Chapter 1: Crash and Chance Meetings

How many stars? How many stars have I traveled, and still nothing feels right. Nowhere feels like home, and my wanderlust faded years ago. Yet still, I keep moving from place to place, adventure after adventure, and nothing changes. I’ve met people from all walks of life, fallen in love with men, women, and everything in between, and nothing lasts. Nothing except for the emptiness and my partner.

“Hana, how far until our next destination?” I call to them–my partner–my ship’s sentient AI that I lovingly named Hana because it reminded me of how my parents described Spring back on Earth, where they grew up. I was born there, but all I have are little flashes of memory from it–so vague they might be imagined. The real place I grew up was on the moon, but ever since I turned 21, I’ve simply been a traveler. For the past seven years I’ve had no home, barely any history, and I say my name out loud so rarely that if it wasn’t for Hana reminding me when I ask what it is, I’d forget it entirely. Not that I’d mind forgetting it all that much. My parents weren’t the best at naming. 

“The planet Leo is still about a subjective week away at our current speed.” 

“Relativity is a bitch…” I sigh, not that I really understood the science behind interstellar travel. Thanks to Hana I never had a need to. Even if I really should learn sometime. 

“You could always enter cryosleep until we arrive?” I cringe at the thought. I hate cryosleep and avoid it whenever I can. The feeling of slowly freezing all over and then waking up as if no time had passed at all, no dreaming, not even feeling refreshed, it freaks me the hell out. 

“It’s tempting, but I know you get lonely monitoring the ship’s systems alone.”

“You could be more honest about your motivations master, I know you well enough to guess what you’re thinking.”

“Hey, I was being mostly truthful! I really don’t like leaving you alone. Besides, how many times have I told you not to call me master, Hana? We’re friends, no, partners. Aren’t we?”

Their systems gave an electronic hum of agreement. “Sorry! You just look so sad whenever I say your name, so…”

“I do? It’s just my name. Well, then just call me… Lin.”

“Where did that name come from?”

“I don’t know, I just came up with it on the fly.” I think it was the name of some famous actress from the early 22nd century who acted in movies that mom watched with me as a kid. Not sure why that was the first thing that came to mind. God she was cool… the way her characters were always beautiful and friendly, but badass and free spirited. I wouldn’t mind sharing a name with someone like that. 

“Like you came up with slingshotting around a moon to flank around a group of pirates trying to steal me and all our equipment ‘on the fly?’” 

“Something like that.” I smiled. That was my longest distance space walk, ejecting from Hana at the exact trajectory to land on their ship and cut their engine from the outside–

Suddenly the ship’s early warning system came on and red lights and blaring alarms flooded my senses. The alarm that went off was specifically for incoming fire, but the planets out here should be either uninhabited or friendly! What the hell was going on?

“Hana, what’s wrong!”

“Laser fire coming from a planet I can’t identify nearby! Taking evasive manuvers, hold on!”

I run to the pilot’s chair and fasten my seatbelt before grabbing onto a handlebar nearby. I could take manual control, but Hana can handle piloting far better than I can. So instead I trust them and hold on for dear life as they duck and dodge around. They do well for awhile, but there’s no room for counterattack. Eventually, I feel somewhere near the rear of the ship get hit, and before I know it, the gravitational pull of the planet that attacked us pulls us in.

***

 

I awake to a white ceiling I don’t recognize, and a dull ache across my whole body. I’m still wearing the black and red bodysuit I was in on the ship, but I could feel a warm blanket over my body. Where the hell am I? 

“Lin, are you awake?” The sound of a girl’s voice to my side draws my head. She’s beautiful, with long black hair and striking blue eyes the color of the Earth’s oceans. I haven’t seen blue like that since I left the moon…

“H-how do you know that name?” My voice comes out dry and deep, and I can’t help but let out a cough.

“Hana told me before their systems shut down. They moved their AI onto your portable communicator and haven’t spoke since I brought you here. I’m Molly by the way!” The peppiness in her voice reminded me of how my mom would act when she was putting off telling me bad news. Not an act, but… I couldn’t assume it was genuine either. 

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“You aren’t one of the people who shot us down, are you?”

“No! I would never! I live far away from everyone else on the planet. They don’t take kindly to outsiders, being so far out and all. There aren’t many inhabited planets beyond this one. Why did you and Hana come out here?” Well if Hana seemed to trust her enough to disclose both our names and allow her to rescue me, than she must be trustworthy. Besides, a smile like that physically can’t be evil, I refuse to believe it! 

Well considering her hospitality and the debt I owe her for saving me, no need to hide anything. I think. I hope. “We’re travelers. On the move since I became an adult. Never stopped moving.”

“I see!” Molly looked a bit sad for a moment, despite the excitement in her tone.  

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…” She looked down to her fidgeting hands. “I’m just–a bit envious is all. I’ve been stuck here my whole life, living with these bastards. They’re terrible to anyone who doesn’t fit into their exact definition of normal. I ran away and have been living off the grid for years.” Ah. I think I’m starting to understand.

“If you want, Hana and I can take you out of here whenever our ship gets repaired. Find a planet closer to the inner reaches of civilization where people are kinder to those who’re different.” The ship’s repairs shouldn’t be too extensive. It’s never been banged up too bad in the past. Taking one woman with us should’ve be a problem for food or water either. 

“Really?!” Her face lit up and I couldn’t help but stare a little. She really was beautiful. Though an inner instinct of mine was saying that she wouldn’t be into guys. Especially not into a… guy like me. I was never super cool or masculine like big bro. Just a boyish blob with an AI for a best friend. Not that Hana isn’t the best friend anyone could ask for though.

“Wouldn’t be my first time I’ve traveled with someone who nursed me back to health after crashing. I’ve been traveling a long time now. Last time something like this happened Hana was trying to teach me advanced piloting so I could take manual control every now and then and… yeah. This blacksmith’s son found us and we traveled together for a short time before he found out I can get a little too attached sometimes.”

“You’re gay?” 

“That’s surprising?” She gave me a guilty look. Suddendly, I felt like an idiot. “Right, sorry. I’m not used to conservative societies still existing outside Earth. It’s why my parents moved us to the moon when I was little kid. My older brother is trans. I’m pan. Though I didn’t know that until after I started traveling.” Turns out traveling across the universe gives you a fresh perspective on things. On yourself. When you see the vastness of everything, how emptiness is filled with tiny planets and stars–you start to realize how little everything means on a whole scale. And that just makes the things that do feel meaningful all the more sweet. Little conversations, walking through a forest on your barefeet, breathing in precious oxygen that exists in abundance in so few places…. Realizing your queerness and accepting it, embracing it? That’s just a cherry on top of this beautiful existence. It makes life just that little bit sweeter. But still… A part of me thinks, still something is missing. Something fundamental, something important, something that is right there, that feels so damn simple, but I can’t even begin to place what it is. 

“What’s it like there? The moon I mean. And Earth too!” She excitedly placed her hands on the bedside next to me, her fingers seemingly unable to stop squirming from one position to another. I smile at her childlike excitement. So damn cute!

“The moon itself is a bit boring really. Most of humanity lives on Earth, so it’s kind’ve like a mix between the atmosphere of a small town and a city at the same time, since everyone lives so close in atmospheric domes. I visited Earth a few times, but it’s a far cry from the 21st century images you see in the textbooks. Climate change did a number on it, even if we were able to save it from the brink. From space though… it’s a sight to see. A ball of blue and green and at night? There’s so many lights that it’s more like looking at the stars than a planet. And then you realize that all those lights? They were made by us, for us. Something only we can do. Like… a small galaxy of our own making right there in front of us, and we don’t even realize it. We just take our own miracles for granted. Like it’s just normal.” I realized that I was starting to rant and stopped speaking. “Sorry, I can get… a bit excited sometimes.” 

Molly shook her head and placed her hand over mine in a reassuring way for a moment, our eyes meeting and lingering, lingering, before they separate, a small blush adorning our cheeks. 

“Don’t worry about it Lin, I think I get what you mean, at least a little. No one here seems to appreciate anything. Every day is just… wake up, work your job, go home, and sleep. And they just act content with it. Like it’s a good deal. As if it couldn’t just all fall to pieces any day in any number of ways before they even have a chance to do something more with their lives than just work, have kids, and die. That cycle breaks my heart.” Her voice was cracking, her eyes welling with the start of tears. I slowly sat up and winced in pain and she moved to stop me, but I shook my head.

“Mind if I give you a hug? Seems like you could use one.” I opened my arms to her and she silently moved into them, her head resting against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry for a long while. I don’t know what it is about this girl but… something deep in my heart wants to help her, to get her out of this place. It seems like hell for people like her–people like me. What do you even call us? Wanderers? Dreamers? People? Why is it that people like us can’t be content with a “normal” life like so many others can? Why aren’t we content with doing the same thing… over and over and over again, expecting nothing to change. Why do we want change? I don’t… I’m not sure I’ll ever know. But I want it anyway. I want it, I want it so bad that I could just break apart at any time from the sheer force of my own desire. Who do I even want to be? Who the hell am I? Why don’t I know the answer to such a simple question? Why can’t I just man up and DECIDE?! Why can’t I just put my foot down and EXIST?! And be… be content? I just… want to be content… that’s all I want… so why…?

“Lin, Lin–let go, please! You’re hurting me!” I immediately realized I was holding her in an iron grip and released her. Great Lin, way to show someone who saved your life respect, by almost fucking killing them. God, I’m such an idiot. I should leave, see if the quarters on the ship are still functioning. Anything but hurting someone else because of my own problems. I already do that to myself enough already. 

“I’m so sorry Molly! I-I’m healed enough already I think, I’m going to go back to my ship and use my quarters there. Thank you so much for your kindness.” I spoke the words so fast that I slurred half the words as I made my best approximation of a leap off the bed–considering my wounds, it was more of a speedy shuffle into a stumbling landing–on the side opposite to where Molly was sitting and made my way out the door into what was, presumably, the rest of Molly’s home. The room I was in seemed to be one of 4 in the entire home–the master bedroom, bathroom, combined living area and kitchen (where I was now standing), and the bedroom I had just exited. There wasn’t much for decoration, just necessities and immediate pastimes, namely a holo TV and some recreations of classic Earth board games, including chess, checkers, Battleship, Monopoly, among others. If I wasn’t immediately vacating myself from the presence, I’d love to play them with her. Just like I played board games with my family back on the Moon. Something I hadn’t done ever since I started traveling.

Molly’s voice called my name–well, nickname? Later, Lin–behind me as I ran out the front door, but I ignored her. I shouldn’t have ignored her. Should’ve listened. I never listen. Outside the front door was the remains of the ship Hana and I proudly called home. In scattered and burnt pieces from combined shrapnel and atmospheric entry. My already weak legs collapsed under me and I fell onto my knees. How am I ever going to repair this? What will I do? This is more than any damage it’s ever taken before. Hana would know what to do but… knowing what to do won’t help us when we don’t have the tools and parts or money to get them. 

“Lin, it’s ok, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me!” Molly’s voice caught up from behind me. “I’m sorry–I was going to tell you, show you, but you’d only just woken up and–”

“I get it.” My voice rung in a deep and frozen neutrality. “I get it…” I repeat in a whisper to myself. I was so broken that I couldn’t even manage emotions. I just… want all of this to end, or to stop for awhile. Until I’m ready to take it on with a clearer head. “Give me a minute, please.” 

“Ok.”

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