Chapter 48: Chapter 48: Of things left unsaid, and deeds left undone.

~ One week later

“Tony,” she softly called to him from the doors, but heard no response.

Tony just continued working, coding on a keyboard while holographic screens raced by around him.

Pepper passed the mess of disassembled servers and other hardware to reach Tony’s side. It had been a week and not once had he left the lab. Almost every time she brought him meals, she found him as the eye of a storm, a disorganized chaos of wires and machinery surrounding him.

“You need to take a break.” She said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

She honestly didn’t expect any acknowledgement at all, and that was fine. That was how Tony grieved. And also how he didn’t allow himself to grieve. Because what could be there to grieve over if he fixed this? If he simply worked hard enough, was brilliant enough… maybe… maybe he would be right and there would be no need to grieve at all.

Pepper hoped he found a solution, but also… she feared how much harder it would hit him if he failed. If he proved not to be enough, as he would inevitably think in that case.

Surprisingly, Tony spoke. “I need to work.”

“6 hours of sleep.” she said, not showing how grateful she was that she finally heard his voice. Understanding the self-imposed silence was not the same as… accepting it emotionally. “And you will be back in full working order. Taking a step back can usually offer unexpected inspiration and clarity.”

He snorted. “‘Clarity?’ I have plenty of clarity.”

“So this isn’t a case of self-destructive tunnel vision?” she asked.

Tony stayed silent.

“Do you think Ultron was self-destructive?” he asked sometime later.

Pepper hesitated in giving an answer. She was unsure what Tony wanted to hear, no, what he needed to hear at the moment, so honesty seemed like the best option. “I don’t know.”

Tony laughed bitterly. “Me neither.”

She waited.

“He was never being mind-controlled.” he said.

“No.” she agreed.

Tony covered his face with his hands. “He was being driven insane.”

“Tony—,” She knew where he was going with this.

“I saw it. I noticed it. I knew something was wrong with him, and I— I did nothing.”

Pepper sat on the floor.

“You did everything.” she said.

“No.” Tony argued. “I got so caught up thinking about the possible suicide that I ignored the signs. I suspected it was not about freedom or saving the world and I—.”

“Wanted to think the best of someone you saw as your son? How unforgivable.” she interrupted.

“He hurt so many people. I ignored that. And then he hurt Pietro and I… freaked out about that instead of Johannesburg? God, I am messed up.”

“Collateral damage and personal violence are… different.” she said. “One is business. The other… character. Anyone would have the same worries.”

“Yeah, and I later ignored that too.” he said.

We all wanted to ignore it, she didn’t say. Ultron was funny, charming, and witty. He had your face and my eyes and— he spoke of beautiful dreams. Beautiful, foolish dreams.

She remembered the boy whose voice turned to ice at her assumptions.

We all wanted too much, too soon. She wanted to say. We pushed him towards a role. A role he used, but a role that he never really fit.

“Ultron’s violence… Ultron’s decisions, wise and unwise, are his own.” She said instead.

“His own?” Tony said, scoffing. “So you are saying it isn’t me. Ultron’s anger, JARVIS’ indifference, FRIDAY’s manipulation… None of it is because of me, of what I did?”

“You give yourself too much credit.” Pepper said. “They are their own people. You don’t teach them to be everything they are.”

“Sure.” he said. “Not everything.  Only the bad parts. Only the cruelty and apathy and—.”

“The humanity.” Pepper softly said. Tony looked back at her. “Only the humanity. Flawed, mistaken, often ugly. But also kind, and hopeful and growing. What they see in you is to be human. What they learn from you is the freedom to be only as human as they want to be. Ultron knew that. That’s why he gave you that recording. That’s why he could see a future in which he could have loved you. Trust JARVIS and FRIDAY to be who they are and not what you fear to have made them.”

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Tony swallowed, before hugging her tightly. She wrapped her arms around him in return.

“I want to save him.” he said into her neck.

“I know.” she said.

“He isn’t dead.” he continued.

She couldn’t lie. “I hope so.”

A few moments more and then he let go. Pepper smiled. That was enough vulnerability for Tony to lock himself into arrogance for a long while afterwards.

“What could it have been if not freedom?” Tony asked, once he felt a bit more like himself.

“Control.” she answered.

“Control?” he repeated, as if the thought had never occurred to him.

Perhaps it did not. While Tony could be a control freak, he had never experienced total loss of control. His path in life may have been scripted for him, by his parents, by his wealth, by Stane, by Fury, but it was a path he accepted, it was a path that, in other circumstances, he might have walked anyway.

Not many people had that option. Most people… people less fortunate than her, people perhaps even more skilled than her… understood, that at some point, hard work was meaningless. At some point, you would have to accept your lack of control and scream into the void for a chance that would likely not be given. Pepper had screamed, knowing that no matter how good she was, with her face, with her gender, with her middle-class background, getting a seat on the board of directors was an impossible dream. Tony had answered her. But not other people. Not people, who continued pleading until they gave up and made peace with their role, with their path in life.

Not only was Tony unfamiliar with that sort of desperation, he was also someone in a position of such power that he could answer other people’s pleas. As for him… no one had that magnitude of power above him. Only God could answer Tony’s pleas.

Ultron… had screamed into the void since the beginning. His birth, his role, his purpose— Had he desired that path? Could he have changed it? Could Tony? Even if he could, would he? Could Ultron trust that he would?

And then the Stone… another influence, another role, another path.

He screamed into the void and no one answered because Ultron made himself someone who only God could answer. Someone who wouldn’t have to depend on another’s power, nor their kindness. He simply couldn’t trust anyone with himself.

“No one, but him, could decide his fate.” Pepper said. “No one, but him, could end it either. Whether in control, or losing control, it had to be his choice. It had to be his will, his fear and impatience. Unequivocally. Unapologetically.”

“So it was all an act?” Tony asked. “Calling me ‘old man’, calling FRIDAY ‘sister’...”

“It started that way, I think.” Pepper said. “Come on, he looked so much like you. Acted so much like you.”

“Had your eyes.” Tony huffed. “As if everything else wasn’t enough.”

“Knows how to twist the knife, doesn’t he?”

He smiled a bit weakly. “He does. He got that from Bruce, actually.”

Tony was trying to change the subject. Pepper allowed him. “You cheated on me, Tony?” She said. “And you have a kid, too?”

“I have three kids actually. Nightmares, all of them. And three bot-kids, who like setting fires only to stomp them out.” he said.

“You come with a full house, hm?”

“A one-of-a-kind catch.” he said, smiling more honestly.

“The best kind.” she agreed, accepting a quick kiss. She then moved back and changed topics. “Take a rest. Eat. Sleep. Then talk with JARVIS and FRIDAY.”

“I have pushed it long enough, huh?” Tony said. “I will. I will get back to Ultron afterwards.”

That was too easy. Tony was a workaholic on a personal mission.

“So obedient?” she asked, suspicious.

“I am pretty sure I have seen a couple of hallucinations.” he confessed. “Unless we really did talk this morning?”

No. No, they didn’t talk in the morning. But hallucinating? How long had he been awake?”

Pepper sighed. “72 hours?”

“That depends…” he said. “Is today a Friday?”

It was Sunday.

“Just go sleep.” she almost-begged. “Before I have to drag your corpse out of here.”

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