Chapter 11: Chapter 11: The Masks We Wear

I stared at the massive set of data that Alexis had sent over to me, trying to make sense of it all. She hadn’t just sent me what she had on her own design and specifications. No, this was data on the entire colony; sure, much of it was encrypted, but there was a lot here. Well, the first thing that needed to be tackled was Alexis’ new body.

Sure, I probably could just modify the construction drone to be waterproof. We had the supplies and I could even do that without needing the colony’s foundry. But that wasn’t enough. She tried to hide it, but I could hear the frustration in Alexis’ voice when she talked about the limitations imposed on her. I owed it to her to work harder, to do better. She’d shown me nothing but kindness and care, putting my needs above her own. I wasn’t worthy of such things, so the least I could do was build something she would love.

Cross-referencing her design specifications with my ship’s archives, I was pleased to find that all of her principles were based on theories that were explored before climatefall, but had been abandoned in the wake of that all-consuming disaster. The colonists had merely taken those theories to their logical conclusion and put in the work to make them a practical reality.

I found myself mesmerized by the notes from Dr. Tabitha, the project lead. (Why the doctor didn’t match the one in the video log, I couldn’t tell you.) She had kept meticulous notes regarding the creation of Alexis; thoughts on the nature of AI, philosophical musings on how to ensure that AI and humanity could work together to achieve so many wonderful things, and the most surprising aspect of all: how Dr. Tabitha wanted her creation to have the ability to choose their own path, to be a willing partner rather than a subservient machine. It was a bit jarring given what I had seen of Founder and his influence on the rest of the colony. Dissent in the ranks, perhaps?

 

I was interrupted from my study by my stomach growling and my chest continuing to itch like crazy. I hopped to my feet and winced as my hips ached with a soreness I had not noticed before. I had hoped the nanites were close to being done with their work, but I suppose there were more surprises in store. Puttering around the kitchen, I assembled another tuna melt, since it was easy and the ingredients had already been unpacked, and munched away at it while I sorted through my thoughts. This clearly wasn’t going to be a project of just a day or two; even with the helpful data, it would take me at least a week or two to come up with something I could test. 

 

Finishing my meal, I started to tidy up in the kitchen when my arm brushed past my chest and I felt an almost electric sensation course through me that had me tensing up in an involuntary reaction. It had never been this sensitive before! The feeling faded after a bit, but I found myself confused at the tactile response I was getting; something was clearly off and I suspected yet another nanite surprise.

Concerned, I walked over to the bathroom. Truth be told, I had been putting off doing a full body inspection, never was a fan of looking at myself, but something was going on and avoiding it wasn’t doing me any good. I flicked on the lights, closed my eyes, and took off my clothes in a rush, wincing as I jostled the newly sore and sensitive parts of my body.

With grit and determination, I opened my eyes and looked into the mirror, softly gasping at what I saw. From the neck up, nothing was new from when I had last checked, still that sort of androgynous and soft face looking back at me. But below that, there was a lot of newness. My previously stocky and wide frame had slimmed and even started to curve around the hips. Between said hips–well, that inspection could come later. The gut that used to give me so much grief was smaller now, almost cute in a way, and my chest had swelled into what any reasonable person would describe as ‘breasts’. I poked them, disbelieving. This…this was me? Everything felt so soft, the itching faded as soon as I’d taken off my clothes, and I shivered in the cool air. Clearly I needed softer clothing, something that wouldn’t irritate my new little additions.

Thoughts raced through my mind as I looked up and down, noting all the little changes to my form and watching my tail swish with delight. I knew, I think, on some level what the nanites were doing to me. I might have always known, deep down. Now, though, now I couldn’t ignore it. Tears ran down my face as I felt an almost manic joy overcome me. What could this mean? Shouldn’t I…hate this? I wasn’t ignorant, half my polycule was trans and I had been there every step of the way as they figured things out. But none of that applied to me, surely? I would have known?

No, no. That couldn’t be for me, could it? Why was I so damn happy? I moved this way and that, my traitorous body sending shivers of delight through me as I noted the still changing facets of my shape. Could it be that simple? Was my discomfort about myself simply because I had been trying to be something I’m not?

I jumped as a loud alert ran through the ship. Oh NO! Rosa and Celica’s check-in! They couldn’t see me like this! I wasn’t ready, everything was confused, how would they react, how would SELENE REACT? Time…I needed more time. I ran over to the console and shot a quick text message to indicate the signal was received, but there would be a short delay before I hopped on. A response came through immediately: No worries, Celica is dealing with hibernation nausea, so it will just be me on the call. Take your time, hope everything is safe and well on Venus. --Rosa.

Okay, I had a bit of time. Gotta think, gotta think. First off, I needed something to wear. Rosa would certainly be pleased to see a naked, feminine person on the line no doubt, but I would literally die of embarrassment. Oh, why couldn’t it be Celica instead? Ey wasn’t nearly as eager to tease me as Rosa and Selene were.  I dug through the storage compartments, looking for some of Selene’s things they had sent along with me since my space needs were light and there had been room to spare. C’mon, c’mon, there had to be something…aha! 

 

I raised aloft my prizes: a soft and light black tank top, Selene’s old college hoodie (Cairo University, top of their class), and a pair of soft sweatpants. Perfect! I’d have to sort out undergarments later; hopefully the tank top was enough to keep my new bits from distracting me. Toddering over to the bathroom once more, I took a look at myself in the mirror. 

 

Oh no. I was cute! Apparently I had shrunk enough that Selene’s hoodie looked huge on me, my hands barely peeking out from the ends of the sleeves and the hem reached my knees. The whole effect was adorable and I couldn’t help but feel a fluttering in my chest at the sight. This was really me, wasn’t it? How was I going to explain this to Rosa, much less Selene? My ears flattened as I nervously paced. 

 

Shit, I’d nearly forgotten that Rosa was waiting on me. Well, I’ll have to face her eventually. Making my way to the comms console, I sent the signal indicating that I was ready for video. I waited and soon after the screen came alive. A woman with dark, curly hair, warm brown eyes, and a welcoming smile appeared and looked at me before tilting her head in confusion. 

 

“Oh! Hello there, I was expecting to speak with Sol. Selene didn’t say anything about a girl…oh wait! Are you Alexis, by chance?” Rosa looked at me with gentle, open friendliness that made my gut clench in anxiety. 

 

She thought I was Alexis? Oh no, this wouldn’t do. Selene must not have left many details. I couldn’t pretend to be Alexis and I definitely couldn’t tell her that I’m Sol. She wouldn’t believe me and at the moment, I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to be Sol either. C’mon, kitty, think. I fidgeted in place, Rosa patiently awaiting my answer (she was so kind and thoughtful) as I wracked my brain. My tail caught my attention and I felt the vague recollection of something Alexis had said. Like a bolt of thunder, it hit me. I could be Callie! Callie, maybe Calliope in full (always liked Greek stories); yeah, that could work. Sol was a mess, but Callie could be friendly and get along great with Rosa. My ears wiggled with delight. I could do this, I could play a character and figure stuff out later. 

 

“Ah, yes, um, Sol couldn’t come to this as he is, uh, sick with some kind of Venusian flu! That’s right. I’m actually Callie, a friend! Alexis is also out trying to find stuff for Sol and that is why she isn’t here. She is much taller than I am.” Yeah, great work, Callie. Sounded reaaaal confident there. 

 

Rosa smiled. “Ah! Another new friend then. I’m sorry to hear about Sol, that poor lad always works too hard and never takes care of himself. Such a sweetheart, too. Still, I thought the colony was uninhabited nowadays. Selene mentioned Alexis being an AI who had survived and stayed online, are you another AI?” 

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“Oh, no, I was uh, born here! Yeah!” Shit, why did I say that? That doesn’t make any sense, though I guess in a way Callie was born here even if I wasn’t. Err, but I’m Callie. I think. I shook my head to clear it. “It is very nice to meet you, Sol has told me a lot about you.” Great save, good job, Callie. 

“Ah, I see. Well, I don’t have much to cover. The journey is going well, everything is within expected parameters. We should arrive on Venus without any trouble, possibly a little earlier than scheduled as we are seeing some excellent results from a bit of tinkering the gals on Luna did with the engines before we set out. I’ll send over some of the data, I know Sol will love reading through what they did, though I can’t make heads or tails of it.” She’s right, he would. “Lets see, ah! Make sure to remind Sol to take good notes and try to save any documentation or logs that he finds. He knows how much I love records. That should be all, for now, I definitely look forward to chatting with you more and getting to know you once we arrive. It’s good that you are there, Sol always gets nervous on his own and does better around the ladies.” She had the audacity to wink at me. 

 

I spluttered and blushed for a moment before collecting myself. “Yeah, he’s a good fellow and I’m glad to be here! I’ll pass that along for sure. Give Celica my love, signing off!” 

Rosa beamed the widest grin at me before the screen went dark and I realized with a start that my last words were not something Callie would have said. 

 

Maybe she bought it? Oh god, what if she figured it out? I hated lying to her, but it felt wrong to tell her the truth until I figured out what that truth was. Alright, Callie, you need to sort this out. You aren’t a dummy, you know that this all means something. Every little wince whenever Rosa used masculine terms should be proof enough for you. What else do you want? Who do you want to be?

I got up and paced for a bit before sitting right back down on the couch, wrapping my arms around myself. Taking a deep breath, I noted that my new sense of smell was able to pick up on Selene’s lingering scent on the hoodie and that brought me an odd sense of calm. Deep breaths. Okay, so let's face the facts. The nanites clearly were hard at work not only making me a cat person, but a cat girl. Furthermore, I wasn’t bothered by this. I knew that it was very likely, if I was the cis boy I had claimed to be, I would be bothered. Heh, cis boy. Never did like being called a man, boy sounded a little better. It was endurable at least. 

 

But could it all really be so simple? Could I really just be Callie? Even the name felt really good even though I’d only had it for a little while. Fuck, I was finding excuses to call myself Callie in my own head. I knew what that meant, I’d been there for Selene figuring things out and then figuring them out again when they found something that suited them better. God, how would I tell Selene? Would they still like me? Oh, well, no, that was easy. I’d literally watched Selene date quite a few women in our time together. They’d have no problem with me being one. Maybe.

What would Alexis think? Oh god, she might think this is a ploy to woo her. I sat there as she hinted with all the subtlety of a meteor impact that she was a lesbian. She’ll think I’m some kind of AI chaser…fuck, no, I can figure that out later. I keep getting sidetracked. 

 

Starting now, Callie is gonna be a gal who makes decisions. Who doesn’t get wrapped up in her own head. Not like Simon. That guy was such a drag, always making things worse for everyone else. His own parents didn’t even love him! That’s why they just left him in the middle of nowhere, alone! If it wasn’t for this stupid colony– Wow. Where did that come from? I hadn’t felt that angry in a long time. Had I really spent so long just numb to my feelings? My mind raced as a bunch of interactions and moments in my memories gained new context. 

 

That was it then. The answer was staring me in the face all along and I couldn’t see it until the face was one that I didn’t hate. I’m Calliope and I’m a girl.