Chapter 4: 4 – Carry That Weight

After that completely normal character and name selection sequence, I then proceeded to play video games for several hours. The sun dipped lower and lower in the sky until I could barely see my screen. I considered turning on the half-busted lamp sitting beside me, but before I had a chance to come to a real conclusion, I heard a holler.

"ZEE! YOU'RE GONNA MISS SUPPER!" It sounded like Conner.

I sighed and gave my cats a few more pets before standing up. They protested rather insistently that I not move. "Well, I'm sorry you've lost your warm seat, but this seat has to eat." I pulled off my hood to extract Maul from my shoulders. As I did so, hair cascaded down in front of my chest. "Whoa..." I put her down and stroked the hair. My hair! It felt so soft and silky. "It's so long! But... how?" Am I a mutant, like X-Men? A hair mutant? I attempted to will my hair into doing something else, but nothing seemed to happen. Guess not. "This is too weird. Maybe I should tell Mom?" You know what she'll do. Yeah, she'd cut it off. I shivered, no doubt due to the cold night air. I tucked it back into my hood and pulled it back up, then made my way back to the house.

"Ah, there you are!" My dad exclaimed in mock surprise as I sat down at the table. "We were starting to think those cats of yours had eaten you."

"Nah, they tried that a while back and didn't care for the taste." Leftover spaghetti. I'll never understood why, but some foods taste even better as leftovers. Talk turned to other subjects but I didn't engage. I never did. As usual, my dad finished first, and took his plate to the sink.

"I'm feeling like a musical tonight, what do you think, boys?" My dad asked after cleaning his plate. I flinched, though I wasn't sure why.

"Oklahoma?" asked Conner. He loved Oklahoma. He'd watched it three times a day, if we let him.

"Eh, we watched that about a week ago. We haven't seen State Fair in a while," offered Danny.

"That's because no one like State Fair," said Jay.

"What about Flower Drum Song?" I asked. Everyone at the table mumbled interestedly.

"It's a good one," my dad said. "Haven't watched it in quite a while. Conner, go put it in."

My brother walked somewhat dejectedly into the living room to get the DVD. The rest of us slowly filed into the room as we finished our plates. The overture began as I sat down, cycling through the production and cast. Then the first song began.

You are beautiful, small, and shy
You are the girl whose eyes met mine just as your boat sailed by
This I know of you, nothing more
You are the girl whose eyes met mine passing the river shore

You are the girl whose laugh I heard
Silver and soft and bright
Soft as the fall of lotus leaves
Brushing the air of night

While your flower boat sailed away
Gently your eyes looked back on mine
Clearly you heard me say
"You are the girl I will love some day"

As the music played, I thought of what the words meant. A beautiful girl... Remy. I longed to hear her sing the song to me sing the song to her. If only life were as simple as it was in musical. Just sing a song to someone so they could understand you. Express your feelings without fear of others laughing at you. Why couldn't I live in the musical universe? I tuned out from the movie, thinking of different ways Remy could tell me I was beautiful to tell Remy she was beautiful. I longed to be her kiss her. A loud transition broke me from my mind. I had missed at least a good ten minutes, maybe more. One of the secondary characters, Linda, was singing... oh no. Why did I pick this movie?

I'm a girl and by me that's only great
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy
That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
With my hips kind of swivelly and swervey

I tried to summon another song to drown it out, before it got caught in my mind, but it was too late. The earworm had well and truly dug into my brain.

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curls
I float as the clouds on air do
I enjoy being a girl

As the show continued on and on, I listened intently to each piece, hoping to dislodge the song, but it was like by purposefully trying to forget it, it gave it more and more power inside of me. The music spilled out of me, again and again, in whispers so quiet I wasn't even sure that I could hear them.

I enjoy being a girl

It felt like the gremlin whose job it was to twist my guts was being beaten up by a giant moth living inside of my chest. My heart fluttered, my breath shuddered.

I enjoy being a girl

Before I knew it, the movie was over. I had barely paid attention, too busy waging a silent war inside my head against catchy show tunes. I started down the hall.

"Zee, aren't you forgetting something?" Dad's voice broke through.

"Huh?" What did I forget? Could he hear the tune inside me? Did I forget how to be a boy?

"It's your turn to wash the dishes today. They've been soaking during the whole movie, so it shouldn't be hard." He waved towards the kitchen.

"Oh, dishes. Right, sorry." I turned around and started clearing out the sink. What was going on? It's never been this bad before... The sink filled with bubbles, I tapped my foot to the beat.

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I enjoy being a girl

I washed, I whistled. Catching myself, I changed the tune, striking out on my own song. But the earworm returned time and time again.

I enjoy being a girl

The last fork vanquished by my soapy forces, I drained the sink. Maybe I should ask dad what he does to hold it down. He must have tons of practice. I tried to form the question in my mind, practicing the conversation over and over. There had to be a way to ask without revealing how bad it had gotten. For some reason, as I approached him in the living room, a feeling of intense dread came over me. Don't ask him. He'll hurt you. He'll hate you.

Did you need something, son?" he asked, noticing me staring at him. I flinched again. He turned down the weather report and looked at me, his eye seeming to pierce straight through me.

"Uh, do you..." BAD. BAD. BAD. "Do you know how to get an annoying song out of your head?"

"Have you tried singing one you like?"

I do like it. That's why it won't leave.

"Yeah, it didn't work." I shrugged helplessly.

"Then I suppose you'll have to let it run its course. You'll forget about it eventually. Go on, go to bed, you probably won't even remember it in the morning."

"Okay, thanks Dad."

"No problem. Good night, so-" I flinched again. He coughed, pounding his chest a bit. "Ugh, a noodle was stuck in my nose and just slid down."

"Ew."

 "Yep. Good night, Zee." He looked at me for a few moments more before turning back to the weather.

"Good night, Dad." I walked back to my room and laid down, hugging Wally tightly. Inside me, the song continued its lyrical rampage.

"I enjoy being a girl..." I muttered as sleep took my body. In my dreams, Maul and Babe sat on my chest and refused to get up, even as I stood up and moved around. "Get off of there!" I shouted. "You're kitties, not titties!" They jumped off, but the weight remained. I rubbed at the sore spots on my chest. No matter what I did, the feeling wouldn't leave.

"There you are!" I turned. Mom was standing over me, holding scissors. "Looking a little shaggy, Ezekiel!" She snipped the scissors at my head. I tried to dodge, but I was being held down by my father grasping my shoulders.

"It's for the best, son."

I closed my eyes as the sound of clipping surrounded me, I could feel the curly locks falling into my lap.

"There we go! Such a handsome young man under all that hair! You're looking more and more like your father every day!" My mother snapped the scissors triumphantly.

I looked down at the hair piles lying on the ground around me and wept. "Not again. Not again!"

"You stop this right now!" I turned to look at the new voice. It was Remy, glowing with a bright blue light. My parents shrunk away from the light as though it burned them. She approached closer, shaking her head as she surveyed the carnage. "This won't do at all. Let's put things right." With a wave of her hand, the hair disappeared from the ground. I felt its weight upon my head once more.

I stood and hugged her tight. "Thank you! They just... they won't stop..."

She patted my head slowly. "There, there. Us girls have to stick together, right?"

I pulled back from her embrace. "Girls? But... but I'm not..."

"Not what? Not a girl? Don't be ridiculous. You're as much of a girl as I am, Faedra!" She smiled gently and leaned towards me, our noses brushed and our li-

---

I awoke. The dream! It was... Remy was... I couldn't remember. It felt important, why couldn't I remember? Remy was there, I was sure of that. I sat up, feeling strangely heavy. I stood- and nearly fell onto my face. It felt like there was a ten pound weight strapped to my chest. I reached up and felt something... squishy? "It can't be..." I pulled up my hoodie. Something flopped out. Two somethings, in fact.

I had grown a pair of breasts.

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