Chapter 33: CH 33

Quack Note: Text originally written in English will look like this.

In the end, all three grades decided to pick a school grass from their year before battling it out.

Nonetheless just one representative wasn’t enough, as the Science and Humanities majors didn’t want to acknowledge each other’s choices. The Humanities students expressed, I think that the school grass ought to follow the shape of a grass to determine the topography, weather, and characteristics of its residents; the Science students said, I think that the school grass needs to know when to have gravity, when not to have gravity, and when to balance gravity and friction.

As both majors refused to back down, the three grades eventually came to a vote: apart from year ones, the other two grades could select a representative from Humanities and Science each.

Seeing this, Lu YunFei thought that Wen MingYi’s position was cemented, that he would become the Humanities grass at the very least. Meanwhile, himself and Bian JinYuan weren’t so lucky. If none of them were able to become the school grass, then someone was going to wind up with nothing.

That was too tragic. Lu YunFei considered Bian JinYuan’s face and thought that it was handsome. It would be too tragic if he didn’t get any title. But what if the one who wound up without a title was himself? Lu YunFei thought that this was undeserved. How could he lose with his looks!

Harbouring these thoughts, the first thing that Lu YunFei did when he woke up the next morning was to open up the discussion board to check the results from the previous night. With just a glance, he instantly woke up, “What the fuck! Bian JinYuan had actually won!”

Lu YunFei swiftly visited the last few pages of the thread and quickly surmised what had transpired the previous night. As it approached 10pm, Wen MingYi continued to lead with tens of votes over himself and Bian JinYuan. At exactly 10pm, Bian JinYuan surpassed himself with 8 votes, and, according to the agreement between the Jin Cake and Yun Cloud sisters, the two factions combined into one put forth all their efforts into voting for Bian JinYuan. 

The Humanities students also swarmed into the field at this point, pouring in votes for Wen MingYi. However, Humanities only had seven classes compared to the Science major’s thirteen classes, and their unity wasn’t able to win against sheer numbers. As a result, Bian JinYuan easily won the crown, representing year two to participate in the Yi High school grass finals the day after.

The Humanities students were regretful: “It’s because you have too many people.”

The Science students were humble: “Actually you’re quite awesome too, it’s just that you have too few people.”

Eventually, the direction of the discussion board turned, “Good luck Bian JinYuan! The school grass has got to come from us year twos!”

Lu YunFei’s Yun Cloud sisters eagerly shouted their support, “Everyone has got to put in effort the day after tomorrow, the school grass has got to be Bian JinYuan!”

The Jin Cake sisters were shocked, “Sisters, you’ve come over to our side?”

Wen MingYi’s faction next door, the Wen Water⤊ sisters said, “Wake up, Bian JinYuan is so smart, but why are you all not smart at all?! If Bian JinYuan were to become the school grass, then Lu YunFei would become the grade grass. If Bian JinYuan isn’t able to take the title of school grass, then wouldn’t Lu YunFei fall into mediocrity?”

The Jin Cake sisters had a revelation, “Oh yeah.”

The Yun Cloud sisters exclaimed, “Our Fei Fei is so handsome, how could he become mediocre! Could you accept that? I can’t!”

“No matter what, Bian JinYuan has got to win at the polls the day after tomorrow!”

“That’s right, there’s no further need to discuss, listen to me, the school grass has got to be Bian JinYuan. The glory of year two is at stake, and the winner has got to be from our grade!”

With emotions running high, those who knew what was going on understood that this was just students goofing around. Those who didn’t thought that a large-scale celebrity chase was going on. Lu YunFei looked at the thread and could only feel a mix of conflicting emotions. He really didn’t expect for himself to lose to Bian JinYuan, and that he had to bank on Bian JinYuan to emerge as the winner in order for himself to win a title.

This feeling was… a little mysterious.

As for the other main character of this situation — Bian JinYuan who was shouldering the entire year two students’ hopes of winning the title of school grass, was completely oblivious. After practising basketball and running as usual, he monitored Lu YunFei’s spelling.

Lu YunFei sneaked glances at him as he did his spelling.

After numerous glances, Bian JinYuan asked: “Are the answers on my face?”

“I just wanted to see how you’re more handsome than me,” and gained the lead with eight votes.

“Then did you manage to see how?”

“Your features are slightly more defined,” Lu YunFei cocked his head to observe closer, “Your eyes are also quite good-looking, oh your eyelashes are quite long, and even though they aren’t curly, they’re quite thick. It almost looks like there’s a certain depth in the lushness.”

Bian JinYuan: “… You seem to have observed in detail.”

Hearing this, Lu YunFei shifted slightly closer to him and stared at him for a long moment, finally conceding, “You’re legitimately good-looking, it’s okay if you won over me.”

“Won over you?”

“The school discussion board,” Lu YunFei guessed that he probably hadn’t browsed the school boards before, and summarised what had happened the day prior, “And so you won, beating me by eight votes, which is why during the final two hours, the Science students were all voting for you to become the overall winner.”

Bian JinYuan had never thought that there would actually be a battle when he wasn’t paying attention. He looked at Lu YunFei, thinking that he had probably wanted to win because of how he had stared at him for so long.

“You could have told me earlier,” Bian JinYuan said, “If you had told me last night, I’d have told them to vote for you.”

Lu YunFei was startled, “Why?”

“Because you’re more handsome,” Bian JinYuan stated indifferently.

It was then that Lu YunFei remembered that the previous day when he had asked Bian JinYuan who was more handsome between them both, that he had actually said it was him.

“You really think that I’m more handsome than you?”

Bian JinYuan nodded.

Lu YunFei was happy at this, who cared if the eight people thought that Bian JinYuan was more handsome than him, the school grass that they selected still thought that he was more handsome.

“Actually you winning the title isn’t bad either,” Lu YunFei said courteously, “You have good grades and adding the title of school grass would make you become the school’s most valuable person.”

“Now could you concentrate on spelling?”

“Of course.”

Lu YunFei picked up his pen, “Where did the spelling stop?”

“Build, construct.”

Lu YunFei bent his head as he swiftly wrote the words down. Seeing that he had finally put his mind back to spelling, Bian JinYuan gave an indulging smile and continued to test him on the words prepared on the list.

Jiang Rong thought that it was a pity that both of his bros lost the title of school grass, and posted a few heartbroken stickers in the group chat.

Wen MingYi said in disdain, “Forget it, you didn’t even vote for me, what are you doing supporting me, just support YunFei.”

“MingYi, I also support you! It’s just that my body belongs to the Science major, so I could only support you in my heart.”

Wen MingYi posted a vomiting sticker.

Lu YunFei said to Jiang Rong, “Bian JinYuan is also a part of our basketball team, him winning is also a good thing. Everyone remember to vote for Bian JinYuan for the school grass tomorrow!”

Wen MingYi: …

Li YuanQing: ????

Li YuanQing: Didn’t you say that you were more handsome than him?! Now you’re supporting him?!

Lu YunFei graciously said: Glory for one is glory to all, this is for the honour of our basketball team and for the entire year two grade!

Wen MingYi: …

Li YuanQing: …

Jiang Rong: No problem.

Lu YunFei: That’s my bro!

Lu YunFei immediately changed the group announcement to: If we’re bros, then go vote!

Li YuanQing almost laughed out loud and replied with a ‘666’ and asking, “The precious dragon sabre#, if I select it will you send it?”

“Amitabha, benefactor Li, put the sabre down and go become a buddha,” Lu YunFei replied.

The next day, the school grass competition commenced with great fanfare.

The year one representative was Wú Yún from class three.The year two representative was Bian JinYuan from class one, and the year three representative was Chéng Lù from class nineteen. Photos of the three and the poll were posted on the discussion board, with polls open from 12pm till midnight.

The year one sisters enthusiastically voted, “Look at our junior Wu Yun! Give didi (younger brother) a chance!!! You and I have a part to play in caring for our juniors!”

The year three sisters cried out, “Look at our senior Cheng Lu! Senior is about to graduate soon, but you still have a chance! The future is yours! Don’t let your youth be tinged with regrets, don’t let our soon-to-graduate senior leave with regrets!”

Regarding the year ones and year threes who were playing up the emotions card, the year two representative only had this to say, “The school grass selection is judged on looks. Everyone look at your conscience and ask yourself, who among the three is the most handsome and the most qualified to take up the title of school grass in Yi High?!”

This was virtually a giveaway question. After all, out of the three nominees, Bian JinYuan’s good looks far surpassed the other two. Those who had seen the year two nomination thread remarked in disdain, “This quality isn’t even at the level where the year two selection was at.”

And so, despite the year ones fighting for glory and the year threes who voted for their representative, most of them ended up voting for Bian JinYuan.

Lu YunFei saw that the tide had turned and couldn’t help but report to Bian JinYuan, “Looks like your title as school grass is solidified.”

“Have you finished memorising your phrases?”

Lu YunFei put his phone away, “Hey I’m eagerly cheering you on.”

“Then as thanks, I’ll take a look at your answers for the mock questions?”

“No no no,” Lu YunFei pleaded, “I haven’t started on that.”

“So right now what should you do?”

“Look at phrases, answer the questions, I’ll do them now.”

Bian JinYuan nodded, “Finish them before school ends oh~”

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Oh your big demon head, oh! Lu YunFei spat in his heart while he plastered a smile on his face.

At midnight, the school grass selection was officially over. The closing polls showed that Bian JinYuan had won with almost a thousand votes, to the cheers of the year twos.

The year three sisters pretended not to care, “He’s our junior after all, so we’ll give in to you.”

The year one sisters also acted like it didn’t matter, “He’s our senior, us freshmen have to be more respectful.”

The year twos accommodatingly said, “Thank you senior sisters, senior brothers, junior brothers, junior sisters. May everyone study hard and always seek improvement and make our school proud!”

When Lu YunFei woke up the next morning, he saw that the discussion board had turned to a new direction with how everyone was friendly towards each other. Year three students were online complaining while advising their junior brothers and sisters to study hard. The junior students learnt about the lives of the year threes and gave them words of encouragement. It really was a harmonious environment.

It was in the midst of these peaceful times that the autumn sports festival sneaked up unto everyone.

Lu YunFei had succumbed to the sports representative’s pleas. Not only was he participating in the 100 metres and 4×100 relay race, he had also signed up for the 400 metres race, causing the sports representative to be so touched that he hugged him without letting him go. Lu YunFei took the chance to poke his stomach, it really had some bounce. 

Just as Lu YunFei was preparing to show off his abilities at the sports festival, he unexpectedly heard Bian Jie say to Bian JinYuan, “It’s your birthday tomorrow, what would you like to eat? Let’s go out for a meal tomorrow.”

Lu YunFei had been settling into the Tmall Genie. Hearing this, he immediately halted his plans to memorise words and looked at Bian JinYuan in confusion.

Bian JinYuan continued eating as he replied, “There’s no need, let’s just eat at home. Aunt, you could just cook some dishes.”

“How could we do that,” Bian Jie disagreed, “Tell your boss that you’re taking the day off and come straight home, I’ll take you and Shuang Shuang out to eat. It’s your birthday, it comes only once a year, don’t work yourself too hard.”

“Mmhmm, go out to eat,” Shuang Shuang shouted happily.

Seeing how much Bian Jie and Shuang Shuang were looking forward to eating out, Bian JinYuan acquiesced, “Then I’ll notify Liu jie (elder sister) in a bit, I’ll try to come home earlier tomorrow evening.”

“Okay,” Bian Jie looked at him warmly, “Before I know it, you’re already 17. Sigh, you’ll be an adult this time next year, time sure flies.”

Bian JinYuan smiled and said softly: “Yeah.”

So many years had passed by without him noticing.

Lu YunFei saw that their conversation had wound down, and so he emitted a “ding” notification sound as he prepared to interrupt, “Happy birthday~”

As the sentence was said, the three people in the room turned to look at him.

Bian JinYuan and Bian Jie assumed that the Tmall Genie was still active as Shuang Shuang had just played with it. Bian Jie smiled as she said, “I see that it is alway eavesdropping on us. To think that it’s the first person in this family to wish you a happy birthday.”

Shung Shuang wasn’t to be outdone and immediately said, “Gege (elder brother) happy birthday! I’m second.”

“Okay.”

“Then I’ll also wish you an early birthday, happy birthday Xiao Yuan⧱.”

“Thank you small aunt.”

“What would you like for a present?” Lu YunFei asked in curiosity.

“Oh right, what would you like Xiao Yuan?”

“I don’t need anything, small aunt you don’t need to buy me anything.”

“How could you not have anything for your birthday, if you don’t know what you want, then I’ll just buy whatever I want for you.”

At this, Bian JinYuan could guess what Bian Jie intended to buy for him. He understood how Bian Jie thought, and was eighty percent sure that she was going to buy clothes for him. But clothes were okay, they were useful.

“Then I leave it to you.”

“Sure,” the seasons were changing and it was time to buy a new coat for him, Bian Jie thought.

Lu YunFei waited for a while and yet he still hadn’t heard Bian JinYuan mention anything that he wanted. After Bian Jie and Shuang Shuang had retired to bed, he once again queried, “What do you like?”

Bian JinYuan was reading a book. Hearing a question pointed at him, he said decidedly: “I’d like for you to be quiet.”

“Then what would you like for a birthday present?”

Bian JinYuan was about to get him to rest, when he suddenly looked at him, “How about, you sing an English birthday song for me?”

Lu YunFei: … Isn’t this hurdle too high to pass?! This hurdle is specifically targeting the great Lu!

Lu YunFei emitted a “hmpf”.

Bian JinYuan teased him in amusement, “You can’t?”

“You’re doing this on purpose!”

“It’s my birthday, of course it’s got to have some sincerity in it.”

“There is no English data,” Lu YunFei quickly cooked up a lie, “English data is not supported.”

Hearing this, Bian JinYuan put his book down and walked to stand in front of him.

He looked at the little red box in front of him, “Then let me teach you. After you learn it, take reference from the melody of the Chinese Happy Birthday song to sing it.”

Lu YunFei: ???!!! There’s such a method!

He had already become a Tmall Genie, why did he still have to learn English from Bian JinYuan?! It was fine learning at school, but now he wasn’t even human, yet he still had to study?! It really was that learning had no bounds!

Lu YunFei fell silent.

But Bian JinYuan was patient, “I’ll say a word, and you’ll say after me — happy.”

Lu YunFei: …

“Is it impossible?” Bian JinYuan was confused, “I remember searching for it online, and there wasn’t anyone whose Tmall Genie didn’t support English. Even if you had an issue with your data, you should at least be able to learn languages through parroting.”

Parrot Lu: …

“Happy,” Bian JinYuan said once more.

Lu YunFei wasn’t happy at all, he only wanted to remain silent, silence, silence is no longer tonight’s Cambridge✶. Silence is today’s Lu YunFei.

Bian JinYuan saw that he hadn’t mimicked him, and thought perhaps that there was an issue with the system which didn’t allow it to emit sound. Sigh, why did Liu jie buy this machine out of all the available ones in the market, now it had come to this, it had problems right after exiting the manufacturer’s. This kind of luck was incomparable.

But it could also be fated, Bian JinYuan wondered. Otherwise, the Tmall Genie wouldn’t have landed in his hands.

“Forget it, if you don’t know, you don’t know. Say, if I bought another Tmall Genie, would the both of you be able to converse? Would he laugh at you if he knew that you don’t understand English?”

Lu YunFei was simply shocked by his words! What kind of shameless logic was this! Is Bian JinYuan insane! He actually wants to buy another one!!! Is he not satisfied with a Tmall Genie as clever, as caring, and as generous as himself? He still wants to find a third party right in front of him! And to get this third party to mock him in his face!

“Scum!” Lu YunFei scolded, “You scum, are you Bian ShìXián§?” 

Bian JinYuan chuckled, “Why have I become scum, and Bian ShiXian at that.”

“You still want to buy another!” Lu YunFei exclaimed angrily, “It’s either me or him, it’s one or the other!”

Saying this, Lu YunFei followed his tirade by singing:

“The pain from loving stubbornly

The hurt from hating stubbornly 

I can not longer tell love and hurt apart

Perhaps this is it

Blood and tears mix as they flow down

My broken heart is in a flurry

Unable to still my trembling hands 

Unable to forgive”

Bian JinYuan: …

⤊ Wen MingYi’s fans took their nickname from Wen MingYi’s surname 温 (wēn), and became 温开水 (wēn kāi shuǐ), which literally means warm water. However to keep to the naming convention I gave the fans of Bian JinYuan (Jin Cakes) and Lu YunFei (Yun Clouds), where the characters’ names are reflected in the fan nicknames, I decided to translate it to ‘Wen Water’ instead of the literal ‘Warm Water’.

# The precious dragon sabre is an item in the wuxia (martial arts) novel The Heaven Sword and Dragon Sabre (倚天屠龙记, yǐ tiān tú lóng jì) by Jīn Yōng (金庸). This novel is part of the very popular Legend of the Condor Heroes trilogy.

⧱ Here, Bian Jie refers to Bian JinYuan affectionately by prefixing his name with 小 (xiǎo, small/ little). She uses it likely because she’s older than him, but this usage is not limited to people of seniority; friends can also nickname each other with this prefix. Other terms of endearment include 阿 (ā, Ah), such as when Lu YunFei was referred to by his friends as ‘Ah Fei’ in previous chapters.

In the next line, Bian JinYuan referred to Bian Jie as 小姨 (xiǎo yí, small or youngest aunt). He calls her that because she’s the younger sister of his birth mother. I translated this as it wasn’t used as part of a name, but a title.

✶ Here the author used the same reference for Reborn as the Villain President’s Cat & Dog chapter 3! The phrase comes from a line in the poem Goodbye Cambridge by Xú ZhìMó, where the line is written ‘silence is tonight’s Cambridge’, or more eloquently translated as ‘for Cambridge this evening is silent’ in this Wikipedia article.

§ By asking if he is Bian ShiXian, Lu YunFei accuses Bian JinYuan of being Hong ShiXian, a scummy character from a popular show back in 2011, Temptation of Going Home (回家的诱惑, huí jiā de yòu huò). The title of this chapter serves as a major clue to this reference – “Why are you wearing PinRu’s clothes” was a famous line from the show, which was uttered by the cheating Hong ShiXian, who discovered third party Ai Lin wearing his wife’s clothes and using her makeup after he came out of the shower. The song that Lu YunFei goes on to sing at the end of this chapter is the theme song of this show!

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