Chapter 3: On Time is Late

The rest of the week came and went, and suddenly Saturday was here like a deadline for an assignment you swore you would do tomorrow.

It wasn’t like I wasn’t excited for the hang out. I was. I was just nervous. It had been a while since I’d spent some time with a group of people. Most of my hangouts were one on one conversations. They always felt easier. Having a group dynamic meant there was a collective image of me out of my control that I had to be aware of when speaking. It was much easier when I was simply just across from someone else, having a connection with them and only them. No complex and amorphous group dynamics to keep in my head. 

On top of that I was meeting new people. Two new people in fact! I knew Julia well enough that I would still be comfortable, but there were multiple factors of anxiety leading into today. 

On top of the new people and group dynamics, I was going to meet Leah, the person who I had specifically asked to meet in regards to my mental health. I really didn’t want to intrude into her personal life, especially when I didn’t know her, but if the night goes well, maybe when the vibes die down after the movie we can talk about stuff like that. 

It was exciting though. I had missed Julia, and socialization in general. My depressive ruts left me isolated for extended periods of time, and it’s really important that I can have hangouts like this so they aren’t just prolonged for eternity. 

Plus, I really did want to meet Leah. She seemed really cool from what Julia had said about her. Cool in the way that she was a huge dork like me. A little shy still, but when she felt comfortable she was really nice to be around. At least that was my impression from Julia’s stories about her. 

There was also another person going to be there, though I didn’t know a lot about her. I think her name was Sam? Julia mentioned that her other friend was pretty dry and monotone, but the funniest of the group. I could go with that. 

It seemed like they had a tight knit little circle going on, and I didn’t want to intrude. I had no qualms about not being a part of their thing. I was just Julia’s friend from university, but making friends with them still sounded like a lot of fun. 

It’s easy to forget how fun being social is when you’re depressed. You wallow and feel sad and feel like no one understands you, but feelings lie, all of the time. It does feel nice to be around people, to meet new people and to have fun with them. I knew this. Despite my depression, I knew consciously it was an illness that kept me from being who I really am, and who I really was, believe it or not, was someone who liked being around my friends. 

Even if I didn’t always seek those interactions out. 

This time though, I had! I made plans and I was happy and excited! I was nervous yeah, but that didn’t make the excitement any less potent. Feelings lie, but this one was real. I was going to have a good night with a friend, meet some new people, and maybe have an important conversation with someone who somewhat understands what I’m going through. 

It was difficult to differentiate between the nervousness and excitement on the trip there though. When I was doing other things and idly thinking about today, it was easy to acknowledge the anxiety and remain excited and in a good mood. 

Now however, it was more difficult. Suddenly, it was Saturday, and the bus ride plus 15 minute walk gave plenty of idle time to let those feelings ruminate. They were mixing together. It was hard to differentiate whether that feeling in my stomach was excitement, cautious worry, or reckless anxiety. 

I was simultaneously thinking about how well it was going to go, and how awful it was going to go, and about how both are guaranteed to happen. I spent nearly an hour waiting for this superposition to collapse. I was waiting right in front of a quantum entanglement, but could not observe it no matter what I did. It simply wasn’t time yet. 

My breathing got heavy and I started to sweat a bit as I approached the address Julia had given me. It wasn’t her apartment since she lived pretty close to me, so the new environment was another added factor of anxiety. 

Finally, spotting the house, I took a moment to calm my nerves before I approached it. The house looked quite big compared to the apartments I had lived in my whole life, but really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary given the neighborhood. Probably some overpriced suburb built to separate itself from the city proper. I had to imagine Sam was renting this out, because even though it wasn’t that big of a house, it still felt like a lot for a college student to have, given that Sam was in college and not living with her parents. It felt quite imposing, especially for what looked like a one story place, but that feeling likely came from within myself and not from the house itself. 

After a moment, I successfully took in the setting of the rest of my day, and I was able to calmly approach the door. Taking a final moment to relax myself and get in the right headspace to be around other people, I knocked on the door. 

It took a moment, but eventually it was opened by a brunette about my hurt whose facial expression didn’t seem to contain anything about what she was feeling. 

Hmmm. Must be Sam. 

“Hey,” she said flatly, staring me down. 

“Hi!” I gave myself some enthusiasm. First impressions. Gotta make them good, “Jeremy. I’m Julia’s friend.”

“Nice. You’re early. Earlier than Julia, which is an achievement honestly,” she says, opening the door for me. 

“Yeah well, on time is late, and early is on time. Didn’t want to miss out on anything,” I gave a little laugh as I repeated that saying. It’s what finally stuck with me, given how being on time was a problem for me as a kid. Those dumb sayings from my Dad are what helped me motivate myself to be better. They had good sticking power. 

“God, no wonder Julia likes you. If only Leah lived by the same words,” she responded. She didn’t laugh, and her tone was just as Julia had described, but I knew people like this. She was probably chuckling to herself in her mind. It’s what mattered to them anyway. 

“She the late one, I assume?” I responded as I took my shoes off.

“Oh yeah. She’d figure out a way to be late for her first born child. Not that I’m any different, but this is my place, so not really a lot of opportunities to be late myself,” she answered back as she guided me through to the living room. She took a seat on the couch, and motioned for me to do the same. 

“Hey, I uh, wanted to ask about that. Your place, I mean. Do you own it?” Figured an answer to my earlier curiosity would be a good icebreaker. 

“Oh hell no, who has the time or money to buy a house these days? Nah, I’m just renting while I figure out what I wanna do. I share it with two guys in the lower level, but they’re out on Saturdays. Works good for our movie nights.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty nice then. I’ve never lived in a house.”

“Damn. I’ve been back and forth. The house is nice for privacy, but it feels too big sometimes. Even in this small house I feel like I have too much space. Plus the neighborhood is so far away from everything.”

“Yeah I couldn’t imagine what I’d do with all that space. I have a studio and I can’t even cover the walls with anything nice to look at.”

“Yeah, that gets harder with a house. There’s more design to it so decorating feels harder. Not that I’d know what to put on the walls either. Just makes it feel less like my space.”

“Yeah.”

The conversation had come to a resting point, and I put my hands on my legs and looked around, trying to get a feel of the place. A lot of white. Carpet. A TV, a big window. Felt very plain. Like a grandma's house but dirtier and missing all of those knick knacks she had picked up from some of those weird grandma travels. I don’t think I’d ever want to live in a place like this, but I could feel safe here, especially when Julia shows up. 

“So…” Sam says, bringing me back to the conversation, “Julia was a little cryptic when she invited you over for the girls’ night. Now I don’t mind her bringing a plus one for our weekly hang out, but I do wonder. Why you?”

That question caught me a little off guard. From my first impression, yeah, Sam seemed like she’d be someone to be up front and blunt with questions, but I still wasn’t expecting it. 

“Why me?”

“Yeah. Like, Julia had mentioned you a couple times. I got the impression you were some music kid with a social shell she was trying to crack. She finally succeed?”

“Succeed in what?”

“Cracking your shell, I mean. She mentioned that you wanted to be more social but that it was difficult for you, and she kinda left it at that, but here you are.”

“Here I am,” I let out a half hearted laugh. 

“Yeah. You don’t seem all that anxious. A bit yeah, but you just met me so that seems normal. I’ve seen worse.”

“Yeah, I guess I was just excited to meet new people and hang out with Julia. I am a bit nervous, but one-on-one conversations are pretty easy for me. I’ll probably retreat more once it’s the 4 of us.”

“Hmmm. Okay.”

“Yeah, and it’s been a while since I’ve hung out with, uh, I guess anyone really. I’ve kinda been in this depressive rut recently and I remember Julia mentioning that she had a friend who’s gone through something similar and one thing led to another and now I’m here hanging out with you,” I felt a bit more nervous answering such a blunt question, especially with Sam sitting there all clinical like, but I guess it was nice to be open about what me and Julia had talked about. Though something about the truth made me feel like I should hide it. Those thoughts about intruding into other people's business were coming back. 

“Oh, she wanted to introduce you to Leah. That makes, hmmm, a weird amount of sense,” As she said that, a smirk flew across her face. It was only there for a second but she seemed genuinely surprised by her conclusion. 

“Actually, I was the one who suggested I meet up with her. I just figured if someone else understood what I was going through, then maybe it could be easier to cope, you know?”

“What you’re going through,” she said, staring blankly at me. 

“Yeah. The, uh, depression and isolating and malaise and all that,” I felt a bit more nervous answering that. It was like Sam knew something I didn’t, and was boring holes into my face by just staring at me.

“The depression and malaise.”

“Uh huh.”

“And it was your idea.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Well,” she patted her legs and stood up, “I can definitely understand why Julia invited you over for the girls' night,” and with that she let out a laugh. She seemed amused by the whole situation, for why I wasn’t sure. Before I could ponder that any longer she started talking again, “Did you want anything to drink? Snacks are on  their but I’ve got plenty,” she offered as she walked into the kitchen

“Yeah, you got any coke?”

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“I wish, just the cola kind,” she yelled back from the other side of the house. 

“Good enough for me!” I joked back. 

Sam returned after a moment, with two glass bottles in her hand. 

“No way! You got the glass bottle Coke?” I exclaimed. I loved the stuff, plus there was a certain vibe to drinking out of a glass bottle. I fully believe the pop tastes better than in a plastic bottle. 

“Duh, what else. The grocery store here stocks it and I just buy packs of them. Tastes way better,” she replied. 

“I know right. I think I heard somewhere that it was a different formula too. Something about Mexican Coke being in the glass bottles,” I pondered. I didn’t know the accuracy of that statement but I think I remember it from Reddit or somewhere. 

“Well, I don’t know about that, I just think the glass bottles make the pop taste better. There’s also this nostalgic vibe to glass bottles that makes me feel fancy.”

“That’s what I’m saying! And you, fancy? Pffft, as if,” I tossed my hand in a dismissive gesture, trying to joke like we’d known each other for longer than we have. 

“Ha. You’re funny. I like you already. Was expecting to have another Leah on our hands but you seem chill already,” she said. I was making a good impression! It was going well, plus, Sam was really cool. Cool in the way someone was actually cool. Though she did leave me a little confused with her comparison of me to Leah. 

“What do you mean by another Leah?” I said as our laughter died down. 

“Shy and anxious, though I guess she could tell you that herself,” she responded. 

“Yeah. I was worried I’d be really anxious, and I was, and still am, but really I’m just happy to talk to people again. It’s been a while since I’ve hung out with someone like this, so I’ve been pretty excited all in all.”

“That’s good. I hope you keep this energy up when the other two get here. I remember you said something about one-on-ones being easier, but now that we’ve broken the ice that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Unless Leah is that much of a distraction. She’s pretty easy on the eyes these days,” she said as she winked at me. 

“Oh! Uh, no, that, uh, that shouldn’t be a problem. I wouldn’t, uh, you don’t have to worry,” I stuttered. She really caught me off guard with that, and suddenly she burst out laughing. 

“I’m just teasing, it’s okay,” and continued laughing. 

Interrupting her laughter was the honk of a car horn, which caused me to jump a bit, and Sam to get a hold of herself. 

“Ah! That must be them! Don’t get too flustered now,” she teased as she continued chuckling. I just stayed in place putting a half smile on as I tried to get my bearings to see Julia and to meet Leah. 

Sam got the door before they even knocked, and Julia came through and gave Sam a hug. Sam looked playfully disgusted and they shared greetings, before an unfamiliar voice was heard from outside. 

“Really, Jules? You’re not going to help carry the bags at all?” She sounded annoyed but playful. The way friends do when they’re pretending to be mad at you with a full smile on their face. 

“But I hadn’t seen Sam since last week! How am I supposed to live without a hug‽” She dramatically posed with her hand on her forehead as if she was dying. Julia’s always coming through with the theatrics. 

“Boo hoo, where’s my hug,” the unfamiliar voice said again. 

“Right here you big baby,” Julia then rushed outside. I couldn’t see but from the surprised yelp I heard I could only assume she probably rushed the unfamiliar voice with a hug of her own. 

“Okay, okay you two. Calm down. Lemme take those,” Sam finally interjected, stepping outside and returning with the bags Leah must have been carrying, “Oh, and by the way, your friend is here,” she added once she got back in the house  

After Sam two more people came through the door. First was Julia with a smile on her face, happy as ever to see her friends, and me as well. 

Second was a tall redhead who I could only assume to be Leah. Sam wasn’t wrong, she was definitely really pretty. Long red curls, a big letterman jacket with a cute sweater to match, and leggings to finish it off. It was the kind of pretty that made me wonder, what if, you know. Like, could I be that comfortable in myself? I didn’t need to be her, I could be anybody, really, but she just looked like someone that was comfortable with herself, and I wanted that. I can definitely see why Julia talked about her the way she did. 

It was a little intimidating, to be honest. I made myself a little smaller on the couch I was sitting on. I didn’t want to interrupt the moment the three of them were having, but I didn’t want to be rude either so I stayed put, but sent a little wave and made my presence known. 

“Uh, hi!” I said, meekly. I had already started feeling a little more anxious from when Sam and I were just one on one, but I hoped that would go away again once Leah and I broke the ice. 

“Hey!” She turned to me, seeming a little surprised. I guess she wasn’t expecting a person she hadn’t met before to be sitting on Sam’s couch, “You’re Jeremy, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” I gave a little smile that she returned, “Don’t go too hard on me for the name though,” I joked a bit to try and calm my nerves. 

She didn’t seem to understand the joke though, since she turned her head and looked at me in confusion. 

“Oh, I just, uh, people would make fun of me for the name and I tried to make a joke about it,” I awkwardly tried to explain, rubbing my arm and looking away. 

“Hey, no worries. People are more than their name,” she said, which drew a smile from her and the crowd, “‘sides, no one here is gonna bully you for that. It’s nice to meet you,” she smiled again, at me this time. 

“It’s nice to meet you too.”

“Okay, hug time. Get over here,” Julia finally said as she started walking towards me. I got up and she gave me a warm embrace. I definitely was not a hugger, but it felt nice having a friend who was. She gave really good hugs, and it helped calm me down a bit from the anxiety of meeting the person who I was here to meet. 

“So,” Julia started, “have you been chatting with Sam?” She asked. 

“Yeah, she’s cool. We got along,” I responded

“Sam?” Julia yelled across the house.

“Yep! He’s a dork but I like him!” She yelled back.

“Well I’m glad to hear!” Julia said, beaming back at me. 

“Yeah it went really well actually, I wasn’t feeling all that nervous.”

“That makes me happy. Hopefully the game goes for Leah here, especially ‘cause she’s a dork like you,” she gives Leah a playful little push. 

“Hey!” Leah pushed back. 

“Don’t act like you aren’t!” 

“…fine,” Leah responded as she put her head down. It was only for a joke as she was clearly smiling. She lifted it back up and turned to me, “I’m sure we’ll get along great, especially if Sam’s right and you’re as much of a dork as I am.”

“Yeah, I’m excited,” I responded back. 

After our interaction, Sam had returned with bags of chips, dip and a bunch of other snacks she was casually carrying in some kind of circus balancing act. 

“Hey, why don’t y’all help me with these snacks and we can get started on our movie,” she stated. 

“Oh yes! The movie! I’m so excited!” Julia exclaimed as she grabbed a bag off of Sam’s stack and brought it over to the table. 

As that happened, Leah gave me a little nudge to get my attention, “I’m sure you know, but just in case Julia’s taste in movies is a little wacky. She always shows us some really weird or really intense movie about god knows what,” she giggled as she informed me. 

“I had some kind of idea,” I responded back, “I haven’t watched much of her recommendations, but those that I did have always been a trip.”

“Yeah, they’re usually good, if a little weird.”

“Yeah, I’m excited either way. Do you know what she picked for us?” I asked, which Julia seemed to overhear. 

“Nope!” She interjected, “This one is a surprise. We’re watching Synecdoche, New York,” she said, smiling like she was hiding something from us. 

“Okay, doesn’t sound too bad. I’m in.”

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