Chapter 6: This story is for her.

All my friends are tell my I'm delusional. That she's really not as good as she is. But I have a hard time believing that. She's perfect in every way, and I can't imagine what life would be like without her. 

They just don't see what I see, right?

I turned to my ghostly friend, Jared, the eternal cynic. 

"Yeah well, you're not even dating. I'm not sure if you're even in the friend zone. Frankly, you could probably die and she wouldn't even notice." Jared said. 

That was probably his dialect of telling me that it would work out. 

***

I cam back home from school biting my finger nails. 

I really, really, really hate myself. If only my parent's genetics weren't so fucked I wouldn't have this problem. Every single time I try to say something, I fuck up the words and stutter. Badly. It's humiliating. If only I had a clear mind, everything would be perfect. 

"RIGHT JARED?"

The ghost didn't come out. I could still hear his voice, but I couldn't see him anywhere. I know I didn't take my prescriptions today, so he's definitely hiding. I'll find him today if it's the last thing I do. 

"Stephan? STEPHAN? STEPHAN SCHIZO! GET OVER HERE THIS INSTANT."

Oh boy. Time to deal with my home life again. 

***

I put on an obedient face as my mother lectured me. She talked for a good five ish minutes, and finally let me go. Whatever she said, I'm glad that I don't remember it to well. 

Probably one of the few benefits to having someone chatting in your ears 24/7.

***

I woke up, alone, and I felt like normal. Which was absolutely bat shit horrible. My head hurt and I had a strong desire to sink back into bed. But I didn't. I showered, put on my best set of clothes, and brushed my teeth. 

***

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I could still hear voices muttering in my ears, but I had practiced this for weeks. Even months. Now all I had to do was stop being stupid. I began to recite my lines one more time, until I realized that I was biting my nails. 

I shook my head. I couldn't blow this one shot. 

"Hmmm... I'm not too impressed champ." Jared said, "you could probably work on your eye contact."

"Shut the fuck up," I replied. 

I got this. I got this. I got it. Right? Yeah I got it. 

***

I cannot believe what just happened. For her to not be disgusted by my muttering is already a win. For her to like me back? I wasn't even sure if this was an option. If there was a question if a exists a god out there exists, I have found the answer. And the answer is yes. 

"Your stupid smile is going to extend off your face if you keep grinning."

"Ok Jared. If you're on your period, just say so."

"HEY!"

I laughed. Nothing could ruin my mood.

***

The next few weeks were a blur. Every day waking up was an achievement. To see my perfect girlfriend each morning, I would never take it for granted and I'd always love her. My love burned bright like the sun, destined to light up her world for the rest of our lives. 

Our dates were perfect. Her smile was everything to me. The way she laughed, how she was obsessed with old video games, her slight clumsy nature, everything was just so perfect. I could go on and on and on. And I would!

We had a special kind of connection, we didn't even need words most of the time. Our eyes would meet, and she'd start to smile and I'd start to smile. We didn't need a "Good Morning", we could see it in each other's eyes. And we both knew how much we loved each other. 

Doing all the small things no longer felt like a chore to me. Waking up, cooking breakfast, and making coffee all brought a wave of satisfaction and relief that just didn't exist before. Forget being on the same chapter, we were always perfectly on the same page. 

I knew that she'd always have my back. I'd trust her to choose me over millions and billions of dollars. And I'd choose her over any sum of money any time faster in a heartbeat. 

***

"Jared. Tell me how she's so perfect. If you can find a single fault I'll be surprised."

"It's you buddy. She's not real. Goofball."

My heart slightly dropped. I reached for her hand instantly, she drew it back. I look at her eyes, and she looked back. 

"Haha, sorry, I di-didn't meant, I mean mean, to scare you. There was something on your hand" I laughed awkwardly.

She still smiled, and I was entranced again. I could get lost forever in her eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes put a spell on me.

***

And one month in we still hadn't held hands. Which was ok! I'm totally down to follow her pace.

"Mmm Hmmm..." Jared gave me a side eye that told me he was suspicious. 

"You sure it's not copium? You coping bro?"

"Nahhhh, she just likes taking things slow. I'm sure this relation ship is going to work itself out soon. Trust me, just watch," I told him confidently. 

***

One month turned into six. Six months turned into one year. One love that burned like the sun turned into a forest fire. A forest fire was quenched by the waters of reality. 

"I'm sure the problem is just me right? I can fix this, I can fix this. Easy, it's so fixable. I just change one or two habits and boom! We're back together baby!" I exclaimed to Jared.

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"Hmmmm... I'm not too sure buddy. Your love looks like a dying star. Burning strong and bright. Destined to stop and end with a bang. Just don't make it creepy when you end it ok?" Jared chuckled.

I rolled my eyes. What else would I expect from Mr. Negative? Even a morsel of pity? Of course not. It didn't matter anyway. I didn't need his help to fix myself. 

I couldn't even notice that I had chewed off half of my fingernails. 

***

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm worried 24/7 that I'll do something wrong to her. I know she hates it when I'm clingy, but I need her. She's like water that provides life to everyone.

Without her... Without her... Without her I don't even know who I am. And I don't want to know what that kind of me looks like. 

Every day I'm paranoid. She's my sun, and my life is revolving around her. But that's ok, that's ok. It's ok, because that's what I want. It's what I want. 

***
"Yeah you should break up. Are you gonna do it now or later?" Jared asked.

"Never."

"I know I look gaunt Jared. Thats the effects of Love. Trust me. It's all gonna work out.

"It's not love. You're in love with an idea. She's not even real. Is she even the same person you first met?"

I was flabbergasted. Was she the same? Of course! And if not, she was better and kinder than ever before!

"Stephan. You love the idea of her more than her. You're falling out of love, and you know it too. It's not your fault. But please, just get back to reality."

I looked down. My former smile that I had when I first met her had long disappeared. And it hadn't come back in a long time. 

I wasn't sure if I could live without her. 

***

If I had the courage to leave her I truly would. To leave behind this anxiety, this fear that kept me up all night, I'd give anything for the courage to break up with her. 

My fingernails were all in ruins, and I had begun the habit of biting my fingers now. 

I hate myself. I hate arguing over every little fight. I hate myself for cleaning up her messes each time. I hate her for never compromising with me. And I hate us being together. 

I didn't hear anything from the ghosts this one time, and oh how I wish I did. 

***

It was a late night call. She called me names, she said she hated me. 

Her last words were probably the most jarring, it cut deeper than knife would ever go.

"It's better this way anyway."

And just like that, my first love was over. 

And so began my life without her.

***

This is my last letter to you. 

I'm going to try to keep this rational, I know if I don't it'll end up bad for both of us. I'm glad to hear you've graduated, and I hope you find you dream job and achieve everything you want. 

I know our last call didn't end on the best of terms, but I still remember it. And I agree with you, it's better this way right?

When I first met you, I was an anxious mess. Self doubting and guessing myself at each opportunity. And I think that's why I was so drawn to you. 

You were everything I wanted and more. You were beautiful, self-confident, and charismatic like no other. 

But I think it's my fault for treating you like you were perfect. I put you on a pedestal that no human could reach, and you tried to fulfill those expectations of being perfect. I was never able to think for more than myself. 

I thought you were infinitely strong and clever, with jokes that would always make me laugh. 

But you know how it went. The rose tinted glasses faded with each passing day, and our love grew colder and colder. And after enough of our cold love, I gave you the call. 

I know that you knew it wasn't going to work out. 

My nights are a little more lonely now that I'm sleeping alone again. I still wake up in the morning to make breakfast for two. Whenever I find anything good my first instinct is to tell you. And then I realize that we're apart and everything we once were is gone. And that makes the nights all the more lonelier. 

I'll have those moments, when it's late at night and I can't fall asleep, that's when you seep into my mind. Moments when I'm talking to other girls and we'll share a moment like how we used to be, you'll wander into my mind. And that makes all of life just a bit more painful. 

We could have been so much. We had so much together, but what was it all for?

I still appreciate you for being there for me. I've always struggled with my own delusions and voices in my head, and you were always there when I was at my lowest. Before and during the relationship. Maybe it was gratefulness turned into love. 

But I knew that I felt it at some point. I know that I loved you. 

But as each argument passed, our love grew colder and colder. 

And that feeling was disgusting like no other. I desperately wanted things to work out with you, and I believed that I could make everything work out. You were the sun of my solar system, blazing, beautiful, and perfect. You were uniquely beautiful like no other girl in the world. We shared so many moments and memories that I'll always look fondly to. 

I don't know when our love started to turn cold. And I don't know when I stopped loving you and started wanting to love you. 

And I think I still do.

In the darkest of nights, where my voices become too much, that's when I think of you and regret it all again. 

But it's for the better, right? 

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