Chapter 5: Chapter 5: Cold Hard Cash

This is still a noncanonical fanfiction to the Becoming Monsters series, by Ai Loves, setting used with permission. All canonical and mechanical errors are my own. The yarrb is the creation of FelisRandomis, used with permission. Banks are the invention of mercantilism, used without permission, so there!

Mr. Midnight, I blame you for the clown.

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Chapter 5: Cold Hard Cash

“Whitney, get a towel, wipe up, and sit on the couch. Lucy, get my Status binder, please!”

Neither argued, somehow. I was mostly blind, the option screen taking up the center of my vision. I could see them moving in my peripheral vision, could hear the sounds of two pairs of feet moving in very different directions with very different gaits. My wife’s footsteps ended first, a few paces off to my left. Our guest was moving more, though to be fair she had been fairly thoroughly glazed by me about a minute prior, there was a lot to wipe up.

“Lucy, write this down.” I conveyed the information quickly. The scratch of her pencil didn’t take long. After all, there wasn’t much to convey, even with the added note that Scan was picking up the information relevant to it. I could see the faint shimmers of both of their auras, Whitney’s noticeably weaker than in the hospital.

I looked towards where Whitney now sat. Everyone knew the look of someone gazing in their general direction but reading something inside their own eyes, but it served to make my point. “Whitney, you may have surmised that you have an important decision to make. Our previous conversation is on hold until this one is done, it cannot wait.” The last was said with a bit of force, I needed there to not be any distractions.

“Oh… kaaayyyyy…” she drew it out skeptically. “She’s not trying to kill me, so I assume this is serious.”

“You could say that. Here’s the deal, you have just been targeted by a sex-activated Class Ability which you didn’t give me a chance to explain. To the best of my knowledge, nobody else has ever acquired it, and since I just picked it up after our fight yesterday we are in uncharted waters.”

Lucy chimed in. “We know two things from its effects. It has a positive effect on Jay’s and the target’s Attributes, and it lets him pick up one of your abilities. Presumably, this would mean Regeneration. We have no idea if there’s anything else to it, or any drawbacks. We don’t even know if there’s a way to change your mind after the choice is made, it has only ever been used on me.”

“I have a choice in the matter? He’s the one with the status screen up.” 

“I do not make a habit of rash choices, and refuse to do this without consent. I’m not going to make it a condition of you staying here,” my wife made an undignified snort, that particular conversation was not done, “but the decision has to be made now, and if you say yes then I will need to talk to you about your ability and experiment with both it and my own.”

There was silence. I could not see their expressions, my wife was not close enough for me to touch, I couldn’t even use my abilities to gather information due to this infernal blue screen. It was maddening.

“Does that mean we…”

“Don’t even think about finishing that sentence until my husband is through with talking shop.”

Whitney sounded hopeful, which I took as a good sign. I was starting to get a headache, though, and only half of it was from Status. “You get the point. I need a decision and it cannot wait, I cannot exit the screen without a yes or no from you.”

There was another pause. “He can’t see you, say it out loud.”

“Yes, I accept.”

I nodded, selected it, and accepted. The screen cleared. Whitney wasn’t seated, as it turned out, but standing with the couch between her and Lucy. This time, I thought I had an idea of what to expect. Whitney’s muscles should enlarge and smooth, and mine with them. The energy hit me, and I could feel it. The world seemed to slow down a quarter-step as I felt my own muscles tighten and the familiar easing of my breathing from growing Health. I could see what I expected of her, those carved muscles growing a bit while somehow keeping their sleekness, her breathing deeper and more steady. 

However, that’s when things kept going. Her breasts raised and firmed, her hips and butt expanding slightly but retaining their fitness. Her surprised movements got smoother right with them. I looked sharply to my left, and saw as the power flowed into my wife. Her own muscles stood out more, the gains much more dramatic on her smaller frame. She lost some of her air of fatigue, too, the effort of the earlier magic easing off.

The shimmer of both of their Demonic natures persisted, but now something had changed. Almost unnoticeable, had I not been watching, but the aura patterns changed, just a hair. I couldn’t tell you what exactly it was, but it was a lot like hearing two musical notes ever so slightly out of tune. I shook my head. It was something that I would have to figure out. Pulling up my Status screen briefly, I confirmed things. I had gained mass along with the ability scores, and Regeneration had kicked my new Scorpion Venom off my ability list.

Both of the ladies in the room snapped back to reality around the same time. “Looks like I have a lot to write about in the notebook, Jay. Come to the bedroom and we can… chat.” Her tone of voice there was still sharp. Sharp enough to scare Jabberwocks in the area. “Whitney, if you step one inch into our bedroom without invitation, I’ll throw your flaming corpse through the wall next time. My husband seems to have promised you a place to stay for a bit, plan how you think you’re going to earn your keep. The bags I dropped have some clothes that should fit you.”

Lucy turned on her heel and walked off to our bedroom. I turned to face Whitney. “I know you had a Delver license. Tomorrow we will have to see about getting your IDs back, and contacting a lawyer about getting you reestablished. Good night.” I followed my wife.

I found her sitting on our bed, binder open, scratching out some notes. A bit more forcefully than was probably necessary, but I wasn’t about to point that out. She looked up as I entered, the glare thankfully not incinerating me on the spot. “You have two minutes to explain.”

Best make them count. “Got her, gave her the news, brought her home, showed her the apartment. Then she was nude, pinned me to the wall, and was blowing me. Actually shushed me when I tried to say something. She said she owes us and to consider that a down payment.”

“In our home?” Her expression was a combination of irritated and wounded. That was a line that had not been crossed before, we didn’t bring customers home.

“Would you prefer the hospital room? I wasn’t going to hide this, and it’s no different than any other feeding I’ve done on others. You know I’m yours, period, no matter who I might be spraying on. I married you. Not her.” Probably not the most eloquent words I’ve ever strung together, but they seemed to work. She calmed a bit, drawing a couple of shuddering breaths, then throwing herself into my arms from a seated start, with enough force that she almost knocked me over backwards.

“Jay, don’t ever make me worry I’m losing you again. I can’t live this life alone. Don’t make me.” Tears were flowing freely, from both of us.

“I can’t either, love. Nothing short of death will do it, and I have Regeneration now.” She smacked me on my arm. Not exactly lightly, but I kind of deserved it. “Alright, bad timing. Still. Tomorrow is another day, and one that we are still alive and together.”

She sighed. “I still hate this. Why can’t our little family be normal?”

“Normal went out the window five years ago. You can throw people across a room without touching them, I copy abilities from people, and we both have to have sex with others to stay alive and sane. We still make it work.”

Lucy looked up at me, eyebrows deliberately raised. “Yep, we do. You realize you’re sleeping in the chair tonight, right?”

“Kind of figured. It was that or the couch, and the couch is self-defeating right now.”

“He can be taught!” She walked back to the bed and flopped down onto it. “See you in the morning, love.” She closed her eyes. 

It was my turn to sigh. The evening could have gone much worse, but there would be more from it. At least we were okay. I hadn’t been joking when I said I couldn’t do it alone. I’d crumble without her, fast. With a click, I turned off the lights. With a few more creaks than I liked, I settled into our armchair, the one I liked to read in, and got my wings arranged comfortably. I’d take the occasional doghouse evenings if it meant I could keep our marriage together.

The morning came entirely too quickly, as it likes to do. Still, it did come. I had nothing hard-set for any particular time that day, but that didn’t mean it was going to be relaxing. Had to hit two different ID offices and find a lawyer, which promised to be its own struggle. As I stood, stretching, my wing joints popping like firecrackers after yesterday’s unaccustomed use, my phone sounded off with the wind chimes I favored for my actual text tone.

Apparently, no updates overnight.

Complications, of course, but I could deal with this one. I had been approved by the Office of Public Protection for a Tier Four payout, given that I had been woefully outclassed and jumped in instantly in the defense of children and noncombatants. Great, backhanded compliments, but that put an extra digit on the bounty from what it could have been. It was too large for direct deposit due to some arcane regulation, so I’d need to swing by to pick up the check and deposit it myself. Made a good excuse to deposit our buildup of Coin, too, but walking around town with that much on us made me nervous.

I glanced at the bedroom door, in the direction of the woman sleeping on a cot not far past it. A third person in the group would deter casual thieves. Lucy wouldn’t like it, but facts were facts. This apartment wasn’t exactly the greatest and we had dealt with thieves before, things had just been too busy lately to properly deal with mundane things. 

Lucy stirred, possibly from hearing my stretches and my phone’s chimes. She was, at least, willing to get a hug this morning, and went to the shower as I meandered over to the kitchen to start up the coffee.

This is how I discovered two things. First, Whitney liked to get up early to stretch and do some exercises. Second, that she slept nude. 

“Good morning. Please, for the love of whomever you worship, get some clothes on in the next minute, before Lucy gets out here.” I shuffled over to start up the coffee. “Do you do caffeine?”

“Yes, please. You know how hard a good cup is to find in SoCal?”

“Welcome to Seattle. Now that more than half the BuckStars closed, we only have one every block or so.” I know much of the world decided that raw milk was the way to go in the mornings. Neither my wife nor I were among that number, and our evenings studying at the coffee shop had just transmuted to mornings planning the day out. Even remembered to make three cups instead of two.

Lucy came out about the time the first waffles popped out of the toaster, the coffee maker beeped, and Whitney was fully dressed. Thankfully, though there were a lot of fiddly bits, the day’s plan was simple enough. Get the IDs started, drop by the bank a couple doors down to make our deposits, pick up IDs, find a lawyer who could do some work for reconnecting Whitney to the fact that she was alive. 

Blegh. Lawyers. 

Still, it was doable, and if we got lucky there would be time at the end for getting Whitney some actual starter equipment suitable to her Class. Just couldn’t do it up front, since she couldn’t carry it without her license. Although Washington lets you go a long time without active use, I wasn’t sure if California would do the same. Congress was talking about national reciprocity on the licenses, but given how fast they did stuff my grandchildren might eventually see the law passed.

If children happened. That needed to come first.

We weren’t expecting attacks today, but it was still worth keeping basic equipment on us. Retractable batons were common and subtle enough that we had two, and my short sword strapped to my side made three. I had a light shield with it, in this group I’d need to anchor. Lucy had a manashed shirt, my only one being a victim of lighting two days prior and Whitney obviously not yet there. She was also wearing a backpack with our well-padded coin bag inside, holding most of what we had saved in that currency. She’d be furthest from the action in case something went wrong.

“Don’t you guys have anything… bigger? I’m a Two-Hander melee specialist.”

“An axe that isn’t legal for you to carry until your license is reissued, and a stave that Lucy uses for rituals and won’t let ME touch.” I decided right there to leave the obvious joke be. No sense antagonizing people. 

Here’s the thing about life. It really likes to take your expectations and punt them to the side. We had just stepped outside when we heard a high-pitched growl. The brown yarrb was on the sidewalk in front of our house, hackles and spines raised, growling at a trio of young men. At the front was a haloed face familiar from a couple days prior. 

“Hey! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”

Aaron Christiansen turned his face in my direction, his two human thugs staring. Three against three if it came down to it. I didn’t know about his followers’ capabilities, but I knew he probably had not gotten any weaker in the last couple of days. Then again, I had added some capabilities to my party.

He recognized me, and spat to the side. “Still hanging around, hellspawn? Did you eat someone in there and steal their home? Maybe the new girl is a convert.” He was reaching for a sword on his belt, the pommel glittering.

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“Touch that weapon and I don’t hold back like last time. You’re on my turf now. I’m fresh.” My words were way more confident than I was feeling. I did NOT want to be getting into street fights when I was literally about to head directly to a police station. Didn’t mean I wouldn’t do it, and my mental trigger finger was on my Lightning Net, just in case.

The man to his left spoke up. His voice was dull, “I’ll take them, boss!”

That was enough to justify things. I Scanned him immediately, finding nothing of note. Johnny was a level five Enforcer, carrying a club, moderate scores and a low INT. Bait. I figured I’d bite. Turning to Whitney, I asked a question. “Think you’ve got this bare-knuckle?”

She grinned and stepped forward. Lucy looked at me quizzically. “If I judge things right, and you know I’m good at it, she is the least likely of us to accidentally do permanent harm as long as she does things unarmed.” She also knew that phrase meant I’d gotten a Scan on him and did the math on the upcoming scuffle. The idiot actually stepped across the property line, and utterly without warning caught a driving fist across his jaw with a sickening crack. He flew backwards across the sidewalk, colliding with an illegally parked car. Whitney’s aura started shimmering a bit harder, indulging her Wrath was intensifying it. I had no issues with any of the above.

“Take your friend and back away. You don’t get to win this one. Next one won’t be bare knuckle. This has been your legal warning under Delver regulations.”

The Paladin, to his credit, read the situation the way I’d hoped and complied. He took his friends and got gone. We went the other way, waving at the yarrb then catching the bus downtown. The backseat held the three of us comfortably, and Lucy was giving Whitney a strange look. “Your wrist okay? You’ve been stretching it a lot since we got on the bus.”

“Yeah, his head was just hard. Can I use the club next time?” We all laughed a bit. Needed it. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be back. Logically, though, we all knew he would. Him, or someone like him. We made convenient targets. 

The office building we stopped in front of had the DMV in it. From previous experience, all of the offices in it were staffed that way, and we would need at least three of them. I made sure Whitney had at least her hospital band for identification and set her to wait in the surprisingly long line for Delver renewal, then walked down the hall with Lucy to go to the Office of Public Protection bounty station. 

The line for bounties of Tier Four and higher was essentially nonexistent. This far from the dungeon entrance, they almost never happened. The officer on desk seemed skeptical, but looked up the claim and found it valid. The paperwork to finish the process of retrieving a simple check was almost as extensive as the one to renew my firearms certification, and if it weren’t for a fat paycheck at the end might have gotten me to give up on it. Maybe deep Delvers didn’t bother with the process and it saved the city some cash, but it meant rent and equipment for me. I kept writing, and would have to deal with hand pain later.

We got back in time to stop Whitney from physically attacking the man at the counter for telling her that the hospital band wasn’t enough to look her up for confirmation. He thought she was exaggerating for effect. I could feel otherwise. Of course, nobody was on staff that day who could do a proper scan or zone of truth. 

The line for a new ID card was just as long, and this time we all got to just stay there. At least it turned out she wouldn’t be needing a firearm license. According to her, she could see everything, but hitting a ranged attack outside of arm’s reach was more luck than anything. I decided to not have weapons that cause collateral damage in her arsenal. Just seemed prudent.

Her actual ID would take a while to get mailed to the apartment, but the temporary paper they gave was enough to get her Delver card back… eventually, since it would also have to be mailed. By then, we were all hungry and frustrated. One could be solved by a taco truck. The other? Well… not so much. The next stop was the bank itself, the largest one in the area and one of only two that had a Coin vault. Translation? More lines. 

The Central Bank of Seattle understood that adventurers wanted to be armed. It also understood that it wanted nothing to do with armed customers inside the lobby. There were free lockers in the entryway to put our equipment, and metal detectors set up to access the main desk area in the event that someone thought the signs didn’t apply to them. Not our favorite way to be, but two out of three of us had other means of attack while the third had recently demonstrated a lack of true need. 

The inside was rather tastefully decorated, marble planters complimenting the elegant architecture. Bronze stands held ropes up to create orderly lines… which presented an issue. Specifically, that the lines for Coin deposits and Checks were on opposite ends of the large room. Exactly zero people in my group had enough patience left for that, especially since we theoretically had a lawyer to go see afterwards.

“Jay, go deposit the check. I’ll take Whitney to the coin vault, it needs more physical security and one of us has to be at each.”

“Got it, love. Meet back here as soon as you’re done?”

“Got it in one.” She gave our winged guest a look. “We have a lot to discuss away from male ears.” Whitney looked a bit pained. I took comfort in the fact that Lucy didn’t want us kicked out of this bank. They didn’t care about Races.

The wait wasn’t as bad as it could have been, really. The fact that the person behind me was a four-and-a-half foot Squirrel Beastfolk dressed as a clown definitely helped pass the time. He was there after either performing at a corporate event, losing a bet, or winning a bet, I wasn’t sure which (if there was a difference), but either way he also had a check to cash. I was three spots back from the front when a bang came from the front doors, the metal detectors blaring.

I’m not sure what I was expecting, but this was not it. The Squirrel behind me dove for cover behind one of the marble planters as five skeletons walked through the doorway, clad in ice and carrying shotguns.

Really? Shotgun ice skeletons. In the bank. With a clown squirrel. I reached for my sword, and remembered. It was in a locker. Behind the shotgun ice skeletons.

I started by scanning the nearest one. Catching monstrous Status with a Controlled condition was the clincher. These were not people, but raised minions. I did not want to become the focus of their attention, but I couldn’t just sit and let them ransack the place. People were scrambling for cover and side doors, the speaker system announcing weapons free for Delvers, but me? I wasn’t that smart. I called up my wife’s favorite spell, and launched a lance of flame at the one in the back.

It certainly hit, and cratered its icy armor. What it didn’t do was immediately waste the minion. What it did do was get five shotguns aimed at me, instantly and directly. It also encouraged me to dive for cover fast, the marble facade of the planter enough at this distance to keep the slugs and pellets from getting to me. Mixed ammo types? They were either intelligent or their creator didn’t care.

“REALLY?” It was the Squirrel. “Of all the places to hide, I have to pick the same one as the freaking hero?”

“This a bad time to ask you your Ten?”

“If you want to go on a date, my answer’s no.” We both ducked reflexively as another salvo nearly demolished our cover. “If you have a plan, good Cha, Dex, and Agility with four support class levels.”

I poked my head out, saw them reloading, and threw one of my Lightning Nets at one that seemed closer to finishing the process. Then ducked again. As it struggled to escape, the other four fired at me. At least the bystanders were being left alone. Where were Lucy and Whitney? “Just sprint right to the next planter and do something distracting.”

“Why are you assuming I can make a good distraction?”

“You’re the one in clown makeup, now move!”

“I’d be furious right now if you weren’t right!” He gathered himself and dashed much faster than I would have given him credit for at his size, getting to cover in a shaved second and throwing something at the skeletons. That “something” turned out to be something like a very dramatic string of firecrackers, going off in their midst and confusing them. Nice distraction.

I took the opportunity to attempt to Purge their control spell, but was just in time to see what my wife was up to. Sorcerers got a bit of a bad rap for being indiscriminate artillery. Lucy preferred to work with precision blasts of power. This time? Full stereotype, as a roaring ball of flame exploded in the middle of the group, blowing their armor to steam and damaging their cheap weapons.

With a scream, Whitney charged forward from the side. She grabbed one of the bronze stands, at which point I learned three things. First, it had been bolted to the ground. Second, at over thirty effective strength, it might as well not have been for all the delay that caused. 

Third? Well, Whitney was a Two-Handed Weapon specialist, and the pole became four feet of brass club that she used to turn the naked bones into dust in short order. 

From a planter to my right: “okay, heroes. Plural. That works better.”

I rolled forward, my shoulder and wing stinging where I hadn’t moved quite quickly enough earlier. Another Net kept one of the quicker ones from blasting my new housemate, a lance of white fire from my wife by the desk reduced one to dust, and in a few blurry seconds it was over. The minions dissolved away, leaving nothing but their charred bandoliers and badly damaged weapons. 

The quiet after all of that was a bit creepy. I surveyed the area. Could have been worse, really, almost no blood on the ground. Definite damage to the facade from the shotguns (and the fireball, totally worth it), one broken up tile where the pole had gotten ripped loose, a couple more shattered from improvised club impacts. “Jay up!”

“Lucy up!”

Whitney was standing in the middle of what used to be the enemy formation, panting heavily and sweating hard. She was alright, though when the things realized she was there the claws had done some damage. I could see that the bleeding had already stopped, she likely wouldn’t even need medical attention. She was walking back towards my wife, slowly, reasserting control over herself after utilizing her Rage.

Behind me, the tellers were looking up from behind the counter. With their usual timing, the authorities chose that exact moment to show up. In body armor. Rifles drawn. 

I stood, holding up my Delver license. “You’re late, gentlemen.” All five rifles were pointing at me. A familiar voice came from behind them.

“You again? What is it with you and being right where attacks happen?” The same officer from the playground scuffle stepped out. He didn’t tell his men to put away their weapons, this time.

“I was literally here to deposit the check from the report you wrote. If you can tell me how that works, I’ll try to avoid it in the future. Mind telling your friends that I’m not a target? Bank surveillance should show the story, five skeleton minions in ice armor, armed with shotguns.”

“Minions? Not monsters?”

“Got a Scan off before they started shooting. They were controlled and directed. About all I had time to see before I had to jump behind cover.” 

From a planter to my right: “yeah, and it was awesome!” The short squirrel clown peeked out from the side of the cover. “Mind putting those down? I’ll tell the story. I got to help!”

“Look, all I want to do is make my deposits so that I can pay rent, then I can tell the story.”

“Deal.”

I turned around and went to the counter, writing on the deposit slip and sliding it over with my ID and Delver card. The Human teller looked at it, swallowed hard, and started entering it into his system. Easiest transaction ever, dude didn’t say a word. “Lucy, you get the other one done?”

“Twelve seconds before today’s entertainment.”

“Good. Let’s chat with the nice officers now that their rifles aren’t pointed at me.”

This chat was much, much shorter than the last one I had. We were in a freaking bank, surveillance confirmed the timeline inside of fifteen minutes, and this time no bystanders were injured. The motivation of the minions was unknown, as was their summoner, because my team stopped them before they got to do anything noteworthy. We weren’t liable for damage to the room due to the Weapons Free call, and that was that. No bounty, though. Pity. Bank decided to waive the deposit fee for our Coin by way of thanks, though, that was nice.

It was nearly three in the afternoon by the time we left. We all pretty much simultaneously decided that the lawyer could wait for tomorrow. Maybe even try to do the appointment thing for once, and pray the current craziness didn’t interfere. Lucy was snuggled tight under my right arm on the bus, I could feel the emotions in her boiling like they always did post-fight. To my left, Whitney was sitting with her arms crossed, staring ahead. Her aura was shimmering strongly. Was it linked to her feeding? Certainly, two good fights in a day (plus the arguments between them) should have her near full. A mystery for another day, I’d make sure to record my thoughts tonight. From the way my wife was snuggling, it would be much later. I had no complaints, but was quite thankful for my recently-boosted Endurance. 

The day turned out to not quite be done, though, as Lucy also perked up halfway home. “Looks like you’re not the only one who gets to level up this week!”

There was applause from the other passengers on the bus, including Whitney (who added an appreciative nod, having witnessed the fireworks that pushed Lucy over the threshold). Lucy, apparently having forgotten we were in public, managed a blush. Cherry red skin blushing is quite a talent, her cheeks almost literally started to glow. With something that sounded almost like a squeak, she snuggled in closer, like she was trying to hide in the crook of my arms.

We would go over her choices much, much later. Still snuggled together after a post-battle quickie (at least, it was quick for us). Extra Rote slot, and she unlocked Cantrips. A minor level, but exceedingly useful on the personal side. Not having those custom minor skills had cost her a lot of time and effort which could go elsewhere now. Her aura had calmed, seeming to flicker in time with our heartbeats. We settled after the chaos of the day.

Perhaps tomorrow would be more peaceful.

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