Chapter 4: Catharsis is beating the ever-lovin’ crap of future apprentices

When I woke up, my sight had been dyed orange by my anger towards Noticia and their incomparable bullshit.

 

Why was my sight not dyed red, like in the movies from the 60’s to the 90’s? Well… Mainly because technically, I did not spontaneously make a filter of colour out of thin air due to sheer rage appear right in front of my eyes.

 

That would be stupid and illogical. Why would someone even think of that as a legitimate option?

 

But what I had done, apparently, was grow soooo angry, my body broke its internal limits and generated a stupid amount of heat. How? Who knows? Certainly not me! I don’t even know my own name, age, gender, or species no more!

 

Heck, I don’t even know if I’m speaking English! I mean, I probably am… But how do I know for sure? It ain’t like I could just recite the alphabet anymore…

 

Or can I?

 

Start the jingles, the inside of my head! And a-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, hup!

 

Aye, Baye, Saye, Daye, Aeye, Aeffe, Gee…

 

I paused for dramatic effect. Noone can say nothing about pauses for dramatic effect if there ain’t noone to say nothin’!

 

Ayhhe, Aye,  Jaye, Kaye, Elle, Ayme, Enne, Oh, Pee.

Pee, Queue, Arrgh, Esse, Tea.

 Arrgh, Esse, Tea, You, Whee, Double-You, Axe, Why, Zee.

 

Hmm. Alright, I know the letters of the alphabet! Before I could proceed with my introspection regarding the me-sized holes in my memories, the film of orange in front of my eyes had dissipated. It had taken a solid three seconds, at least. Enough for me to sing the entire alphabet song, with time for a chorus.

 

Before I could, however, a thin stick slammed onto my head. It looked to be the other end of a walking stick.

 

I snapped my mouth closed due to the pain and cradled my head injury. I was already an idiot from before this, but now some turtle (yes, I remembered the reason behind my impromptu coma, the hit on the head was a wonderful de-concussion-iser. Ps- I dont know how concussions work, but I stopped getting distracted by tangents after getting hit by that stick, so bite me.) threatened my intelligence even further, pushing further down the path of idiocy than any who walked it prior.

 

No thanks! I’m at the perfect level of intelligence as I am now! Before I could say anything however, Master Oogway- Kach spoke.

 

“Hmm, understand me vell, do you?”

 

“Huh? What? Master oogda? Huh? Am I stuck somewhere other than where I thought? What on-”

 

Before I could continue my thoughts, I received another IQ-reduction straight to the head. Ouch.

 

“Now. Listen once and listen vell. I am not some idiot philanthropist looking to fix you up ‘from ze good of my heart’ or some such nonsense. Patience for this nonsense, in my possession iz not. Understand me, you vill, only till the sun sets. To learn from me, learn to speak to me. In this book, you vill find the basics to ze language and the exercises you vill perform.”

 

The turtle dropped the book, which must have weighed at least a couple pounds, on my face without regard for my safety or emotions. Had I not dodged, I would have been a flat-nosed young girl now instead of a plain old young girl.

 

As he walked away, he said something, which I almost couldn’t catch, “Ze arts of your race are very interesting. Looking forward to our conversation, I vill be.”

 

It took until he closed the door behind him on his vay-way out. Damn. The accent is in my thoughts. Purge! Purge!!!

 

I don’t wanna sound like a russian mad-scientist from an 80’s B-movie. I wanna sound like an American mad scientist from any movie with American antagonists!

 

Wait. That sounds wrong. Forget that, he is getting away!

 

I snapped out of bed and rushed towards the door that was closing in slo-mo. Or at least, that was what I thought would happen.

 

Instead, I immediately lost my balance and fell on the floor. My feet could not support my weight, it would seem. What am I, a newborn goat?

 

As I tried to push myself into a standing position using my hands and the bed, I got hit by a wave of immense weakness throughout my body. It felt like that time I had diarrhoea for four straight days in a row and neglected to have my sugar water.

 

In other words, I can totally grit my teeth and bear through this! The hard part will be standing up, after that, I can totally manage to walk the five-ish steps to the door and stop that blasted Russian Oogway!

 

Alright! One, two, push!!!!!

 

Alright, I got to my knees, I can see the top of the bed now, just a couple more! One, two, push!!!!

 

Alright! That push got me all the way to a seated position on the cot! Excellent! Now, for the final push.

 

Also, why am I calling it a push? It ain’t like I’m poppin’ a baby outta me or nothin’. I’m just tryna’ stand up!

 

Alrightey then. PUSH MY WEIGHT TO MY FEET!!!

 

That’s it! I managed to stand up! Now to hold the nearest stable surface with a death grip. Damn, I’m on fire! I managed to walk a step!

 

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If an outside observer were to see what was happening in the hut from, say, an open sunroof created from a falling body a couple days prior, they would see a child try to get up from bed, immediately fall down on the floor face first, upon tripping on flat ground, get back up on the bed after some light manoeuvres that left her huffing and puffing like she ran a half-marathon,

 

After which, upon learning from her mistakes, she did what any sane person ought to do.

 

She picked up a stick and tried again, in the exact same manner as the first time, now improved via stick.

 

Much to her audience’s surprise, the kid managed to stand up on this attempt and manage to stay stable in the standing position too! If the observer were to have been religious, he would have claimed it to be a minor miracle.

 

But neither religion, nor miracles, have any place in the World beyond the blighted Edge. But still, hope was a poison that seeped through decades of anguish and despondency.

 

Such a horribly wonderful poison it was, that spread its roots from tiny cracks in the safe haven that was his mind, never to leave again. It urged him to do what he had sworn never to do again.

 

It made him want to waste his time on incompetents once more. To waste his time for something he was not going to gain any returns on.

 

But, argued a side of himself he had thought long dead, it is certainly not like you have anything useful to spend that time you are so afraid to waste. At least you can brush up on the basics while the kid spends her life.

 

I mean, what is the harm in trying? Not like you lack the boredom to go forth with this.

 

The observer sighed, and began preparations for a little project that would change his life as he knew it, along with the whole world. Not that he cared much, change was always in the cards.

 

What he did not expect was for the change to hit him like a sledgehammer, and change his game from blackjack to poker.

 

He was in for a wild ride, and he just signed a contract until death does him part.

 

He will regret this moment many, many, many times in the future, but that is not something for him to know at the moment.

 

And thus, our little pain in the roof landed herself in a frying pan, set to become the best dish there ever was under the direction of a russian-accented turtle.

 

Of course, first, she must walk the five steps she needs to walk out of the door.

 

That bloody door literally inches beyond her reach. The girl looked to be seconds away from blowing a vein, so the turtle granted her one final gift before leaving the book, the sandals, and the field to her.

 

He granted her the gift of the ability to sleep peacefully and awake completely refreshed. She will thank him later for it, he thought. She didn’t.

 

For some reason, being given the ability to sleep like a log for twelve to sixteen hours each day to have perfectly functioning higher functions was not ‘worth it’ for her. How weird. Different species truly had differing values.

 

He needed to sleep. Perhaps when he woke up once more, he would have an overcompensated apprentice to spend his time on and burn his cursed boredom away on.

 

I woke up.

 

What?

 

When did I fall asleep? Why do I feel so refreshed? What in the name of that blasted mouse with pockets deeper than that duck with glasses happened to me?

 

I jumped up from the bed and almost began cussing to high heavens. Before I could though, I noticed something totally awesome!

 

I could jump up and raise my hands to high heavens! Finally! I jumped from joy and performed a perfect single backflip.

 

Huh?

 

I tried again. I nailed the backflip again. How? I never learned how before! Alright. Once more! This time, with style!

 

I breathed in deeply, as I spread my legs into a horse stance, and put all of the effort I could muster into jumping the perfect jump.

 

Then, I jumped. I tilted my head backwards as I did so, naturally allowing me to create backwards facing angular momentum. Then, when my head was about a third of the way through to becoming totally horizontal, I bent my neck forward and flexed my core muscles hard. I tucked my legs inside the safety of my arms in record time. In fact, by the time I had managed to begin exhaling again, I was already done with the flip.

 

So I held my legs. I had enough airtime left, probably, to manage one more flip. I nailed the landing too, needing no correcting tiny jump after I landed. A perfect, totally unbiased 10/10!

 

Newsflash, I did, in fact, have enough time for one more flip. So, somehow, I managed to perform a double backflip on my very first proper day up in this body? Who cares about the logistics!

 

I managed to do a double backflip for the first time in my whole entire life! Heck, it was the first backflip I ever did in my whole entire life!

 

Something tells me I will enjoy my new life a whole lot more than I thought I would, the last time I thought about it.

 

And cut! Stop rolling the camera! Thanks miss! Till next time, on, umm, what is it this week? Elf Ball 9001? That sounds wrong… Who cares! 

 

Till next time, on Elf ball 9001!

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