Chapter 54: Fear and Insecurity

    After clambering over to straddle Brian’s lap, Emily remained latched in a fierce hug, pressing herself up against his chest with her legs wrapped around him. With the lower portions of her cosplay torn away, the petite Latina could feel the meaty plinth of his erect dick rising up behind her to nestle perfectly in between her butt cheeks. It was extremely distracting, and her splayed-open sex was flushed and practically salivating a warm, syrupy trail of arousal down across his rugged lower abdominals. The nectar trailed down beneath her all the way back to the thick root of that massive penis of his.

    On the nearby easy chair, Stephanie was likewise situated in Kelly’s lap, and Emily could see that the two girls were necking and enthusiastically pawing at each other like horny teenagers. The wet sounds of their kissing was broken only by stifled gasps, muted whispers, and occasional soft moans of approval. This surprisingly sapphic display of passion was more than a little interesting, but Emily turned her head, trying not to watch.

    “Emmie?” Brian asked in a low, sexy murmur. “You okay?”

    “Yeah, I just… yeah,” Emily let out a slow breath, feeling overwhelmed. “Just. Gimme a minute.”

    Brian—you made me cum. I just ORGASMED all over your face, dude. Surf and spray still crashed across Emily’s mind in brilliant sparkling blues—she couldn’t be any more turned on—and these were only her feelings above the waterline. Just beneath the surface, an unstoppable tide of deeper emotions was stirring.

    Crossed fucking OCEANS of bullshit to be with you, Emily thought, deciding to continue to slowly pucker her lips in a languid line of moist affection across Brian’s neck. With so many mistakes, misadventures—so many stupid fuckups and shipwrecks along the way. Now, finally, FINALLY—we can be together... right?

    When she’d presented herself to him earlier with that teasing wriggle, eagerly offering it all up, she never anticipated he’d respond in any other way than just sticking it in. Instead, Brian actually chose to lean in down behind her and... go down on her first. She’d felt both shocked and honestly overwhelmed being thoroughly pleasured with his tongue—it wasn’t anything along the lines of what she’d fantasized about. Emily had been mentally steeling herself for direct penetration, bracing to receive a hard pounding. Instead, the surprise cunnilingus felt so much more intensely personal that her heart wasn’t prepared at all.

    For so many years, she’d built this up in her head as her big moment. Any expression of attraction Brian had for her was all the validation she’d ever fantasized about. Sex was expected, and anything more their first time seemed... unlikely, unrealistic, more than she’d dare to hope for. Over time, how the big moment was supposed to play out had somehow become an established mindset. This was totally outside the scope of what she’d planned.

    It was better.

    As she rolled her old expectations over again in the sway and swash of her mind now... closely examining it, they didn’t measure up to reality at all. Brian hadn’t shied away from spreading her thighs and then planting his face right up into her private parts—he’d actually been pretty enthusiastic about it. Making out with her muff, pushing his tongue deep inside her to sensuously explore her every nook and cranny, working her over with powerful strokes, appreciating and adoring every soaked pink fold of pussy ‘til it felt like she was melting, until her futilely kicking legs finally gave out from under her.

    The experience exceeded anything Emily had ever dreamt up on her own. When she masturbated alone, she had to work at it, work up to it, tense her body and diddle herself up towards a certain frenzied crest. This wasn’t the case at all with Brian licking and lapping and slurping away at her. Instead, her pelvic muscles had stiffened up in resistance beneath the onslaught of slick sensation—as if her body thought she could ride it out. Past a certain point, however, she couldn’t clench up anymore to possibly withstand it—and Brian just kept going. And going.

    It had felt like her lower half was steadfastly sinking into a pool of pure pleasure, and Brian had that fluid blue feeling fully enveloping her, flooding her trembling body and drowning her in sensations she was completely helpless against. Orgasm had borne down on her with a thrilling inevitability, culminating in that sweeping tsunami so huge and unstoppable that her feeble attempts to withstand it were laughably useless.

    That was… so fucking incredible. Didn’t even know it was possible to cum like that, Emily thought, squirming in Brian’s lap as she absent-mindledly suckled just below his earlobe. She was so wet it felt like it was getting everywhere, and it felt like they were both now messy all over with the musky lubrication of her excitement. Should probably feel worried. That it’s weird or too much, but… instead he made me feel accepted? Encouraged? Made me feel completely loved, every little bit of me. Oh, Briannn… you can’t do that to me.

    “Sorry ‘bout ripping your costume,” Brian told her, somehow managing to sound not even a little bit sorry.

    “That... was so fuckin’ hot,” Emily confided with a small smile, snuggling in even closer. “You realize I wore that for you, right?”

    “The fishnet?” He asked, stroking a hand down her butt. “Nuh-uh—you wore netting beneath last year, too.”

    “No, no—every year, the whole Akane Kurokawa thing, stupid,” Emily smirked. “Don’t you remember? Way back when, when we were at very first talking about adult stuff in anime? How she kinda like, represented somethin’ to you?”

    “Ho-ly fuck,” Brian jerked in surprise. “No way do you remember me saying that. Emily, that was like… forever ago.”

    “Yes way, idiot,” Emily tried to put on a playful pout, but a disarming grin kept bubbling up past it and winning out. “Idiot, baka, stupid moron! Would’ve done a bit of chest binding and went for a Sousuke Salladin cosplay if it was just for me. Wasn’t it all kinda... super obvious? Like, why else would I go for an Akane cosplay? Doesn’t ‘xactly fit my body type, y’know?”

    “Literally nobody would’ve ever connected that,” Brian laughed. “Or ever guessed that Emily, the little hottie, would have even had a thing for me.”

    “Emily, the little hottie?” Emily repeated, squeezing her arms tighter around him.

    “Yeah. Emily—I’ve called you a little hottie before.”

    “You have, buuut, that was back when we were just friends,” Emily said. “So... basically, it always counted as being said in like, a joking way.”

    She gleefully continued nibbling her lips across Brian’s bare throat in a teasing trail of not-so-soft smooches—fuck, I wanna LEAVE MARKS, hickies, bruises—and then played her tongue back along over her indiscretions in soothing apology. Having her mouth always on him like this was... comforting. It was a certain stage of naked intimacy she’d been craving for years. Now that she’d finally gotten her taste of this, she was reluctant to ever relinquish it—how could she ever let go?

    Fuuuck. Yeah, I could get used to this.

    “Then how’s it feel when I call you a little hottie, now?” Brian teased.

    “I… don’t know yet for sure, I guess,” she found herself pausing, hesitant to reveal her uncertainties. “Um. Why didn’t ya just jam it in? Still kinda surprised, I thought for sure you would. I’m, uh, gettin’ all anxious all over again. You’ve gotta realize, the plan was to just wiggle my butt for you and say hop in, bro! I’ve been holding in that joke for years, so now it’s like, I missed out on getting my punchline, or somethin’?”

    “Pffft,” Brian had to turn away, shaking with laughter for a few moments while Emily held onto him with an expectant smile. “Jesus. ‘Hop in, bro?’ You had years, and that’s the line you stuck with?”

    “Worked, didn’t it?” Emily hugged him tight, nuzzling her face against his shoulder in satisfaction. “Made ya laugh.”

    “It’s definitely the most… Emily thing you could’ve ever said,” Brian agreed, squeezing his arms tight around her.

    “Thanks!” Emily mumbled in embarrassment. “Oh, and I’ve gotta say—the tonguing was choice, dude. Annnd, I’m gonna leave you a great review and all—five stars, two enthusiastic thumbs up! Buuut. Why didn’t you just… uh. You know. Do me. Is it weird? Is it still... weird, because it’s you and me?”

    “What, why didn’t I fuck you ‘til you were making ahegao faces and victory signs with your fingers?” Brian laughed.

    “Exactly! Cross-eyed, mouth open! Tongue out! It’s not rape if her pupils turn into little hearts!” Emily snorted. “Ask any lawyer. But, uh, yeah. That. Stickin’ it in.”

    “Emmie...” Brian chuckled. “Did you want me to like, show you my honest feelings? Or, d’you just want me to be real rough this first time? I’m startin’ to think your, uh, fantasy version of me isn’t real romantic.”

    “No no no!” Emily slapped his back. “I don’t mean it like that. I just… I dunno. Romantic? With me? It’s just—it’s weird? You and me, we’re like this. This is us, the way we are with each other. We can joke around, and be whatever, and it’s not serious, it’s like—comfy. It’s us. S’hard for me to picture you treating me any different?”

    “But you can picture me just ravishing you, using you for nothing but my own gratification?” Brian asked in mock-indignation. “Wow.”

    “Yes?” Emily blushed furiously. “I mean, no? I dunno?! I guess I did kinda picture things kinda like that. Um, yeah, a lot…”

    “It’s like you’re hung up right there,” Brian laughed. “Stuck somewhere between knowing me better than anyone else in the world, and not really knowing me at all.”

    “Hey!” Emily frowned, feeling herself start to tense up. That cheery, confident exuberance she was trying to project was wavering, beginning to collapse and retract back into herself. “I mean… Brian—hey. C’mon, seriously? Kinda... like, not a cool thing to say to me.”

    Fuck... was he actually just humoring me with the oral? Emily furrowed her brow, scrunching her eyes shut. Even now, when practically floating with joy and relief and basking in the contented warmth of this whole experience... all of those lifelong insecurities persisted. They still tried to justify themselves, still stubbornly clung to the flotsam jagged debris of her past stupid shipwrecks. Is this all… not how I think it is? Goddamnit, bad-brains. Please don’t do this to me right now. Don’t fuckin’ ruin this, too.

    She swallowed uneasily.

    Jesus, Emily. What the fuck, get it together. This was… it’s probably fine. Right? Probably. Don’t blow it all overthinking things. S’all in your head. This is just… you know, just the madness and delirium of bein’ lost out at sea for too long, Emily thought miserably, hiding her face in against Brian’s shoulder again. Sooo, either landfall’s REALLY in sight this time, or this is just another mirage—like that night after homecoming.

    “Emily—can I just be brutally honest with you?” Brian asked, regarding her with a serious expression.

    “Um,” In Brian’s lap, Emily felt herself go very, very still. “Yeah? I dunno, probably? Can you?”

    “Most of my Emily fantasies revolved around making you… I dunno, making realize how perfect you are,” Brian revealed. “Like, magically filling you with confidence, making you believe, really believe how much I care about you, how much you mean to me. I mean, rather than going all crazy with lust and attacking you, I’ve really always wanted to… well. Romance you, worship every inch of your body—force you to accept that, um. That you don’t have anything to be afraid of—and not leave any fucking tiny space for you to doubt anything. Emily, I love you. But, it’s like… you’re not ready for that.”

    “What?!” Emily retorted in mock indignation, quickly blinking away hot tears.

    Not ready? Inwardly, she was reeling so hard it felt like she was going to be sick. What went wrong, what—how did I fuck this up?

    “Wh-whaddya mean, not ready?” Emily soldiered on, shoving her terror and despair deep down into herself. “Brian—don’t know if you can tell from the slime trail I’m rubbin’ all over you, but I’m like, gushing down there. Hello? Doesn’t get any readier’n this, bro. The birth cannon is primed and ready for, ah, for inserting artillery ammunition.”

    “Birth cannon? Wow,” Kelly broke away from kissing her way down Stephanie’s chest to interject. “That one’s new to me.”

    “Thank you, Kelly,” Emily said through her teeth.

    “Emily, you’re not making a great case for yourself,” Brian countered with a nervous laugh. “I meant—mentally, you’re not ready. I don’t mean ready for sex, uh, necessarily. I mean, ready to accept the way I feel about you.”

    “We just talked and talked and talked,” Emily growled in frustration, trying hard not to sound petulant. “And—I said I was ready. All of that like, worked some stuff out. So, yeah, I wasn’t ready, but then now I totally am, now. I’m completely ready. Completely.”

    “What, you think I can’t tell when you’re lying?” Brian gave her a look.

    “I’m not fuckin’ lying to you!” Emily exclaimed quickly, a slight tremble appearing in her voice.

    “You aren’t lying to me,” Brian said softly. “Just yourself. I know you, Emmie. We’re makin’ progress and peelin’ back layers, yeah, but… this still isn’t you. The real you is still... walling herself off deep down there.”

    “I-it is not!” Emily flustered. “This is the for real real me. I’m completely, totally fuckin’ ready for this.”

    “Then, why are you shaking?”

    “I’m not! You’re shaking! And, uh, even if I was, s’only ‘cause I’m just so fucking damn turned on! Not ‘cause I’m not ready.”

    “It’s… no, this is important to me,” Brian frowned. “Not real comfortable having it like this. Wouldn’t it be kinda... putting the cart before the horse?”

    “What are you even on about, and what the hell kind of old man saying is that?” Emily sniffled. “What does that even—wait, are you calling me a horse?!”

    “What? No,” Brian chuckled. “Calling you the cart, duh. Are you getting everything all switched around all on purpose?”

    “I really don’t see what horse-carts have to do with any of this!”

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    “Guuuuys,” Kelly interrupted again in aggravation. “Stop. Just… just, stop. What are you two bickering about now?”

    “Brian... feels like she’s not really ready,” Stephanie spoke up, attempting to mediate. “Or, or like Emily wants to, but for the wrong reasons?”

    “Not your call to make, Brian,” Kelly gave him a pointed look. “You need to let Emily make Emily decisions.”

    Can’t you broads just go back to sucking face?! Emily thought in embarrassment, feeling her ears burn as a blush traveled down her face and neck. Or, or—whatever it is you were getting up to? Do ya both GOTTA be listening in? Brian and I don’t need advice from the peanut gallery right now!

    “I get what you’re saying, but...” Brian frowned in an apparent struggle to articulate his thoughts. “Stopping Emily from making Emily decisions has practically defined our friendship. Also, it’s like, hell—I’m a part of this, don’t I get a say?”

    “Brian, you’re not an Emily decision!” Emily blurted out, already conceding the fact that Emily decision historically meant stupid ideas and hilarious fuck-ups. “You’re a smart decision. You’re like, the smart decision. You’re—Brian, I love you. Can we do this? Please?”

    “Emily—you’re not gonna fix your self-esteem issues and build up confidence by fucking Brian,” Kelly said. “Bad precedent to set, and once you start associating your worth with sex like that, it sets you down a path that doesn’t go anywhere you wanna be. Trust me.”

    “What, speaking from experience?” Emily scowled. She hadn’t intended to snap at her, but the subject matter really was making her that uncomfortable. Whose side are you even on?!

    “...In part, yes,” Kelly replied in a slow, careful voice, glancing down. “Listen, despite whatever you all think of me, I don’t consider myself a slut. But, I’ve absolutely known girls who were—and those were the reasons why.”

    “I don’t think you’re a slut, Kelly,” Brian protested.

    “Yeah, you do,” Kelly sighed and quirked a weak smile at him. “And, Brian—you need to just dick Emily and get this all over with.”

    “Wait, wait,” Brian let out an uneasy laugh. “Why is it... kinda like your advice for us doesn’t match up?”

    “Yeah, we s’posed to bang, or not?” Emily made a face.

    “I don’t got a perfect answer for you, sorry,” Kelly shrugged. “You two both have problems, but they’re not the same problem. Tryin’ to compromise just mucks things up, ‘cause then you’re getting your contexts confused.”

    “W-wait, what about me?” Stephanie interjected, pointing at herself. “Aren’t I... just like Emily? Are you saying I shouldn’t be, um… intimate with Brian?”

    “Nah, you’re practically opposites?” Kelly explained, glancing from pink-haired girl to blue. “You’re more social anxiety than self-esteem. Emily socializes super easily, but has the really shitty self-image.”

    “Hey!” Emily protested uneasily. “Geez. It… it’s not that bad.”

    “Wait, Kelly,” Brian quirked a puzzled eyebrow. “I thought sex wasn’t a big deal to you at all?”

    “Actually,” Emily bristled. “Can... everyone just butt outta my personal stuff completely?”

    “Sex isn’t a big deal,” Kelly ignored her, blowing an errant strand of red hair out of her face with a puff of her lip as she shifted Stephanie in her lap. “But, seems like her reasoning kinda is? Normally wouldn’t even care, because whatever, not my business—but Brian, if I’m your girlfriend now, if we’re all gonna be your girlfriends together, I’m not gonna let shit like this slide. This is my business, now. Right?”

    “I… yeah, okay,” Brian nodded.

    “Brian’s reasons for holding back are fundamentally dishonest—already been through that with him today,” Kelly rolled her eyes. “Emily, you’re probably not ready—you’re just... feeling pressured into this. By your new circumstances with Brian, by the Chloe situation, and especially by Steph and I being here. You feel this obligation to prove yourself, put yourself in our standing. Same as Stephanie all needing to go confront Chloe, even when I told her what a fuckin’ bad idea it was.”

    “I wasn’t—it wasn’t like that, exactly,” Stephanie weakly tried to defend herself. “And, um, what about what you said before? How... you were thinking that, uh, people who don’t know how to swim should just jump in the water, to get it over with?”

    “Quit tryin’ to apply any of what I said before to any o’ this,” Kelly waved a dismissive hand. “You two aren’t the same, and I wouldn’t give you the same advice. Steph, you need to jump in the water and learn to swim, but it’s not for everyone, okay? You’re practically a blank slate—someone jumps in the water saddled with enough baggage, they will actually fucking drown.”

    “I’m not gonna drown!” Emily scoffed. “Geez.”

    “S’not what I heard,” Kelly said, giving Emily a meaningful look. “Word around here is that you’re all splishy-splash with your blue stuff, like, drowning deep in it. That might mean something, you know?”

    “You don’t—we don’t talk about that!” Emily glared, unable to stifle how nervous this was all making her. “And—nobody knows what any of that actually means yet.”

    “Steph knows,” Kelly argued. “I trust her judgement when it comes to that stuff.”

    “Um—” Stephanie bit her lip. “I don’t know for sure? We probably… shouldn’t assume any metaphor is—”

    “Uh, you guys lost me at splishy-splash,” Brian admitted, looking at them with interest. “What does—”

    “We don’t talk about that!” Emily insisted. “It’s a um, it’s a girl thing, alright? It’s stupid. Don’t ask. It’s all—it’s whatever. I really don’t even care if my reasons make me a slut. I want to be Brian’s slut. How is that even a problem?”

    “But, does Brian want a slut?” Kelly countered. “Or, does he want his Emily?”

    “Fuck his Emily—” Emily began to retort.

    “Hey—” Brian’s stern warning cut her off, and there was actually anger apparent in his voice. “Whoa. Stop.”

    Emily lowered her gaze, unable to bring her teary eyes up to meet his. She felt—she didn’t know how she felt. At all. The blue was rippling back and forth in a way that was making her dizzy, and the depths of her psyche were stirred up in a way that made her feel sick. She was feeling manic, worked up like she wanted to fight all of them, and the hot stream of her temper was saturating waters she preferred to keep cold and still. They didn’t understand, they’d never understand—but she needed them to understand!

    “Emily, you—”

    “It’s scary, okay?!” Emily sobbed.

    Her carefully composed everything felt like it was slipping through her fingers and spilling away to completely empty herself out. Like the measured level she’d built up by sinking all of her real issues as deep as humanly possible was pouring everywhere, and her ability to keep up the spunky best friend facade was now dropping precipitously.

    “Y-you’re this, this amazing thing, and I’ll always just be Emily. I’ll never be beautiful, I’m not really sexy—I’m never gonna look like Mom. Never gonna have great tits, never gonna be all, I dunno, cute and innocent like Steph. Or actually cool like Kelly. I’m just, I’m this, and it’s not enough and it’ll never feel like enough. I want you, I’ve always wanted you, I want you so bad, but, but I want you forever, and one day you’re gonna be like, okay, Emily isn’t enough for me in this and this and this way, and—it’s gonna break me. I’m not gonna be able to, I, um, I can’t—”

    She was forced to gasp for breath after stammering out so much all at once, and her throat was closing up with sobs.

    “I’ll—I’ll get over it and feel better if you just fuck me, alright? I don’t wanna think about things, an’, I don’t wanna worry about things, I just want us to be horny and do it and get past this so that everything can be fine. Okay?!

    Brian bonked his forehead into hers before she could continue, and she blinked open wet eyes at him in surprise.

    “Emily,” Brian said carefully, stroking his fingers down her back. “You’re so goddamned stupid, sometimes. I love you. I need you. You are attractive, and I’m incredibly eager to show you that, but I can’t ever think of you as just that. Like you said earlier— it’s me and you, Emily. It’s us. I’m gonna love you because you’re Emily, you’re my Emily, and you’ve always had my back. Because of all that we’ve been through together, because I trust you’re always looking out for me, and I know, without any doubt, that I’ll always look out for you.”

    “I could tell Brian’s head was in a bad place this weekend,” Kelly added. “From the breakup, and all. If all he’d done was mope around and pine for his ex... I wouldn’t have had much interest in him, to be honest. But, you and Steph like, lit up parts of him, made me see more.”

    “That was just Steph,” Emily sniffed. “Not me.”

    “Listen to us,” Stephanie pleaded. “Brian talked about you, all weekend! Not about Chloe—about you. You’re the reason he came here, you gave him the charm! You knew what Chloe was trying to pull on him, so you made sure he was here. Made sure he had a chance to get away from her, and be happy.”

    “Shu-shut up,” Emily managed out in a lame voice, trying not to choke up. “Shut up. You’re stupid.”

    “No, you’re stupid,” Brian shot back, holding her against his chest and stroking a hand through her hair. “Stupid tsundere girlfriend. I love you.”

    “Yeah? Well,” Emily sobbed, hiding her face, “I love you too.”

    She thought she caught Stephanie and Kelly exchanging glances through her blurry tears, and couldn’t help but hide her face, feeling totally mortified.

    “Sorry,” Brian said sheepishly, turning towards those other girls. “Not tryin’ to play favorites or anything between you all, I swear—just, this is how I feel.”

    “It’s fine,” Kelly said calmly. “I am jealous—but not in the way you’d think, I guess. Hah.”

    “I thought it was beautiful,” Stephanie breathed, sounding a little choked up herself. “Um— may I?”

    “Of course,” Brian nodded. “Always.”

    Before she had time to wonder what Brian was agreeing to, Emily felt the mattress shift as Stephanie joined them on the bed, and then the girl was wrapping both of them up in a tight hug. It felt... surprisingly good.

    “Okay, but when we’re done crying it all out, can we all kiss and make up?” Kelly asked, sounding playful. “I’m up for more action tonight, but so far it seems like Emily’s charm power is just magically giving Brian blue balls.”

    “Kelly, sshhh!” Stephanie admonished.

    “Charm power?” Brian asked.

    “It’s a—um,” Stephanie sputtered. “Kelly’s just being mean.”

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