain and suffering truly began to write itself in three increments of time; that is to say, three different experiences helped to shape and define me into the person I am today. The worst part about it was for a time, I too was oblivious to the fact that in the end, I would be alone, and thus I decided to try and be happy, but that too ended in destruction. And so, after my closest encounter with despair, I swore off gaining favor with and inching close to anyone ever again.

            On the 24th of September at 8:58 AM in the fall of my junior year in high school, I resolved to close off my heart for good.

            

An annoying alarm rang out loud, reeling me in from my dreams and into the blinding lights that were reality. Half asleep and eyes still closed, I partook in the stereotypical act of reaching my arm out from underneath my blanket and swinging around for my alarm clock of mental abuse, hoping to beat it to the ground. However, in the fight between my own hand and the metal alarm clock, the alarm will always win. Still stirring, I threw the covers off from on top of me and sat upright with a blank expression on my face. Sorry, I lied when I said the alarm clock fished me from my dreams, for I never fell asleep in the first place; sleep was something rather hard to come by lately, probably due to my late-night reading sessions.

            Glancing over at my clock which lay on the carpet, which read 6:32 AM, I sighed, rubbed my eyes, scratched my head, yawned, and decided it was as good a time as any to get ready for school. My hair’s getting quite long now, I thought as my blacker-than-lacquer hair fell and covered my field of vision after I ruffled it. I got up and got ready for school just as I would any other day, with no real expectations for it, because why wouldn’t it just be another normal day? And just like that, I got ready for school and left, nothing notable ever happens in the mornings anyway. As I was walking, I noticed the streets becoming increasingly speckled with students making their daily commute, together; meanwhile I’ve always walked to school alone. My head hurts. I walk into my first-period class, Physics, and sit down, unexcited, and already wishing for the day to end so I can go home and partake in the rigorous and exciting act called nothing; the cool kids call it “hanging out”, but we all know it’s just lazing around at home doing nothing. I considered resting my head for the remaining 10-ish something minutes before class started, but I was rudely interrupted-and stopped-by the wild appearance of another student. This “other student” who sat his backpack on the floor next to mine, and then sat down next to me, was none other than Sirius Clark, my good friend of 3 years. He had dark brown hair that was parted to one side, a cool and relaxed “I don’t care” look and attire, and a backward baseball cap that undoubtedly made him look like a playboy. As such, I referred to him as “Playboy Sirius”, much to his annoyance. I sighed, already predicting stupidity to ensure after our conversation began.

            “Hey, what’s up?” He said to me as I sat down.

            “Nothing other than the roof, the sky, and the cosmos.” I uninterestedly replied. By the way, before I forget, I should introduce myself. My name is unimportant. I’m 16, I’m a Junior at Rosemont Valley High School in San Francisco California. I have no particular hobbies, I don’t particularly have a favorite food nor color, and I am considered to be a “genius” with my IQ of 170, and that’s about it for me.

            “Haha, it’s always refreshing seeing that pessimistic and witty personality of yours; not to mention punchable.”

            “How can my personality be punchable? And this is my standard default setting. Damn you and all the other “cool kids” who made fun of peoples’ personalities, drop dead, scum.”

            “Your sadism is flaring up again.”

            “Oops.” Yes, this was about the average interaction between us, and they were ones that never failed to leave a smile on my face.

            “Oh yeah, by the way, have you heard from Daniella recently?” As soon as he asked this, I felt my spine crawl. My throat closed and my mouth went dry. Wait, why was I experiencing such a reaction?

            “No, last I heard from her was two days ago, and she sounded…different.” I shook my head as I said this, all the earlier effects I experienced when I heard her name no longer lingered, and I almost immediately forgot about them anyway. The girl in question had not been in contact with us for the past two days, and so we started to worry. Her name was Daniella, that’s really all that matters; that and she was an important person to me and my life.

            “Eh, well I’m guessing she’s busy and all with adapting to a new school with no friends.” Sirius pointed out. Just as Sirius had mentioned, sadly, Daniella had moved all the way to Montana and had recently started high school some 1100 miles away from her closet-not to mention only friends. “She’ll come around eventually.” He said with a positive and uplifting smile resting on his face.

            Class began and as we progressed through, I merely stared at the clock nailed to the wall, waiting for either the bell to dismiss us or for me to gain an ounce of motivation to do my work; whichever came first. After sitting in my chair for what felt like an hour, I felt my phone vibrate from inside my pocket. Sirius too felt the same vibration from inside his pocket; it was a text message from the group chat that I, Sirius, and Daniella were all in together; the group chat that began all our conversations, the chat that logged all the calls and all the hours we spent talking. All the love and all the memories created by the three of us.

            Daniella: “Are you guys awake? Whenever you guys are can you remove me from the group chat? I don’t wanna be a part of this friend group anymore. I can’t leave myself.” -08:58

            My heart started beating way too fast. My head ached. My throat constricted. My fingers trembled as my keyboard popped up. This has to be a joke, I thought, wanting to escape from the realization in front of me. No way, not right now, not out of nowhere. Her own words…we would be together forever. I felt tears sting my eyes as I bit my lip with all the force I could muster, which inadvertently dyed my lips red with crimson. I took a few deep breaths and regained my composure, the best thing to do right now is to stay calm and not panic. For I knew if I made eye contact with Sirius, I would fall.

            Me: “Sure, that’s fine. Can I at least ask why?” – 09:01

            Cowardly words that hid my emotions behind a well-constructed façade made from in-differentness and a lack of compassion; how naïve.

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            Daniella: “No. Just remove me.” – 09:04

            Me: “So you up and say you’re done, and without a reason? Just like that?” – 09:06

            My mental alertness was completely smashed. My words grew more emotional and illogical.

            Daniella: “Yeah.” – 09:07

            Me: “So would I also be correct in assuming that the past two years mean nothing to you?” – 09:39

            Daniella: “Yeah.” – 09:11

            Me: “It was all just a sham full of fake feelings and emotions? None of it ever mattered?” – 09: 42

            Daniella: “Just remove me.” – 09:13

            I let everything out at this point, everything I had just bottled up. If she was going to leave, there was no point in not saying everything right?

            Me: “I see. Well I’m sorry that you feel that way. I truly did care about you, and I thought you did too, but I guess that was me being presumptuous. Unfortunately, there’s no way to remove a person from a group chat with only 3 people, so I guess the next best solution would be for you to just delete it from your phone. Well, Goodbye.” – 09:16

            I lied. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t reveal the feelings I had kept locked up. I hadn’t the mental determination to say everything I wanted. And just like that, I never heard from Daniella ever again. Three years, three whole years full of memories, tarnished, desecrated, destroyed, abandoned, and forgotten in the span of 18 minutes.

            Still having not looked at Sirius, nor said a word, I silently stood up and walked over to the exit of the classroom. My legs feel shaky…it’s hard to stand straight, I thought to myself as I made my great and daring escape. I walked through the door without so much as a word to my teacher and into the boy’s bathroom right around the corner. After ensuring no one else was present, I locked myself in one of the stalls, fell to my knees in front of the toilet, and proceeded to puke out my stomach. My eyes watered, my nose burned, my throat burned too, my stomach felt light and empty, it seemed I really did puke up everything I had in said stomach. Tears sprinted down my face and jumped into the toilet bowl water below; was it from the stinging sensation of vomit that still resided in my mouth, or were they because of the feelings I was experiencing at this moment? I hung my head down as all the world's hopelessness and despair seemed to land on my shoulders; the epiphany of suffering seemed to embrace and coddle me as if I were a small, insignificant, weak child. And then I felt it, the heat in my gut that was quietly rising into my stomach. Anger? Sadness? Loneliness? Depression? None of those trivial emotions matter anymore, nothing matters anymore, my heart is screaming and breaking. The only thing left inside of me was one singular question that reigned champion supreme over my mental sanity: Why? Why did she leave me? Why did she abandon me? Why did she say she was done? Why would she leave me after two years just like that? What benefit did that serve her?

What did I do wrong? Was it my fault? Did I do something bad? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something not good enough? Is that it? Am I not good enough? That's it... that makes the most sense. I wasn’t good enough for her and she left me just with a snap of her fingers. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. Everything that happened was because of me. All the bad things I’ve ever dealt with are because of my own actions and their consequences. She got tired of me and didn’t love me anymore...so I shouldn’t love myself anymore, right?? I shouldn’t love myself anymore, I should hate myself. Yeah...that's easier, that’s much easier...I should just hate myself. I hate myself, it’s so much easier than dealing with this sudden assault of emotional pain. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

 I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

 I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

 I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I glanced towards my left hand and saw it was still clenching the pen I was twirling before I received that fateful text message from Daniella.

It still had its cap on.

Delusions overcame me and yet another shiver was sent down my spine. I took the cap off and admired the tip of it, it wasn’t particularly sharp, but not too dull that if used with enough force it couldn’t break skin. I rolled my sleeve up as I placed the tip of the pen cap against my skin and took a deep breath, what were the chances I felt pain right now anyway? Satisfying my curiosity, I dug the pen cap into my skin and dragged it down my left forearm, and pain flared up my arm as a long scratch drew itself. No blood huh? After feeling the pain subside after a few seconds, I felt the desire to try again. I placed the tip of the pen cap against my forearm and dragged it down again, this time with a significantly more amount of force. This time, a tiny trickle of blood seeped out from the resulting scar. It doesn’t hurt. I don’t feel anything. Why can’t I feel anything? I want to feel something. I sat in the bathroom stall for the next fifteen minutes carving straight lines into my arms. When I glanced at my watch and realized class would be ending in about five minutes, I wiped away the fresh blood, unrolled my sleeves, and exited the stall with a dizzying feeling. I stood in front of the mirror and gazed at my physical appearance. Disgusting. I tried out a few smiles and decided on the one that looked the best and seemed to be the most natural. I walked out of the bathroom, into my classroom, and sat down as if nothing had ever gone wrong. I put an arm around Sirius’s shaking shoulders and consoled him. The good thing about him was the fact that he was pretty aloof and didn’t understand emotions well, not to mention the fact that he was emotionally strong, he would probably be fine in a few days. Meanwhile, I felt nothing inside of me anymore. I was empty. There was nothing left in my soul. My personality and emotions had crumbled and turned to dust. Emptiness? Loneliness? Stress? None of that matters anymore. Nothing matters anymore. And that’s for the best. Because when someone has nothing to lose, nothing to feel, and no one to care about, they’ll never suffer again, right?

            Thus marks the second instance in which my heart was beaten down and torn to shreds by a single person to that I found myself growing close.

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