Chapter 5: Chapter 5- Padayon

AMILYN

 

The two who call themselves bagani leave, something about fetching us a ride home, and I am left all alone in the apartment.

 I stand in front of our happy wall, looking at the empty space where nana's used to occupy in the picture in front of me. This picture was taken when I lost both my front teeth at the same time. I was devastated, sure that they would never grow back and I would look like an incomplete reverse-rabbit all my life. Nana, as she always does, took it upon herself to cheer me up. She brought me outside to the park, we played games together, and she brought me ice cream. "Padayon," she told me. Continue, go on, a bad minute doesn't mean a bad day, a bad day doesn't mean a bad life, she told me. If you walk further, you're bound to find a beautiful sunset, a promising sunrise, an ending worth all the bad things, a beginning worth all the suffering. So go on, don't stop at where you feel it's worst. The brightest sunrises come after the darkest hours of dawn. Padayon, she said. 

We laughed, and at the end of the day, my missing two front teeth are forgotten, and I have a huge smile planted on my face. We posed just as sunset came. 

The picture captured the moment perfectly, us, in the moment, perfectly happy. It was a reminder that no matter how bad a day would get, there was always hope of cheering up before the day ends. Whenever I was down, nana would bring me to this picture and remind me that just as on that day, she would always be there to cheer me up. 

But now…

What now? She's gone. All the traces of her is gone. Her smiling face on the picture is gone, her hand resting on my shoulder is gone. What now? 

And now of all times, when I need her the most, when I am about to have my whole life uprooted and turned upside down. When some people come barging in to tell me I'm something I've never even heard of, destined to serve gods I didn't even know existed. Now, of all times, when I need her to remind me that everything will be alright, that things aren't as bad as they seem, that there's hope amid this bleak-looking future. Now, of all times, when I need her the most, she's not here. Even the picture that reminds me of our best times together is gone. What now?

Tears threaten to fall from my eyes again. I look up, forcing myself not to cry, forcing the tears to roll back up. It's no use crying now, she's gone…forever. That woman named Gabrielle said so, and somehow I believe her. I'm never gonna see nana again, she's not here to comfort me anymore. 

Why didn't she tell me earlier? Why didn't she at least prepare me for this moment? Why did she make me depend so much on her when she knew that she would one day leave me forever, and leave me at the edge of an unknown world?

I hate her for it….I hate her for leaving me…for leaving me clueless, leaving me hurting, leaving me alone. I hate her…and I miss her. It hasn't even been an hour since I last saw her but I already miss her so much, and the knowledge that I'll never see her again is crushing my heart. 

I close my eyes, trying my best to imagine her. Her warm smile, her comforting gaze, the home I feel in her touch. I visualize every wrinkle on her brown face, every gray strand of her hair, every word that ever came out of her thin lips. And I hurt even more. The memory of her hurts me, the fact that memories are all I have of her hurts me even more. 

Nana. What now?

Outside, thunder rumbles. Sheets of heavy rain crash against the walls of the apartment. The weather is agreeing with my breaking heart, mourning with me. Nana, what now? 

"Padayon."

I open my eyes abruptly, sure that I heard a voice…her voice. I look around. I'm alone.

Is it the wind? Is it my imagination? Is it just my wishful thinking? my desire to her again? Am I hearing things? Am I finally going insane?

A gust of wind enters the apartment, blowing through the closed window, ruffling the curtains. The wind chimes sing. A lullaby, a memory of a warm sunset, an image of a smile. The gust of wind reaches me, touching my cheeks softly. This doesn't feel part of the storm raging outside. This gust is soft, gentle, kind, comforting. It passes by me, engulfing me in a warm embrace. I didn't know winds could ever be warm, nor do I know them to ever give embraces. 

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I close my eyes again.

Padayon.

Her words. The only foreign words she ever said, the words that apparently mean to continue. Continue for the worthy sunset, a promising sunrise. A bad phase isn't the ending, the ending is never a bad phase. 

She always said that every time I'm down. Padayon. Rest if you must, but never quit. Always continue. 

Did she say that to prepare me for this eventuality? Did she actually prepare me for a life without her with a single word? If she did, will it be enough?

Nana, can I really go on without you?

Padayon. 

Nana, can I do this?

Padayon. 

I close my eyes again, visualizing her again. Nana…nana.

The last image I have of her, her last words. She said she was proud to have raised me.

The gust of wind passes by me again, softly caressing me. Comforting me. She said she was proud of me. Her last words to me…

No, her last words to me…the last word she said to me is…

Padayon. 

Tears fall from my closed eyes. And this time, I no longer put any effort into stopping them. I fall to my knees, sobbing my heart out. In pain, in acceptance, in defeat, in mourning, in understanding.

Nana…thank you…for everything.

And I will…I will continue.

Like that, I stayed, for God, or gods, know how long, crying.

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