Chapter 1: Dreaming in Fantasies

The door swung open, and a young woman with flowing black strands spilled into the room. 

"You are finally home! I have been so lonely without you," she called out as she fell dramatically across the bed. The clothes and other necessities that had been strewn across the mattress were pressed under her weight. 

“Tsk,” Erdem frowned at his friend flung over his belongings, “Stop being dramatic. You were also away for the school year. Been so lonely without you, my ass.” 

Liv lifted her head and stared at her friend; a cheeky smile spread across her face as she giggled awkwardly, “Well… it’s been so long since I’ve seen your handsome face.” Liv picked her limbs up and gradually moved to the edge of the bed to sit, “I am not leaving until you tell me everything that has happened in the year that we have been apart!” 

Erdem tried his very best not to roll his eyes directly at his friend. 

Liv was sitting on the side of the bed, watching Erdem put his things away. Both of them had gotten into their preferred universities, in their desired fields. The only problem was that these life-long friends had to separate for the first time and go to different cities. They had called each other weekly and texted daily, but it wasn’t the same as sitting in the same room and talking face-to-face with the person they missed. 

Even though they had discussed all of this already, they started over from the beginning, as if standing before the person somehow made the information they were re-sharing different. Except there was one snippet that Liv hadn’t shared yet, “And… there is this boy…”

Erdem’s hands stilled as he turned back to look at Liv, the shirt and hanger halfway to the closet. A wide smile on his face, “You also met someone!” 

Liv’s eyes brightened, excitement evident in the lines of her face, “You met someone! Tell me everything about him?!” 

Erdem laughed at his friend's enthusiasm, “I interrupted you. Tell me about your man first.” 

Liv: “No, I lied. I was being dramatic again. It’s Dorian, you know about him already. I think he's cute and have been flirting hard with him, but you already know everything. Now, who is this boy?!”

Erdem turned back to the closet and hung the hanger in his hand. As he walked back to the bed, he casually said, “His name is Off, he is older than me, and he is extremely handsome.”

Liv could practically see the stars in Erdem’s eyes, “How did you two meet?”

Erdem: “Club day. I was walking around with some friends from my department, looking at all the different clubs, and I saw him. I went over, and we talked, and the rest is history.” 

Liv watched her friend's face light up, “I miss the days when we used to have crushes on the same people. At least then I would know what they looked like.” 

Erdem tried his hardest to hold back some of his smile, “He… did say that he would visit me over the summer. So you can meet him then…” 

“AHHHH!” Liv cried out as she leapt off the bed and ran at her friend, throwing her arms around him and jumping up and down, “YES! Or we can creep him on social media?” 

The rest of the night was spent putting away Erdem’s things and gossiping. They did have an entire school year to catch up on, not just for themselves but everyone they had gone to high school with. It wasn’t until the early hours of the morning that they had finally closed their eyes and fallen asleep. 

Since it was the first day of summer break, they got to sleep in. It was well into the afternoon before either of them stirred. The sun was blinding as it streamed directly into their window from its height in the sky, falling over their faces and making it hard to continue sleeping. 

Erdem squinted and groaned as he attempted to sit up. He had hoped to beat Liv home so he could have one restful day before she exploded into his life again. But somehow, she managed to get back to their small town first. 

The early days of summer were almost as vibrant as the flowers that coloured the landscape. It was filled with hope and the promise of vitality. Erdem was excited about the break, and every time he thought about the impending arrival of Off his heart couldn’t help but beat rapidly. 

It didn’t take long for everything to fall back into place. Erdem got his old part-time job back at the cafe in town, while Liv worked at the bakery across the street. They both woke up each morning and went together, similar to when they were in high school, as though they hadn’t left and been apart for nearly a year. 

It was late morning by the time they had rolled out of bed and gathered themselves. Liv had her arm hooked around Erdem’s as they walked down the street. The sun was glaring as though showing off its radiant beauty after a long, dreary winter. Erdem squinted his eyes as they walked. 

“Are you busy this weekend?” He asked. 

Liv, who had spaced out, took a few moments to process his words, “You mean… tomorrow?”

Erdem turned his head and looked at her, “Mn.”

“I don’t think I have anything planned. Why? Do you want to do something?” Liv asked, her eyes lighting up.

“Yeah! I want to learn how to skateboard!” Erdem responded. 

“Sure,” Liv giggled. Still holding onto his arm, Liv watched Erdem from the corner of her eye. He had never been the most coordinated person, and she wondered where this sudden idea to learn how to skateboard had come from. 

However, for Erdem, it was not sudden; it was not a spontaneous thought conjured up in the moments that existed before one fully fell asleep, when the mind always seemed most active. But rather, it had been discussed, picked apart, deliberated on during his time at university. He had many conversations with Off in which they would talk about the things they had always wanted to do. 

It wasn't until those late-night conversations that Erdem realized the privileges he had growing up in a small village in the countryside. He had always seen the simple life as a hindrance, a shackle that needed to be shed from his body, like a reptile shedding its outer skin. It was something he needed to rid himself of in order to excel in life and become more than the seemingly wretched lives of the people around him. 

Yet, he had been afforded time and freedom to explore. As a child, he ventured into the tall grass, scraped his knees, and climbed whatever was in his path. He had been so wrapped up in his tiny world that he had never thought about those outside of it, until Off would tell him about his childhood spent in the city. He may have been more affluent than Erdem, but Off did not have the same opportunities to play. 

So they talked and grew closer; they detailed all the things they had yet to experience in this life. They were trivial, at most, these activities. But they had filled their nights with the most enchanting conversations, as their imaginations ran wild with the thought of doing these things together. 

It had only been a few weeks, and Erdem was not expecting Off to come so soon - although that didn’t stop him from hoping. Yet, every night before he fell asleep his thoughts would be filled with their time together. Images overlapped as one faded into the next, and voices echoed their long-lost conversations.

The sun seemed to rise earlier the next day, casting its brilliance onto the world. In a tangle of arms and legs, Liv and Erdem attempted to skateboard. Most of the time, they ended up knocking each other over and spent it laughing on the ground. They were a sight to see, making the entire thing a spectacle. 

However, Erdem never relaxed between his falls. His shoulders never slouched forward slightly; instead, his posture stayed upright as though the tension in his body were visible externally. Every few minutes, he would glance around, making sure to look into every corner as though he were looking for something - or someone. 

At the end of the day, it was only Erdem and Liv in that skateboard park, never letting go of each other’s hands as they rolled up and down the inclines, bright laughter following behind them. 

Much like their laughter, the summer had started brilliantly. The sun shone, and the days passed by in unbearable heat. It seemed like the rain clouds that usually chased away the heat for a moment of reprieve were shy this year. 

“Your bruises are starting to fade,” Erdem said, poking Liv’s arm as the purple colour started to pale, morphing into a yellowish-green. 

“Ow!” Liv yelled. It was more so out of reflex than it actually hurt, but she still swung her head around and glared at her friend nonetheless. 

Erdem burst out into laughter at the expression on her face. After he had calmed himself down some, he asked, “Come over tonight and let's watch a movie?”  

“If you stop poking my bruises, I will do anything,” Liv blinked innocently, changing the expression on her face to try and act cute. 

It was only met with another chuckle, “Okay!”

After they had walked a few more steps, Erdem turned to his friend, “Oh yeah, are there any foreign movies you want to watch? Let’s pick something not in our language.” 

Liv silently watched her friend from the corner of her eye, again. It was just as innocent of a suggestion as skateboarding, but having known Erdem for most of her life, these didn’t seem like ideas he would come up with on his own. 

As time waned and the hours ticked by, Liv and Erdem were finally released from their shifts that day. Erdem walked out of the cafe with two coffees in hand, and Liv left the bakery with all sorts of treats for them to eat that evening. 

“I found a few dramas that looked good when I was at work,” Liv said, “One is a Turkish drama about Vampires. Another is a historical South Korean drama about a king who is in love with his general. Or, a Spanish trilogy of movies about a police officer catching a killer.” After a momentary pause, she added, “There was a polish show about a forest.” 

Erdem listened to the suggestions while they walked home, “Obviously vampires, and… maybe the king who loves his general?”

“Good choices,” Liv said, shifting the cake in her hands. 

As the unknown words filled the room with drama and the music, which accompanied each scene, pushed the suspense of the plot along, Erdem felt like something was missing. 

The night was fun as both struggled to stay awake to watch the films, and his heart was overflowing as he sat beside his best friend and tried to sneak bites of whichever snack she was eating. His emptiness derived from a more abstract loss. It wasn't immediate, but a gradual decline. Something that seemed to occur to him the longer they stayed awake and watched the animated people scurry across the screen. 

His hands seemed cold, more so than usual, but there was no place that he could put them that would keep them warm. His teeth ached for the sweets, but his hand bringing the snack to his mouth never seemed as delicious as someone else doing it for him. As the night progressed, Erdem's head started to feel heavy, yet Liv's shoulder was never comfortable no matter which position he tried. 

Erdem had never been so disoriented while watching a film before. Though he had been facing the screen and watching as the images played along with the story, he wasn’t paying attention. So when the credits rolled on the final film, and they were well into the night, he hadn’t noticed. The only thing he was certain of was that his heart ached, and he felt a little lonely. 

Liv had practically grown up in the house alongside Erdem and didn’t wait for the other to curl up into his bed and close her eyes. They talked for a bit about the movies until their exhaustion overtook them and forced their eyes closed, falling asleep mid-sentence. 

When they finally woke up the next day, the birds had already been singing for hours, and the sun was nearly at its peak in the sky. Liv was the first to get up, and as she untangled herself from the blankets and stretched as she stood, her eyes swept over Erdem’s desk. She walked towards it; amongst the many pages and notebooks that were strewn across the top, there was a list. 

The first listed was Learn how to skateboard, while below it was Stay up all night watching movies in a language you don't understand, both of which were crossed off. Underneath those were a few more, Jumping off a cliff into a body of water; Going into a field of wildflowers and making a crown; Running as fast as you can down a hill; and, Turning your lights off while driving down a gravel road at night. Her brows furrowed as she read the list before her gaze slowly moved back to the head poking out from under the pile of blankets. 

The reality of time was imminent and rather quick at that. Erdem felt like he had only just gotten home by the time a month and a half passed. The heat of summer was starting to reach its peak, permeating and slowing down all aspects of life. Their jobs turned into hassles as they brought them out into the heat; the humidity clung to the air and made the world feel heavy as their feet carried them. Both worked steadily, neither having any big plans for the summer vacation. 

“Do you have any plans for tonight?” Erdem asked Liv, fanning his shirt to try to cool himself off as they walked to work one morning. Even though the sun had just coloured the horizon, the heat was already unbearable. 

“Yes. Finding any and every ice cube and burying myself underneath them,” Liv answered. 

Erdem laughed as he watched the grumpy look on his friend's face. Liv had never been able to handle the heat; for the entire summer, she would wear a permanent grimace on her face as she sweated profusely and sought out anything ice cold. 

“Let's go for a drive after work? I feel like doing something,” Erdem said. Although he knew the answer, he still felt nervous when he asked. 

Liv looked over at her friend, “Okay.”

The rest of their walk was filled with idle chatter and as they approached the intersection, they went their separate directions toward their respective shops. Liv felt like she was melting all day; the air conditioner in her shop barely kept the heat out every time the door opened. Whereas Erdem felt like he would become a shadow of his former self, sweating everything until he became a husk. 

As the sun began its descent, moving slowly towards the horizon, the heat started to wane. By the time they finished work, the sun was still glaring, but the heat had subsided a fraction. 

They slowly made their way home, not having the energy to move faster than a trudge, "I am going to eat something light and then shower. I should be over to pick you up in an hour?" 

Liv, whose entire body felt heavy and her soul weak, glanced at her friend with a frown. "Have mercy on me," She pleaded, "It was so hot today I don't even understand how I'm still alive! I am going to need at least two hours." 

Erdem chuckled at her misgivings, "Alright. I will come pick you up in two hours."

Erdem reached out a hand, stopping his friend and turning her towards him, "Do you want me to carry you the rest of the way?" 

As though a dehydrated person had just been offered water for the first time in days, Liv could cry. "YES!" She wailed as she threw her bag at Erdem and jumped on his back.

Erdem was tall and lean, having the physic of someone who played sports when, in reality, he was too uncoordinated to ever do so. Liv was almost a whole head shorter than him, and he wasn't quite ready for her jump, nearly toppling over.  

Since the days were unbearably warm and the nights had a comfortable chill to the breeze, Erdem had gone to the rich uncle at the end of the street and borrowed his car. Erdem had no idea about cars, only knowing that the rich uncle had a convertible and it would be nice to have the cold night air rush around them. 

Honk! Honk!

Liv was startled by the horn; she was pulling her hair into a ponytail before checking her outfit in the mirror on her way downstairs. 

"Tsk," Liv watched herself in the reflection, "He is early!" She quickly twisted the elastic around her hair and grabbed her bag off the bed. Running down the stairs, she shouted after her parents, saying her goodbyes she opened the front door and stopped in her tracks. Erdem was sitting in the driver's seat of a shiny, black convertible. He was looking at the front door, waiting for Liv. Once he had seen her, he couldn't help the large smile that spread across his face. 

Erdem stretched his arm out and moved it along the passenger seat, showing off the car. "Your ride awaits, my lady!" Erdem shouted at his friend, watching as Liv took tentative steps away from her front door. 

"Why was this necessary?" She asked as she approached the car. 

"I want the wind on my face," Erdem said, "plus, I thought you would enjoy it after almost melting away today." 

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Liv couldn't argue with that. She ran down the few steps in front of her house before jogging to the car. Once she was seated inside, Erdem pulled the car away from the curb and merged into traffic. 

“Is there anywhere, in particular, you wanted to go? Or just drive?” Liv asked as she watched the many buildings that lined the streets blur together.

“Just drive,” Erdem answered. There was a quiver to his voice as though something were hiding just under the surface. It was a lie. Erdem was not in the convertible on accident, and there was a destination he had in mind. However, the longer summer stretched on, and the more time that passed without Off coming, Erdem found himself trying to fill his spare time with thoughts of him. Although they couldn’t spend the time together, Erdem could at least do things that would remind him of Off. 

“Mn.” Liv glanced at her friend in the driver’s seat but said nothing, instead turning her head to look back out the window as the world whirled by. 

As they turned down random streets and drove along roads, the sun started to set. Liv watched as pinks and oranges smeared across the sky until all the colour had drained, and they were enclosed by darkness. 

Her eyes filled with the twinkling, starry night sky as Erdem drove out of town. 

“I want to try something,” He said. A hint of a smile rested on his face. 

Erdem switched the lights off, and the world around them fell into complete darkness. 

“What are you doing?!” Liv said a little too sternly, panic evident in her voice, “Turn the lights back on! We both saw that movie. I don’t want to end up with missing limbs! Unless you want to have memory loss!?”

“Calm down,” Erdem said, “I am going so slow nothing would happen even if we crashed into some farm equipment.” 

“Not funny,” Liv glared at her friend. 

The car was crawling forward, and the night was dark. Liv couldn’t help the anxiety knotting itself around her stomach, whereas Erdem was only thinking of Off. 

Wouldn’t it be something to drive along at night and just cut the lights? Putting your arms into the air, the wind pressing against them, as you glide through the darkness… 

It had been something Off had mentioned in passing. A want, something he had thought of in that moment of conversation but probably not something he had ever spent any more time thinking about. Yet, Erdem couldn’t stop remembering, his mind always going back to those moments of idle conversation. 

A few butterflies fluttered in his chest as Erdem took his hands off the wheel and gradually put them in the air. They were not going fast enough for the air to push against his arms; it was more like a gentle breeze after the heat of that day. 

As if some small part of Off would slip through and fall to Erdem, he placed his arms in the air and waited. Yet nothing happened; the car moved forward with only Erdem and Liv inside. 

Erdem felt disappointed when he grasped the wheel again and flicked on the lights. But more so, he felt ridiculous. 

“Let's go home?” Erdem said as he glanced over at Liv. 

Liv: “Okay.” 

It had slipped her mind. A month, at least, had passed since she had seen the list on Erdem’s desk. She had thought nothing of it; all the things listed made no sense to her. Yet as he watched her friend switch the lights off and slowly raise his hands in the air, she was reminded of the activities that had been written down. 

Turning your lights off and driving down a gravel road at night. 

What was Erdem doing? 

The rest of the summer passed similarly to that night, Off had yet to come, and Erdem was starting to feel ridiculous for getting his hopes up in the first place. They had never made definite plans over the summer, and when they parted at the end of the school year, they knew they were going in opposite directions. Erdem had just hoped that the few comments Off had made about maybe having some time to visit were true. Yet, as the summer waned and the nights began to cool with the familiar autumn air, it started looking like his hope would be for nothing. 

“Hey, let's do something this weekend?” Liv said as she bumped her shoulder into Erdem, getting his attention. 

They were walking home from work that night; the sky was dyed with a tint of pink. The end of summer was coming, and Erdem had lost his smile for the past few weeks. Liv had noticed; shortly after their car ride, his attitude seemed to shift. There wasn’t anything outwardly wrong with him; however, he seemed to smile less, which made him appear more melancholy lately. 

“Hmm…” Erdem hesitated, “What did you want to do?” 

“I don’t care. Anything!” Liv said. 

They walked a few more steps, the setting sun shining brightly before them. Erdem thought about the list on his desk and Off’s handsome face as he talked about all the things he had wanted to do. 

As if chasing after the other, Erdem said, “I want a field full of flowers.” 

Liv was taken aback, “Sure.”

It wasn’t until she had made her way home, sitting on her bed towel drying her hair, that she remembered the list. She couldn’t remember the exact words, but she did remember it having something to do with a hill and wildflowers. 

The weekend came quickly. They had gathered a few things for the drive but had decided to stop along the way for snacks when they got hungry. Trying to find the roads that would lead into forested or mountainous areas, Erdem planned a route, and they started to drive. 

The closer they got, the more he started to feel nervous in a way he couldn’t figure out.

The road stretched before them, and the car moved forward; yet, Erdem’s heart seemed stuck back at his university. 

Liv was never short on things to talk about, and the car ride was filled with bright laughter and the latest gossip. It seemed like her love life was also fizzling out; neither had been able to survive the summer heat. 

The first field they passed didn’t have enough flowers; only a few colours dotted the ditches along the highway. The second one had more tree cover and was overrun by ferns. It wasn’t until they had come to the third field, thirty-five minutes away, that they had found one with enough wildflowers. 

Erdem parked the car. He walked with Liv to the field, their hands brushing over the soft petals displaying their bright colours openly. 

Erdem looked up at Liv, his eyes turning up at the corners from the smile on his face, “Do you know how to make a flower crown?” 

Liv laughed, “Who do you think I am?!” 

“Just thought I would try! Maybe you learned how to be a girl over the school year,” Erdem answered.

Liv playfully pushed her friend and then sat down. They both started to pick flowers, Erdem going and getting the colours that were not close to where Liv had chosen to sit. Then she pulled out her phone, searching for how to make a flower crown. 

“Oh. So you twist that around, and then bring the end over…” Erdem muttered to himself as his fingers twisted the stem of one flower around another. 

Liv had only arranged her bundle of flowers into a nice bouquet; instead, she watched her friend intently. 

Time was such a fickle thing, and Erdem’s heart had endured its tribulations. He had done all the things they had talked about. He went to the places that Off had mentioned as if those spots were holding onto pieces of him. If only he went to enough of them and gathered all those pieces together, he could somehow make Off appear faster. That he somehow wouldn’t have to wait any longer, that he wouldn’t have to be lonely anymore. 

And yet all that existed between them was a brief interlude; a few months spent sitting beside each other in a lecture hall and eating the occasional meal together. There was no grand declaration of love nor anything remarkable about their meet-cute. They were simply two people who happened to exist in the same space at the same time. 

And yet, within the absence created by his leaving, Erdem couldn't breathe. 

“AHH!” Erdem yelled as he threw the flowers onto the ground. His fingers were not agile, and he had crushed the stems in an attempt to connect the fourth flower. 

“What are you doing? What is actually going on,” Liv asked, finally. 

Erdem looked up, tears had already gathered along the rims of his eyes, and his emotions were turbulent behind the light brown that circled his irises. 

“It’s dumb, and I don’t even know why I'm upset,” Erdem took a deep breath before he looked at his friend sheepishly and continued, quietly, “But, Off never came.”

Liv’s eyes got slightly wider, “So… all of this was… because some boy didn’t visit you over summer break?!” 

Erdem: “Stop! When you say it like that, it sounds terrible!”

Erdem was playing with the destroyed flowers in his hands, tracing the petals over his fingers.

“You may have to face that Off isn’t coming to visit you,” Liv spoke softly. After being friends with Erdem for most of her life, she knew he had a gentle heart and was too trusting of people. 

“I know! That’s the frustrating part. I want to just let it go, but in the back of my mind, I keep thinking maybe he’s still coming. Maybe he got delayed. Maybe one of his family members got seriously hurt and he just forgot to tell me…”

Liv: “...”

“Don’t say anything! I know,” Erdem cut in before Liv could. 

The wildflowers swayed in the light breeze; Erdem cleaned the flowers off his lap in silence. Liv watched but didn’t say anything, waiting for her friend to continue. 

After a few more minutes, Erdem finally spoke, “I just… I just like him. And I wanted to be right that there was something there, not just two friends going to class and having meals together. But something more…”

Liv: “You could be right about everything. But it is also a big step from seeing each other at school every day to making a trip to your family home during the summer vacation.” 

“I guess, you are right,” Erdem said as he wiped away the few rogue tears that slid down his cheek.

Liv watched her heartbroken friend and smiled before getting to her feet and pulling him up. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she dragged him back to the car and toward home. 

“So everything we have been doing all summer you actually wanted to do with Off?” Liv asked once the car had started moving. 

Erdem: “...”

“What kind of friendship is this,” Liv huffed under her breath with a chuckle. 

The ride home seemed lighter as if all the troubles that had slowly plagued and weighed down Erdem’s heart all summer had been left behind on that hill filled with wildflowers. His smile was back, and his laughter lively. 

He never forgot about his disappointment, and there was still a tiny chance he was holding onto that Off would still come; however, he had let go of his own expectations. He was no longer holding the imaginary Off to his unrealistic standards. He would wait or not, but either way, the decision was going to be based on his happiness, not hinder it any longer. 

The remaining days of summer seemed all but too short. He had finished his last shift at the cafe two weeks before he had to go back, giving himself some time to relax before he needed to pack and move back for university. 

That afternoon was exceptionally warm. A last remnant of the summer not wanting to let go. Erdem was laying on the couch; his eyes closed as the fan blew cool air over his stretched-out body. He wasn’t quite asleep yet, but he wasn’t fully awake either. 

He had heard a crunching sound, similar to tires overtop of rocks, stirring him from his stupor. He trudged his feet over the living room floor and through the kitchen, opening the door to his house. 

His feet stayed where they were while his hand tightened around the door knob. 

“Off?!” Erdem breathed in utter surprise. 

A tall and lean man with broad shoulders climbed out of the driver’s side of a car. His hair lazily clung to his forehead, flipped to the side as Off turned to look at Erdem. His full lips spread into a brilliant smile when he saw the other, and he took one step forward, “I’m sorry, I’m late. Traffic was bad.”

Erdem, almost choking on the lump in his throat, didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, “You need a better excuse than that.” 

 

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