Chapter 36: Chapter. 36: Introspection

The walk back was… grueling. Things lingered in my mind; an impression that wouldn’t be erased. I wanted revenge, but was it okay to kill everything in my path to achieve it? I didn’t know, it was hard to know, I simply just⁠— I had no idea about what was correct moving forward. A sigh escaped me as I dragged my feet across the grass and the trees, it was hard to not let the events catch up to me. I closed my eyes briefly, and saw a vague figure do a nod, words soon came to my mind.

I suppose, but do you plan on killing every single elf, innocent or guilty?

I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to answer at that time. And now, even if asked the same thing, I would still be unable to answer. It felt almost theatrical to say something like; I didn’t want to be like them, but it was the same sentiment.

I visualized briefly the face of the child ⁠— scared and shocked ⁠— it reminded me of me when killing the Knell Boar. Perhaps it was far-fetched, however it was the same kind of fear. I didn’t feel like my resolve was wavering, but at the same time I simply no longer felt that impulse to kill. But then again, I kind of…

Never had? It was more of an in the moment thing. Just like always. I shook my head, not feeling particularly great with myself. It was clear I had some reflecting to do. In the end all I could do was walk down the hill, back to where Matt was, I would’ve loved to just walk away and reflect upon it in solitude, but I still had to stay with the Humans ⁠— rather, I did not want to leave them stranded after taking their stuff.

I was at least going to see the demon situation to the end. And then, I would see what I do with my revenge⁠— whatever that meant.

A sigh left me as I reached the trees once more, where the humans awaited. It didn’t take long before I came face to face with Matt and the girls that accompanied him. Though he seemed a bit confused.

“Did something happen?”

I shook my head, wanting to erase the image of my head. “No, the Prophecy cannot be taken. We are leaving,” I declared, leaving no room for arguments.

◇ ◇ ◇

The trek towards the next prophecy was silent, the only thing that reached my ears were the whispers of the wind and the occasional grunt from the humans, though it didn’t particularly matter to me. Instead I spent most of my time thinking about my actions. My previous actions. The feeling when confirming the identity of the elf was… Warm. It was a form of excitement and thrill, part of me felt it was wrong, and the other one, the other one waited with bated breath for the kill. That moment was like a primal impulse, one that went beyond any sense of reason.

I still desired revenge, but there was no point in revenge by killing children, or elders, or… Those who weren’t responsible for my situation? I frowned. If I killed everything I would’ve been much like the ones that put me in my situation, at the same time not doing so would make me… A saint? Would it mean I forgive them? I didn’t really understand, it just didn’t sit well with me to enact revenge on every living being possible.

“Blair,” Matt solemnly called, snapping me away from my thoughts.

“What?” My voice came with a low grumble.

My response seemed to give Matt some sort of pause, his previously collected countenance twisted ever so slightly; perhaps deliberating on whether to say what he wanted or not. As my eyes left him and went back to the forest, he finally spoke.

“Did something happen there?” he asked, taking a breath. “I know the Prophecy was still available, but you decided to leave it there.”

I inwardly snorted. I had nothing to share with Matt. Glim could’ve said anything at that point, but it saw no wrongness in it. Probably something among the lines of children slaughtering being commonplace in the universe⁠—

[Yes, yes it is!] It piped up.

Matt had been around me for some time now, and being honest, he seemed like someone with a kind character. One that too, wanted to protect its race. But I was unsure⁠— it was something personal to me, that Matt should place no importance on. If Matt’s humans died, would I go out of my way to ask him stuff about it? Being honest with myself, I would probably just not say a single word until I can leave. His actions simply made no sense to me. But there was something in my mind, it was a weird sensation, a nagging feeling. Persistent. Annoying. Needy. It constantly itched, trying to tell me a single thing.

Say it.

With hesitation, I opened my mouth.

“There were elves.”

There was a silence, followed by the obvious question. “What?”

A sigh left me from Matt’s stupidity. I really, really hoped he would just say, ‘ah, I see,’ but instead he began to speak, a quiet almost hesitant voice trying to confirm.

“And you killed those elves?”

I shook my head. “I tried to.”

“And?” he pressured.

“My arrow was parried by a guard, and…” I took a breath, stopping my walk to look at the light-pillars on the sky. “Well I tried to shoot a child after?”

“You tried to kill a child?” One of the girls asked.

“Are you serious⁠—

Matt interrupted with a grumble. “Enough! You two, leave.” Matt sounded almost angry, his command freezing the two girls, and making them shiver, and promptly go elsewhere.

Once they were done, Matt grunted and turned to me, his face sour and with a frown.

“So,” he began. “You tried to kill a fucking kid?”

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I frowned at his rageful expression. “Yes, I did.”

“Why the fuck?!” he raged.

“Revenge.”

“That’s not a good fucking reason!” he screamed.

I took a deep breath, feeling anger well within my chest. His rage felt unfounded, it was as if I was in the wrong for wanting revenge. It was an insult to me.

“You can’t just decide to kill a fucking kid over⁠—

“It was a mistake.” I interrupted with a deep bellow. “Do you see me fucking upset over the fact that the arrow did not pierce its skull? Or the fact that I did not choose to continue shooting or chase after them? Are you dumb?” I hissed at Matt, his surprised expression more than obvious.

He took a step back and breathed. “Right… Right…” Matt shook his head before sitting under a tree. “Sorry, I am just… No. Sorry…”

I stared at him before deciding to sit as well. I stared at the stars once more, the branches barely giving me vision towards the night sky.

A sigh finally left me. “It doesn’t matter.”

There was a brief period of silence before Matt decided to speak once more.

“Why did you try to kill the kid?”

I decided not to answer, there was no deep meaning behind it other than the fact that I had no idea it was a kid until she looked at me⁠.

Matt spoke once more. “So just because they are the same kin, you wanted to kill it? Because it was an elf?”

I didn’t respond.

“I see.” Matt pondered. “I think that’s not quite right. Why would you kill innocents too?” he continued. “If an Everwood Moose kills my family, should I go hunt its entire race?” Matt asked with a raised brow.

I understood where he was coming from, but had no reply for him. At least now, I wasn’t really planning on killing children, or the children of their children, or whatever.

“I cannot fathom what you feel.” He breathed. “That said, I think you should only take revenge on those who put you in this position. Though, while I also want to say revenge bad and forgiveness good, I don’t think this is one of those times where one can truly forgive.”

I let Matt finish. I understood what I had done, and didn’t wish to linger on it any longer. It was a bridge that I shouldn’t cross, but at the same time it was something that I truly found… odd. Odd to think about, it was wrong to try to pin revenge on a child, but at the same time it felt weird to absolve everyone just because they hadn’t directly contributed to my situation. Forgive? It was a bit too easy to think about it in that way, in the end I still had emotions that needed to be addressed. Child or not. With everything in mind, I finally spoke.

“While mistakes have been made, I don’t think I can forgive the elves.” I closed my eyes. “The fact that elves were there, also means that I can tail them to find their camp.” I turned to Matt.

“Fine,” he sighed. “I suppose these are your issues to deal with, but if you become just like them in the future you will have no one but yourself to blame.”

I dismissed him with a grunt. “That said, they also fought. Probably the demons.”

“Demons?” He sounded dumbfounded.

“I found metal pieces in the battlefield of what I assume would be demon armor. I cannot think of any other source of metal,” I explained to him.

Matt nodded, his gaze staring into deep space, he thought and thought before turning to me.

“Then let us tail after the elves, if we find the demons we can consider our deal to be done after everything is sorted.”

◇ ◇ ◇

Befallen, elves. Fallen demons. The ground, akin to a garden of blood. Blooming, unceasingly. Littered with corpses, demons and elves alike, none spared from the tragedy of battle. Arrows. Cleaved armor. Beheaded heads. The more we advanced the more the battlefield was painted. Two squads of demons annihilated, three squads of elves dead.

Blood trails filled the forest, and we had no way to know what blood belonged to who. All of it red, shed from different beings sharing the same crimson hue. Elf, demon, or human, it did not seem to matter.

In the end we had no choice but to pick a random direction to head to.

Elves or demons. There was no way to know what awaited at the end of it.

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