Chapter 46: Chapter 46 – A Chance To Be Someone New

//Author Note: Another perspective on events: //

 

I was trying to hurt her. I was wanting to hurt her.

Her sweet fear still lingers on my tongue as a forbidden temptation that draws out the darkness in me even as I force it down and hide it away.

Syr offered me her blood, something that is not a small issue. The fact that she even thought to do so suggests that she might have been speaking with someone about me, and planning this quite seriously. She wants to pull me aside so that we might spend some time alone. Just her and I.

How should I even respond to such things?

My recent experiences have been proof enough that I’m a dangerous person, I can’t be trusted to act out such affections, and yet…

My insides are a whirling rush of strange sensations, and at the very core is a heavyweight. As I close my eyes to imagine it, I see it as a cold ball of black ice. It spins faster and faster, the friction burning away at my insides, and somehow making fire and heat out of the cold.

A contradiction.

I want to be cruel; I want to be kind.

I want to hurt her; I don’t want her to be hurt.

Even thinking about it too much is bringing back to life human organs that should be frozen, just so that my stomach can twist on itself and force bile up my throat.

If I could just properly accept her advances…

If I am lying to myself, then what part of this is the lie and what part is the truth?

I can’t tell, not for sure, but I can’t find the truth in my own mind. I must test myself and see what it is that I am through my actions, just as how I’d judge another person.

I must search for myself, the me that is separate from the noble and the monster, but whenever I look at Syr and find her eyes locked firmly only on me, all my thoughts are stolen away. A wash of powerful emotions floods through me, stripping me bare of the complex image that I’ve crafted around myself.

I turn away, rebuilding the mask that was destroyed in only a few moments.

Syr’s power is frightening.

Her offer of blood has melted away every resistance that I try to construct around myself. I am not meant to fight those who offer themselves, that is my vampiric instinct, but there’s something more locked within that motive. Something that I can’t understand about myself.

While I would be glad to spend weeks breaking down these thoughts, speaking with Merry and his goddess of truth to dig up the reality underpinning these thoughts, we simply haven’t the time. Syr and her group are supposed to leave in less than a week, and there is much they still must see done before then. What time we have is limited, and even this evening I must meet with Semi, cutting short the time we have.

Regardless of all else, I must still request that she give me some orders, and design some that would help me to guard against Aldramodore should I have the misfortune of meeting him. One more chance to see her after this, before she’s gone, likely forever.

What do I want from her? What would she want from me in return?

“I have a meeting with an acquaintance that I should not be late to,” I say to get clear of the mercenaries who are still reviewing the battle. Their excitement is not feigned, but it seems that Syr has her interests set in another direction.

“Um…” Syr is by my side before I can even think of what to say to her. My insides swirl about with new energy that I can’t quite comprehend, her attentions unsettle me. If it weren’t for my noble training, I would be struck wordless.

“Speak while we walk,” I say, heading for the mansion. “I suppose that this has to do with your offer?”

“Uh-huh,” her reply is spirited even if it’s lacking in good manners. She walks by my side, the warmth of her body washing over mine even from as far away. I can still remember her warmth invading me as she forced me to the ground, her hands gripping my arms tight enough to shatter my cold flesh only to heal around her hands. Her weight pressing down on me as she promises me her precious blood.

I swallow, my biological processes brought back just so that I might press down the memories.

“There aren’t many people that know about my magic, and you don’t seem to hate it. I want to get to know you better,” she looks down and away from me, cutting a hand through the shadows that form from the haunting of my house, barely even sparing them a thought before casting them into oblivion.

So that is the reason for her attention.

I’ve seen how her party treats her, how they fear for her, and plain just fear her, because of the necromancy she practices. Even assuming that there is affection for her, as there seems to be, then it will forever be tainted by the realization that they do not welcome her as she is. They would rather have a muted version of her, changed to be palatable to their sensibilities.

Her excited eyes settle on me once more. She wants something more from me, and it would be simple to give her that much. How much am I willing to give beyond that, I’m not yet sure, but if her affections for me are borne simply out of my willingness to accept her magic…

I don’t know how I should respond to that.

“So that’s what it is?” I whisper, and she squeezes a little closer to me. “I am afraid that whatever it is that you want from me you will not find it. I am no longer a living person. I am… the human I once was is lost.”

I want to reach out to her.

I want her affections.

If I give her everything she wants, would that satisfy my wants? If I must bury my cruel, undead heart and the terrible desires born therein, would that be acceptable? Or would I be living a lie?

“And?” she asks, her hands twitch and I sense she’s about to reach out for me, but she hesitates.

“You do not know me.”

“I want to,” she replies, hovering so close that I can feel the frost melting from her nearness alone. “I want to talk and get to know you.”

All the complicated thoughts and feelings that I’m attempting to navigate, and yet all she is thinking about is something so much more simple. She wants to step forward into the maze that is the future just to see what she will find, without needing to anticipate either way what it will be. The uncertain smile on her lips suggests that maybe she would accept whatever it is that she finds after prying past the frozen mask I wear.

I step into my room and she follows, looking all about in wonder at the things that commoners can never experience. What it might be like to experience such wonder, and is there no such sight that would bring me into such a state?

Syr has not once paused to consider if she is welcome here in this room, not even as Therina rummages through my closet, finding clean undergarments to change into. I suppose that with her past it makes sense that she lacks the proper understanding of basic manners, but it makes for quite an amusing sight as she floats about the room as I imagine a fairy would. A curious creature flitting from one thing to the next without understanding of the toes upon which she treads, though she is so light that it cannot even cause offence.

Her behaviour draws my attention back to myself, and the tall mirror to the side of the room.

Who am I?

What am I?

The reflection that I see is made of only lies, a corpse still moving, motivated by unusually cruel passions and noble habits that are ingrained so deep that they have become as the bones beneath my skin. There are still parts of myself that remain elusive, things that I’m not sure I want an answer to, though perhaps Syr could have the answers. Do I want to ask?

Am I still the same girl who died?

Am I an imposter?

Am I a liar?

“Syr,” I say, drawing her attention back to me. “I see no reason to send you away. If you wish to spend time with me then I will not stop you.”

“Then, I’ll be right here,” she says, her attention slipping from me and back toward Therina.

She presses her way into my closet, looking through everything. If she were anyone else I would be deeply offended by her outrageously invasive behaviours, but for some reason, it’s different with her. Harmless.

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She has no motives hidden from sight, rather she is pure and honest in everything. Even now her wonder, curiosity, and disgust at the state of my closet is not something she’s even trying to hide, and I know that she won’t steal or damage anything.

To be so honest and open, to betray all social niceties just to express yourself and everything that you feel. The life of a noble is stifling by comparison, and I know that I would want to be more like her if I was still alive.

“I was serious about the meeting, however,” I warn her. “I cannot take you with me. Not unless you would want to stay in the carriage.”

“You’re going out of the estate?” She asks, rotating her shoulders as if to prepare for a fight. The swords she carries with her are always ready to be used. “What if something happens?”

“Then I’ll respond as needed.” Fleeing more likely than not.

“Can I go to protect you?” she asks, smirking at me. “I watched how the knight backslapped you over the walls, remember? You’re not that strong.”

“I managed to beat you one of two times in training, I’m not so weak that you need to worry for my sake,” I say, watching her closely. Is she trying to cause offence or is it simply her loose tongue, and unusual honesty?

“Who are you meeting, anyway?” She asks, though her voice carries enough hesitation to prove that it is no demand.

“A criminal,” I say. “A powerful criminal.”

“Oh, so like Semi and Vael,” she nods slowly, comfortably dropping two names she should not know. Names that no one else would say so lightly.

“Did Vael put you up to this?” I ask. If these two have found her and drawn her into their business, then it could be that Syr is being used by them, and the idea that she might be made into a tool worries me. “This is too much to be coincidence. She put you up to this, didn’t she?”

“Ah, no?” Syr is confused and not afraid to hide it. “I’ve met them before, Semi even gave me these swords, and I want to find her again before I leave the city.”

“What do you want with Semi?”

“She promised me help with my magic.” This has to do with necromancy? “Secrets, or something. I don’t know until I meet her, but the rest of my team doesn’t want me to go.”

Therina has found a proper dress for me and has been waiting patiently for me to be ready.

“I need to dress,” I tell Syr.

“Ah, I’ll look the other way,” she says, turning about and still not leaving the room.

Would it be so wrong to be seen changing? We are both girls and it is not that I haven’t shared a bath before, so it’s nothing new to be exposed, but I’m not sure that I want her to see me as I am.

A frozen corpse.

My maid helps me to change, as I focus on what lies ahead.

“I am meeting with Semi,” I tell her. “You may come with me, but you might have to explain this to your team.”

“Okay,” she says, shifting about in place and turning her head to peek at me through the mirror.

Is she disgusted by what she sees?

 

~~~~~

 

The carriage ride to Semi’s base is a simple enough affair, even with Vael, Therina, Syr, and I crammed into the tight space together. My attempts at conversation nearly bring down the mood, but Syr lets me examine her undead bird.

Crow, she calls him.

He still acts as if alive, just like me, and he’s absolutely adorable.

I’ve never known that a bird can show affection, he rubs his head up against my cheek, and his softer feathers run against my hand as his little black eyes blink up at me. He halfway opens and closes his wings, nudging at me playfully. I’m halfway tempted to ask if I can keep him, but I’m sure that asking such a thing would trouble Syr, and I do not want to cause her undue stress.

When we arrive, Crow flies back to his master.

“He’ll watch the street for us,” Syr explains as he lifts off and flutters up to the rooftops. I want to call out a goodbye, but I hold myself back, stepping up to the ill-natured house where Semi has set up her organisation.

I’d almost forgotten that she ran such a place.

I’d almost succeeded in making myself forget, for sanity’s sake.

Syr looks all around excitedly, her shortswords swaying on her hips as she steps along by my side. She’s ready for a fight, but that’s hardly anything new for her.

“We’ve received word of your arrival,” a member of staff rushes to us before we even reach the doors, “The lady is waiting for you upstairs, if you would please follow me.”

I walk after him, glancing worriedly at Syr. This is not a good place for her.

Fumbling about to find the right words, I try to warn her of what’s waiting for us inside, but she seems more and more confused the longer I try to explain it. If I’d brought a blindfold with me, I’d be tempted to use it on her now.

Stepping inside, her reaction only worries me further.

The erotic dancers draw her attention almost immediately and I don’t even try to hide my frown as I rush for the second floor. The staff member has to skip ahead so that I don’t run into him, but it is worth it to get Syr out of here before anything regrettable can happen.

I must get her out of here.

Vael is following a step behind us, smirking in a devilish manner. My glare only fuels her amusement.

The second-floor dancers are worse even than the first floor, and I rush through the gauntlet to get to Semi’s private table before Syr can fall astray.

She is much too interested in the performers.

 

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