Chapter 85: Chapter. 72: Insanity

Treants were… I didn’t get it.

A sigh escaped me as the tree dried up. Some hours had passed and just trying to give the tree my mana and somehow condense it within was more draining than I expected. In the end, I just didn’t really understand what mana did for them, or rather how it gave them some form of sentience. I guess Lumina had mentioned that dark plants should serve their ruler, but I didn’t really understand it. At the same time I was struggling to focus. My mind just kept wandering, every time I tried to make a treant that familiar feeling within the tree would well up. I was unsure if it was nostalgia or some sort of residual attachment to my home…

Well it was normal to feel attached. I just… I wanted to focus on getting stronger. I didn’t want to think of things any more. I didn’t want to think about it.

Just about a week had passed, and so much had happened. I got poor sleep, and honestly once my body relaxed it felt sore all over. I was ragged and ruined, all my energy had been used up, both mental and physical. I didn’t want to deal with it. I just wanted to get stronger and maybe…

I closed my eyes thinking about the things that had happened so far.

First I was attacked by a magical animal, which did not exist in elven society. Not that I was aware of. On my planet they weren’t particularly abundant. I had only heard of them as stories to scare me from venturing outside of the Deep Dark, after all. Beyond the stretches of the dark forest laid a magical world, one that would tear me apart as a kid. But now I understood it was just to keep me within reach.

Within reach… The phrase rubbed me the wrong way. I grabbed my head feeling a some throbbing and annoyance. Why? I couldn’t stop my mind wandering off to The Illusionist. I feared the man, but I also hated that I had to accept his contract. No matter how I thought about it ignoring the future ramifications of it, it simply bothered me to be controlled. It was irrational, but just the thought of my parents not wanting me to run away.

I hated it? I gripped my fist. What is wrong with me? Why did those memories have to resurface? I just wanted to…

Revenge? Maybe. I did want to kill the Woodland elves, but at the same time I did not feel true spite for them. Not… Not at the moment. A sigh left me. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I didn’t even want to think too deeply about it but everything seemed so bleak all the time. It was all awful, my mind was cloudy and the only times I felt truly alive was when I was at the brink of death. I wanted revenge, but at the same time I guess I just… It wasn’t my main goal?

It first happened when I fought the Everwood Moose. I wanted to run away, but in the end I charged forward with thrill. Just… As many elven warriors there were, and as many whatever code of the warrior lines existed, it just⁠— battle was always mentioned as something honorable, perhaps as a scary fact of life. Something that shouldn’t be feared, something that shouldn’t be glorified, it was a part of life. It was an honor to be a warrior, but it wasn’t something to be happy about. But. Why was it? Why did I enjoy it so much?

I stared at the sky, looking at the smoke. I wished I could just head over there and check what was going on, but it was a bad idea. There wasn’t enough time to do anything about it. All I could really do was sit in this hole and simply. Wait. All I could do was wait. And now, memories that I shouldn’t have remembered appeared in my mind. In the end, I didn’t want to acknowledge it, my people had died, everything was taken away from me, but was my grief even… Real? Did I cry over the loss, or did I cry over something else? Everyone fears change. It’s just… I missed my family, but I wanted to be my own person and do my own things. I missed my village, but it was nothing more than a memory I clung on.

I guess. I just missed my parents’ love. Another sigh left me.

What the fuck was wrong with me? I had tried to not think about it, but everything felt wrong. I should’ve killed and chased after that Woodland Elf, it was just a kid! But… I couldn’t. If I was so hurt by things, why didn’t I chase after her? It wasn’t about being better than them, it was just…

Why the fuck did it not hurt more? I felt on the verge of tears. I felt like I was disappointing my parents somehow. Perhaps I never felt the need to make them proud, but I also knew that me not chasing frantically after revenge would disappoint them. I didn’t. I wanted to… be free. I wanted to do my own things and make my own decisions. I didn’t want to be swayed by others, whether it was Glim, The Illusionist or some form of temporary companion.

I wanted to not disappoint my parents. I didn’t understand myself. I am confused. What. Is. Wrong with me? I cursed under my breath. I didn’t want to think about things, but it was like an old wound opening up, except this time it’s infected and requires immediate attention. It was festering and dwelling within my mind. Haunting me. I just wanted to live. I wanted to kill. I wanted to be stronger.

But I was shackled by my brain. I was shackled by my morals. I did not wish to think. I did not wish to see. I just wanted… freedom. I closed my eyes as some tears streamed down my cheeks. I felt scared of moving forward. I felt scared of truly forgetting things, but I also didn’t want to dwell on things or let them fester. I just wanted to…

I didn’t know what I wanted.

Did it matter? What I wanted?

Was it relevant? The others?

I shook my head. I didn’t want to turn my back on things, I did not wish to forget. In the end, it seemed like I just had to make things work somehow. Riddled with contradictions, that’s what I was. I wanted so many things at the same time, it was as if I wanted nothing.

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Thoughts are useless! I screamed within my mind as I shifted the mana within my spear, welling it up at the tip and pushing it forward into a rock. The spear penetrated and the tip exploded but it was weak and almost imperceptible. I had done it before, but now it felt off… I am losing it. I had been relying on my instincts, but now everything felt stilted and wrong. My mind would keep thinking back to things, it would keep doubting and worrying. Too many concerns.

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I snorted and pushed my mana once more, the spear stabbed onto the rock once more and I commanded within my mind as the mana coalesced into the tip⁠—Explode. All I saw was a small cloud of billowing dust, it was as if my mana had disappeared at the last second, it wasn’t a full explosion, it was closer to it collapsing on itself rather than releasing energy. Why? It all felt so simple before, but now it felt insurmountable.

Why? I gnashed my teeth in frustration as I stabbed the boulder. I was losing it. I was becoming unstable. I couldn’t understand it, but it was frustrating. Why did I have to think about things? Couldn’t I just keep killing?! A grunt left me as I stabbed the spear with all my strength, the mana pushed and at that moment I desired nothing but to shatter it. The mana boiled within the tip and welled, bubbled and it popped. My arm throbbed with pain as the boulder exploded from within, some of the smallest rock fragments grazed me and pelted at me, but it didn’t matter. At that moment I couldn’t help but feel even more anger.

Why must I be irrational to execute? Why must I realize things?

I was in denial. I didn’t want to accept my feelings. I didn’t want to think of my family, revenge, about what they meant to me. I just wanted to be stronger, but the very thing that brought me fulfillment was slipping away from me. It was being taken by my emotions and rational feelings. I was in denial for the longest time. A small snort left me. I should have stayed in denial.

I had to be stronger, I had to get better. I had to stop thinking. My goals lied elsewhere. There was a time and place for thinking, and my mind told me it wasn’t now, but my feelings were elsewhere. Constantly trying to come to light. I hated it.

I hated myself. I gripped my spear tighter. I had to be better.

◇ ◇ ◇

I didn’t know how long I passed, for I simply moved towards another rock. It didn’t take long before I found my victim. It shattered as I felt my muscles ache. I felt tired but annoyed, I felt fueled by spite. But I was growing used to it. I was growing used to turning my mana into a lethal weapon. My legs were starting to ache from the unstable ground, I didn’t want to keep walking on it any more, but it was a necessity. I had to get stronger. I just had to⁠— there was no reason to it anymore. I just wanted happiness.

I just want to feel good with myself. I screamed as I rammed the spear into another boulder and exploded it instinctively. I want to be hap⁠—

[Skill Learned ⁠— Mana Manipulation (Epic Passive) ⁠— Your understanding of mana has reached new heights. You now understand it with great sensitivity and nuance. Noticing things you hadn’t before.]

My mind practically skipped, a smile crept onto my face and I couldn’t help but break out into laughing. It was irrational, but the relief I felt at that moment was nothing but joy. I wanted to be stronger because of nothing more than fulfillment. I always smiled in battle. I rolled on the rocky ground, some of the uneven parts dug onto my neck and others ached within the thinnest parts of the armor. My mind felt happy for the first time since returning. I wanted more of it, it was like an addiction.

I couldn’t help but laugh as I realized something within me was breaking. What is wrong with me? I missed my family. My laughs turned into tears as I still continued to roll.

I was miserable.

◇ ◇ ◇

I sat down staring at the rocks listlessly. Thinking was useless, but it couldn’t be avoided. In the end, for the first time in quite some time I just cried. I cried as I accepted my contradicting feelings.

I want to be free.

I swallowed as I felt snot run down my nose.

I miss my parents.

Something⁠— I missed certain things, but others I didn’t. As my vision wandered around the impossibly large clearing, I couldn’t help but notice body parts of ants and worms within some of the crevices. Slowly, I accepted my situation and a single thought crept within my mind. One that worried me and one that couldn’t be answered. But, I couldn’t keep forgetting or running away. In the end a deep sigh left me as I closed my eyes.

“Mom, Dad, what would you two think if you saw me?”