Chapter 14: Thirteen – Off With Her Head

I stepped into the next room of the dungeon, my eyes roaming across clean stone floors and walls decorated with banners of red and black, each with a different symbol piece on its surface. A heart, a diamond, a club and a spade. The room led to a smaller door that had a sign hanging next to it.

Doth not disturbe

-By the royal decree of the Queene of Hearts

“Well, that’s ominous,” I said. I wasn’t going to knock if they didn’t want to be disturbed, but I doubted just standing around was going to do me any good. I carefully opened the door (the sign didn’t say I couldn’t go in, only that I couldn’t cause a disturbance) and peeked around.

It was a courtroom, with balconies along the sides looking down at a box where the guilty could stand. Off to one side of the main floor was a large guillotine and next to that the judge’s platform. The door opened onto the balcony level, where they circled around the entire courtroom. There were people!

Well, not people-people. The room was filled with four dozen square people, each one very thin but quite large and dressed in either black or red. I saw spears and swords hanging from hips or standing by their sides. They looked like playing cards with arms and legs and heads sticking out.

In the judge’s area below was an ostentatious throne on which a large woman sat, her head covered in an elaborate red wig with a pair of crowns on it with plenty of little hearts. Before her, in the box reserved for the guilty was a younger looking person with the same bodily dimensions. He was unarmed, hands manacled together by large chains

It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was happening here, the jack was being judged by the queen for having committed some crime.

A few of the people turned my way when the door clicked shut behind me. I froze, then waved while smiling sheepishly. They turned back to watch the show.

People that didn’t instantly want to kill me!

I moved over as quietly as I could and found a spot where I could look over the rails while keeping a few feet’s distance between me and the others.

“Sir Jack of Spades,” the queen said in a high-pitched voice like a mom calling a kid that was on the second floor. “You are accused of the crime of grand theft cake. How do you plead?”

The Jack of Spades stood up tall and proud. “I plead... not guilty.”

“Then you’re a liar then?” the queen asked in the same high tones. She picked up a fan and began waving it towards her face. A face smeared in what looked a lot like cake.

“I am not, your Majesty. I am a loyal Jack.”

“Then how, pray tell, did my cake go missing. It was by my side, and then it was not. Were you not guarding my person?” she asked.

“I was, your majesty, and no one approached you or the royal confectionary.”

“Then where, is, my, cake?” the queen asked as she snapped her fan shut and pointed it quite dramatically at the Jack.

“Your majesty,” the Jack said. “I suspect you ate it.”

A gasp sounded out across the entire courtroom.

What? I could see the cake stains all over her face from where I stood. This entire thing was obviously a sham! But then, should I really interfere?

“Off! Off with his head!” the queen shouted.

“Wait!” I called out.

My voice quieted all the murmurs and I suddenly found myself the centre of a whole lot of attention. I swallowed and inspected the nearest person just in case.

A Cardstock Man, Three of Hearts, level 2.

Not too strong, but there were so many. I couldn’t stand against them. The smart thing to do would be to apologize and stay quiet.

The smart thing.

But not the right thing.

“I think that the Jack of Spades is innocent!” I called.

“Innocent? Innocent!” the queen shouted. “Come down here, fool child, and stand before me so that I might see your fool face!”

I huffed, screwed up my courage, and leapt off the ledge. I sailed through the air for a couple of long seconds before landing and rolling to bleed off momentum. I got to my feet and stood before the queen.

She looked a lot taller from the ground floor with her imposing throne around her. Not that she was tall, all the cardstock people were pretty short, the tallest one was barely as tall as I was.

The queen seemed to notice as much. “Ace! Bring out the measuring staff. This interloper seems... tall for this courtroom.”

“Is that a problem?” I asked.

“The law dictates that none who are taller than the staff of judgement may stand within this room and be suffered to live,” the queen said. “Foolish girl child, you ought to know your place.”

I was nervous for a moment as a Cardstock person walked over to me, but when he placed the staff next to me it was clear that I was a few centimeters shorter.

The queen’s eyes narrowed, but she nodded and waved the Ace away. “Very well, plead the case of the Jack. Plead it well and perhaps he, and you, shall leave this place unharmed.”

“I...” I paused to swallow. I couldn’t just point to her face and say the cake was still there. “Your most majestic of majesties. It is difficult to prove a negative, so I will suggest an alternative sentencing. If the queen has her cake, does the Jack truly deserve to lose his head?”

The queen considered that for a moment. “Yes, yes he does, for having taken the cake in the first place.”

“Ah, okay then,” I said.

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“So you’re willing to stand aside and allow this fool to be judged properly?” the queen said, her voice reaching whole new levels of haughty.

“What if I bring the queen a replacement cake?” I asked.

The queen’s eyes lit up. “A replacement, you say.”

“Yes, your majesty. A cake unlike any to be found in your hallowed halls.”

The queen set aside her fan and picked up a gavel which she banged onto the arm of her throne a few times. “Very well! The court shall recess for one hour! Upon the end of which either a new cake shall be eaten, or you will both be judged as cake thieves of the highest order, and will lose your heads!”

I swallowed and shot an insight at the queen.

The Cardstock Queen of Hearts, Level 3.

Tough. Not as dangerous as Maddy, according to whatever gave things levels, but dangerous all the same. And she had guards and a whole kingdom at her beck and call.

“I’ll be back!” I said.

This time I took the stairs and shot out of the room, only just picking up my backpack on the way out.

My plan was simple, but it relied on a few things that I wasn’t certain about. Notably, that I could return to the courtroom without having to refight the first floor boss Maddy all over again. The mushrooms were a bit tricky, but with my newfound jumping skills I made it up with little trouble. Then it was through the entrance where I found no time-travel bunnies but I did find a plate with a cake on it. A cake with the words Eat-Me written on them.

I sniffed the cake, and poked a corner with a pinkie. It was nice and moist still. A cleaning spell took care of my dirty finger for one whole point of mana.

A poisoned cake of enlargening.

It... wasn’t a deadly poison then. Still... yes, there was a solution there. One that the dungeon has obviously planned with this cake at its centre. It was like a big puzzle! I wondered if there was a similar solution to Maddy’s part of the dungeon that I had just missed.

The return trip was a lot harder. Balancing a cake while bouncing around was no easy feat. Still, I made it to the courtroom door and opened it with an elbow, breathing a sigh of relief when it opened without fuss or muss.

“What took you so long?” the queen screeched from her royal throne; her fingers were tapping a beat upon the royal arm-rest and she seemed utterly impatient even if it had probably taken me less than ten minutes to go up and come back.

“I bring you your royal cake, your majesty,” I said with a careful bow.

“Ace,” the queen said.

The Ace card, still holding the staff, returned to my side and carefully took the cake. I shifted on the spot, waiting as the Ace brought the cake closer to the queen, then deposited it upon a table brought forth by two numbers.

“I’m sorry if this doesn’t work out,” I told the Jack of Spades.

The Jack looked at me, then smiled. “You are a brave one, to stand for what is right rather than what is easy. I thank you.”

That had warm fuzzies rumbling in my tummy and when I turned to the queen it was with a smile upon my lips.

“I will now taste this... cake, and decide on its value. If it is of poor quality, then we shall see about shortening your heads!” The queen dipped a silver fork into the cake, then took a careful bite. She chewed as if thinking, then took another bite. “Ace, bring me the royal milk!”

The card person bowed a little then moved off, returning a moment later with a silver platter with a glass cup. The queen pinched it between two fingers and tossed the entire contents down her mouth.

I held back a grin. The queen was growing bigger by the moment. “Here’s your chance,” I told the Jack. “Your majesty!” I said. “You’ve eaten too much cake.”

“What?!” she said, her attention suddenly all on me. She took another forkful of cake, but had a hard time on account of the fork becoming smaller in her hands. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Your greed has made you fat!” I accused, putting a bit of theatricality into it because it was fun. The gasps from the court-viewers had me holding back a giggle. “Look, soon you’ll be too big for this courtroom.”

The Ace stepped up and brought the staff next to the queen. She was, indeed, too big for the room, even sitting down she was half a head taller. “What nonsense is this?” she demanded to know.

But it was too late. The murmurs in the crowd had turned into suspicion and someone started to raise the large blade of the guillotine with loud squeaks of a pulley. “She is right!” the Jack of Spades said as two other Jacks came to undo his manacles. “The queen has broken the law. Off with her head!”

“I cannot break the law, I am the law!” The queen shouted.

It was drowned out in a chorus of ‘off with her head!’ and a flood of number cards grabbed the queen and started dragging her ever larger body towards the gallows.

I couldn’t watch. I knew that they were all constructs, but the idea of seeing someone’s head just... no, it was too much. The queen’s protests died with the sound of steel slicing through bone and I had to swallow to keep my gorge from rising.

Then a ding sounded out and I opened my eyes.

Dungeon Alert:

Second Floor Boss Defeated. 24 hours until respawn.

Dungeon Boss Room Unlocked!

I was out in the main shaft of the Dungeon again, the green sky above and the door to the courtroom closed behind me. That... had only taken an hour or so, I judged.

Congratulations! Through repeated actions your Insight skill has improved and is now eligible for rank up!

Rank C costs one (1) General Point

“Ohh, shiny!” I said a moment before a spade landed on my head.

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