Chapter 25: Makoto Flashback Chapter 18: No Such Thing as Heroes (Vol. 1)

Rain poured from large, grey, clouds that hovered over Minerva as she stood, by herself, at her husband's gravestone. The service was already over and everyone had left.  It was an incredibly small funeral that just consisted of Andy's friends and Minerva.  Neither Minerva or Andy had any other family members since both of their parents had passed away...well, that wasn’t entirely true.  The only remaining family member was Andy's sister, who had no interest in attending the funeral.  Minerva was completely and utterly alone, standing in the rain, as it continued to pour down on her.  Makoto was having an afternoon session with Ms. Yuuki, who arranged one with her work to help Minerva out; neither of them believed bringing Makoto to the funeral would be good for her, especially because she was having a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that she wouldn't get to see her father, again.  Not that it was any easier for Minerva, herself.  Upon learning about the news, Minerva had spent countless days and nights, uncontrollably sobbing so that, at this point, she had no more tears left to shed. She just felt...empty...empty and lost.  Her partner...her best friend...the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with was gone and she would never be able to see him again.  Not only was her present ruined but the future that she always envisioned spending with Andy was gone as well.  Minerva stared up at the dark grey clouds, overhead, that were responsible for the downpour and couldn't help but remember that day from so long ago, where the weather was nearly identical.  The day her and Andy had made a deal...no, a promise with one another.  Andy would always hold Minerva back when she needed him to and she...she...would always protect him, no matter what.  Minerva's hands balled into fists, at the thought, so tightly, that she could feel her nails digging into the palms of her hands.

"I-I couldn't...protect you, Andy," said Minerva to the gravestone that was in front of her.  "I-I p-promised I would...a-always protect you...and...I-I wasn't there when you needed me most. I-I'm sorry, Andy. I'm so sorry."

Minerva's legs felt so weak that she fell to her knees, in front of her husband's gravestone.  She grabbed the gravestone with her hands and pressed her forehead against it in the hopes that this would make her feel better.  It didn't.  How could it?  It was just a gravestone, nothing more, nothing less.  A constant reminder to her that her husband was gone. And, not only that, a brutal reminder of the way that her husband died.  The coroner's words echoed in her mind when she had visited the one that was identifying the cause of Andy's death.  30 stab wounds.  30.  30.  30. No matter how many times she repeated the damned number to herself, she just couldn't accept it.  Every time she envisioned how scared her husband was...how much pain he was in when it was happening...she just couldn't bear it.  It made her physically ill just thinking about it.  The worst part was that she believed that if she was there with him, she could have protected him but...she wasn't...he was all alone when he died. 

"Why?" asked Minerva, quietly to herself.  "Why?  Why?  Why?!  Why?!  Why?!"

Each time she asked the simple question, her voice raised, significantly. 

"Why, God?!  Why Andy?!  He...he didn't deserve this.  W-Why couldn't...it have been me, instead?  He was the better partner!  He was the better parent!  He was better than me in every way so why...why the fuck am I the one, who has to live?!  Answer me!" 

There was no response, other than the rain coming down, harder. 

"W-What am I going to do?  I-I can't raise Makoto by myself.  Andy was always the one, who was better with her.  How...how can I replace him?  I'm a terrible mother...I'm nowhere near as good of a parent as Andy was.  And...and now, Makoto has to live her life without a father.  It isn't fair!  It isn't fucking fair!  Please, God, let this be some kind of nightmare.  I beg of you.  J-Just let me wake up from it.  P-Please God, I'm fucking begging of you. Let me wake up!"

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All was dark inside of Makoto's room as I sat on the carpet, a small distance away from her.  Even though, I, technically, didn't have her as an at-home client, anymore, I offered to talk to my work about allowing me to have an afternoon session with her while her mother attended the funeral.  Luckily, my work was able to make it work, somehow.  It...was the least I could do for Minerva.  I couldn't even fathom what she must have been going through, losing her husband in such a way. 

Life can be fucking cruel, I thought to myself, as I watched Makoto, who was lying on the carpet of her room, on her side, with her hands covering her ears, just like I did when I got stressed. 

In a way, it was like looking in a mirror, with Makoto representing a younger version of myself. 

Why...why would God let a broken...useless piece of fucking shit like myself live and, instead, kill a loving father and husband?  It makes no damn sense.  Makoto, if I could trade my life for Andy's, I would do it in a fucking heartbeat, without a second of hesitation. 

As if Makoto could hear my thoughts, she began humming, quietly, to herself.  It was at times like these, where I wish I could have been a mind reader, so I could understand what was going on through this poor girl's head.  This would allow me to actually be fucking useful and help her but no.  All I could do was, pathetically, watch over her while giving her some distance while, violently, picking the skin on my left forearm with the index finger and thumb of my right hand, internally wishing for my death, over and over, again. The more hate that poured into my mind, the more viscous the picking became. 

"Ms. Yuuki," mumbled Makoto, sadly, still not facing me.

Her saying my name startled me so much that it made me realize that both the index finger and thumb of my right hand were covered in blood and skin. 

"Ms. Yuuki.  Ms. Yuuki.  Ms. Yuuki."

Makoto kept repeating my name over and over again to herself. 

Why...why is she saying my name? I asked myself.  I-Is it because saying it calms her down? 

I glanced down at my forearm which was covered with fresh, bloody pick marks, covering the scarring of the old ones.  I rolled up the sleeve of my long-sleeve shirt in embarrassment and decided that I would wait to wash the blood off my index finger, thumb and forearm.  Just...just in case, my presence was helping this poor girl in some way...even though, a presence like mine shouldn't have been.

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"Ow, fuck, that stings," I complained to myself, silently, while inside of the house's bathroom.  

I was rinsing off the blood that was covering my left forearm from all of the relentless picking I was doing and as soon as the water hit the marks, my entire arm jumped in pain.  I had to endure it, though, especially, since Minerva was nice enough to allow me to use the restroom when she got back from the funeral.  Just seeing the look on her face when she walked through the front door of the home was enough to make me want to resume my picking.  As soon as all of the blood was off of my forearm, thumb and index finger, I dried them, carefully, with a hand towel, and pulled down the sleeve of my shirt so that it was covering my fucked-up forearm.  

Minerva probably wouldn't let me anywhere near her daughter if she saw what my arm looked like, I assumed to myself, sadly.  None of the parents would let me near their kids if they knew what kind of mentally fucked up person was helping them.

All of the fresh sores on my forearm began stinging as I made my way out of the bathroom.  I walked into the living area of the home and saw that Minerva was sitting at her kitchen table, drinking some kind of red wine.  I wasn't familiar with wine...or alcohol, for that matter.  The judgmental side of me couldn't help but wonder if having a drink was the right decision when Makoto was still upstairs but it definitely wasn't my place to say anything.  Plus, someone like me could never understand what she's going through, right now.  She just lost her husband, after all.  

"Are you heading out, Ms. Yuuki?" asked Minerva, looking up from her wine glass.  

"Y-Yeah, I was going to u-unless you need me to stay, any longer?"

Minerva shook her head, no, slowly, and responded with, "No, you've already done more than enough.  I-I can't thank you enough for watching over Makoto while I attended the funeral.  It...was probably for the best that she wasn't there.  How was she...while I was gone?" 

"She's barely said a word," I answered, honestly.  "Makoto's just been lying on her side, upstairs, in her room.  I kept her room dark and gave her a little bit of space to make her feel more comfortable.  I just imagine it'll take some time for her to process what's happening."

"Yeah, for her and me both," grumbled Minerva as she took a sip of her red wine.  

After putting the wine glass down on the table, Minerva got up from her chair and made her way to her purse that was on the kitchen counter.  She began shuffling through it until she found her wallet which made me realize what she was trying to do.

"Oh no, please, I...don't need any extra money," I claimed, convincingly.  "I-I already get paid through my work for doing the session."

"But, you've been watching her for a while and it's almost 30 minutes after the session was supposed to end.  On top that, I'm assuming Andy's sister didn't help in any way."

That's right.  An adult always needed to be in the house with me while I was doing session with Makoto and since Minerva would be gone, she had convinced Andy's sister or Makoto's aunt to be present during the session.  To be honest, I had forgotten about her presence at the house mainly because of how short her introduction was and how she had headed to the guest room as soon as I arrived.  It almost seemed like she wanted nothing to do with Makoto and I both.  

As if she could read my mind, Minerva said, "Hopefully, she wasn't too much of a bitch to you.  Her and Andy were never very close, which explains why she wasn't interested in attending the funeral, and to say that she isn't a big fan of me is an understatement.  To make matters worse, she's made it perfectly clear that she has no interest in being a part of Makoto's life.  Unfortunately, she's the only family Makoto has, outside of Andy and I.  Makoto doesn't have any grandparents or uncles...just her.  I'm kind of surprised she even bothered being here but I guess as long as I was paying her, she was willing to do anything."

As much as what I was hearing irritated me, I decided to switch topics back to the payment.  Someone like me, in my position, had no right to get involved in family affairs.  

"Really, the extra payment isn't necessary.  I just hope I was able to provide some relief to that poor girl while you were gone.  Hell, I barely even did anything.  I don't deserve your money.  Besides, it might be a better idea to use that money to buy something to cheer Makoto up, rather than waste it on me."

Luckily, and much to my relief, Minerva stopped searching through her purse.  For the first time since she had returned from the funeral, she had what resembled a smile on her face.  

"Andy...always said that you were a blessing for this family and...he was right.  All of the progress that Makoto's made...at the house...at the school...even in the outside world, it's because of you and your time with her.  Not to mention, all of the extra effort you made so that this session could happen, means so much to me.  It...makes me...so happy that there's still someone alive that cares about Makoto as much as I do...as much as Andy did.  I-I hope you don't mind me saying this but...you would make such a great mother...actually, you'd most likely be a better mother to Makoto than Andy's sister and I could ever hope to be."

U-Uh, where's this coming from? I, internally, panicked.  I-Is the wine working that fast?  Has all of the grief gotten to this poor woman's head and is making her say crazy shit?  I'd be a terrible fucking mother.  I can't even take care of myself, let alone a kid.  What kid would want such a frail, depressed, introverted, weak and pathetic excuse for a human being as a mom?  W-What the hell do I even say to this?  Fuck, I hate consoling people!  I'm shit at it.

"Uh, look, I really appreciate you saying that but...I can't really agree with me being a good mother.  There's more to it than simply being able to work with children.  You need to be strong, mentally and physically...you need to have your life together, you need to be able to protect your child with your life and so many other things I could never do for a child if I had one.  You, however, are one of the strongest women I've ever met, Mrs. Lee.  There's not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that you'll do a great job raising Makoto by yourself.  A-And if you need me to do afternoon sessions with Makoto once in a while, just let me know and I'll do everything I can to make it happen.  Try to have more faith in yourself as a mother, if you can?  I wish there was more that I could do but—"

Once again, my least favorite thing happened before I could finish my sentence.  Yep, that's right.  Another hug, this time from Minerva, who had rushed over to me to wrap her arms around me, before I could finish my thought.  Unsure of whether it was appropriate of me to hug back or not, I just stood there, awkwardly, until she released the hug.  

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"Ms. Yuuki...you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for," Minerva said to herself, now that Makoto's Behavioral Interventionist was gone. 

Minerva stared at her halfway empty wine glass in disappointment...mostly, with herself. 

This isn't the time to be drinking, she told herself, judgmentally.  Hell, I rarely ever drink because I think it's stupid.  Starting now...just because of what happened with Andy...would be pointless. 

Minerva got up from the dinner table, picked up her wine glass that was still halfway full and made her way to the kitchen sink.  She dumped what remained of the red wine into the sink and left the wine glass, soaked with water, in the sink, so she could wash it later, when she felt like it. 

Haha, I always hated doing the dishes...I've been living good for so long since Andy would always wash them for me.  Now, not only do I have to cook, I have to wash the dishes, afterwards, as well. What a pain in the ass. Oh well, I guess it serves me right for being a lazy ass. 

As Minerva walked away from the sink, she couldn't help but notice how quiet it was in the house, without her husband around.  It felt weird to her...unnatural, in every way.  She hated the quiet.

"Is the silence ever going to become more bearable?" she asked herself.  "Or, is it just going to be a consistent reminder that Makoto and I are all alone, now?  Also, as stressful as it's going to be, I need to figure out how to make more money because I don't think my boxing is going to earn me enough to pay for all of the bills.  I've gone from splitting them, to having to pay them all myself.  Hell of a fucking transition.  I might have to cut some corners...at the very least, I want to make sure I have enough to pay for Ms. Yuuki's services since she's—"

Footsteps coming down the stairs, that led to the second floor of the home, interrupted the uncomfortable silence that Minerva was just complaining about.  The heaviness of the footsteps assisted Minerva in deducing, who it was.  

"Leaving so soon?" called out Minerva, bitterly, as the woman, who looked slightly older than her, stopped at the front door.  

"That woman left, right?" answered Andy's sister, coldly.  "No point in me staying here, any longer.  Not like I'm getting paid to.  Just mail me a check with what you owe me for babysitting the little retard."

"How can you say that about your own niece?!

Minerva could feel herself losing her tempter but managed to calm herself down, realizing how pointless getting mad at a woman like her would be.  

"I barely know the brat.  I only looked after her because I had no interest in attending my dumb ass brother's funeral...oh, and for the paycheck."

"You know that you're the only family, other than me, that Makoto has, right?  If something were to happen to me—"

"Then I'd let an orphanage deal with the little shit.  She's not my problem.  Anyways, good luck taking care of her by yourself.  I'm sure you'll be mother of the year in no time."  

With that, Andy's sister left the home, via the front door, letting it shut, loudly, behind her.  

Why does that woman have to be such a massive bitch?  Andy mentioned the two didn't get along, growing up, but just left it at that.  He never gave me any more details about her other than that she didn't like me for some reason and that she had no interest in being there for Makoto.  Hm.

Thump!

Minerva stared at the ceiling, after hearing the noise that came from upstairs, towards Makoto's room. This caused a feeling of panic to shoot throughout Minerva's body as she began rushing up to Makoto's room, worried that she had hurt herself or worse.  Without knocking, she barged into Makoto's room, in fear of what the noise was.  Makoto's normally organized and clean room was now a mess with all of the comic books that Andy had lent and boughten for Makoto, scattered across her carpet, in addition to the shelf that held the comic books being tipped over.  Minerva figured that was the noise that she heard which was a relief for her since it meant that Makoto hadn't hurt herself.  Minerva heard the noise of something being ripped apart and realized that Makoto was tearing up the comic books with a scowl on her face that was also, full of tears.  Now that she took a closer look, Minerva observed that many of the comic books that were scattered around her room were incredibly torn up.  Minerva was at a loss on what to do in this situation.  Makoto was, rarely, misbehaved and hardly ever engaged in destructive behavior like this.  At the same time, Minerva couldn't help but feel angry towards Makoto's behavior, especially because of how much the comic books meant to her husband.  How could her daughter destroy something that meant so much to Andy?  This was the only thing on Minerva's mind. 

Minerva was going to scold Makoto for her behavior but stopped when she heard Makoto say, "No such thing.  No such thing.  No such thing."

She kept repeating this to herself, causing Minerva to regain her composure, slightly.

"Makoto, why would you rip up daddy's comic books like this?  You know how much they meant to him.  I know you're upset but—"

"They're not real!" shouted Makoto back, angrily. "It's all lies! A-All of it! H-Heroes don't exist!"

Minerva was in utter shock, after her daughter had shouted at her for the first time in her life but, after getting over the initial shock, the words Makoto were saying were beginning to make sense to Minerva as well. 

"No such thing! No such thing as heroes! I-If they w-were real, t-they would have s-saved daddy! No one came to save daddy!  Stupid heroes!  Stupid, w-worthless heroes!  I hate them!  I hate them all!"

As Makoto continued tearing up the comic book in her hand and insulting the super heroes she used to love so much, just like her father did, Minerva recalled what Ms. Yuuki had told her about the meltdowns that kids with Autism have some times.

Kids with autism usually have some really nasty meltdowns and tantrums.  Typically, they involve a lot of yelling, destruction and irrational statements and thoughts.  It's...hard to explain but they aren't really in their right mind while having these meltdowns.  Their poor minds can't keep up with all of the thoughts inside of them and it overwhelms them, causing them to, metaphorically, explode.  I can promise you that the things the kids do and say during these meltdowns, aren't things they actually want to do or actually mean.  They're just confused.  And...after it's all done, they're going to be super sad about their actions and feel bad about what they've just done or said.  It's a vicious cycle that I've seen so many times...more than I can count. All you can do is be there for them, even if they don't want you to be. Makoto may seem like she has it all together, right now, but just remember, that one day something might happen that makes her feel overwhelmed and this could lead to a meltdown of some kind. I know it’ll be hard...it's always hard for parents...but...try to be patient with her and just remember she does love you, no matter what she says or does. 

Minerva let out a large sigh in an attempt to calm herself down, further, and made her way towards her daughter, who was still tearing pages out of one of her husband's comic books. Minerva sat on the carpet in front of her, took the comic book out of Makoto's hands and wrapped her arms around her to comfort her. Makoto, initially, struggled a bit, making a loud humming noise while trying to break out of the hug to rip up more comic books. 

"It's alright, Makoto," said Minerva, quietly.  "I know you miss daddy.  I do too.  So much. We...still got each other, though, and I know that if daddy was still here, he would want us to do our best." 

Minerva could feel Makoto's struggling lessen.  It was hard for her to tell whether this was because she was calming down or if she was running out of energy from the meltdown. 

"I'll...move the comic books out of your room, okay?  That way, you don't have to look at them, anymore.  Maybe, we can find you some other books you might really enjoy?"

"M-Mommy, why...why didn't anyone come to s-save daddy?" Makoto questioned, breaking into tears, finally.  "It's n-not fair.  I-I want t-to see daddy, again."

"I wish I could make that happen for you, so much, sweetheart."

While Makoto began to settle down, Minerva noticed that her daughter's sketchbook had been ripped up, as it sat on her little writing table.  She didn't have any proof but she believed that Makoto had tried to do some writing to make herself feel better and lost it, reading the comic book she, herself, had been writing.  This caused her to not only rip up her own comic book but the other ones as well. 

"Makoto, did I ever tell you how much your daddy enjoyed reading your stories?  He loved reading them...every...single...one.  He said he couldn't wait for you to, one day, be a successful little writer. For his sake, please, don't stop writing, completely, especially because you love to do it so much."

"W-What's the p-point?" asked Makoto, sadly. "D-Daddy can't r-read them, anymore."

"Yeah, but think of all the other people, who love reading them too.  Ms. Yuuki.  Jason.  And, more than anything, I'd love to start reading them, myself."

"M-Mommy, y-you're always t-too busy to read them."

Makoto was right.  Minerva hated to admit it but she was.  She had failed Makoto as a mother because she was always too busy with her boxing.  Boxing...her passion, that had been a part of her life for as long as she could remember.  She put it above, even her own daughter, as terrible as it sounded. Maybe, she could have afforded to make that mistake when Andy was still alive but, now that he was gone...

"Makoto, y-you're right.  Mommy has always been too busy because of her work.  I've missed so many important moments in your life because of my own selfish reasons.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  But, that all ends, now, okay?  I'm...I'm quitting boxing...for good.  I'll never do another fight.  That way, I can, hopefully, be the mother that you've always deserved.  I know that isn't much but...it's the best that I can do."

By this point, Makoto's entire body had relaxed and she was burying her face into her mother's stomach, exhausted.  The meltdown had run its course and the small girl hardly had any energy left in her. The only muffled word that Makoto kept repeating was "sorry." 

Andy, I wasn't there to protect you when you needed me most...but I promise...no, I swear on my life, that I will be there to protect Makoto when she needs me the most, Minerva thought to herself.

Being able to tell that her daughter was starting to drift off to sleep, Minerva began singing, softly, "You are my sunshine.  My only sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are gray.  You’ll never know dear how much I love you.  Please don't take my sunshine away."

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