Chapter 23: The Cost of Doing Business

A giant gust of wind sprang up. It blew piles of rubble across the basement and whipped dust in my eyes. Debris and bits of ceiling stuck to the rapidly liquefying corpse.

“Now what!” said Rufus, annoyed.

Two women holding clipboards appeared. They wore bright, dressy looking robes; one in purple, the other in blue.

“Rufus Wiley?” said the one in purple. “And Jamison Bridger?”

“I’m Rufus. Who are you?” Rufus frowned, eyeing the clipboards.

“My name is Lin Esca,” the one in blue told him, “and this is Fia Lark. We’re representatives of Kitlo Calare, from the Division of Professional Licensing.”

Rufus’s tone changed immediately. “Of course. What can I do for you?”

“The Calare doesn’t see you at Kitlo gatherings much,” said Fia.

“I don’t really like groups,” he said.

Jamison quietly headed for the basement stairs.

“Excuse me, Mr. Bridger,” said Fia.

Jamison stopped dead in his tracks. “Yes?”

“We have some things to discuss with you,” she said. “We’re also here to conduct an inspection of your laboratory, Mr. Wiley, and make sure everything here is as it should be.”

“Inspection?” Rufus said, as if it was the last thing he expected her to say.

“I’m already seeing a number of things you’re in violation of. First and foremost, the cadaver on the floor,” said Lin, wrinkling her nose.

“That’s a client,” Rufus said quickly. “I’m a necromancer. And I do embalming and cremations.”

“On site?” Lin said, her gaze flicking between Rufus and the body.

“Yes,” said Rufus. “I have licenses. My workspace is up to code.”

My stomach turned. Yvette was wrong. Then again, I hadn’t seen the entire house.

“We’d love to check your records,” said Lin, searching through the papers in the clipboard. “Who is, or was, this gentleman?”

“A man with no home, family, or identification who drowned in one of the park fountains while drunk,” said Rufus. “The coroner’s office asked me to find out who he was and to cremate his remains. He started decomposing before I could get much information.”

Lin and Fia looked at each other. I wished I knew what they were thinking.

“The necromancy process takes a lot out of the body,” Rufus said. “It tends to accelerate decomposition.”

“It looks like your licenses are all current,” Lin said briskly. “The remains need to be removed before twelve AM today. Or face a one thousand diret fine.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “It will be taken care of as soon as possible.”

“Very good,” said Lin, turning her attention to the clipboard.

Rufus grabbed one of the sheets near the stone slab and draped it over the corpse as Lin went through the paperwork.

“The rest of my findings are as follows: broken furniture and other items blocking doorways are a fire hazard, damaged lighting, and this slab is cracked in half and dangerous to use,” she said. “Plus you’ve got the trapdoor dungeon, which I don’t see a variance posted anywhere for. Broken glass vials and whatever was in them.”

“But—” said Rufus.

“This place is a mess. You have a much bigger problem on your hands, though,” Lin said, her steely eyes boring right through me.

Rufus glared at me. “Her? She’s only here because she couldn’t stay out of the way.”

I stood, arms crossed. “I’m here because you couldn’t wait to get your hands on a pendant that didn’t even belong to you.”

“Endangering a civilian is a hefty fine,” Lin said. “Five thousand direts.”

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Rufus groaned.

“Civilian?” I said.

“Perhaps you prefer ordinary or mundane,” said Rufus. “Or unmagical imbecile.”

“Good, I hope you get fined. I just want to go home,” I said. They ignored me.

“As for you, Mr. Bridger,” said Fia, whipping out a file, “It appears you haven’t applied for a permit renewal for your baton. It’s five months overdue.”

“I’m pretty sure I sent that in,” said Jamison. “Tobin, didn’t you say you’d mail that for me?”

Tobin rolled his eyes. “I can’t be responsible for you all the time, James. And I’m busy at the moment.” He whispered something in Yvette’s ear and the two of them scampered up the basement stairs giggling.

“Our records show you are in violation. I am authorized to confiscate the baton, or you can make a payment of three hundred direts to the licensing board right now and avoid extra fees,” said Fia.

“Three hundred direts!” Jamison said. “Your rates gone up. How is anybody supposed to make a living?”

“That’s the cost of doing business if you want to keep things safe and regulated,” Fia said. “Your pest control certification is also coming due at the end of this month. One hundred and twenty-five direts to renew. Would you like to take care of that now?”

“I need to get to the bank first,” Jamison said. “Especially since this check now says VOID on it.”

“What do you expect me to do?” Rufus said to Lin. “I’ve just had it out with the League of Demon Lords. Of course this place is a mess.”

“In an unsecured laboratory with a civilian,” Lin said in my direction. “We are aware.”

“If you knew, why didn’t you come sooner?” said Rufus.

Lin had the same long-suffering expression Addison often gave me. “It is not my job to explain my daily schedule to you. However, it is your job to make sure your laboratory is safe, not engaging in reckless magic around civilians.”

“What about my ex-wife and my cousin breaking into my house?” said Rufus. “They’re entirely the reason I’m in this predicament.”

“Which brings me to another point,” said Lin. “You will receive a copy of a Change Locks Advisory, which requires your signature.”

Rufus grabbed a pen out of thin air. “Fine. I don’t suppose I can register a complaint with the Calare for the wine and the fireplace tongs?”

Lin and Fia looked at each other.

Fia spoke. “They have been sentenced by the League of Demon Lords already, so you’d be wasting your time. The rest is for your insurer to handle. You do have a policy, don’t you?”

“Yes,” he sighed.

“Mr. Wiley, you have one month to bring this laboratory to a passable condition. Beyond that, the Division will have no choice but to fine you one thousand direts, and then seventy-five direts per week after that if it doesn’t improve upon further weekly inspection,” said Lin.

Rufus gasped.

“You will be provided with a copy of an itemized list of our findings down here, which we will go over in detail. In the meantime, you,” she pointed to me, “need to go upstairs and go to bed.”

I almost fainted. Just Go To Bed really was adults’ answer to everything. “Can’t one of you send me home? I don’t live here.”

Fia and Lin looked at each other again. I wondered what it must be like working with them. They probably had a lot of inside jokes.

“That’s not our reason for this visit,” Fia said. “And it’s a different agency.”

“Coralie. Please go upstairs, get cleaned up, and go to bed. We will chat in the morning,” Rufus said in the most fed-up voice I’d heard all night. He managed to sound threatening without yelling. I wanted dearly to say so but didn’t dare.

“Okay,” I sulked. Not only was I not getting back to Addison tonight, but I was doomed to stay in the creepy bedroom, I had a pounding headache, my mouth still tasted disgusting, and I had no toothbrush.

As I made my way upstairs, I heard Jamison saying he lost his wallet somewhere in the basement during all the confusion, and that he swore his certification expired a year from now, not right now, and that he must have missed their reminder letters, and please PLEASE don’t confiscate my baton, we’ve been together since Cailreth Army.

 

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