Being-Towards-Death
These two people were a lot different.
Li Muze also had to play it cool during breaks. He never slept on his desk, but held his chest and leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed and his head slightly hanging.
His skin was white, so a small light brown mole on his nose was particularly conspicuous. It dotted his face like a boat floating in the vast white snow sea, but it was not abrupt and was gentle. It was a pity that he was not a gentle boy after all. Once he had an expression, he was always happy to bring a little arrogance in a young man. In addition, his words and actions were always the same all the year around. He always seemed to show that he did not care about anything in order to show his different energy. Most boys of this age had this problem. Girls love this energy; although it was unclear, it was cool.
Shen Tingmian was different. He was not as aggressive as Li Muze. He was a real ordinary boy. He did not slip in his grades and had no sense of presence in the class. It was guessed he would leave a name or surname in the impression of his classmates. His only hobby was reading. He was too comfortable, not as struggling as his peers at this time. He was determined to be an ordinary person. For ordinary people like him, kindness was the biggest advantage. However, if you had contact with him, you would find that he was not as kind as he appeared to be. He always kept a proper distance from everyone. He would politely refuse others’ kindness without a trace, speak with restraint, and was very tight-lipped. It was just that it seemed difficult for him to keep his attention for a long time. Once you talked to him for more than a few minutes, you would find that he didn’t seem to listen. Although he still answered you, his eyes were already wandering.
The logic of his speech was always a little confused; his speech speed was either very fast or very slow, and his tongue seemed to be trembling. He was probably aware of this, so he talked less and less now.
When he first started high school, he was at the top of the class, and then somehow his grades fell off, but he still listened carefully in class, finished his homework on time, studied hard, and listened to his teachers. It was hard to understand why. But he seemed to be in poor health. He always asked for leave from time to time and disappeared for a few days, but it seemed like there was no major problem. The students in the class secretly thought he was a little hypocritical.
Regardless of grades, Shen Tingmian was a good student in an absolute sense.
Li Muze was different, he was wild.
This kid played basketball every day, or he went to the billiards basement at the corner of the alley with Old Dog Liu for an afternoon. Not only that, but he was always good at giving the teacher inappropriate responses in the classroom, and he had earned enough attention for this, which was unfair. He himself was a member of the sports committee, tall and thin and a little handsome. In addition to those, his eyes usually hang down, looking a bit like ruffian. He was very attractive, especially to girls. Plus he was one of those rare goofballs who was good at sports and had good grades, which his existence had been heard by the whole classes in the grade.
But that was about it. He was pretentious, and there was nothing wrong with thinking that way at this certain age.
The family was well-off and the journey had been basically smooth, except for the fact that Li Muze was a bit shaken by the fact that he liked boys. The first time he confessed his love directly, he was beaten up by the other party. This time he liked someone else, and was going to bite his tongue and not say anything, but then Liu Chao was always blowing Shen Tingmian’s gossip in his ear for the past few days, so he messed himself up.
His liking for Shen Tingmian made his life chaotic; his life could be said to have become fragmented, but Li Muze still felt good about this chaos. He was worried that the world was so complete, so complete that there would be no meaning.
He also couldn’t figure out how he fell in love with Shen Tingmian. Looking back, it could be that time when Shen Tingmian accidentally touched his hand when he passed him during a break. Li Muze looked back at Shen Tingmian at that moment, and Shen Tingmian’s back inexplicably touched him.
Shen Tingmian had an indescribable energy.
He seemed a little cold, and he had never been enthusiastic about anything.
But his hands were soft, Li Muze thought curiously, and this aroused his protective nature.
It was strange, this idea had no basis.
It was too bad. When you originally had no feelings for a person, and suddenly some unreasonable thought hit you so now you were curious about him. After constant fumbling and observation, you unknowingly liked him.
Cupid was really a naughty kid who threw arrows randomly, but still made people scratch their heads and think again, it seems not bad ah.
Li Muze’s way of expressing his love was a bit one-sided. His unconcealed nervousness, which couldn’t be hidden, might move girls, but it had little effect on Shen Tingmian, whose sexual orientation seemed normal.
Yes, Li Muze sat in front of a small table with a lamp at night, pursed his mouth, hugged his chest and crossed his legs. His eyes turned into cross-eyed eyes because of staring at the pen in his mouth.
Does Shen tingmian like boys?
He said he didn’t hate it, it is very intriguing.
Straight men would be blown up by the same-sex confession, and many would beat others. In current time, people were open-minded, but many brothers in the same-sex forums also said that after the confession, the eyes of the other party showed visible disgust. He didn’t believe in evil before. He learned his lesson before he knew it was true.
But Shen Tingmian, he really didn’t.
What did he look like then?
Li Muze thought about it several times a day. At that time Shen Tingmian froze for two seconds, like something was melting in his eyes.
Melt, then collapse.
Yes, Li Muze felt that he had collapsed, and suddenly the whole person seemed disheveled, and there was some fear coming out.
Li Muze did not know at that time how many times he had to experience hurt in the name of love, and some people’s first reaction to being shown love was not joy, but fear.
He only knew that Shen Tingmian had said negative and ambiguous words in that gradually darkening staircase corner, when there were just the two of them. Shen Tingmian said something like a line from a movie. He said, Li Muze, I’m a bottomless pit, you shouldn’t like me.
What does it mean?
Li Muze was distressed, he pondered over it, but just couldn’t understand the exact meaning of the phrase.
Although he was in the liberal arts class, he was still like some science students thinking about emotional problems. He thought that the sentence had a fixed answer. He couldn’t take it for granted.
Old Dog Liu was very sentimental, and Li Muze decided to ask this scumbag.
Old Dog Liu clapped his hands after hearing this, “She means she is very horny. It’s difficult for you to satisfy her.”
Li Muze gave him a kick and cursed, “You’re the one who’s fucking horny.”
Old Dog Liu said: “Then she doesn’t like you, unrequited love, ah. Li Muze, I think you are going to die alone.”
Alone?
For people like him, as long as the other party did not resent him and did not cut him off, it was actually a victory.
Where was the need to care about loneliness?
If you liked them, you would feel warm, not lonely.
Old Dog Liu watched Li Muze silently rejoice for some reason. He shrugged his shoulders and flipped through the textbook, turning two pages and twitching a little.
Old Dog Liu thought Li Muze might be abnormal. He snapped his fingers: “Who do you like? Is it from our class?”
“You don’t want to say this?” Old Dog Liu got bored. “The monthly exam is coming soon, finally we can change seats. Our area is noisy every day. I want to change to a good place to study.”
Li Muze squinted at him: “You’re stupid.”
Old Dog Liu rubbed his head: “Stupid person also needs a good learning environment.”
Li Muze: “You tell me where you want to sit?”
Old Dog Liu leaned back. Because it was at the back door, Li Muze’s school bag was hanging behind the chair, with its compartment zips still open. He touched it back and touched the crumpled pages of the book.
“I’m going to follow Zhang Tian. She’s good at choosing seats.” Old Dog Liu said. He didn’t expect to see Zhang Tian who came through the back door with a water bottle so he smiled brightly, “Right, monitor——”
“Scram!” Zhang Tian blushed and scolded with laughter.
Li Muze was inspired.
That’s right.
Be a deskmate, eh, if you are a deskmate——
He catapulted himself to the back of the room, next to the blackboard to look at the report card from last month’s exam. Their class picked their seats according to their academic performance.
There were more than sixty people in the class and Shen Tingmian ranked about thirtieth every time. He remembered that last month…
Eh? How this time is the bottom.
He has regressed so hard recently, ah…
Li Muze usually ranked in the top ten in the class. He wondered as he returned to his seat, should he not take the test later? Then get a rank close to his rank, so it would be more likely to be sitting together.
Old Dog Liu looked at him for a long time before giving him a punch: “What the fuck are you thinking.”
“Fuck,” Li Muze kicked him, “Fuck off.”
He took out a notebook, wrote down his grades and subtracted each subject one by one.
Old dog Liu widened his eyes and looked at him like fresh shit.
Meng Yuanyuan was the labor committee member. She took the record book to the group that was on duty yesterday: “The points were deducted again. Did you get on duty yesterday?”
The group leader asked her, “Where was it deducted?”
“In the aisle.”
The group leader showed a disgusted expression: “That’s where An Xuan is in charge, you go ask her.”
An Xuan was a small girl with a hunchback when she walked. She was always conscientious. She spoke very quietly and she was a little weak. Most importantly, she always wanted others to give way to her.
“Ah,” Meng Yuanyuan knew something and could only say, “Then you talk to her again.”
“I’ve said it several times! Really,” the group leader hammered the table twice, annoyed, “I cleaned up after her the first few times, and she did it again this time! I really can’t stand it anymore, go talk to the class teacher, let the class teacher talk to her.”
“I did,” Meng Yuanyuan said with a headache, “But the teacher said she was sick. Anyway, if it doesn’t work, just give her a privilege. That’s fine too.”
Shen Tingmian went back home before the evening study session to get some things.
Before leaving the door, Zheng Wenying came out of the bathroom and saw what he was carrying in his hand, so she wiped his hand on her pants and said urgently.
“Wait, this stuff is not easy to carry. Mom will find a bag for you to carry.”
Shen Tingmian looked at her. He did not tell her that he was always blaming her, complaining about her, and then often forgiving her without realizing it. This process repeated itself again and again, leaving him in a trance and confused. He loved and hated her, perhaps it was no longer a secret.
When he was buried, if his soul could exist in this world, he would protect her forever.
The sunset clouded over the city and everything seemed gentle.
Shen Tingmian was on the main road, at the intersection, with cars on all sides. He was in a daze amidst the sound of the cars, allowing the crowd to cross him.
He didn’t understand why people were crying or laughing.
Shen Tingmian thought, what is he? He is nothing.
Extreme panic, anxiety and sadness reincarnated in every second of his life. His body had long been gutted by the overwhelming emotions, so much so that when it all stopped, he was exhausted.
No one was born that way, and he certainly knew what a normal person would look like.
Most of you couldn’t imagine him smiling normally, as if he were so happy that he was going to die.
The sun was going down again, it was getting dark again.
Shen Tingmian’s fear of the darkness was as great as the sea gently spreading over your body and then raising the water level a little to drown you. This was a numb and sensible fear. Every night, he could hear all kinds of sounds. His heart beat so violently that it was about to burst out of his chest. The subtle and any movement that might be made in the night, the sounds amplified countless times in his world and stirred his fragile nerves in every possible way.
He had no way to tell, and now the sun was going down again, and it was getting dark again.
Chapter 3: 3
Li Muze also had to play it cool during breaks. He never slept on his desk, but held his chest and leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed and his head slightly hanging.
His skin was white, so a small light brown mole on his nose was particularly conspicuous. It dotted his face like a boat floating in the vast white snow sea, but it was not abrupt and was gentle. It was a pity that he was not a gentle boy after all. Once he had an expression, he was always happy to bring a little arrogance in a young man. In addition, his words and actions were always the same all the year around. He always seemed to show that he did not care about anything in order to show his different energy. Most boys of this age had this problem. Girls love this energy; although it was unclear, it was cool.
Shen Tingmian was different. He was not as aggressive as Li Muze. He was a real ordinary boy. He did not slip in his grades and had no sense of presence in the class. It was guessed he would leave a name or surname in the impression of his classmates. His only hobby was reading. He was too comfortable, not as struggling as his peers at this time. He was determined to be an ordinary person. For ordinary people like him, kindness was the biggest advantage. However, if you had contact with him, you would find that he was not as kind as he appeared to be. He always kept a proper distance from everyone. He would politely refuse others’ kindness without a trace, speak with restraint, and was very tight-lipped. It was just that it seemed difficult for him to keep his attention for a long time. Once you talked to him for more than a few minutes, you would find that he didn’t seem to listen. Although he still answered you, his eyes were already wandering.
The logic of his speech was always a little confused; his speech speed was either very fast or very slow, and his tongue seemed to be trembling. He was probably aware of this, so he talked less and less now.
When he first started high school, he was at the top of the class, and then somehow his grades fell off, but he still listened carefully in class, finished his homework on time, studied hard, and listened to his teachers. It was hard to understand why. But he seemed to be in poor health. He always asked for leave from time to time and disappeared for a few days, but it seemed like there was no major problem. The students in the class secretly thought he was a little hypocritical.
Regardless of grades, Shen Tingmian was a good student in an absolute sense.
Li Muze was different, he was wild.
This kid played basketball every day, or he went to the billiards basement at the corner of the alley with Old Dog Liu for an afternoon. Not only that, but he was always good at giving the teacher inappropriate responses in the classroom, and he had earned enough attention for this, which was unfair. He himself was a member of the sports committee, tall and thin and a little handsome. In addition to those, his eyes usually hang down, looking a bit like ruffian. He was very attractive, especially to girls. Plus he was one of those rare goofballs who was good at sports and had good grades, which his existence had been heard by the whole classes in the grade.
But that was about it. He was pretentious, and there was nothing wrong with thinking that way at this certain age.
The family was well-off and the journey had been basically smooth, except for the fact that Li Muze was a bit shaken by the fact that he liked boys. The first time he confessed his love directly, he was beaten up by the other party. This time he liked someone else, and was going to bite his tongue and not say anything, but then Liu Chao was always blowing Shen Tingmian’s gossip in his ear for the past few days, so he messed himself up.
His liking for Shen Tingmian made his life chaotic; his life could be said to have become fragmented, but Li Muze still felt good about this chaos. He was worried that the world was so complete, so complete that there would be no meaning.
He also couldn’t figure out how he fell in love with Shen Tingmian. Looking back, it could be that time when Shen Tingmian accidentally touched his hand when he passed him during a break. Li Muze looked back at Shen Tingmian at that moment, and Shen Tingmian’s back inexplicably touched him.
Shen Tingmian had an indescribable energy.
He seemed a little cold, and he had never been enthusiastic about anything.
But his hands were soft, Li Muze thought curiously, and this aroused his protective nature.
It was strange, this idea had no basis.
It was too bad. When you originally had no feelings for a person, and suddenly some unreasonable thought hit you so now you were curious about him. After constant fumbling and observation, you unknowingly liked him.
Cupid was really a naughty kid who threw arrows randomly, but still made people scratch their heads and think again, it seems not bad ah.
Li Muze’s way of expressing his love was a bit one-sided. His unconcealed nervousness, which couldn’t be hidden, might move girls, but it had little effect on Shen Tingmian, whose sexual orientation seemed normal.
Does Shen tingmian like boys?
He said he didn’t hate it, it is very intriguing.
Straight men would be blown up by the same-sex confession, and many would beat others. In current time, people were open-minded, but many brothers in the same-sex forums also said that after the confession, the eyes of the other party showed visible disgust. He didn’t believe in evil before. He learned his lesson before he knew it was true.
But Shen Tingmian, he really didn’t.
What did he look like then?
Li Muze thought about it several times a day. At that time Shen Tingmian froze for two seconds, like something was melting in his eyes.
Melt, then collapse.
Yes, Li Muze felt that he had collapsed, and suddenly the whole person seemed disheveled, and there was some fear coming out.
Li Muze did not know at that time how many times he had to experience hurt in the name of love, and some people’s first reaction to being shown love was not joy, but fear.
He only knew that Shen Tingmian had said negative and ambiguous words in that gradually darkening staircase corner, when there were just the two of them. Shen Tingmian said something like a line from a movie. He said, Li Muze, I’m a bottomless pit, you shouldn’t like me.
What does it mean?
Li Muze was distressed, he pondered over it, but just couldn’t understand the exact meaning of the phrase.
Although he was in the liberal arts class, he was still like some science students thinking about emotional problems. He thought that the sentence had a fixed answer. He couldn’t take it for granted.
Old Dog Liu was very sentimental, and Li Muze decided to ask this scumbag.
Old Dog Liu clapped his hands after hearing this, “She means she is very horny. It’s difficult for you to satisfy her.”
Li Muze gave him a kick and cursed, “You’re the one who’s fucking horny.”
Old Dog Liu said: “Then she doesn’t like you, unrequited love, ah. Li Muze, I think you are going to die alone.”
Alone?
For people like him, as long as the other party did not resent him and did not cut him off, it was actually a victory.
If you liked them, you would feel warm, not lonely.
Old Dog Liu watched Li Muze silently rejoice for some reason. He shrugged his shoulders and flipped through the textbook, turning two pages and twitching a little.
Old Dog Liu thought Li Muze might be abnormal. He snapped his fingers: “Who do you like? Is it from our class?”
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“Questions are endless.” Li Muze disliked him for his womanishly fussy, “Stupid.”“You don’t want to say this?” Old Dog Liu got bored. “The monthly exam is coming soon, finally we can change seats. Our area is noisy every day. I want to change to a good place to study.”
Li Muze squinted at him: “You’re stupid.”
Old Dog Liu rubbed his head: “Stupid person also needs a good learning environment.”
Li Muze: “You tell me where you want to sit?”
Old Dog Liu leaned back. Because it was at the back door, Li Muze’s school bag was hanging behind the chair, with its compartment zips still open. He touched it back and touched the crumpled pages of the book.
“I’m going to follow Zhang Tian. She’s good at choosing seats.” Old Dog Liu said. He didn’t expect to see Zhang Tian who came through the back door with a water bottle so he smiled brightly, “Right, monitor——”
“Scram!” Zhang Tian blushed and scolded with laughter.
Li Muze was inspired.
That’s right.
Be a deskmate, eh, if you are a deskmate——
He catapulted himself to the back of the room, next to the blackboard to look at the report card from last month’s exam. Their class picked their seats according to their academic performance.
There were more than sixty people in the class and Shen Tingmian ranked about thirtieth every time. He remembered that last month…
Eh? How this time is the bottom.
He has regressed so hard recently, ah…
Li Muze usually ranked in the top ten in the class. He wondered as he returned to his seat, should he not take the test later? Then get a rank close to his rank, so it would be more likely to be sitting together.
“Fuck,” Li Muze kicked him, “Fuck off.”
He took out a notebook, wrote down his grades and subtracted each subject one by one.
Old dog Liu widened his eyes and looked at him like fresh shit.
Meng Yuanyuan was the labor committee member. She took the record book to the group that was on duty yesterday: “The points were deducted again. Did you get on duty yesterday?”
The group leader asked her, “Where was it deducted?”
“In the aisle.”
The group leader showed a disgusted expression: “That’s where An Xuan is in charge, you go ask her.”
An Xuan was a small girl with a hunchback when she walked. She was always conscientious. She spoke very quietly and she was a little weak. Most importantly, she always wanted others to give way to her.
“Ah,” Meng Yuanyuan knew something and could only say, “Then you talk to her again.”
“I’ve said it several times! Really,” the group leader hammered the table twice, annoyed, “I cleaned up after her the first few times, and she did it again this time! I really can’t stand it anymore, go talk to the class teacher, let the class teacher talk to her.”
“I did,” Meng Yuanyuan said with a headache, “But the teacher said she was sick. Anyway, if it doesn’t work, just give her a privilege. That’s fine too.”
Shen Tingmian went back home before the evening study session to get some things.
Before leaving the door, Zheng Wenying came out of the bathroom and saw what he was carrying in his hand, so she wiped his hand on her pants and said urgently.
“Wait, this stuff is not easy to carry. Mom will find a bag for you to carry.”
Shen Tingmian looked at her. He did not tell her that he was always blaming her, complaining about her, and then often forgiving her without realizing it. This process repeated itself again and again, leaving him in a trance and confused. He loved and hated her, perhaps it was no longer a secret.
When he was buried, if his soul could exist in this world, he would protect her forever.
The sunset clouded over the city and everything seemed gentle.
Shen Tingmian was on the main road, at the intersection, with cars on all sides. He was in a daze amidst the sound of the cars, allowing the crowd to cross him.
He didn’t understand why people were crying or laughing.
Extreme panic, anxiety and sadness reincarnated in every second of his life. His body had long been gutted by the overwhelming emotions, so much so that when it all stopped, he was exhausted.
No one was born that way, and he certainly knew what a normal person would look like.
Most of you couldn’t imagine him smiling normally, as if he were so happy that he was going to die.
The sun was going down again, it was getting dark again.
Shen Tingmian’s fear of the darkness was as great as the sea gently spreading over your body and then raising the water level a little to drown you. This was a numb and sensible fear. Every night, he could hear all kinds of sounds. His heart beat so violently that it was about to burst out of his chest. The subtle and any movement that might be made in the night, the sounds amplified countless times in his world and stirred his fragile nerves in every possible way.
He had no way to tell, and now the sun was going down again, and it was getting dark again.
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