Chapter 1: 1 – Raise Up Your Voice

"Please turn your hymnals to page one-thirty-five."

I picked up the book and turned to the hymn. I felt a familiar twisting sensation in my stomach as I scanned the verses.

"One and three, son." My dad said from my left. I turned to look at him. His expression was as inscrutable as ever as he looked down at me.

"I can read, Dad." I stood up and readied the book in front of me. He grunted noncommittally and stood as well. As we began to sing, I could feel his eye on me. It's not like it was my fault I had a high singing voice. I knew it clashed with the other men, I didn't need him staring a new hole in my head to remind me.

We finished the first verse and the women started the second. As I waited for the next verse my memories drifted back to when I was younger and didn't understand how these kinds of songs worked. I tried to sing every verse, like the other hymns... I snorted softly. Dad had never let me forget that, even though it was over a decade past now.

Time for the men to sing again. For us to sing again. I corrected myself automatically. I cleared my mind and focused on the music. The words passed through my eyes and out of my mouth, barely even registering in my mind. I focused on Dad's voice, his deep bass was the very peak of masculinity. I bet he only thinks about singing the women's part about once a year or so.

Time for the final verse. I let the singing of the women wash over me. Their voices were so beautiful... I longed to join them. As always, I marveled at the wisdom of the church elders. It's a good thing that everything is split up between the genders like this. I breathed deep and stood strong, knowing that around me, the other men were feeling the same pull. Why else would these unspoken rules be there?

"Thank you all for attending." The bishop spoke from the front. "I unfortunately have some business to attend to soon, so Brother Higley will be leading the Priesthood meeting." He gestured to the cheery-faced man sitting to his right. The congregation began filing out of the chapel, my dad heading to the Priesthood meeting and me heading to the bathroom. As usual, I sat in a stall and waited about five minutes for everyone else to head to the Young Men's and Young Women's meetings. I walked down the hallway quietly, making my way to the back. The nursery door was open a smidge; I quickly entered and closed it.

"ZEE!" Two small voices cried out in unison.

"Shh!" I knelt down and hugged the Lyman twins, Joshua and Joseph. "Not so loud, you two. Do you want to get Remy in trouble?"

"If anyone is going to get in trouble, it's you, Zee." I looked up at my friend, who was shaking her head at me. Her black hair waved back and forth across her shoulders. "Playing hookey from the Young Men's meeting again?"

"They're just so boring." I scowled. "I much prefer hanging out in here with you and the little ones."

"Makes sense, you're a little one yourself, shorty." She reached over and tousled my hair.

"Little Zee! Little Zee!" The twins jumped up and down beside me, chanting the taunt.

I blushed. As much as I might try to deny it, I enjoyed our friendly jabs. "Ha ha. We're the same height, you know."

"Sure, but I'm a girl. What's your excuse?" There it was again, that twisting feeling in my stomach.

"I'm lactose intolerant, couldn't drink my milk growing up." I settled down more comfortably on the floor. Remy knelt down next to me.

"I saw you eating a cheeseburger at the last church picnic." She handed a pair of robot toys to the twins. "Here, play with these, you two." They started chasing each other around, occasionally smacking the toys together.

"If you think a little gastrointestinal distress is enough to keep me from stuffing my face full of delicious cheese, you're out of your mind."

She laughed at that. Her smile really was infectious... "Oh, unrelated tangent." She clapped her hands together. "Do you mind helping me with a little choir thing?"

"Oh, uh, sure. What do you need?" We both shared a love of music, so it wasn't entirely out of left field, but it was the first time she had ever asked me for help with choir. It's not like I was actually in the choir, after all.

"I'm trying to get my ear in for harmonizing and I need a partner. Mind giving me a hand? Or a tongue, as it were?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Why not ask Sister Newman? She's the choir director."

"Ugh, I hate asking her for help with singing. It's like she doesn't realize that not everyone has perfect pitch." She pouted and fluttered her eyelashes. "Plus, I'd rather practice with you."

"Well, alright." There's no way I could deny her request. "When did you want to do it?"

"How about right now?"

"Oh, okay. Uh... let's start with just singing a single note." I gestured to her. "You start it, I'll match you and you just listen to how it sounds."

She sat up straight and let out a tone. A C Sharp, easy enough. I matched her, our voices mingling together in harmony. After a few moments, she stopped. "Okay, now you start and I'll match." I nodded and started with an A. She responded with... an A Sharp.

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"Liiittle loooweeer~" I held the note out, nodding toward her until she met me. We stayed together for a bit before I stopped. "Nicely done!"

"Ahh, how were you able to get it right first try?"

I shrugged. "Lots and lots of practice."

"Apparently. Let's try some more." We traded turns a dozen more times, and she started being able to match me first try as well. "Okay, enough of that. Let's try an actual song." She grabbed a hymnal and opened it up. I looked at the page and blanched.

"We Meet Again as Sisters?" I asked.

"Sure, why not." She returned.

"Well, it's a song for women, isn't it? I can't sing it." The twisting in my stomach grew stronger. Did a gremlin live in my stomach and spend its free time wringing out my guts?

"Oh, don't be silly. It's just a song."

"I mean... I guess..."

"C'mon, it's not like singing a girl song is gonna turn you into a girl or something." She scooted closer to me and held the book in front of us.

"Haha, yeah." That gremlin was working overtime. "That would be ridiculous." I looked into her brown eyes, she was so close.

"You ready?" she asked.

I nodded and looked down at the book. My breathing quickened. I hummed the first few bars of the song and then we began to sing in harmony.

We meet again as sisters
On this the Sabbath day
To worship God together
To testify and pray

Now may the Holy Spirit
Descending like a dove
Enlarge our minds with knowledge
And fill our hearts with love

This... wasn't so bad, really? In fact, it felt almost good. It felt... BAD. I quickly rose to my feet. BAD.

"Woah, Zee! What's wrong?" She stumbled to her feet, tripping over her skirt and catching onto my arm to keep from falling.

BAD. BAD. LEAVE. BAD. "Sorry, I just remembered, I need to-" THOU SHALT NOT LIE. "-make sure my brothers get into the car to leave on time. Mom's sick of them running around and taking forever to leave on time. Sorry. Maybe we can practice some more later." With a different song.

"Oh, okay? That... sounds nice." She straightened up and brushed herself off.

"Yeah. Sorry to rush, but you know how my mom is."

"I certainly do. Well, get along with your brother wrangling."

"Okay, bye Remy!" I hurried out of the nursery, perhaps a bit too quickly. I rushed back to the bathroom, the twisting becoming full on nausea. I don't know how long I stayed in there, but apparently it was long enough that my brother Jay came looking for me.

"Hey Zee, Mom's looking for you, she says it's time to go."

I nodded and followed behind him. We drove home in relative silence, and I laid down as soon as I got back to my room. The last thing I remember before passing out was Remy's joking comment.

"It's not like singing a girl song is gonna turn you into a girl."

That would be ridiculous...

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