Chapter Twenty Five
Catch You Throwing Smiles

Emily unexpectedly found himself with a free weekend. Jenna and Leah had gone to see what possible shopping could be done in Trewood, and while they’d invited their familiars, he had respectfully bowed out, claiming he didn’t feel so good. He didn’t want to feel weird or gross. It was clear they wanted to have a girl’s day out, and he felt like that was not a place for him to be. Not to mention the idea of them trying out outfits and the inevitable horror they’d feel when they’d realize he wasn’t one of them. 

So he stayed behind, although the feeling of missing out was pretty strong. He’d originally wanted to hang out with Simon a bit, but Ferret Boy had been putting off homework, and Emily wasn’t in the mood to sit next to him for the rest of the day. So he wandered around the little campus as a cat, even though he didn’t have to. He just really enjoyed the perspective of it. And, well, he did enjoy being small. 

There were kids playing around in the field behind the Wizard dormitories, playing a bit of soccer while it was still warm enough to do so (and it wasn’t raining). He considered asking if he could join, when he heard a noise he distinctly disliked. Someone was crying. Poking his nose around the building, there was a corner where someone could very easily curl up and not be spotted by most people. Emily worried for a moment it would be Dennis. The boy was clearly still worried a lot, after all, but this would be a strange place for him to hide. It wasn’t. 

To Emily’s surprise, the boy who had his arms wrapped around his legs and sobbing gently was Benjamin. His staff was set against the wall next to him. The two of them hadn’t interacted much without Simon or Jenna present, but, well… someone was crying. Running away felt like the wrong thing to do. He carefully pattered over on padded paws, and sat down in front of him. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. Benjamin’s head shot up with a startled look in his eyes, and quickly wiped the tears off his face. Emily hadn’t realized that he didn’t actually make any noise while walking until he was right in front of people, which had the possibility of making some people feel a bit uneasy. 

Benjamin nodded. “Y-Yeah,” he said, “I’m sorry, I’m okay, I promise. Don’t tell Simon.” Emily cocked his head in confusion. 

“I mean… I won’t if you don’t want me to,” he said, “but I don’t know what I’m not supposed to be telling him. Or why, for that matter. There’s a lot going on, Benjamin. I don’t think anyone’s going to blame you or mock you for being overwhelmed or something.” He sat a little closer. Emily figured he could turn back into human form to give the boy some more human support if he absolutely had to. He’d been comfortable as a cat, after all. However, when Benjamin reached over and started petting him, it dawned on him that sometimes, the closeness of a small animal could be just as helpful. 

“Th-that’s not it,” Benjamin said. “I… I just…” he started crying again, and Emily didn’t know how to properly respond. He put a paw on the boy’s knee, but he felt a little ineffectual doing just that. Maybe being a cat wasn’t enough after all. He was about to push himself through the change, when he heard a voice behind him. 

Jacob, sounding clearly worried, hurried over. “Ben, I’ve been looking for you, are you okay?” He turned to look at Emily, looking for an explanation. “Is he okay?”

“I don’t know,” Emily said. “He hasn’t told me.”

“I’m sorry,” Benjamin said. “I’ve just had a really rough day, and I needed some time alone, that’s all.” Emily shot Jacob a look. He had experience with ‘just needing some time’ followed by uncontrollable crying. It wasn’t a good experience.

Jacob sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “Is that really what’s up? I promise Emily and I won’t say anything to anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about.” To put a bit more power behind his words, Emily nodded vigorously. 

“Whatever you say stays between us.”

“I don’t… I don’t know…” Benjamin said. “It’s just… I don’t even know how to talk about this, and I’m worried that, if I do, I’m going to scare people away.” He grew a little smaller, wrapping his arms around himself. Jacob rubbed his back gently. “I’ve never really had a lot of friends…”

“Hey, me neither!” Emily said, a little more cheerfully than he may have intended. “I promise, whatever it is, it’s going to take a lot to scare me away!” 

“Me too,” Jacob said. “Hey, if it helps, why don’t I start?” Benjamin and Emily both looked at him with various degrees of confusion. “I’m scared too,” Jacob continued. “I’m one of the oldest kids here, and suddenly I’m responsible for Dennis, and I don’t know how to deal with a puppy with anxiety.” He took a deep breath. “But I also know that I’m not doing this alone, you know? The teachers here are there when we need them and, much more importantly—” he gave Benjamin a gentle tap on the shoulder, and put a hand on Emily’s head, “— I’ve got you guys. Like… all of you. Simon, Sarah, Jenna, at the end of the day, we’re all in this together. So no matter how scared I get, I take a deep breath and I know that you guys will be there for me too.”

Benjamin smiled a little bit. Good. Jacob seemed like he knew what he was doing, even when he was admitting that he didn’t. “Yeah,” Benjamin said, but the way he looked at Emily was a bit weird. “I just… I don’t… know if I should talk about this in front of Emily…” He looked a little sheepish. “Or if I should only talk about it in front of Emily and not in front of you.” He tried an apologetic smile at Jacob. 

“Why don’t you throw it out there, and we figure out what makes you most comf—”

“I’m gay,” Ben said, and he wrapped his arms around his knees again. The three of them sat in silence. Emily had no idea what to say or do, and clearly neither did Jacob. At least, Emily noticed, he didn’t pull his arm away from the other boy. He could tell that that was the worst thing to do. “I’m sorry,” Benjamin mumbled into his knees. 

“Don’t be,” Jacob said. “I’m the one who should apologize, actually.” Benjamin shot him a questioning glance. “Well, for one, for the fact that you feel like you couldn’t tell me right away,” Jacob said with a grin. “And also because I was quiet. I just don’t… uh… I want to make sure I say the right thing, you know.”

“You’re not going to tell Simon, are you?” Benjamin asked. Emily shook his head. 

“Not if you don’t want me to, Ben,” he said. “Is there a specific reason you don’t want him to know?” Emily asked, worried for a brief second that Simon had said something that would make Benjamin feel like he couldn’t be himself around the boy, although the blush on his face told him all he needed to know. “Ah.”

“It’s not just that,” Ben said quickly, “it’s also that he’s like, my familiar, and I don’t want to risk the fact that he might dislike me or something, and then we’d have to separate, and I don’t want that to happen because… because he’s… you know…” The blush got worse. “He’s a loudy and bouncy little ferret, but he’s my little ferret.”

“You’ve got it bad, huh?” Jacob asked. Benjamin hid his face against his knees with a groan, and ran his hands through his hair. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “I do. But I’m not making you… uncomfortable?” He peeked up and looked at both of them. Jacob and Emily both shook their heads no. Well, there was one thing he could maybe do. 

“I’m always uncomfortable,” Emily said, “but not with you.” That got a chuckle out of both of them. “But yeah… I know how hard that can be.” Two pairs of eyebrows went up. “Not literally the same thing, but… It’s hard not being who people expect you to be, and not knowing if they’ll accept you for who you really are, you know?” 

Benjamin nodded, and even Jacob seemed to agree. “There’s a lot of things that come with being the oldest boy in your group,” Jacob said. “I’m expected to be someone and I don’t always know if I can live up to that.” 

“It’s a little bit more than that,” Emily said. “Can… can you guys keep a secret?” More nodding. “I’m going to need promises from you both,” he said. “Like, cross your heart type of stuff, okay?”

Benjamin sniffled a bit and then held up a hand. “Swear on my mum,” he said. 

“I promise,” Jacob said, “that whatever you tell me I’ll take with me to my grave. And if you need help with anything, I promise I’ll do what I can too.” Benjamin looked at him with a crooked smile. “What? I like helping younger kids. Makes me feel useful.”

“Here goes,” Emily said, and he switched back to his human body. Jonathan again. He kept his eyes closed and tried not to think about what he looked like, how the other two saw him. As long as his eyes were closed, he could still be a Cat, in his head. 

“Huh,” Benjamin said. “Okay.”

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“So what’s the thing you wanted to tell us?” Jacob asked. Jonathan opened his eyes and frowned. Why were they pretending like this wasn’t nothing. That he was actually a boy was a pretty big deal. They’d been calling him Emily, after all. They should be horrified at the realization, at the revelation, of who he really was. 

“This isn’t funny,” he said. The two others looked at each other, and then at him. 

“What’s not funny? Is it the haircut? Because I think it looks good on you,” Benjamin said, and then his eyes went wide. “Wait, isn’t short hair… are you telling me you’re a lesbian?”

“I’m a whhh?” Jonathan stammered. He couldn’t think of any words that accurately conveyed his feeling of utter confusion. “Wh?!” he said, looking at Jacob, and held up a hand. “You’re messing with me,” he finally managed. 

“Promise I’m not,” Benjamin said. “If that’s not it, I don’t get it.”

“I’m a guy!” Jonathan said. “I mean… look at me!” He waved his hands in his own general direction. “Doesn’t that, like, bother you? Everyone thinks I’m a girl because my voice is so high-pitched when I’m a cat…” The more he talked, the clearer it became to him that his voice now was kind of higher-pitched too. “But I’m… really… not…” 

His voice trailed off. Jacob put a hand on his shoulder. “Are you telling us you really feel like a guy on the inside?” Jacob asked. “Because that’s totally okay. Do you not want us to call you Emily anymore? It might take me a minute to get the pronouns right, but I promise I’ll fight anyone wh—” Jonathan shook his head.

“No, that’s not what…” Jonathan rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’ve always been a guy, is what I’m trying to tell you.” He looked between Jacob and Benjamin, who both shot him confused looks.

“Yeah,” Benjamin said. “I know. Even if you haven’t been able to present that way on the outside, who you are is a guy. You’re one of us, man.”

“No,” Jonathan interrupted, rubbing his face. What was happening?! “No, I mean, I was… I’ve always been a guy but then when I turned into a cat I turned into a girl cat and now Jenna thinks I’m a girl but I’m not supposed to be but I don’t want her to find out because I really want to be her familiar Emily, and I’m worried she’s going to be scared if she finds out I’m just playing pretend.” He took a deep breath. “But I’m going to tell her at some point, when I’m ready. I just need to do that when I’m ready.”

“So you’re saying you’re not a girl,” Jacob said. 

“Yes!” Jonathan said. 

“But also when I bring up identifying as a guy, you seem to… panic?”

“Because I’m not a girl!” 

Jacob rubbed his face. “So when you turned back into a human just now, you didn’t expect to turn into… y’know…” He gave a kind of awkward nod. “A girl.”

“I didn’t turn into a girl,” Jonathan said, rolling his eyes. “If I had I would have noticed.”

“Yeah,” Benjamin said, “no, I don’t think you would have.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jonathan asked, getting a little testy. 

“Hold on,” Jacob said. “Let me try something.“ He touched his glasses, and frowned. In the air between them, something began to shimmer. “I’m still practicing, of course, but I should be able to…” Slowly but surely, the shimmer began to solidify. In the air, a mirror appeared, slowly less cloudy as the seconds ticked by. And Jonathan saw himself in it. Well, he saw someone. An androgynous-looking girl, who could have easily been his sister, with short, if messy hair, wearing his clothes. He looked down. There was definitely something there. Two somethings, that got in the way when he tried to look at the hands in his lap.

“Oh,” Jonathan said. “I think I might have some things to think about.”

“I think you do,” Jacob said as the mirror disappeared. “But I promise I won’t tell anyone.” Benjamin nodded, sniffing one more time. 

“Me too. Take all the time you need, okay?” he said. “It took me a long time to figure myself out too.”

“But I’m not like…” Jonathan started, but the voice that came out of his throat distracted him too much for him to finish that sentence in good faith. “Yeah,” he said. “I will.”

“And we’ll keep each other’s stuff a secret,” Jacob said. “Until we’re all ready?”

“Until we’re ready,” Jonathan and Benjamin agreed. 

“Do you want to play some football?” Jacob asked. 

“God, no,” Jonathan said, and the others laughed. “I think… I think I want to… be a cat for a bit and think things through without…” He looked down again. “Without anything to distract me.” He turned back. That was safer. Familiar territory. It made sense.

“Fair enough,” Jacob said. He stood up, and held a hand out to Benjamin. “Come on, let’s go see if your little ferret is in the mood to hang out.”

“I’m going to kill you,” Benjamin said with a jovial smile, but he looked serious after a second. “Thank you both. I mean that. Jacob, you’re… just… Thank you. And you too, Emily.”

“It’s nothing,” Emily meowed. “Thank you two for not being weird about me.”

“Emily,” Jacob said, “I just created a mirror using my glasses. Weird is normal.”