Chapter 9: 8-The Daily Life of the Immortal Peasant

Ah, gotta love cozy, old-time, small villages! Open fields, fresh air, forcibly-organic crops, the occasional famine because there’s no fertilizer, or other chemicals to keep said crops from getting screwed whenever nature decides to throw one of its multiple tantrums... It almost makes me feel nostalgic! Throw into the mix a bunch of inbred jaws, and a handful of people who aren’t even half as smart as the looks would suggest, and, truly, you’ve got yourself a small parcel of heaven on Earth! Or on Zabal, I guess. Whatever.

Oh I know, I know! Do I sound bitter? Well, that’s because I am!

Why, I hear?

Now, for a change, that’s a question that’s easy enough to answer!

As it turns out, today, just a few days after my third birthday, Munok and Lina brilliantly decided it was time I finally met the crew! My boys, so speak. Granted, that would usually not have been much of a problem; even though interacting with kids when I’m physically around their age can be a bit of a chore, I do like them just about as much as anyone else. Unfortunately, though, sometimes kids don’t reciprocate. As I’ve just come to learn, this particular life of mine happens to be one of those times.

In retrospect, I guess it should not have come as much of a surprise. First of all, Munok, my father, is an outsider to the village, so the locals probably don’t trust him all that much. Nor, by extension, me. On top of that, Lina happens to be the most beautiful woman in the village’s collective memory, at least according to Grisella, so I surmise her marriage left a lot of broken hearts in its wake, and enough resentment to overflow into the next generations. And, finally, for the sake of convenience, Grisella, who is some sort of local celebrity/authority, has long since publicly announced my ‘apprenticeship’.

Since, unlike the idealized version of childhood that some amnesiac people seem to have, children aren’t really any better than adults when it comes to the most negatives aspect of the human psyche -like, say, pettiness and jealousy-, my particular situation has thus garnered me about as much goodwill with the local little demon-spawns as one may come to expect. Which is to say, none at all.

Considering that even the youngest among ‘the boys’ is at least a couple of years older than my body, the entire thing’s proven to be a recipe for disaster.

On that note...

”I know we’re all having fun here, but may I kindly suggest you stop sitting on me? It’s getting kinda uncomfo- offf!”

Damned brat, you hit like a little girl!

Then again, I guess that’s suitable for a little gi-

Damn!

Fuck you, stop it, you little shit! That one hurt!

Ah, Kasha, second cousin of mine, on Lina’s side obviously. A little bundle of joy and femininity, with just a touch of brutish sadism thrown in, and currently more than a head and a half taller than me. The joys of having loving relatives!

I swear to God, it’s not my fault genetics screwed you over and gave you weird hair!

Aye! For all of their similarities, ‘turns out humans ‘round ‘ere ain’t quite like those back home! Apparently, the Source, or whatever god there is, decided that the Earthling’s basic color palette wasn’t quite up to its tastes, so it started messing around a bit. Or was it the other way around?

Never mind. Whatever the case, pink hair is a thing here. And I’m not talking about a slightly reddish blonde, but full-on bubble-gum pink! Incidentally, there’s salad green too. Because, of course people ought to look like their heads can pull off photosynthesis!

“Kasha, I think we should stop, we may get in trouble...” A high-pitched voice tried to be the voice of reason and, surprisingly enough, found partial agreement in the crowd.

Damn right, you tell her, lettuce-haired boy! You little shits are signing-in for a LOT of trouble!

...At least as soon as you grow old enough that the idea of payback doesn’t make me feel like I’m being too much of an asshole!

I mean, what was I supposed to do? Try and beat up a handful of six-year-olds? Scream for help like a little bitch, because I’m being beaten up by a handful of six-year-olds? It’s all a trap! An unsolvable conundrum imposed on me by fate! I do have my manly pride, and even back in the Legio, we looked down on snitches! Never mind that I bet Grisella, the petty old harpy that she is, would never let me hear the end of it if I did!

“Nah, we’re just ‘getting to know each other’, right cousin Abry?”

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Kasha, it seemed, had unfortunately never heard of reason, nor did she care to learn of it.

Man, this is going to be a long day...

”..Could you please stop cackling and get to the part where you actually are of any help?”

Grisella, that dastardly witch, was of course bent over, laughing so hard her eyes were tearing up. And who could blame her? Well, me, for one. The situation could be seen as hilarious, granted, but it was, just as much, inconvenient.

I had tried enduring the bullying for a while -not a long while, mind you, but I’d been willing to give it a couple of weeks-, in hopes that it would eventually relent. Sadly it didn’t. Not really, anyway. Worse yet, Munok and Lina were both dead set on getting me integrated into the community, and seemed to think that it was all just some healthy childish roughhousing. So, there was no way they would let me enter voluntary ostracism. I couldn’t even really blame them.

Small communities are all about that, ‘community’, and people born in them often lack any other lens to look at reality. Hell, there’s a reason why, in most societies I was ever born in, exile used to be considered as severe of a punishment as death or, sometimes, even worse than it!

Why, in my humble experience, it even holds true! For example, not having people able to vouch for you is a surefire way to end up killed when the unavoidable catastrophe strikes up, and everyone decides that it’s probably the fault of that one weird gloomy guy, who’s likely been consorting with demons since childhood!

“Oh, how the mighty have fallen!” Grisella finally managed to rasp out, her stomach still visibly convulsing under her loose robes. “Worry not, my tiny friend, even if your heinous foes were to go a bit overboard and inflict lasting damage, I should still be able to fix you!”

Having expressed her dubious support, the witch once again exploded in laughter. I could only glare at her, and perhaps visualize her choking to death.

Yeah right, and who the fuck is going to heal my soul!

“Alright, alright,” Eventually, the harpy got her fit of hysteria under control, even if she was still a bit winded. “Since asking for my help here probably has you dying inside, I’m willing to lend you a hand.” She stated, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “But, I believe me putting in a word with their parents might even prove counterproductive, and I’m not willing to directly chastise the brats. I do have an image to keep too!” Her eyes were positively shining with amusement. “...Should we stage a bit of danger and let you come in as the saving landknight?”

“What?” I gave her a disbelieving look. ”No way! What ‘danger’ could I possibly stave!? Magic-wise, you and I both know well I’m still limited to juggling shiny balls! And sure, I do know my way around weapons, but I’m three! Look at these arms, this body’s still useless! I could maybe handle a cat, if it’s not a particularly big on-”

Again, the witch exploded in a peal of laughter.

Again, I just silently glared until the fit relented. Then, I sighed. “...Got it out of your system?”

“Ah! Sorry, sorry,” Despite her words, Grisella definitely didn’t look particularly apologetic in my eyes. “Then, what would you have me do?”

“Well,” I sheepishly grinned. “maybe just let me come live with you? At least for a while. The kids should forget about me if I don’t show up for a couple of months. Plus, I gather constantly being exposed to your aura might stimulate my memories...”

The witch frowned, pondering for a moment, before regarding me with a raised eyebrow. “Not saying I agree, but how would you convince Lina and Munok to let their son, who may I remind you is supposedly still three, leave the house?”

My grin widened.

Hook, line, and sinker!

“How about you just tell them my magic’s somewhat precocious and I’m reaching some sort of breaking point a bit too early, so I need constant supervision for a while?” I shrugged. “I don’t know, girl, aren’t you the witch? I bet you can come up with some bogus of your own!"

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