Chapter 16: 3.1

Chapter 3: Art Emanates From Pain and Sadness

 

Part 1

 

 

A few day have passed since my last contact with Utako.

 

The graduation ceremony for the third year was two weeks away, but I was still too devastated to feel anything about it. Going to school was a chore, everything was a chore. 

 

Heartbreak was a common occurrence in this world, and yet, I never knew it would leave such a hole in my heart. Why was it so strange that other classmates could go about their daily lives like nothing had changed?

 

My unreasonable anger towards the class increased. Couldn’t stand being there no longer, I malingered for the first time.

 

***

 

I was laying sideways, spacing out, doing nothing when I heard Yuri’s voice. Probably a hallucination. Just how insane could I be, thinking about her even while doing nothing. I was just imagining things, I convinced myself as I plugged my ears with my earphones.

 

“I mean, Komiya wasn’t feeling well so he left early, didn’t he? Let’s just hand him the printouts and go home, barging in seems rude…”

 

“That’s why we’re going to use the word ‘visit’. He can’t just chase his concerned friends away, can he?”

 

Could you stop using the word “visit” as an excuse for trespassing? And why was I hearing Seino’s voice too? I pursed my mouth into a line. No, I wasn’t hearing things, I became sure the moment I heard the thudding of their ill-mannered footsteps. 

 

But I realized it too late.

 

“Hey! Sousuke! I’m here to visit!”

 

Yuri happily intruded with a vehemence that I couldn’t believe she was visiting an ill person. They were both in school uniforms, so they must have come straight from school.

 

 “How is this a ‘visit’? Any consideration for the sick?” I asked.

 

“Aren’t you feigning it anyway? Even when you are really sick, no matter how much you look like a corpse, you won’t go home until someone tells you to. How good it is, to be such a serious guy. No one suspects a thing–”

 

Yuri sat down on the bed without even asking, her mouth quirked. I ignored her and offered Seino a cushion for her to sit on the floor.

 

“What’s there to be cheerful about? Yuri, now with Utako gone, don’t you feel anything?” I growled.

 

“Ha? That was quite a shock. But yeah, being all depressed isn’t the only way to express loneliness, right? I think she would prefer it better if I’m doing fine. Why would she want us to be gloomy?”

 

Her argument was reasonable, a rare thing from Yuri. While I was regretting how I tried to force Yuri to share my despair, Seino pulled out a DVD from her bag.

 

“I recorded that Fishermen episode. Yuri suggested we watch it together so I burned it on DVD,” she explained.

[TN: Umm, what year is this? And wouldn’t TV shows like this recorded on Youtube??]

 

“Why do you have to burn it? Wouldn’t it be easier if we go to your house instead?” 

 

“Marina’s house is far from school, right?” interrupted Yuri, “How lucky, Sousuke. Chew on this blissful experience of having two highschool girls coming to your room, will you?”

 

She smirked as she reached for my shoulder.

 

“Whatever with Seino, but you’re not a girl, Yuri.”

 

I shook off her hand and went to the living room. There, Gram was watching TV while sipping a cup of water.

 

“Gram, what did I say about letting Yuri in?” I demanded.

 

“I didn’t let her in myself. Yu-chan said she’s here by your promise.”

 

Although we had known each other for a long time, letting a rascal like her in without a shred of doubt was one of my grandmother’s bad habits. I worried about her being too nice and letting a real robber in someday, but didn’t have the energy to talk back. I quietly poured three cups of coca and some snacks, put it on a tray, and went back to my room.

 

To them, my room was like a shared property, so they were familiar with operating the devices in the room. 

 

Feeding the DVD Seino burned to the player, the Fishermen’s lively introductory talk appeared on the TV screen. 

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“I’m skipping here–” Seino fidged the remote control to fast-forward and pressed the play button. 

 

She then stopped when the Fishermen’s procession reached the snow sculpture area. Seeing the sculptures again made me reminisce about the hard work and the sense of accomplishment.

 

“Look, Sousuke! We’re on screen!” screamed Yuri.

 

“I’m watching, I’m watching,” I sighed.

 

Just like how I remembered it, Yuri babbled on, then I did a follow up. I didn’t really care about being on screen, the concerning part was–

 

–“Utako–! How are you doing? I know you’re quite busy, so good luck in Tokyo–!”

 

My heart skipped a beat. Then I remembered her last words before hanging up. 

 

Only if we hadn’t been caught on camera at that moment, she might still be here. Her mother wouldn’t care about us, the promise would still be there.

 

Unending torrent of “only ifs” gnawed at my thoughts. I couldn’t stand it anymore and looked away. 

 

Yuri then spoke to me, as carefree as ever, “Damn–, I’m a national celebrity! Hey, Marina, burn them for us later, will you?”

 

This was my fault too, so holding a grudge against them was wrong. Yet… how do I suppress this foul emotion?

 

“Sorry. But can’t you two go home today?” I cut out.

 

“Ha? What are you talking about?” In contrast to Yuri who tilted her head, puzzled, Seino started to clean up as if she had figured something out.

 

“Let’s leave. There’s a saying that men tend to hold onto things. He must be devastated, let’s leave him alone. And Komiya, that DVD is yours. Cheer up, yeah?”

 

Her guess was near the mark, not too far nor too close. Since the conversation came this way, I bid my thanks and leave it at that.

 

“Ehhh? I thought being with us would sweep any worries away–” Prodded by Seino, Yuri left the room reluctantly with a pout. But when Seino disappeared down the corridor, she turned back to me.

 

“Say, Sousuke. What are you going to do from now on? If you’re not picky, I have tons of options for you. The best one being to track Utako down, break in, and abduct her. How’s it?

 

Yuri wasn’t someone who reads the air nor someone who knows how to console. It was easy for someone who knew nothing of her circumstances like her to say that.

 

“Like we could do that in the first place.” I ought to quip something witty, but I wasn’t in the mood to. 

 

“I’m joking–. But I’ll help if you want to.”

 

“When it’s from your lips, I just couldn’t take it as a joke.” I sighed exasperatedly, then scratched my cheek. “Yuri, what would you do in times like this–”

 

I found myself unconsciously asking her for advice, hastily, I shut my mouth.

 

Seino was right, I was holding onto a lot of things, but how could I ask Yuri of all people for advice? I won’t admit this.

 

“What’s it? Say it to the end, will you?”

 

“Nothing, just go, will you?” I shooed her away with my hand. But she came to me and landed a body blow before leaving. I crumpled to the ground, arms cradling my stomach. Still groggy from the relentless blow, I ran my thoughts.

 

I needed to move on. Being all depressed, glooming, I was sure that the current me wasn’t who Utako fell in love with. She wanted us to forget her, to return to our normal lives. 

 

“A great artist would turn heartbreak into a work of art…” I remembered.

 

I was going to be a painter. If that was my dream, then I need to turn this harrowing experience into an art.

 

I rose, put the DVD into a case, and tucked it away in a half-concealed cabinet that I use for storing obscure DVDs. 

Spring, the time of the year that everyone starts changing and adapting to a new environment. Hokkaido too, despite the unforgiving cold, signs of spring began to appear.

 

Sugawara-senpai and other third year students had graduated, and when April came, I would become a third year.

 

But no matter how much time passed, I couldn’t bring myself to draw again.

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