Chapter 14: Makoto Flashback Chapter 9: Friends (Vol. 1)

 

With the kindergarten school year being over, I was no longer working at the school with Makoto but still did have her as a client in the evenings for a couple of hours.  Tomorrow, I was actually going shopping with her and her father to practice some of the skills we've been working on it a more natural environment.  Makoto had been doing so amazing at school that, unfortunately, my work was already considering reducing my hours with her at the school for Makoto's first grade year.  To say that I felt conflicted about this was an understatement, for sure.  I agreed with my work that there were probably other kiddos, who were having a tougher time than Makoto, who needed me more than she did.  However, I was worried about how Makoto, herself, was going to handle the news.  

I glanced at my left forearm that was covered in scabs from all of the skin-picking that I had been doing due to my excessive worry about this very situation.  I knew it was a future problem but, unfortunately, that didn't prevent me from constantly thinking about it.  I wish I could force myself not to think about it but that's not how anxiety works.  Not worrying about shit wasn't really an option for me.  

I quit looking at my arm since it just made me feel bad about myself for having such a self-harming habit and, instead, began eating the food on my lap desk that had a soft bottom that made it easier for my injury-prone legs to handle weight being on them.  Most people would consider the food that I ate on a daily basis boring as fucking tits and...they would be correct.  I tried my best not to eat anything that would increase my inflammation which, usually, consisted of foods with actual flavor. Typically, I would eat a lot vegetables, fruits, lean meats, whole wheat breads and popcorn and other low-calorie snacks.  This did help make my pain a bit more tolerable, most days, but every once in a while, I'd be lying if the thought of having a frozen pizza, some chips or other foods that would make my inflammation worse, wasn't tempting.  Every once in a while, I would meet my mom for dinner or go out with Jacob and I would suck up eating the food that would make my pain worse because I didn't want to make either of them feel bad.  I would just suffer the consequences when I wasn't around them.  

For some reason, I always liked to watch tv while I ate my meals. The combination of having my mind distracted by the tv and the action of shoveling food in my mouth both kept my mind off of my pain which is why I liked doing it.  I couldn't remember the name of the show I was watching.  It was some sappy romance anime which I had a tendency to like watching once in a while as a nice change of pace from the dark, bloody and fucked up shit I usually enjoyed watching.  Sometimes, it was nice to watch a heartfelt romance anime about two people falling in love and ending up happy, together.  The concept was a bit foreign to me.  No guy had ever talked to me when I was younger and the most, I ever got out of them was pity or sympathy because they felt bad for my weird ass.  God, just thinking about my younger self made me want to throw up the food I was eating.  I could just see my stupid ass, always sitting there, with a big smile...a happy go lucky attitude...hoping that one day someone would replicate the action.  What a fucking joke that was. Still, as much shit as I talk about romance and getting a boyfriend...I did wonder what it would be like to have a companion?  Someone to eat with...workout with...enjoy anime and manga with...most of the time, I just did things by myself since I was the only one who really enjoyed them.  I told myself that I enjoyed my alone time but I pondered if that was only because realizing how pathetic and lonely I truly was would only make me feel more depressed than I already did.  

My cell phone which was on the couch next to me made a ding sound, indicating that someone had sent me a text message.  I paused the anime that I was watching and picked up my phone to see who it was.

Jacob had texted me, asking if I had given any more thought about checking out one of his lectures at the college he teaches at?  I guess he figured that since it was the summer, I would have more time to do this.  I never attended college and the thought of my ugly and creepy ass joining a lecture filled with young, attractive people, made me feel uneasy.  I would stick out like a sore thumb so I wasn't sure why Jacob was so dead set on wanting me to go to one?  I typed a message, saying that a college lecture was a bit too much for me to handle, but that we could meet for dinner sometime during the week, instead.  I knew Jacob would be understanding like he always was but, another part of me, worried about how much longer he was going to bother with me.  I was mostly joking about him fucking his other younger students but...how long until he found someone better than me...someone better looking...with a better personality...who wasn't completely physically fucking broken...and didn't suffer from several mental disorders.  Eh, he deserved to find someone 10 times better than me, anyways.  I would just end up being a burden for him if he stuck around too long.  Still, even though I hated to admit it, the thought did make my heart sink in my chest a bit.  

Ding!

I checked my phone, again, and, just like I had predicted, Jacob was perfectly fine with my response.  I saw that it was getting late, after checking the time on my phone, and forced myself to eat a bit faster, knowing I had to get enough sleep for work, tomorrow.

*

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*

"Alright Makoto, stick very close to Ms. Yuuki and I and try to do everything we say, even though it might be tough for you," primed Andy as the three of us were standing inside and towards the front of a grocery store.  

Makoto seemed distressed and, slightly, overwhelmed by being in such a large, crowded grocery store but she had been doing so well with outings in smaller stores, that Andy wanted her to try navigating a larger one with the both of us present.  Makoto began her usual, quiet, humming, as she took my hand, instead of her father’s and began, frantically, looking around her, taking in her surroundings.

"Don't worry, Ms. Yuuki and I will be with you the entire time, sweetheart," comforted Andy.  "You're just going to get a couple of groceries with Ms. Yuuki and I.  Who knows, maybe I’ll let you get something you want, if you do a really good job, today?”

Andy turned his attention to me and smiled at the sight of Makoto holding my hand.

"Thank you so much for talking to your work and getting this little outing set up during your session time, Ms. Yuuki.  Makoto has been doing so well at the smaller stores, that my wife and I really wanted to push her a little and we both thought she would be more comfortable if you were here with her.  Even though Makoto was really against the idea, when Mine and I first brought it up to her, she seemed much more excited and willing to give it a try, once we explained that you were going to be here with me to help her.”

“O-Oh, it’s not a problem at all,” I responded, forcing myself not to get awkward from the praise.  “I think this will be a really good opportunity for Makoto to try out all of the things we’ve been working on in a setting that she isn’t used to, yet.”

I looked down at Makoto, who was still holding my hand and biting on a strand of her curly hair.  It felt weird that she was holding my hand, rather than her father’s.  I couldn’t begin to understand why and Andy didn’t seem to be bothered by it at all.  Maybe, I was making too big of a deal out of it?  Still, I couldn’t blame the poor girl for being so fearful and uncomfortable in crowded places like this.  Hell, I was an adult and I still fucking hated being in crowded places.  Even on my own time, I, rarely, went to places that were crowded and when I did, I would always, strategically, go at times where the store would be less crowded.  The less people I had to deal with, the better.  In that way, it seemed like Makoto and I both were going to have to suffer through this shopping expenditure, together.  How fun.

*

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The inside of the grocery store was a bit more crowded than I was expecting for 3 in the afternoon but Makoto was doing a good job walking beside me, rather than behind me while the two of us followed her father, who was pushing the grocery cart.  She had ditched her habit of hiding behind people's legs in fear when being in public places and seemed a bit more comfortable being around a couple of people at a time.  I worried what would happen if her father and I ran into too large of a group during our grocery shopping so I did my very best to avoid just that.  

As the three of us made our way into the bread isle, Makoto’s father stopped the cart, momentarily, turned to me and said, “Hey, Ms. Yuuki, I forgot to get a couple of things from some isles we’ve already passed.  Would you mind staying with Makoto, for a minute, and help her pick out some hamburger buns?”

To be honest, I didn’t think this would be too much of a problem, considering Makoto still had a death grip on my hand but I looked down at her, anyway, to see if her father leaving her with me for a minute was causing her any stress.  Luckily, the statement didn’t seem to have any effect on her at all and she must have sensed that I was looking at her because she tilted her head up to stare at me as well.

“T-That should be fine,” I replied, trying my best to be optimistic, even thought I could feel my anxiety spike a bit.

“Okay, thank you so much; I’ll try to be as fast as possible.”

With that, Andy was gone and it was just Makoto and I standing in the bread isle.  A part of me was wondering if Andy really had forgotten some things or if he was doing this to see how Makoto would do without him being around in this kind of setting?  Either way, it was good practice for her and I figured I would give Makoto a task she could focus on so that she wouldn’t be too focused on her dad leaving.

“Hey, Makoto, remember how we learned about counting money during some of our at-home sessions?” I asked, getting her attention.

Makoto stared at me, blankly, for a second, before nodding her head, yes.

“Well, I want you to try and find the hamburger buns with the lowest price,” I challenged.  “Do you think you can do that, before your dad gets back?  I think he would be really surprised if you did.”

Makoto began humming to herself, quietly, at the demand, and looked at my hand that she was holding, even tighter, now that I had asked her to do something a bit out of her comfort zone, like this. 

Ignoring the hand pain and numbness that I was feeling as a result from this, I told Makoto, “You…uh…might have to release my hand, just while you’re looking at hamburger buns, alright?  I know it’ll be tough for you but I’ll be right beside you the entire time you’re looking so you have nothing to worry about.”

After one last painful squeeze of my hand, Makoto let go and began searching through the numerous hamburger buns we were standing next to.  I began moving my individual fingers of the hand she was just holding in an attempt to regain some feeling in them while Makoto would pick up each package of hamburger buns to check the price tag on them.  The longer she did this, the louder her humming was getting but, thankfully, we were the only two in the—

"Mayumi, is that you?" asked a voice coming from behind me that nearly made me jump out of my skin.  

I jerked around while Makoto was still studying the hamburger buns, unfazed.  Standing in front of me was probably the last person I wanted to see while I was working with a client.

"J-Jacob, what...are you doing here?" I asked, nervously.

It seemed like Jacob had just got off of work since he was still wearing a collared shirt, dress pants and had his glasses on.  His short and curly brown hair was a bit messy as well which was probably due to how windy it was outside.  He had the same clueless smile that he usually had on his face when he was talking to me, meaning he most likely had no idea I was working.  

"Well, I just had a doctor's appointment and figured I would get some groceries," he answered.  "I'm not currently teaching because it's summer so I guess you could say I'm on vacation.  It's funny...I don't think the two of us have ever ran into each other in public like this, by accident.  You look really nice, today."

Since I was, technically, working, I couldn't muster my usual sarcastic remark to him but I didn't know what else to say to him for complimenting me.  I fucking hated compliments.  

"Ms. Yuuki," Makoto interrupted as she handed me some buns, after checking all of them.  "T-They...were...least money," she said, pointing to the price tag on the package of the buns.  

Unfortunately, I was too scatter brained and stressed to double check to see if they really were the cheapest buns but, they most likely were.  

"Wow, great job, Makoto...that was a tough one since there were so many," I praised, trying to push the fact that Jacob was standing near me to the back of my mind.  

Makoto's eyes met Jacob's and the two stared at each other, awkwardly, while I felt like I was caught in the middle of a cringe inducing first meeting.

"Well, h-hello there," greeted Jacob, shyly, waving at Makoto.  

Hm, this might be good practice for her, I thought to myself trying to make light of the situation.  

"Makoto, that weird man greeted you," I reminded since she didn't seem like she was going to return the greeting.  "What do we say when someone greets us, politely?"

Makoto squinted her eyes and hummed for a second, trying to muster the courage to speak to Jacob.  

"H-Hello, m-my name is M-Makoto," Makoto introduced.  

"Wow, what an introduction," returned Jacob.  "It's nice to meet you, Makoto.  I'm Jacob.  I'm...a...friend of Ms. Yuuki."

Makoto looked at me, strangely, for a moment.

"Ms. Yuuki, you have friends?" she asked.

Gotta love the bluntness of these kiddos.

"As shocking as that might seem, yeah...I have...a couple...and he's one of them, I guess," I forced myself to say, despite it being a lie.

Jacob was the only friend I had...even then, he was less of a friend and more of a fuck buddy...regardless, I couldn't tell Makoto that. 

"Ya know, Makoto, if I didn't know any better, I would've mistaken you for Ms. Yuuki's daughter...you two look crazy similar, especially in the face," claimed Jacob.  

Makoto thought for a moment about the comment and I was curious as to what she was going to say to that. 

"Do...you love Ms. Yuuki?" asked Makoto, catching both of us off guard in the worst way possible.  "Like how mommy and daddy love each other?"

I glanced at Jacob, angrily, hoping that he would say something to counteract this but it didn't look like his stupid ass was going to do this so it was up to me.

"N-No, not quite...we're just...friends...we hang out with each other is all," I said, as Makoto didn't look convinced.

"Mommy and daddy...hang out a lot."

"W-Well, your mommy and daddy probably hang out...in different ways," I explained to the best of my ability.  

"I-I don't...get it," said Makoto, frowning at the both of us.

"Hm, Makoto do you have any stuffed animals?" questioned Jacob.

"S-Super...bunny," Makoto responded, remembering her favorite stuffed animal that she still slept with.

"Are you friends with super bunny?" 

Makoto nodded her head, yes.

Come on, Jacob, I'm counting on you, here, I thought to myself.

"Well, Ms. Yuuki and I are friends in the same way you and super bunny are.  We're always there for each other when the other needs help, feels scared or wants to talk.  We eat at restaurants together, watch movies together and things like that."

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Makoto, finally, seemed satisfied with this answer.

"So, you and Ms. Yuuki aren't like mommy and daddy.  Y-You're like...me and super bunny?  Oh, does that mean you sleep in Ms. Yuuki's bed, every night?  I c-can't sleep without super bunny."

"Well, actually, sometimes—"

The only thing stopping Jacob from continuing, was my fist hitting him right in the gut.

"Ugh," he muttered in pain, holding his stomach.

So much worse.  You made things so much fucking worse, you dildo.

"Ms. Yuuki...you punched your friend," Makoto commented, bluntly.  

I panicked, realizing what I had just done in front of Makoto.

"O-Oh, there was a really nasty spider on his stomach and I smashed it to protect him," I said, hoping Makoto would believe me.

"Y-Yep, you saved m-my life, Mayumi," confirmed Jacob, through the pain, he was experiencing.  "You got...that spider...real good."

It took Jacob a couple of seconds to regain his composure, after my punch, and I didn't want to keep this conversation going much longer, knowing Andy would return, any moment, so I figured wrapping up the conversation would be the best idea.

"W-Well...it was...such...such a joy to run into you, Jacob, but Makoto and I have to finish our grocery shopping," I said, hoping that Jacob would take a hint.  "We still have quite a bit left on our list and being in public places is a stressful thing for Makoto so I don't want to be inside of here any longer than I need to be.  Plus, her father will be back, any minute, since I’m only with them, today, as part of my job."

"O-Oh, of course...I'm sorry about taking so much of your time," apologized Jacob.  "U-Uh, before I go, w-when classes start back up again in the fall, would you want to go to one of them?"

This again? I thought to myself, annoyed so much that I found myself frowning, without realizing it.

"I know...a forensics class might not be the most interesting thing for a girl b-but...it's just...you going would mean a lot...and—"

"Jacob, I appreciate the offer but going to a college lecture is just...a lot for me...I'm sorry, I don't think I can make one.  I'm not trying to be mean but I don't want you to get your hopes up."

Jacob seemed disappointed in my answer but it didn't too long for his usual smile to return.

"W-Well, for the time being, I guess we can just hang out like we usually do.  I'm not going to give up, though."

That's reassuring.

"Well, it was super nice meeting you, Makoto," said Jacob.

I thought I would have to remind her but, to my surprise, Makoto responded with, "I-It was...nice...meeting you...too."

"Wow, nice job, Makoto...look at you getting so much better at talking to people," I complimented, smiling.

I heard Jacob chuckle and my smile disappeared, immediately.

"What's so funny?"

"O-Oh, it's just...I don't get to see your smile too often...you have a really pretty one...you should do it more.  Seeing that side of you...it makes me happy."

"Ms. Yuuki...smiles...a lot when she's...with me," interrupted Makoto, only making me feel more uncomfortable.

"Well, that must mean you're a really positive influence on her, Makoto," claimed Jacob.  "Keep taking care of Ms. Yuuki for me, alright?  Can you promise you'll keep making her smile once in a while so her face doesn't permanently get frozen in a frown?"

"I-I promise."

"Thanks, Makoto.  I hope we get to see each other, again.  See you later this week, maybe, Mayumi," finished Jacob as he, thankfully, walked away from the two of us.

A positive influence, huh?  

I looked down at Makoto as I thought about Jacob's words and whether they were true or not.

Ya know, for once, that dumb ass might actually be right.  Maybe...having Makoto in my life is a good thing?

"Okay, Makoto, sorry about that.  Your dad should be back, real soon, and when he is, we can show him the hamburger buns you picked out.  I can’t state how impressed I am that you were able to do that, all by yourself.”

Despite my praise, Makoto seemed troubled and I dreaded that it was something that Jacob or I did.

"Is something wrong?"

"Ms. Yuuki...you always tell me...to push through...challenges...because...because it makes me stronger," the small girl said, using my own words against me.  "You...said...going to one of Jacob's...lectures...would be a challenge for you...doesn't that mean...you should push through that challenge?"

I had forgotten how smart Makoto truly was and she did make a very good point, even though I hated to admit it.  The hypocrisy of me constantly pushing my clients to challenge themselves while I rarely did so was...impossible for me to deny.  It did make me feel bad but...then again...I wasn't as strong as the kids that I worked with.  

"C-Can you...try...to go to one of the lectures...for me?" asked Makoto, taking me off guard.

"I...uh...w-we'll see...okay," I said, not sure of how to respond to Makoto's challenge.  "I-I promise I'll give it some thought."

*

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A couple of minutes after Jacob had left, Andy returned and the first thing Makoto did, was show him the hamburger buns that she had picked out. 

“Wow, you picked those out, all by yourself?” asked Andy, shocked.

Makoto nodded her head, yes, before saying, “A-And we...met...Ms. Yuuki's...super bunny," Makoto said, quietly, now, once again, holding the hand that I had just regained feeling in. 

Andy looked at the both of us, strangely, and I realized just telling the truth would be easiest. 

"The two of us ran into...a friend of mine," I explained.  "Makoto was wondering if our relationship was similar to you and your wife's and...he said we were more like really close friends...like Makoto and super bunny are."

I expected to be scolded by Andy but, instead, he smiled, almost in remembrance, it seemed.

"Ya know, Mine and I...we were best friends, at one point, as well...we actually met in high school," reminisced Andy.  "I was always...kind of weak, to be honest.  I used to be picked on, constantly, until in high school this really tough Japanese girl moved to our school and began hanging out with me.  The girl was the exact opposite of me...tough...had a constant chip on her shoulder...and had no problem standing up for herself.  I never...knew what she saw in me but, to this day, I'm glad she did find something.  Sometimes, in this incredibly lonely world, the thing we need the most are friends.  Hell, even though she's my wife, I still consider Mine my best friend, as sad as it sounds."

His school experience sounded similar to mine but I forced myself not to recall my own school memories because of my burning hatred towards them.  The only thing I hated more than my present self was my past self.  

Friends, huh...they're that important? I asked myself, thinking about Andy's words.  

My mom...past psychologists...they all used to say the same thing to me.  I always told them that I never wanted friends.  That I liked to be by myself.  A part of me did like being by myself so it wasn't all a lie but...I'd be lying to myself if I had said I'd never given thought to what it would be like to have a friend to hang out with.  Someone to workout with...someone to eat with...share my hobbies with like anime and manga...someone to play video games with...and someone to just tell me that...I was okay...just the way I was.  But, all of that was pointless to think about.  Who would want to be friends with an emotionally draining fucking loser like myself, who was still heavily into anime and manga at her age...and who was completely physically and mentally broken?  Someone like me didn't deserve to have the luxury of friends.  Someone who...who was nothing but a burden.

"Anyways, thank you so much for staying with Makoto and even pushing her to pick out those hamburger buns,” Andy said, interrupting my depressing thoughts.  "Did you have fun with Ms. Yuuki, today?"

Makoto nodded her head, yes.  She looked at me.

"T-Thank you, Ms. Yuuki...for coming with us," she said, doing her best to smile.  

"Oh, it's not a problem.  Anytime.  You did really well, today, Makoto, and I definitely think you deserve a reward."

"In that case, the two of us will stop by a book store that's near our house, on our way home, and you can pick out one comic book, Makoto," offered Andy.  "First, we need to get the last couple of things on our grocery list, though.  We need to hurry so that Ms. Yuuki can go home.  I’m sure she has plans for this evening and the two of us need to tell mommy about the incredible day you had.  I’m sure she’s going to want to hear all about it.”

Yeah…plans, I thought to myself, solemnly, knowing exactly what was going to be happening, once I got back to my apartment. 

Interrupting the formation of these depressing thoughts, was Makoto, who wrapped both of her arms around my waist, hugging me, tightly.

“I…d-don’t want Ms. Yuuki…to go,” Makoto claimed, sadly.  “I-I wish…she d-didn’t have…t-to leave.”

“Ha, it’s okay, you’ll see me again, before you know it,” I comforted, hugging the small girl back, hoping this would be enough to cheer her up. 

A part of me was just as sad but not for the same reasons as Makoto.  It was because I knew that this…being there for Makoto like this…was only temporary…and, one day, I would be leaving her for good, when she no longer needed me.  It was easily the worst part of my job but…an inevitable one, at that.

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God, I feel like the epitome of death, right now, I thought to myself, holding my stomach.  

I had just gotten back to my apartment, after going to the grocery store with Makoto and her father for work; the nausea felt a bit worse than usual.  Probably because my pain had been really bad the last couple of days.  I did have three clients a day for the summer. One, early in the morning, one around noon and then Makoto in the evening.  The longer days definitely took their toll on me but I did, desperately, need the money.  Still, I felt like I could puke at any moment.  Also, on my entire way home, I couldn't help but think about what Andy had said about how important friends were in life and about how Makoto had said I needed to challenge myself more in regards to Jacob.  

The lecture thing is still a lot for me but, at the very least, I could hang out with him a little more often, I decided to myself.  It's the least I could do since Makoto is constantly challenging herself.  And, who knows, maybe, one day, I'll obtain Makoto's level of strength and be able to go to one of Jacob's lectures.  I still have a long way to go, though, to be as strong as that girl.  

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