Chapter 12: 12

Chapter 12: The Gap Between You and Me

“So that’s what happened.”

Stirring a large pot with a ladle, Mrs. Kearney muttered. I was sitting at the table wiping a few silverwares with a cloth.

“I can’t believe Alan Leopold asked you for a dance. That’s a big deal.”

“I told you, Mrs. Kerney. It wasn’t from the heart .….”

I murmured with swollen eyes.

When I burst into tears in my bewildered mother’s arms, I thought there were no more tears left to shed, but when I woke up in the morning, my pillowcase was damp. It was amazing that I didn’t faint from dehydration.

Then Mrs. Kearney turned around and looked at me with her hands on her waist.

“Melissa, he’s not your lover. Isn’t it natural that it wasn’t sincere?”

“…..That’s true, but…….”

“He’s maybe a person who was even  knighted by the royal family. But no matter how great his family is, isn’t he just a teenager? So what if he has a handsome face?”

Madame was clearly speaking in a gentle tone. She didn’t say anything wrong. But somehow my heart was stuffy.

“Isn’t it a pleasant experience that a person who can be called everyone’s lover requested a dance? It will always be a topic of discussion.”

“…After the dance, I drew so much attention……. Women even came and insulted me, ma’am.”

Without realizing it, a very suppressed voice came out. There is no end to human greed. When we danced, it was definitely ecstatic like a dream, but seeing Alan turning around coldly, I resented him for giving me the chance to dance.

He rescued me from hell, and when I reached the highest and most splendid heights of heaven, he pushed my back. The hell where I was  thrown, was upside down, and was much harsher than when I first set foot there.

Alan couldn’t have hoped that I would shed painful tears. Precisely, there’s no way he would have hoped for anything in particular. I have no value to him. I’m not stupid enough to not even know that much.

“Melissa, you know it’s just envy because you had a good time. There’s nothing to care about because they are just jealous of you.”

“But madam, it was so miserable…. I’ve never been ashamed of my dress and gloves because they’re a little worn out.….”

“…….”

“After following him and peeping into heaven, I became ashamed of everything.….”

Alan made me know my position and the gap between him and me in the most miserable way. Could it be that the first human being who ate the forbidden fruit and came to know the hidden truth of things and the evil in the world had this kind of feeling?

Madam came and sat next to me before. A rough but warm hand was placed on my shoulder.

“Things that are only gorgeous at apparence lack substance, what they have inside are not worthy of you, Mel. They won’t know how delicate and shiny your soul is.”

“Thank you for your words, madam. But….”

Clatter, I let go of the silverware, Mrs. Kearney held my trembling hand tightly. Wouldn’t it be okay to tell her everything now?

“The worst thing is……is that he took my letter…….”

“Letter? Did you write a letter to him? Do you have feelings for Sir Alan?”

Ah, this…..As I met the madam’s wide-open eyes, I hurriedly pretended like nothing happened.

“It’s not like that, it’s just…… He inspired me to write a poem.”

“Yes, since you bought a new poetry book, there must have been a lot of new ideas.”

“But… You may not believe it, but I took it to the theatre yesterday without realizing it. It’s been a while since I wrote it, and I didn’t mean to deliver it.….”

As if to keep talking, madam  set down with an all knowing face. When telling a deep story, the madam seems to be a good opponent because she has more leeway than my mother .

“It… got into his hand. His name was written on the envelope’s surface, and I know I’m the one who dropped it…….”

As I spoke, I felt hopeless that I had no choice but to bury my head in both hands.

At that time, I heard Madame Kerney’s friendly voice,

“He got a poem for himself as a gift, right? Anyone would be happy with such a great gift.”

It wasn’t very comforting.

“…What I wrote is a poem, but…… I’m sure he thinks it’s a love letter.….”

“What? What is it about? Tell me.”

“I don’t remember exactly either. I sealed it as soon as I wrote it. But I’m sure…….”

Because I wrote a love letter to him as a poem.

I love Alan Leopold, madam.

……But I don’t know anymore. He’s hurting me so much. Maybe the days when I peekee at him over my shoulder were actually happier……

“It’s okay, Mel. I have a feeling he will like your poems.”

“……That comfort doesn’t mean anything, madam. He’ll despise me. You should have seen how he looked when he asked me for a dance.”

“Melissa…”

Mrs. Kerney looked at me pitifully. You’ve already found out that I have a crush on Alan.

“Then, I pray that Sir Alan will never read your letter.”

“…….”

“He might not have read it yet, right? Because there won’t be one or two women who hand him letters. If I were young, I might have written a letter to him.”

The madam’s words made sense.

The problem was me. Just imagining his icy gaze reading down the words one by one gives me goosebumps all over my body. To the point where I was anxious enough that I’d rather die.

Nevertheless, if I think that Alan doesn’t read my letter and throws it away…… I feel like my heart is breaking. It feels like I want to cling onto him while crying and begging for him to not do such a cruel thing.

What’s wrong with me? In front of love, I am so helpless that I fall apart.

Alan Leopold, do you also have a soft face when you think of your beloved?

My head was blank and dizzy as if I had been trapped in a thick smoke. I needed oxygen.

At that time, I naturally thought of Tobias Miller.

Then he could heal me. He is not insensitive enough to trample on my heart at will. There is no way he would judge my soft heart with a cynical gaze.

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Of course, Toby was not comparable to the sun. So, he won’t be able to completely melt my frozen heart because of Alan.

But he is definitely a gentle spring sun. So at least he will be able to reap the hazy cold energy that lingers in me.

When the cold is gone, a drop or two of my anxiety will melt from the frozen surface. He will comfort me with his gentle smile as always, and he will be happy to lend me his shoulder so that I can rest.

* * *

The weather turned quite cold.  Mother, Mrs. Kerney and Julia all spoke out saying that when they compare to the fall of the previous year, this is just like winter.

Is it because my heart is frozen? I didn’t even know it was that cold.  But I wasn’t sure that Tobias would be like me, so I sat down at an indoor table rather than the terrace.

The interior of the Antris coffee shop was warm. Perhaps thanks to the interior, it felt more cozy. People were leisurely sipping tea or alcohol making moderate noise.

I was the only one who didn’t feel comfortable here. The moment I wondered if I might look like a paranoid person, looking around over and over again to see if the red-haired man was standing around secretly, someone called me.

“Excuse me…”

It wasn’t Tobias because it was a female voice. I looked back in surprise.

“Ms. Melissa Collins, right?”

The two women were looking down at me with elegant faces. The person who talked to me was the daughter of Mr. Farrington, one of Florin’s wealthy men.

“You danced with Sir Alan at the last victory ball.”

“Ah… Yes.”

I had forgotten that I was no longer a socially invisible person.  Of course, this sudden popularity was not welcomed.  I swear I never asked for something like this.

At least it’s fortunate that they are not as aggressive as the women who picked a fight with me at the ball.

“……If you don’t mind, can I ask what kind of relationship milady and sir Leopold have?”

“Of course, on the lord’s side.”[1]

The woman next to me urged me to add, but I hesitated to answer. It would be more accurate to say that I have nothing to answer.

Nevertheless, it was strange that the current situation made me feel subtle pride. I can’t believe the noble upper-class girls are wondering with an anxious face what kind of secret words and glances were exchanged between me and Alan.

“If it’s hard to answer, just tell me you’re not in a relationship with him.”

“…….”

“Because I love him…….”

Miss Farrington’s lips were trembling. It was pitiful, but I wasn’t shaken. You’re not the only one who is biting your lips while thinking of Alan.

Isn’t he everyone’s lover? Because of that, the reason for heartache is the same for the brown-haired lady in rags and the noble young love of wealthy people.

It was when I was staring blankly at the woman’s expensive-looking headdress with that thought,

“Miss Melissa.”

I heard a gentle voice calling me.

“Toby!”

“These people…”

In his dark green frock coat, he looked just like a large plant. His cheeks were red, perhaps because it was very cold outside.

“Are you meeting acquaintances today?”

“No, it’s not. I think they have something to ask me.….”

I wasn’t in a position to introduce Toby because I didn’t even know her name, let alone being an acquaintance of them. Seeing him standing awkwardly, I felt that I should send the two women back only then.

“Sir Alan and I have nothing to do with each other. That day was acci…dental.”

“Accidental?

“What do you mean by accident….”

Toby and Miss Farrington replied back to me at the same time.

“Miss Collins, please tell me in detail. If you really don’t have anything to do with him……. It’s important to me…….”

“I’m sorry, but I have nothing more to say, Miss Farrington, he doesn’t even know my name. Can it be explained with this?”

“But how could he…….”

“You won’t have anything to worry about. I have a lot to talk about with my friend, so I’d appreciate it if you could leave.”

Miss Farrington and the woman next to her exchanged glances silently and then turned with a quiet bow.

Tobias, whose shoulders were shaking as if trying to warm his body up, sat in front of me with a gentle smile.

“Melissa, I think you changed a little and there is a new atmosphere.”

“What? Me?”

I blinked because I didn’t know what he was thinking, whether I really looked different or if it was just a light greeting. I suddenly thought that I still lacked a lot of knowledge of this man.

At that time, Toby smiled broadly,

“I think it’s true that you have a lot of things you want to say.”

***

[1] She means a relationship that is been acknowledged by Alan’s side too, since many girls have delusional relationship with him lol just like the other girl

Comments from Korean readers:

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Female lead seems to have so low self-esteem and a mental trauma to herself, even an extreme crush. It’s a state of psychology that makes you crazy and unstable.

I love the small daily conversations and short letters in this novel….I really like them. Honestly, even if I were Namjoo, I would like Melissa ㅠㅠ she’s so lovely…..

Toby… So sweet.

Toby is the real one.

On the other hand, I thought the writer is so good at expressing the confusion of not wanting to love herself and loving hi. or who else. She’s jealous even though upset that these feelings may be frustrating and incomprehensible. I hope everyone with this heart, including the female character, will be happy. Thank you for the good writing, writer.

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