Chapter 20: Chapter 19

Mr. Sada looked up at him and then nodded. “Thank you Hobb.” He stood and began straightening his clothing and hair. My former boss, a raging tough guy, used the tissues I brought him to delicately dab at the corners of his eyes before bending over the makeup table and snorting another line.

“Ew, dude. That’s mostly drywall.” I raised my lip in a sneer, but he just shook his head and pumped an arm.

“Don’t care baby!” Mr. Sada clapped his hands together and began strutting past me. He vigorously rubbed at his nose. “Does the trick! Let’s go do business!”

We left the bedroom as a group. Mr. Sada led the way, fresh drywall-cut-with-coke dust on his collar, me with my shirtless ensemble and starfish suit, a tall gray slab of an alien called Hobb, and a shaved Malamute dog. Mr. Sada was in fine form and popped his collar up as he descended the stairs with all the confidence the coke gave him. I, on the other hand, hesitated when I saw what awaited us at the bottom of the steps.

A group of four male aliens and a single female were at the bottom of the stairs in the kitchen, spread out around the room. I counted two tall gray men like Hobb, an Orc in what appeared to be full combat armor, and another Orc who dressed very much like Molls. The sole female was a particularly angry looking Nah’gh woman, who wore combat armor like the Orc fighter in the group. Her head was mostly covered in a composite helmet that matched the rest of her clothing, and a large plate of armored material hung down from her skirts. The rest of her tail was nude, considerably shorter than I expected, and her coloring was more like Therrize than Molls. She was covered in dark green and black scales, with vibrant yellow eyes, and circular patterns in her skin.

The Orc in armor, and the Nah’gh woman both carried massive black rifles of some sort and glared at each of us in turn. Me especially, and I noticed the Nah’gh woman staring at my starfish suit. The Orc in robes stepped forward and spread his arms when he noticed us.

“Welcome, my children,” he said in a deep, gravelly voice. “Welcome to the glory and freedom of BuyMort!”

This Orc priest was covered in scarring. He had one eye, the other was milky with a chunk cut out, and it looked like most of his scalp had been torn away by whatever took his eye. His hands were gnarled, laced with old faded green lines, and one of them was missing two fingers. As he approached, I noticed his entourage moved to brace him. The Nah’gh woman and Orc guard sidled around the kitchen counter, and both of the tall gray men who looked remarkably similar to Hobb stepped forward to fill in the gap their leader left when he moved. As a group, they moved in to surround us.

Mr. Sada took this all in, and then grinned. “Thank you! Welcome to the Happy Trails campground, what can we do for you?”

The Orc in front of us shook his head. He had thick white hair on what was left of his scalp, and it hung long over a single shoulder. His tusk on that side was broken as well. Glass crunched beneath his boot as he shifted a foot. “It is what I can do for you, my child, that brings me here this day.”

The Nah’gh woman to my side flicked her tongue out and back in, then took a sharp breath. She fixed me with her eyes and didn’t look away. I did my best to ignore her as the Orc priest in charge continued on.

“I come to partake of this glorious part of the newest BuyMort world. My name is Garthrust, humble priest of BuyMort. I represent the council of Arizona planning, Dearth Conglomerate.” He lowered his hands and clasped them together in front of his robes. “Together, we shall turn this desert into an oasis.” The orc fixed each of us with his single dark eye as he spoke, a small smile rising on his lips. “A good place for smart shoppers.”

Mr. Sada turned back to look at me, and I could see his assessment was the same as mine. He was a jackass, but not an idiot. Had to respect what he did next.

“Thanks, but we’ll pass.” Mr. Sada stepped past the entire crew before him and moved over to his refrigerator. He took out two bottles of the mineral water he liked and cracked both on the counter. After he slid one across to me, he took a long swallow from his own and then leaned on the counter. “We’re working on the place and already have some great tenants. No offense,” he started with a nod to the priest. “But I know a hostile takeover when I see one. This Dearth Conglomerate? Nobody horns in on my business.”

An impressive video ad appeared, with a variety of beings throwing up fortifications around our MortBlock, behind them a battalion of fierce infantrymen clutching futuristic guns. I wondered if Mr. Sada had seen the same thing. It certainly made my heart swell. The ad made me feel like, if we could just get rid of them for now, we could keep them away forever. Closing it carefully became the priority, though I did notice the Orc in robes wave away something from BuyMort as well.

I stepped in close to the Nah’gh woman and picked up the bottle. She didn’t move, aside from her head and eyes, which followed me the entire time. I raised the bottle, tipped it to her, and took a drink. Her grip on her rifle tightened, and her eyes narrowed at me.

Garthrust watched and listened carefully as Mr. Sada spoke. As soon as the man was finished, the priest’s lips began to spread in a smile. “No, Mr. Sada of the Happy Trails campground, I am afraid you do not know a hostile takeover when you see one.” His eyes narrowed and he glanced at me. “Or perhaps you do not know what hostile truly means.”

At that, both his armored guards cocked their weapons simultaneously. Both of the Hobb lookalikes produced short, bladed clubs. Our own Hobb raised his sidearm but looked hesitant. He couldn’t seem to figure out who to point it at. 

The Orc priest’s guards didn’t have that problem. The Nah’gh hissed and opened her mouth to show me dripping fangs, while shoving her gun in my face. The Orc in armor grunted and lifted his gun at Hobb, who responded by feebly pointing his rusty 1911 back at his aggressor. In a firefight, I was betting on the Orc.

I raised my hands and sighed, turning to look at Mr. Sada. He was still smiling, and the coke stain on his collar really stood out in that moment. I shook my head and began mentally preparing to die. Turns out, I didn’t really give much of a shit anymore. My bigger problem was the constant stress and fear. It was just burning me out and everything was turning into annoyance instead of what it was supposed to be. The Nah’gh woman and her pointy fangs and big gun just didn’t scare me. I was too fried.

So when I pushed her gun out of my face and took a sip of my water bottle, she blinked at me. I set the bottle down on the counter and fixed her with a cold stare. “Hey. I’m Tyson. What’s your name?”

The Nah’gh woman’s eyes went wide, and she glanced between me and the priest that clearly commanded them. When she looked back at me, she shoved the gun back in my face and hissed loudly. Her tail whipped on the floor, and I noticed it did not have a rattle like Molls’.

I was squaring my shoulders and cracking my neck when the Orc priest stopped things from escalating any further. “Your Hobb won’t be enough to protect this place, Mr. Sada.” The scarred Orc waved a hand at poor Hobb, whose hands were shaking slightly. “Brave though he is. You need a priest of BuyMort, with backing, or any old gang of roavers will take this place from you.” The priest opened his hands and showed his palms. “I offer valuable information, in exchange for shelter. The church is absolute in their land acquisition authority, for priests seeking shelter in unattached lands. This offer cannot be refused, without making an enemy of the church. The sole holder of the top BuyMort credit ranking.”

Mr. Sada narrowed his eyes at that, but I shoved the gun away again and raised a lip at the Nah’gh woman, before turning my back on her. “We can refuse it, actually.” The priest and his Hobbs turned to face me. None of them wore friendly expressions. “We currently have a priest of BuyMort as a resident. The Church,” I said while pointing at the scarred Orc, “is already represented.”

The air in the kitchen changed immediately. The armored Orc glanced between me, his priest, and Hobb. Mr. Sada perked up and grinned. “Yeah, exactly. So you know, thanks. But no thanks.”

I turned to see the Nah’gh woman behind me blinking rapidly. She was staring at the priest. “You sure you don’t wanna tell me your name? Last chance.” Her eyes narrowed and she scowled down at me. Her gun didn’t rise again though. “Right, fair enough. Hobb?” I raised my eyebrows at the tall grey man. He looked at me, terror and confusion mingling in his eyes. “Escort our guests from the property please, make sure they get on their way safely.” Then I turned to the priest. “Thank you for coming by! It was genuinely just, so nice to meet all of you. Call ahead next time though, please, we’re actually by appointment only.”

He glared at me, one lip curled up to expose his yellowed, sharp teeth. “Who is this priest?”

I clapped my hands together and put on my very best customer service face. “Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s company policy not to discuss our tenants, I’m sure you understand.”

Garthrust raised an eyebrow at that. His lip lowered and he made small motions with both of his hands, one to each of his armored guards. “And if I wish to become a tenant?”

I raised my hand to my lip. “Oh, again, that pesky appointment policy. I would love to discuss the details of our resident program, but company policy prevents me from doing so without a pre-arranged appointment. Now, if you’ll all just follow our associate Hobb, he’ll make sure you get on your way safe and sound.”

Mr. Sada glared at me in confusion, but I just held up a hand to him and continued. “Mr. Sada is a very busy man, I’m sure you understand. Our business is going through a transition, and his leadership is required elsewhere just now. We appreciate your visit though! Thank the Dearth Conglomerate for their interest and let them know we will be reaching out with a relations package to discuss.” I moved around the counter as I spoke and gripped the Orc priest firmly around the shoulders. He fell into step with me, and I spoke as we walked. “Soon,” I said as we approached the front door and glanced over my shoulder. Hobb was waving his handgun at the guards behind us, and they were following, confused expressions on their faces. “Very soon.” I turned and faced him with my best customer service smile.

The Orc narrowed his eyes and thrust his mutilated hand out to me. When I took it, he gripped my forearm and hauled me in close. “You are either a very smart shopper, Tyson, or a very stupid one,” he growled in my ear. Then he swept past me, and Hobb escorted the rest of his entourage out behind him. The Nah’gh woman stared at me as she approached, and when I swept my arm out to indicate the door for her, she paused at my side.

“My name is Retha.” Her voice was deep, but musical. She hefted the rifle over her shoulder and glanced back at me as she slithered out the door. I noticed again that she was significantly shorter in length than Molls.

As Hobb moved to the door behind the exiting crowd, he leaned out and aggressively shouted, “thank you customers!” All of them stopped and turned around.

The armored Orc spit on the ground and shook his head. “Your Hobb is stupid.”

“We know, thank youuuu,” I crooned as they continued their confused walk north. I noticed an armored vehicle of some sort parked up the road, and as they entered it, several companion vehicles started their engines up from further down. A motorcade of armed and armored vehicles rolled past us, including one regular Earth pick-up truck filled with what looked to me like good ol’ boys. Militia members, from the local chapter.

I closed the door and turned. “We are in deep shit, Mr. Sada.” My water bottle was calling to me again, so I stalked over to the counter and snatched it. “What the hell are we gonna do, that bullshit won’t work again.”

Mr. Sada rubbed at his nose and sniffed, then nodded rapidly. He turned to me fully. “Your bluff gives me something to work with, actually. I’ll start talking to these Dearth guys when they reach out, give em the run around for a while. We gotta fix this place up too. You see that construction ad? It promised fortifications within hours.”

My thirst quenched and bottle emptied, I clinked it back down on the counter. “That’s a good start, but they’ll be coming for us with guns soon. Like, maybe tonight soon. I think the priest thing threw them off, but who knows for how long.”

He started tapping his bull ring on the counter again and nodding too fast. “Yeah, good idea. Go talk to the snake chick and find out about this other priest. She may know something about these Dearth guys too.” Mr. Sada looked around, hands on his hips. “I gotta get this place fixed up. Maybe get some fortifications. More Hobbs.” He was talking to himself at that point, so I turned to satisfy my own curiosity. As I approached Hobb, he blinked rapidly and stood up straighter.

“Hey, Hobb.” The gray man flinched, but I continued, “is your name Hobb?”

He shook his head. “Hobb is what I is. Answer to it.”

I shook my head. “That’s fucked up. What’s your name?”

He scowled in confusion. “Hord.”

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My curiosity satisfied, I nodded at him. “Well good work today, Hord. And thanks for backing me up.”

His scowl of confusion stayed, but he started nodding and I focused my attention back to Mr. Sada. “Hey boss, if you’re shopping for our defenses, get me some twelve gauge ammo, yeah? Your slimes stole my stash, but I have a shotgun. Seems like we may need it soon.”

My coked up former boss reached to the small of his back and produced a shining chrome handgun with a snub nose barrel. He waved it in the air and grinned maniacally. “When you have everything, everyone wants it.” He did his very best Pacino impression, which was actually not that bad. I still shook my head and tried to get him to focus.

“Listen, that BuyMort ad, with walls and guns and shit, and I think we really need to get it going. I got the distinct feeling they’re coming back tonight, to try the hard way on us. Can you bring that ad back up and maybe, I don’t know, share it with me so we are both seeing the same thing?”

Mr. Sada grunted. “I can do anything with the power of cocaine,” he said before barking a maniacal laugh. “Get in here Tyson. Let’s see what I can do.”

His eyes went dull for a moment and then the two of us whooshed away to some mental salesroom, leaving our bodies sprawled over the floor and shooting our consciousness directly into some sort of pale blue grid of 1s and 0s. “Don’t go into the light!” I wanted to shout, but I had no voice. At least not until we were floating in the middle of a virtual cube, every side of it peppered with ad listings.

They were strange to look at. The little rectangular boxes struggled and tried to push each other out. Some were much larger than others, and a few even had the ability to glide through the air. “Purchase me!” they cheeped, circling around Mr. Sada, no doubt contributing to some wide-eyed coke fueled nightmare. He lazily reached a hand out to touch them, inadvertently sticking it in my face.

I swatted at his hand to get his attention and get it out of my face. When that didn’t work, I grabbed it. “Mr. Sada, we’ve got to focus. I don’t know how much time we have. Or even how time works here.”

“It’s flying, Tyson. The ads are alive!” He glanced down at his hand and yanked it away. “Mine!” he bellowed, then started to laugh.

I went ahead and examine the screen ahead of me. A pulsing fringe emanated from its edges, and I could smell that this was BuyMort’s Most Magnificent Mall-room Scent Selections. Something I had seen in the ads before, and usually ignored. Each of them was filled with scent based products, piggy-backing on the primary ad. You could order bottles, candles, potpourri, even bath and hair care products from the scent section. I turned away and focused back on Mr. Sadas nonsense.

“What the hell does that mean?” I asked. This whole setup and Sada’s nonsense was starting to put me into a bad mood.

A second later Mr. Sada was screaming, pawing and kicking at the air while he tried to fly away. Next to him had appeared a giant anthropomorphized paper clip floating in the air, giant orbs rolling in front to give the semblance of a face.

“Greetings customer. My name is Clippy. It looks like you are purchasing fortifications and looking to hire some security. Would you like some help with that task?”

I sighed, not particularly wanting to deal with an outdated cartoon. But, with most things BuyMort presented, I got no choice. Clippy had been built from our collective consciousness and given partial agency by BuyMort, to assist us with navigating ads. Every world got something different, and it was always pulled from your collective consciousness. I learned all this later, but in that moment I just felt defeated, as I turned to talk to the cartoon paper-clip.

 “Yeah. Hey there Clippy, we have a large MortBlock that is going to come down around our ears tonight if we don’t pick up some proper protection. Can you look into this guy's Mortie account and bring up our best and most affordable options?”

The paperclip tilted his head forward slightly, a bow maybe or some kind of nod, and then he began to spin in circles, cartoonish spin lines surrounding him. When he finished, all sides of the cube were composed of one singular, gigantically huge ad.

“I have narrowed your selections down to six. You will have to choose your fortification team first, then your mercenary army second. I have also included a list of reviews through which to determine your ultimate provider.”

I gazed over the ads. There were a lot of reviews. Some mercurial and fake looking, like “Great work and great craftsmanship. 5 stars.” Some baffling like “Not gud. Did not finish.” And then there were the useful ones, often long and detailed in their explanations. From what I could gather the six that Clippy had selected were all experienced groups, but each had particular focuses and strengths.

“Hey Clippy, is there any way that you could just gist through all of the interviews and highlighted the common strengths and weaknesses that are commonly mentioned?” I asked the head. He spun again and now the six screens had changed into infographics. The first one had the picture of a learning triangle eared green goblin, its snaggled teeth stretched into a horrific grin.

DA GOBBS – CONSTRUCTION ON A BUDGET

PROS —THEY WORK FOR FREE, AND THEY WORK VERY QUICKLY. THEIR STUFF IS STURDY AND THEY WILL WORK IN PRACTICALLY ANY ENVIRONMENT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.

SPECIAL NOTE “MAKE SURE YOU PAY FOR ANY MATERIALS YOU MIGHT NEED BEFORE, THOUGH, BECAUSE THEY WILL IMPROVISE WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF STUFF TO BUILD WITH AND YOU DEFINITELY DON’T WANT THAT” – GALACTIC PET EMPORIUM 

CONS — YOU HAVE TO GET THEM DRUNK FIRST. AND HIGH. GIVE THEM D’JHZ.

That actually sounded right up our alley. I cast a glance at Mr. Sada and saw him darting his head around wildly to focus on this and that. He was doing fine, now that Clippy was focused on me. It was strange, I could feel the intelligence behind the cartoon paperclip in this space with us. It felt large, encompassing, and slightly terrifying. I focused on the next ad instead.

FILMORE FAIRY FORTIFICATION UNLIMITED — WE MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE

PROS — WILLING TO WORK CHEAPLY IN HAPPY WORK ENVIRONMENTS. GREAT AT MAKING STRUCTURES TO MATCH YOUR DREAMS.

CONS —CONSTANTLY WHISTLING AND SINGING. HAVE A TENDENCY TO NAG. DEADLY WHEN ANGERED. POTENTIALLY PROBLEMATIC VIEWS ON RACE, SPECIFICALLY HUMAN.

That one sounded like a nightmare. I moved on, hoping for something better.

WALLY THE WALL-GUY BUILDER BUILDIFICATION SQUAD!

I waved that one away immediately. Didn’t want to deal with it. In fact, looking back at Mr. Sada, I realized I just wanted it done and a bunch of fast drunk builders sounded great. Nothing in their reviews said they’d do a bad job of it.

“Give me Da Gobbs,” I commanded, and a moment later the cube went dark. TRANSACTION COMPLETE. YOUR LABOR FORCE IS ON ITS WAY.”

“Alright, show me security forces, best and most affordable again,” I said. There was a quiet moment as if the AI were processing my command, and then the 6 sides lit up again.

I peered intently at all of them:

TRIBE BLUECLEAVE – Deadly with a conscience. The HobGobs of this unit have a long history of honorable combat. Dangerous, smart and to the point. Shop tough, Shop Tribe BlueCleave, where the customer is number one.

THE RAVEN’S CLAW — Strike first and defend only as a last resort. These aerial bruisers preempt attacks and bring hostility to the aggressor. Specialized insertion teams supported by space and aerial bombardment, their attacks are expensive, but their results are priceless.

ROGAN’S HEROES —Rogan’s heroes don’t need a plan because they are the plan. A multi-versal bar crawling club in constant need of cash, these guys and gals don’t get bogged down with tactics, preferring to charge attacks and engage in melee. Keep them drunk and they’ll be our best friends for life.

THE AMAZING SQUAD — Five ex-commandos with a practically impervious multi-versal van filled with an uncountable number of gadgets, they are real heroes for hire and what they lack in numbers they make up for in gritty commentary and edgy catchphrases.

RENTAL RESISTANCE — Got a mall or factory that needs protecting? These are your guys. Every member of the Rental Resistance served in the military or police force and though the years have worn them down, they are downright cheap and quite knowledgeable.

TWO GUYS AND A TRANDSDIMENSIONAL PULSE ION CANNON — Ever seen a bad guy and thought Kaboom? These are your guys. They’ll portal in and give you one shot. You’ll have to pay full price for each shot after. Good for assassinations and vaporizing singular aholes.

This one wasn’t a hard decision either. Unlike the rest of them Tribe BlueCleave seemed to offer a good amount of soldiers, support and equipment. Plus, they were about thirty thousand morties cheaper than most any of their competition. Perfect for defending the MortBlock. And they also had a reputation that suggested they wouldn’t be sticking us in our backs and would stay it through the battle. I selected the mercenary group and moments later Sada and I sparked back into the reality around us.

Mr. Sada threw up. I cast him a dirty glance then got to my feet. There was still a lot more stuff to get done.

“Try not to shoot anything while I’m gone,” I said as I left. Doofus fell into easy step with me, and we left through the garage, so I could sell my own blood puddle as I went. It netted me a cool fourteen morties, which still was nowhere near enough to buy myself anything useful. Still, felt good to get something back from it.

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