Chapter 3: Decision of Love vs. Lust

Chapter 3

The otherwise soothing water surrounding Yui was of little comfort to her to the wave after wave of confusion that bombarded her. Her mind was a storm with the winds of both the unfamiliar and familiarity knocking the tides against her fragile state of being. Memories of Calvin swept over her as well as her parents and former boyfriend she was pretty sure was named Nate. 

But they collided in unnatural waves and mixed into a swirl of nonsense. It was as though her former life were a thousand mosaics gathered into a stream and sent blasting at her heart and soul at a thousand miles per hour and Yui was caught in the thick of it. The intense mixture of events and life circumstances from the time before was causing her to drown in the smear of information coming at her too fast to properly discern.

The boy who had saved her was now appearing in her mind in the form of a flash of light that blasted into her mind. Their first memories together of playing in the dirt, picking flowers and telling silly jokes appeared so quickly into her psyche that Yui had to pant in pain, as if a hammer had knocked against her temple. The sweet scent of nostalgia that might have been pleasant at any other time was being forced into all at once, the resulting feeling similar to one about to burst from drinking too much water.

Then came the memory of her boyfriend, Nathaniel she believed, who took her on dates to burger restaurants, chatted about school gossip and him asking if he would let him “go further”, whatever that meant. His handsome appearance and manly charisma was alluring to her, the closest approximation to “a true man” one could ever come to. But his emanation of pure masculinity and power was interwoven with so many different memories that struck at once it felt more like a punch to the stomach than anything truly sensual.

Then there were her parents. For some reason, that was the part that Yui had the hardest time comprehending. From what she could remember, their names were Sayaka and Hiro. They were foreigners and this fact brought Yui great distress.

They were…She thought. Were…replacements. Not…not my real parents… 

From what she could see of them, her parents looked worried and stressed most of all. They never scowled, but it felt as though they were always expecting something of Yui. Grades, schooling, the arts, her talents…these seem to flood her mind in relation to her parents more so than any real happy memories of them. Condemnation flooded her with the explosion of life experiences she shared with her parents for not living up to their requirements. 

I was white…She thought. They were from another country…my biological parents…no longer alive…so I had to be given to…my godparents. My biological parents…entrusted them in case…they died…and Calvin and Nathan I’ve known since being adopted by them. Yes…that was my life.

It was then that Yui remembered her dream of seeing her real parents. The parents who did not force her to be at the top of school in terms of GDP. Who didn’t make her do extracurricular activities to look good on college applications. Who didn’t make Yui draw paintings and sketches from real life rather than from her imagination like she chose. The memories of her strict, high-expectation parents made her cringe in fear, now remembering the fantasy of having less harsh guardians. 

Her parents often threatened to throw her out of her own house unless she made better grades or didn’t do well enough in the arts. Yui remembered that she once had a full on panic attack when she brought a B- to her parents on her report code, something that they absolutely despised. They actually forced Yui to pack up her favorite belongings in a bag and forced her to stand at the front door. The young woman was crying and begging to stay in her own household, something her parents were on the verge of not letting her.

When Yui was younger and she interrupted her parents speaking to other adults, they would take her away and beat her until she bruised. But the worst part was how they called her a tramp, a girl so reviled and rebellious she would get pregnant by a delinquent. In that case, they assured Yui they would not help the young woman raise that child. 

I hated my godparents. Yui thought. I always hated them. Secretly. They’d scold me when I complained, and say I was ungrateful if I said I was depressed. I always fantasized about my parents being different from them in every way.

She shook her head.

No! Yui thought. It’s wrong to hate! Even bad people…it’s wrong to hate them. I should be grateful they took me in. And if they threw me out…I would be deserving of it for not appreciating their tutelage more. If I didn’t take my career and future more seriously enough to not be above everyone else…then I’d be no better than a worthless tramp who runs the streets. It is evil of me to spurn their education they sacrificed for me with hatred…I want to be an obedient daughter they can be proud of. But…I would never want to return to them. If I could choose…I would wish they forgot about me even being their godchild. 

The three sets of memories associated with each person kept pounding into her against her will, as if she was being force-fed another meal after she was well full. It was an odd pain that crossed with mental anxiety and physical discomfort all concentrated in her head. Yui couldn’t think, couldn’t feel, couldn’t hear because everything about her former life drove out literally all other sensory information. Even the hot water and soap felt more like background noise than anything she was experiencing on her skin.

She attempted to distract herself by focusing on getting the dirt off her. The warm water in the bathtub had been dyed a dark brown from all the soil she had dug herself out of. However, focusing on cleansing herself of grime only hurt her state of mind further.

I feel like I’m drowning. She thought. I-I can’t breathe...and I’m being hit…just…just focus on the bath…

Thorough shampooing and soap had done that but when Yui thought of why she had crawled out of that grave she couldn’t say. She was not sure where she was when she awoke, only that she was inside a hard container that had a hole inside. At no time did Yui decide she had to escape from the prison she found herself in. She gave no thought to it. 

As soon as she awoke she began climbing out from the hole atop she could feel. In fact, Yui didn't realize that she was conscious for more than a second before she started climbing to the surface. Yui was gripping the dirt around her and pulling herself up almost involuntarily and not fully realizing where she was. All she knew was she was confused and scared of why everything was so dark and cold. 

She didn’t even begin consciously thinking until reaching the opening of the tunnel above. It wasn’t until the boy she vaguely remembered to be named Calvin was found right beside her after crawling upward that Yui began to truly remember. After sitting in the bathtub for hours trying to collect herself, a pause occurred in her swirl of emotion and past life events. This was almost as scary as she began to ask questions.

What happened to me? She thought. Did I change and fall asleep? Or did something happen to the world? Is the world the way I remembered from when I was normal? 

From what Yui could tell the world was the same as it had always been. Nothing seemed particularly out of sorts. But what did seem strange was where she had woken up. Within Yui’s recently required memory it was too chaotic to truly discern any one particular memory from another, her whole life so homogeneously mixed that it was like trying to pick a single grain of sand out of a shoreline. However, there was one concept that seemed to answer such an inquiry.

Death. She thought. 

The concept was so familiar, so core to her to the experience of living creature, she could not forget it. She knew what it meant to be dead and gone. To no longer exist.

Is that what happened to me? Yui thought in distress. Am-am I dead? 

Tears flowed down her face again, fresh pain in her mind.

 

Calvin stood outside the bathroom, fear and anticipation of renewed hope stirring inside him as he held freshly bought clothes in his arms. Calvin’s parents were out for the night so he was able to deliver Yui into his house to take care of her. The poor, confused girl was barely conscious of her surroundings but she was tracking so much mud that the young man was forced to carry her to the bathtub to wash off. 

He didn’t want her tracking in mud and alerting his parents to a new and unfamiliar presence, especially considering they’d never see their other son again. It was a good thing that the bathroom was not that far from the back of his house where he could place her in. After drawing Yui a bath and telling her to relax as much as possible, Calvin left for the clothing store to buy her some new garments. He knew where Nathan’s secret stash of money was so affording the girl nice threads was of little consequence. However, a new problem arose in his mind.

Where will Yui live now? He thought. And more importantly…how will I keep her with me? 

It was something he had given little thought to. Calvin was so overwhelmed with the possibility of Yui being brought back that everything was secondary. He literally cared nothing else other than the fact she would be alive again. But now that she was, what would Calvin do with her?

It was not like he could casually explain to either her adopted parents his own that she suddenly came back. It was not like Yui had run away or disappeared, something which he could explain away. And if his parents found out about this, they’d be incredibly suspicious of his actions, especially considering Nathan was gone. 

How would I explain this? Calvin thought. And furthermore…even if I could somehow explain it away…Yui would be taken away. Like my parents would allow her to stay with us…even if they could assume she had returned from the grave. She would probably be placed in protective custody…or at least be given over to the police.

He began panting in panic.

All this would be for not. Calvin thought. As Yui would never stay with me.

The young man felt overwhelmed and shortsighted for his decision to sacrifice his brother for this fate of never being with Yui. He began hating not only himself but his lack of decision making beyond resurrecting her. Calvin shook his head before realizing something.

I’m being selfish. He thought. As little as I may care about the morality of my actions…Yui is far more important than me. She deserves a chance at life more than anyone else. Yui should be given everything. And whether or not I get to keep her…she should be able to make her decisions based around her own happiness…not mine.

As much as Calvin felt that was the true answer, he was unsatisfied with it. 

Then what was my purpose in bringing back Yui? He thought. Was it for her…or for me? I can’t decide…I…I don’t know my true intentions.

He began wondering why he did it. There was no doubt he hated his brother and would be willing to sacrifice him so that Yui would have less competing affections, but that was beside the point. If Yui did not love him, would he still wish for her well-being? 

It was a question that Calvin had little resolve to answer. The idea of being without her was scarier than any gruesome death. It was like trying to live without tasting food or seeing the sun. One could exist as a human but without the enjoyment of anything it was merely a shell of living, not living itself. Calvin would essentially just be surviving with no real point or way to discern the good from bad. Like living without having any of the five senses. 

To not be so overwhelmed by this reality, he attempted to analyze why exactly he wanted Yui to be resurrected at all costs. If the choice of who to sacrifice was not completely up to him, it had to be a specific person, Calvin would still do it. He was not as motivated to kill Nathan for the sake of ridding himself of a rival as he was restoring Yui. But why? Why was this particular woman so special?

To me… He tried to put it into words. Yui is like the sensation of a fresh spring breeze. The newness of that life one sees on the bright green leaf from the branch that had since died in winter…that is Yui. She’s a diamond. A gem worth trillions. Something like that is too expensive for me to afford. So I must steal it in order to make it mine. I am not the person that fate offers much luxuries to…so I must take fate into my own hands. And Yui is the ultimate luxury.

Calvin knew that to be the truth, but he was unsatisfied with that answer for how selfish it was.

So if Yui is the ultimate treasure… Calvin thought. Is it not repulsive that I will not leave her alone? If I were to trap her with me then I would be taking away one of the world’s greatest treasures. Yui is a blessing to this world…and if I were to deprive this Earth of such a treasure…then it would be the ultimate cruelty.

He then looked down at the dagger at his side. It was held in a golden scabbard along with a brown belt that he had found at the same place that the knife had showed up at. The place where that large tree had fallen only to be decomposed also held a scabbard for the weapon that Calvin had found yesterday. 

Almost as if it was waiting for me to resurrect Yui. He thought. Once I did…there was no plan afterward. But how could there be? Who would believe me? How could Yui go back to school at this point? If she did…her very existence would destroy and disturb all of human society. It would be on the news and her parents…what would her parents think? Would they pressure Yui even harder to excel, thinking her special for such a circumstance of being brought back from the dead? And what about Yui? What will she want to do with her life after this? Continue her art career? Get back together with Nathan who's dead? Bond more with her parents? If her memories return, which it seems they will considering she remembered me, will her other preoccupations drown out any remaining affection she has for me? If only..if only she would be vulnerable…allow herself to fall so I could pick her up…then she would rely upon me.

As Calvin thought of these implications, he rested his hand on the dagger strapped to his side. He secretly wished that Yui would just forget about her former life. More than anything he wished that Yui would forget Nathan. 

It was his biggest fear that any lingering memory she had of her former boyfriend. In fact, better yet, Calvin wished that Yui would get her memories mixed up and believe that he had been her boyfriend rather than Nathan. If only they could have traded places in her mind. That Nathan had been her platonic friend while Calvin her romantic interest. If her memories somehow got mixed up then it meant that he could feel good for having brought back such a jewel of a person and still not miss out in experiencing its riches. But he sighed sullenly, Calvin’s hand tightening around the golden hilt in despair.

As if that would ever happen. He thought.

Calvin felt a slightly odd response in his hand. The young man felt as though something suddenly flowed from his arm down into the hilt of the knife, his hand wringing as a result. Calvin took his hand off the weapon to look down at it, confused. 

After shrugging at the slightly odd sensation, he then turned to the door in front of him and knocked. He waited for a moment, wishing to give Yui the appropriate amount of time to prepare herself. He found no answer.

“Yui,” Calvin said, trying not to be too loud at the risk of frightening the normally gentle and frail girl. “I’m back with some nice clothes for you. I…I hope you’re feeling better.”

He waited for a response, a pregnant pause filling the air as he waited. Calvin began to grow worried before hearing the splashing of water, indicating she was leaving the bathtub. After what must have been minutes, an amount of time that felt far longer than it should have. 

His skin practically ached with anticipation as Calvin heard the wet footsteps stomping on the tile. After that came the draining of the bathtub and, if he paid close enough attention, the taking the towel off the rack, obviously the girl drying off. After several moments of intense anticipation, the door creaked open, Yui’s arm barely visible as she let it open.

“Thank you,” she said from behind the door.

Her gratitude sounded to him like the fresh spring breeze he associated the young woman with. Calvin was so glad to hear Yui’s voice no longer tainted with sorrow and confusion. It was simple and humble, like how she usually spoke.

He laid the newly bought clothes folded in one arm at the edge of the bathroom and living room before turning away. With his eyes averted, Calvin heard the door close behind him. Another long pause would take place before he heard it open again. He turned around to find a nostalgic sight in his view.

Yui wore a pure white dress with frills, the skirt of the outfit stopping at her knees. It was the closest article clothing that Calvin could find to his favorite dress of Yui’s. Whenever he thought of Yui, he thought of her in that dress. It was so pure and regal, like how he thought of her. 

However, when she stood in the doorway of the bathroom wearing it, he was almost disgusted by her disposition. Rather than looking elegant and well-groomed she stared at him with wide, fearful eyes as goosebumps crawled all over her skin. Yui looked like a lost puppy, shivering either from fear or the cold. Her hair was still wet, only to make her seem more like a starved dog Calvin took pity, brought into his home and bathed.

She was not the joyful, exuberant girl with a patient spirit he’d known and desired. Her appearance was more akin to a street urchin with clothes too fanciful for a lowly woman and an expression too dour befitting the pure color. Yui looked at him with immense confusion, as if demanding that he explain her existence to him. 

“Lover…” she said to him.

Calvin was shocked by how she stated that. At first he was confused at her lone word she threw at him. Calvin didn’t know what to think before remembering what he had wished for and what flowed out of him to the knife.

Did…? He thought. Did I do that?

“Calvin…” she said. “You…you were my love in my former life while…while Nathan…your brother…he was my friend…although…I chose you over him.”

Calvin couldn’t believe his luck. It was exactly what he envisioned and wanted more than anything. For Yui to think he was her chosen mate. But…could it be a fluke? 

“What-?” he asked. “What about your parents? You know…your adopted parents?”

“What adopted parents?” Yui asked. “I have no guardians…or, at least…I don’t think so.”

And that was all the proof Calvin needed. Yui couldn’t remember even having parents to begin with, just as he wanted. This set a wonderful precedent for him.

Yui must have been in the midst of recovering her memories on her own. He thought. She recognized me without my input when she first was resurrected…but as soon as I wished for her to think of me in Nathan’s place…she just started saying it without being asked about it. Meaning…whatever changes took place due to my input happened rather quickly.

But she clearly didn’t understand the world around her. Her shivering wouldn’t stop and kept scratching her head as if hoping that motion would dry it faster. Yui would occasionally look around the house before staggering a little, as if the sight of a normal home was too much for her. She looked uneasy as she stood up, appearing as if she was about to fall over.

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Calvin wanted to reach out and prevent her from falling over as she staggered to the left but he was afraid of taking her into his arms. He was overly conscious of Yui thinking that he was taking advantage of her. He couldn’t allow Yui to think he thought of her as a vulnerable piece of meat. 

However, it was only after her eyes went blank with overstimulation of her new surroundings that he sprung into action. Just as Yui lost her balance from shivering and fell over, Calvin instinctually raced over and grasped her as she fell. The weight of the slim girl pulled him almost to the floor, Calvin collapsing on his knees. 

“I don’t know what’s real anymore!” she shouted. “I don’t know what life is! Am I dead? Am I alive? Who am I?”

“Pl-Please-” Calvin said.

“I don’t even know where I come from!” Yui shouted. “If I can’t remember my own parents…what or who am I? A monster? What creature can cross death’s boundary and lie to tell about it? Nothing natural or human, that’s what!”

Yui began crying and screaming as he attempted to prevent her from slamming her body against the floor. Calvin wondered what to do as he began to feel afraid of the neighbors hearing. While she struggled in his arms he gritted his teeth in fury as his elbow nudged the end of the hilt while attempting to keep Yui from thrashing about. 

Please be calm Yui…He thought. Please…please just be calm…

And then she was. As soon as Calvin had that thought, Yui stopped yelling. Her crying slowed to breathful sobs before inhaling as though she had run a mile. Yui collapsed into his arms once again before sitting up. After a few more deep breaths, Calvin found the girl had slowed to a silent cry. That confirmed his theory.

Whatever I want Yui to do or think…He thought. I touch the knife and she either does it or thinks it. 

His eyes went wide at the possibility of what he could.

No. Calvin thought. No…I can’t…

“Calvin…?” Yui asked. “What is this world? Is…is something wrong with it?”

No. He winced in displeasure at the thought. No! Yui is too noble a person to do that to. Too…too pure. If I do…I’d be violating something…something more than her.

He had to resist the urge to grab the knife and issue his greatest wish into it.

I cannot allow myself to stoop that low. Calvin thought. Not for my sake of keeping myself blameless but…but for not taking advantage of her.

He stood up and turned away. Calvin walked towards his room. He decided to go to bed and sleep this crazy day away.

He didn’t make it three feet before he realized what that would entail. He would be staring up at the ceiling of utter darkness, wishing it would be over. Wishing the pain would be over. The pain of having no one. 

The pain of wishing desperately for a connection, a closeness that simply wasn’t there. An emptiness and a longing that he observed everyone else had but Calvin himself could never attain. The darkness he would see in his room at night he would find in his very soul. He’d merely look at it and find the same nothingness surrounding him haunted him wherever he would go.

Something she doesn’t have. He thought.

Calvin turned back to eye Yui hungrily. Even as the girl tried and failed to stand up, there was something about her he couldn’t help but admire. As Yui stood up and no longer looked confused, the elegance and playfulness of her disposition returned. She no longer was a wreck but someone on the verge between adulthood and childlike spontaneity. A brightness returned to her eyes and a warmth to her face Calvin saw in almost no other woman. Whatever Yui had, he lacked.

“I want that,” he said aloud. “That life in you you’ve always had and no one else does.”

Yui turned to him with a playful expression that looked as if she wanted to play a game. It was always fascinating to Calvin how she could border on lovely maturity and spirited enjoyment of pleasure. However, what Calvin wanted in this moment was nothing innocent. He gripped the hilt of his knife.

Come to bed with me. He thought. And submit to me.

Immediately Yui’s disposition changed. She didn’t seem to be ready to engage in games or fun. In her face, Calvin could see will change and take on a rather hungry approach. Yui looked drained and animalistic in that moment. And another emotion came into being he recognized on her face: compliance.

Yes. Calvin thought. For I am your guardian.

Yui walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. She looked like she was on the verge of tears again. The shaking ensued.

Am I evil for what I’ve done. He thought. I’ve spoiled the young girl for good now. I’ve ruined her…but I just don’t care…I don’t care if a thousand laws are violated and Yui doesn’t know who I truly am…I’m finally happy.

“Please,” she said. “I…don’t want you to…to punish me…I feel…I feel like someone has done that to me in…in the past.”

“I don’t,” Calvin said. “Want to hurt you. You’ve been hurt enough.”

“I know…” she said as she began tearing up. “But–But it was because I was…I was worthless…”

“No!” Calvin shouted at her. “You–You’re not!”

Yui was struck by his answer, looking perplexed. The fact that she was downplaying her own value hurt him. Calvin hated the idea that someone so pure and trustworthy was calling themselves worthless. It just wasn’t right.

There were many people he’d consider worthless. Too many to name. But Yui was the furthest thing from it.

“You’re the only thing in this world I value,” he said. “The only thing. Everyday I woke up thinking how miserable I am without you. I thought all the time of how–how it’s just not fair that you live in such an awful world full of awful people. Yui…I wanted you…I wanted you more than anything and knew that if I didn’t have you I’d never be happy.” 

“You honestly think that?” Yui asked. “Why? I was told by my parents that–”

“Forget your parents!” he shouted. “Life…life can’t properly exist without you.”

“Wh-What-?” she asked. “What do you mean?”

“Look…” Calvin said. “I think a lot about how people are born every day and how their existence is measured. And…and I don’t know how to measure value…if there are so many people…how are they special? I don’t think anyone’s special because…there are so many people in the world I’ve met that give me no impression…that I couldn’t see wishing to meet again…they all just blur into my mind and forget.”

He could feel the tears roll down his face.

“But you…” he said. “You’re different. You’re not like that. I could never imagine living life without you…every day’s just a new adventure…you’re the brightness that makes every day feel new…every morning feel special. You never lost your innocence…never lost the shining inside you like so many others do. And that…that’s more important to me than anything else.”

“Are you saying…?” Yui asked. “You couldn’t live without me?”

“I’d never want to live without you,” Calvin said. “The day you died was the day I did as well.”

That’s what seemed to do the trick. Yui rushed toward him and threw herself into his arms only for Calvin to tighten his grasp around her waist. The intense sensation that rushed all over his body as he grasped her white clothed back with his hands felt electric. He was so warm he could barely stand it. His body became encompassed by a warmth so vivid and hot Calvin was panting in heat.

Yui held her hands beneath his chin, feeling the skin of his neck before stroking his hair. Calvin plunged his hands into brown hair to feel the silkiness of it. The neat, well-groomed neatness of it only made him more ravenous. With one hand he stroked the smooth, unblemished pale skin of Yui’s right cheek. It was so 

The first kiss of his life was more sensuous than he realized. His body became more sensitive during the act of locking lips. As Yui held his arm the sensation was magnified tenfold so that it almost hurt to experience. Serenity flowed throughout his body and every anxiety was cast away. 

The closeness he felt in that moment was intoxicating. Calvin felt merged with Yui in some odd way. There was no separating them as they’d connected to each other in a way beyond the body. It was what he wanted more than anything in his entire life. The feeling didn’t end even after they separated their lips to draw breath. There was still an intimacy between them that would not stop clinging to his mind. They were one in spirit from then and nothing could change Calvin’s mind. And it was at that moment he decided he could not force her to lay with him.

I can’t defile this gem. Calvin thought. I can’t soil her…to blacken this pure, snow white soul would be akin to staining a white dress with innocent blood. She…she can’t be treated like that. 

“Yui,” Calvin said. “Stay with me…stay with me and be my other half. My better half.”

“Of course,” Yui said. 

The moment of bliss was broken when something scaly slithered into the corner of Calvin’s vision. He turned to see a snake slip its forked tongue in and out of its mouth and leered at him. Its scales were as black as onyx and shined with intense sheen that was near blinding. The eyes were a mesmerizing yellow with black slits that glared hatred into him.

“You were not supposed to do that,” it said.

Calvin jerked backwards, almost pulling from Yui’s grip.

“Sleep with the maiden,” it said. “Defile her. Treat her as a harlot. And complete your carnal passions.”

“What?” Calvin asked. “What are you?!”

“Calvin, what’s wrong?” Yui asked. 

He turned back to her to find she looked perplexed at his distress. Calvin turned to point at the serpent that appeared, only for her to turn and find it gone. Calvin’s mouth was agape at the sight of the serpent appearing and vanishing from sight. Yui turned back to him to tighten her grip around his body and plead for answers.

“What did you see?” she asked. 

“S-Something-” Calvin said. “It-it-it came out of thin air.”

“What was it?” Yui asked.

“A snake,” he answered. “As shining black as a gem.”

“A snake?” Yui asked before lowering her head. “I-I think that…no…that’s horrifying!”

“What?” Calvin asked. 

“I just-” she said. “I almost-”

She gripped her head and began sobbing.

“I remember it!” Yui shouted.

“I remember-!” Yui said. “I remember the…the other side.”

“Remember what?” Calvin asked.

“Calvin…?” Yui asked. “Do you still have any canvas or paint? I remember…or at least I’m beginning to remember…what lay on the other side of this existence.”

“Yeah…” Calvin said. “You came over here a lot so…so the stuff you could paint with is somewhere in the closet downstairs.”

“Get it,” Yui said. “And hurry…it’s appearing…appearing suddenly.”

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