Chapter 115: 115 114. Snow.txt

The scene reminded him of a burned out candle.

So much so that I couldn't feel any energy from Snow now.

Slowly, Snow moved her head and looked at me.

''Kanami......''

The white bandages wrapped around his entire body are prominent.

Looking at his status, I can see that there is no trauma. However, something other than the trauma remains in Snow's body and is eating away at it. The 'Status' only said 'Dragonization'.

''That bandage: ......''

...... Lady Rustyala got me.

Me too. You're with me.

'I didn't look at ...... but I heard about it (・・・・). It was a mess for both of us.

Snow speaks languidly.

The persistence that was there yesterday is gone.

Maybe he gave up everything again in the wake of the loss against Rastiara.

It was a little unexpected.

Even though Snow was quick to give up, it felt unnatural that that uncommon obsession had disappeared so easily.

As I was rethinking how to start a conversation, sensing the difference between the plan and the schedule, Snow pointed to my arm.

'There's no ...... 'bangles'

I'm referring to the place where the "bracelet" was.

Then, with a wry smile, he confirms.

'...... isn't that my Kanami already?'

Yeah.

...... me and Kanami's world is broken?

Yeah.

.......

Snow turned her face down and spoke in a matter-of-fact manner.

His appearance was close to the first time I met her - when I was doing the Academy's assignment in the labyrinth.

I'm sure she's returning to the Snow of one day, but this time she's too apathetic.

Snow takes an odd pause before speaking, and speaks really slowly.

...... I heard from someone who told me that Kanami declared herself my fiancé in her match with Elmirad Siddharth. ...... that I even got into a duel and backed that guy out.

Yeah, I remember. That's right.

...... that means you're going to marry me--

'I'm sorry. I just didn't want to admit that I didn't want to admit to Elmiraad, and I didn't do it to marry Snow.

'...... Yeah, right. ...... ehehe, I knew it (・・・・・).

Snow smiled thinly.

There was a small amount of hope, but he didn't because it was hard to hope, so he didn't.

It's such a powerless smile.

'Thank you, though, ....... I think I've extended my reprieve a bit.

Snow said "grace".

The way I see it, I feel like I'm giving up on everything again.

It was troubling to be strangely obsessed, but it was also troubling to be given up on everything like this.

It's similar to what happened at the ball. As usual, there are a lot of ups and downs.

'...... So will Kanami stop being an 'Epic Seeker'?　Leaving Lauravia?

There's no reason for me to be here anymore. I'll be out of the country one of these days.

...... Yeah.

Sadly, but rightfully so, Snow accepted.

And said nothing.

The only sound is the quiet breeze that shakes the curtains, filling the room.

I cut to the chase.

'So, what are you going to do about Snow: ......

'I give up ...... (...) I don't want to do anything else. I was the one who should have given up .......

He knew Snow would be asked, too.

Without hesitation, he answered immediately that he would give up everything.

'The whole ...... thing was an unworthy dream. ...... I was doing something stupid again.

He blamed himself endlessly and finally apologized to me, saying he was sorry.

I couldn't look at him in a different way than I did before.

'You're giving up again?'

...... I can't go any further. I have no idea how to make it work. I'm scared because I don't know. I don't care about ...... anymore. I don't care.

The more she speaks, the more empty Snow's eyes become.

Before she loses all her power, I hastily reply.

'I think that the great aristocracy of House ...... Walker itself is the cause of Snow's suffering. Now that I've recovered my memory, I can finally say it for sure. I can say with confidence that--

It was a long way off.

I should have had the answer from the beginning, but I was so far behind.

But now I'm going to tell you that.

"-- Snow shouldn't be in the Walker household.

But my best answer to that is.

I can't go to .......

He slipped through.

Snow shook his head without hesitation.

'...... because it already failed to do so.'

Did you miss it?

'...... I lost a lot of people I cared about because I got serious and ran away a long time ago. Because of me.

It's a story from Snow's past.

We finally hear from its mouth why Snow has become so apathetic.

'...... I survive because I'm strong, but everyone else isn't. They're all dead.

He speaks of death as if it were someone else's business in a casual manner.

Surely if she really talks about it, she will not be able to bear the weight of it.

So she speaks as she runs away.

...... The Walker family has no intention of letting me go. If I escape, they will use any outrageous means to bring me back. ...... The memory of that moment still sticks with me and never leaves me.

So ......

So I guess that's why Snow kept looking for ways to live with the Walker family.

As a result, he chose to put the entire Walker family on his son-in-law.

...... The thought of running away makes me cower. ...... I'll have to live with the Walkers. ...... Then Palinkulon let me meet Kanami, who had no memory of her. I knew I could be tricked by Palinclone if I was with Kanami. I thought that with Kanami, I could make it here. ...... Yes, I thought so: ....... In the end, though, it didn't work out. Ehehe ......

Seeing that sad smile makes me sad too.

Snow has given up on 'me (Kanami)'.

That's why he speaks so unguardedly about his inner feelings.

Maybe it's because I prolonged my grace by declaring myself a fiancée at the 'Dancing Tournament', or maybe it's because I lost to Rastiara - I don't know what the reason is.

But whichever reason is the reason, my answer is the same.

'Snow. Let's run away again.

Again, ......?

'I know it's traumatic. But let's run away one more time. This time it will be with me and Rustyala and the others--

Does that mean 'Kanami' is going to take me?

Snow said the same thing he had said at the ball sometime ago, with a blank expression on his face.

Back then, Snow had serious expectations. But now Snow is not expecting that much. He's waiting for me to say no. He's waiting for me to say no. It's a good thing that you're able to do that.

Slowly, I shake my head.

Such a convenient 'hero' is nowhere to be found. That's the only thing I agree with when I had no memory.

'No. It's not me, it's Snow's decision to run away. If this is Snow's choice, I will do my best to help her.

...... your own decision?　...... Why?

Otherwise, it would be a one-sided relationship. I don't want that, I want to be on equal footing with Snow. If we're not equals, I'll get it wrong again. Also--

I remember.

That once, I rescued Mary unilaterally and helped her unilaterally, and that it did no one any good.

On the contrary, it caused a lot of misery.

The scene flashes back to my brain.

The end of the Nativity - that 'purgatory' - and the loss of so many things in the flames of the burning fire - so that it must never be repeated. My cells scream and my body shakes.

...... Kanami is the one who's acting weird. ...... I knew Kanami was just like me. She's traumatized by the fiasco. Kanami, too (・・・・), is stuck in there.

Seeing me trembling, Snow laughed and extended her hand to me.

Her hand is trembling as well as mine.

'...... Kanami would understand, wouldn't you?　The memory of that failure will probably stick with me until I die. Whenever I do anything, the memory flickers in my mind. Whenever I encounter a similar situation, I can't move my body.

Snow has asked for understanding.

He thinks that we can understand each other, having made mistakes that made us want to die.

But I can't accept that for me.

'No (...) ......!　This isn't a trauma. Snow, it's just a matter of perspective. You can't just cower in fear and cower away, regretting your past mistakes. We can learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them!　So, hooray, all Snow has to do this time is get out of House Walker without letting anyone die!

...... No, you can't do that. I made three mistakes, remember?　I'm sure you'll fail again next time. ...... Why don't you understand?

Snow put his outstretched hand back and hugged his shoulder.

'Everyone back home, the seniors in Epic Seeker, the people who ran away with me, they're all dead!　It's my fault!

Just as I am remembering The Scenes of Purgatory Someday, I guess Snow is remembering The Scenes of Hell Someday.

I'm shaking, frightened and cowering, so I'm ...... giving up everything.

I understood that feeling a little bit as my memory returned.

'I don't want to just let someone die because of me again....... I don't want to be the only one left ....... I'd rather stay here than take on such a heavy responsibility......

...... If Snow thinks someone doesn't want to die, I promise that I'm the only one who won't.

...... There are no absolutes in this world. There is no such thing as a never-dead person. That promise means nothing!

'Maybe so. But that doesn't mean you should give up: ......!　Are you going to pretend to be something you're not and continue to live here forever?　Snow......!

...... it's--

I didn't give up.

I got my memories back because I didn't want to live in a fake world.

Even though I knew it would take me away from happiness.

"Don't make a mistake, Snow, don't do yourself a favor.

In the end, that was all I had to say.

I may have lost my memory, but I remembered this one thing.

The will of the Reaper was also conveyed to me.

With that in mind, I answer for the Snow.

"-- What Snow really wants is to get away from House Walker.

Hearing this, Snow's face contorts.

It's probably a wish she's been trying to avoid thinking about for a long time.

Being reminded of it unceremoniously, she becomes enraged.

'...... I know that!　I have to tell you!　I want to get out of here!

He clenched his fists in anger and shouted.　

'--I don't want to be here (...)!

Snow, who had given up on everything, is lit up.

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He's a serious snowflake who doesn't even have a 'pause' before he says something, he just says what he thinks right out loud.

I'm convinced from experience that now is a good time to do it.

--I've learned from my mistakes of the past.

I've learned from my mistakes of the past.

And this time I won't make a mistake.

If I'm going to get someone to open up, I'm going to have to open up first.

I made a vow at the end of the nativity.

Open your heart, trust people, and don't lie to them...

'Then!　You can seriously make that wish come true!　This time, no one, not the Walkers, not the Palinklons, not anyone, will confuse me!　You're going to make your own wishes come true, Snow!

Hey!　What if you fail again?　If you get serious and fail, you will be seriously sad. I'll be seriously frustrated and seriously unhappy. I don't like that ......, I absolutely hate that!

'But that doesn't change anything if you don't move!　If you really want to escape, you'll have to make your own move!

I have to do something about it.　Maybe someone else can help!　Just like Fran will be one day!　Like the Lady Lastiara of one day!　I was jealous of that one!　I was so, so jealous!　I've always been jealous of those girls and I can't stand them!　Why did those people get help and none of them got help for me!　I don't want to be in the Walker house!　But to this day, no one!　I didn't get any help--!

Me and Snow are seriously bouncing words off each other.

There was no calculating, good-for-nothing me, and no sneaky, complacent Snow.

No help is normal!　I didn't have it either, so that's what happened!

'How could I not expect to see the person who was helping me here!　I thought Kanami was going to be mine!　I was hoping for Kanami!　I was seriously hoping for something, and when I was let down, I was seriously sad!　It was so painful!　I don't want to get serious and suffer for real!

'But you can't be seriously happy unless you're serious about it!　It's not going to be like this forever!　You don't really want Snow to live in fear of the Walkers and live in fear of deception!

I want to really feel happy about being happy too: ......!　But I can't do it anymore. I've become a coward ....... I'm so afraid of suffering that I'm going to run away so fast. ......!　My legs are selfishly cowering. My mind turns away on its own. I'm afraid to live. I can't do it anymore like everyone else......!

Snow spat everything out and for the first time, he was screaming with all his might.

His throat shook with all his strength, and he clenched both fists, cursing his fate.

To scream was to admit it.

Snow's face contorts as she comes face to face with the fact that she's been running away for so long.

And then shedding tears.

Unable to control her body's trembling, she breaks her knees as ragged, large tears flow down her face.

''You see, ....... I'll make you serious, ......, helpless tears flow .......

He blames me, wiping away the tears.

'I didn't want to know what I really thought ....... If only I didn't admit it, I wouldn't have to know anything ....... This is just hard .......

Snow couldn't stop the tears and continued to shake like a child.

'But that's Snow's true intentions. Snow has been crying for a long time.

Ever since we met, it's been .......

I fumble, making one last check.

'Snow has been waiting for you ....... Someone to take you out of here (...) .......

Yes, I've been waiting for Kanami. I'm sure it's been ever since I became a Snow Walker.

Snow looked up at me with tear-filled eyes.

In those eyes, I was the only one she could see.

I'm sure you're not the only one who wants me madly. She can't live without me, that much obsession lurks in there. We clash with our true feelings, and the madness we've been hiding is coming back to haunt us.

But that madness is the only thing I can't accept.

'Snow, I'll say it again and again. There is no such thing as a 'hero' who can help you unconditionally. At least not me. I'm not. ......

Still I refused.

'...... So Kanami isn't a 'real hero', is he? ...... And he's not even 'my hero'.

And finally, Snow accepts.

We spill our guts to each other, hurt each other, and finally Snow admits that I'm not a 'hero'. So I can finally make a proposal.

That's why I don't want to be a 'hero' but Snow's 'partner'. I don't want to do anything but help Snow. I'll help you and you'll help me. I think we can become such an equal relationship ....... I'm sure you'll be ......!

...... partner?

Snow listens back as if he's hearing it for the first time.

'Aye. One day Snow introduced me to Elmiraad, didn't he?　We're partners. I think that's the best kind of relationship. We're partners, we don't do everything together without conditions. We stand by each other and support each other.

We support each other by the side. ......

"If you want to be my partner, not my 'hero,' I'll never leave you, That's a promise. I will stand by you to the end, no matter what the Walkers do to get in your way. ...... So don't be afraid to fight on your own, Snow, and don't be afraid to fight for yourself. Fight for what you really want.

I didn't want Snow to see me as a 'hero'.

I'm not going to be the only one who's going to be able to do that. So that's the only condition I ask of Snow.

Snow understands that request and gradually changes the way she looks at me.

She wipes away her tears and spins out the words.

'If we're partners, are you sure we're going to be together forever?

Yeah, that's right.

Are you sure you're not going to die?

Yeah, I'm not dead.

Would you help me as a partner?

I will. And in return, Snow, don't slack off and help me.　

Snow is also giving one last check.

I nod confidently, trying not to make him uneasy.

'Nah, then ......, or ...... if you're my partner--'

And finally, she asks.

One day's wish, again.

'Would you marry me if I wanted to?'

It's .......

My heart pulsed so loudly that it felt like it was going to burst.

In the face of that question that was beyond the bounds of my partner, I could only calmly - I could only shake my head.

That was the only thing I could never nod my head to.

Seeing me, Snow's expression breaks down and her eyes fall down.

'I knew you'd shake your head there ....... Ugh, I'm seriously frustrated (・・・・・・) ....... It's frustrating .......

But the reaction was a little different than when it happened.

No surprise, no freezing.

It was very refreshing - and as if he finally had an answer.

Calmly, Snow laughed (...) -

Oh, I see it now. I knew I was--

Then, with a laugh, he redoes his former confession.

'You're right, Lady Rastiara, I really like Kanami (・・・・・・・) (・・・・・・). I liked her so much, I wanted to marry her so badly.

What?

Now it was my turn to be surprised and freeze.

I was stunned by this too sincere confession, the complete opposite of what I had seen before.

If you ask me, it seems that the cause is Rastiala.

I haven't heard anything from Rastiara .......

I heard that he convinced Snow, but I didn't hear that he went into this much detail .......

But sadly, I could easily imagine Rustyala happily telling Snow about his love life.

Beyond my tolerance, I feel the difficulty of persuading Snow to do so increasing.

'When Rastiara-sama told me that you would be my 'hero', I couldn't answer immediately. I now know exactly why: ....... I didn't want it to be Kanami. Not because it was 'heroic' or convenient, but because Kanami was Kanami, and I wanted Kanami to be 'mine'.

But Snow was calmer and more open than ever.

I have to respond to that.

If I don't respond here, it will be the same as before I lost my memory.

But before I can respond, Snow continues her monologue.

'I like Kanami,' Rastiara-sama said, and I didn't know what to do. I had no confidence at all that it would work, so I decided to give it all up. I thought that if Kanami disappeared like this, I wouldn't be seriously sad. I thought it would be easiest to forget and pretend it never happened ....... I thought but ......, I knew it wouldn't work.

There is no longer any of Snow's characteristic pensive or sneaky features at all.

She continued to speak with a slight flush in her cheeks, just like girls everywhere.

The expression on her face was the most adorable I've ever seen.

As I look at it, I can feel my face getting redder and redder.

I don't want to get serious ......, but I can't suppress these feelings ....... I've been wrong for a long time, but I finally realized it. This feeling of not wanting to leave Kanami means that I like Kanami ......!

Snow smiled and sorted out his feelings.

Hence, that smile was pure and innocent, as if a possession had fallen away.

But even though I knew that smile would fall away, I couldn't lie to him.

I was determined, and in an attempt to respond to that confession--

Snow, I...

'It's okay. I know Kanami doesn't like me. Because what I've done is--

Before I can say it all, Snow accepts it with a smile on her face.

'I just tried to make Kanami my own ......, ignoring whether I like her or not. There's no way Kanami would like me that way....... Even I'm stupid enough to know that much .......

I calmly accepted what I had done and reflected on it, too.

That was the Snow I didn't know.

'But now I want Kanami to like me ....... I'm afraid of being hated, but I still want to be liked and I can't bear to be ....... Even if they don't like me now, I want them to say they like me someday......

The trembling in Snow's body hadn't stopped yet.

But Snow struggled to control it, standing firmly on her own two feet and laughing.

'So I'll try my best (・・・・・・). For the sake of my favorite Kanami, I'll try my best too.

Then he said the words that were unthinkable for Snow until now.

'I will not pretend to be something I'm not, I will be who I am, and I will do what I really wish for.

Snow pushes himself to do what I said before the "Dance Tournament".

Snow looks forward to fulfilling Snow's wish for herself.

'My wish - I used to want to be recognized by everyone. That's why I thought 'glory' was everything. I felt like if I got 'glory,' something would change.

In the past, Snow seemed to want 'glory'.

I'm with Rowen.

'But that didn't mean anything. Instead of giving me anything, they took everything from me.

And because of the 'glory', she lost everything.

That's probably why she was incompatible with Rowen. It probably felt like she was looking at herself in the past.

'I want to try again. And for that, I want to be free of this place.

In the past, Snow has failed, despaired and broken down.

But now, he wants to move on again.

"I want to go to that sky - and far away - not for anyone else, but for myself. That's really all I ever wanted to do: ......

Snow turned her attention to the swaying windows of the white curtains.

She smiled serenely at the blue sky that stretched out there.

Only a really modest wish, Snow could see that only a small wish remained.

'I finally noticed ....... Thank you, Kanami. It's not 'mine' or 'my hero'. 'My favorite person' .......

Snow thanks me with her calm eyes and smile at me.

And then Snow walks away.

Of his own volition.

I'm going to say goodbye to the Walkers now. Will you come with me, Kanami?

He turns around and invites me to join him before he puts his hand on the door.

He made his beautiful sky blue hair dance and stared at me with clear eyes.

'Of course,'

There's no reason to say no.

I take the invitation and leave the room with Snow.

Thus, Snow and I finally take a step out of the false world - toward the exit from this "prison". We both stand side by side and go to say goodbye to the Walker family as partners.

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