Chapter 45: 45. Melancholy

"There, see?" Sarah asked as she flashed me a friendly smile. "I told you it just needed to recharge. The power cells might be a little weaker than before, but they can be replaced. Or we can always copy all the data out into a brand new tablet if you like."

I grimaced, "Thank you. Sorry I got so panicked about it."

She placed the small datapad in my hands then gave me a hug and kiss, "It's ok Amanda. I know it's important, and I know you were feeling a little fragile when you and Rebecca came back to the ship earlier."

"Yeah..." I sighed as I returned the hug. Then I gave her a kiss as well, before finally looking down at my recovered tablet.

When we got back to the ship earlier I was still feeling upset and emotional. The three of us had some drinks, not enough to get me drunk or anything but enough to take the edge off the hard emotions I'd been feeling.

After the second or third drink I fished my little datapad out of the recovery bag and tried to access it. It was dead though, it wouldn't turn on, nothing seemed to work. Then I got into a bit of a panic, since it was basically the only thing I had with connections to my family.

I worried that it had gotten fried when the mine went off, or that its internals were destroyed from bouncing around the cabin. Or that after thirty-five days frozen solid in the vacuum it had suffered some other sort of irreparable damage.

In the end though there was nothing wrong apart from a discharged power cell. All I needed to do was let it warm up then plug it in.

There were still some fears though. Even with the thing working again I was worried that maybe its memory had gotten wiped somehow, or corrupted maybe. I needed to know for sure that all the old pictures and messages were ok.

So I sat down on my bunk and started checking through the contents. Thankfully everything seemed to be in order. All the messages, the pictures, personal notes I'd made, it looked like all the digital mementos of the last five years of my life had survived.

I opened the most recent photo my parents had sent. It was from the latest Empire Day, which was one of the very few holidays celebrated across the whole Imperium. The last one happened after the Hammersmith left Imperium space, around the same time we arrived in the Gorath sector to start our so-called goodwill mission.

"That's your family?" Sarah asked as she sat down on the bunk next to me. As soon as she was seated she slipped an arm around my waist and pulled me into a gentle hug.

I nodded as I leaned into the hug, "Yeah. They sent it for the last Empire Day? That's dad, mom, my oldest brothers Zach and Aiden. They're twins obviously, and they both turned twenty-eight last year. Kayla's my older sister, she's twenty-six and last I heard she'd gotten engaged. That's Luke, he's a year younger than me. And finally Nyssa, she's the youngest. Actually she would have just turned twenty not long after this was taken."

Sarah gave me a kiss on the cheek and quietly teased, "At eighteen I think you're the youngest now. Smallest too, by the look of it. And definitely the cutest."

That made me blush, and I leaned my head against her shoulder as she held me. I whispered, "Thanks Sarah."

"Any time Amanda," she replied softly.

My eyes drifted back down to the picture and I admitted, "Out of the whole family, Nyssa's the one I felt closest to. I actually almost came out to her more than once. I felt like out of everyone, she'd be the one who'd understand and accept the real me. In fact I've wondered once or twice if maybe she didn't already know I was really a girl."

Sarah didn't seem to know what to say to that, and the two of us were quiet again for a bit. I slipped an arm around her as well as I continued staring at the datapad on my lap and the image of my family. Eventually I let out a long deep sigh.

Sarah gave me a gentle squeeze and asked, "Do you want to talk about it? You've been kind of subdued since you got back from the Hammersmith. What's on your mind, cutie?"

I didn't respond right away, it took me a few more seconds to get my thoughts in order. And when I did finally figure out what to say, it began with a question.

"How did you cope with it?" I asked quietly. "You were over there when it was all still fresh for you. You went through the Re/Gen pod and less than a day later you were over at the wreck with Piper, helping her with the salvage. You said you knew half the crew, you must have seen some of them. How did you deal with that?"

She continued to hold me as she replied softly, "I said goodbye to my friends. I had a few stiff drinks when we came back to the ship. And I talked with you. You helped me focus on other things, and the alcohol helped dull the pain."

After giving me a kiss on the cheek she asked again, "So why don't we talk? What happened that's got you so down? Did you come across someone you were friends with while you were over there?"

I shook my head slightly, "It was my roommate. We weren't friends, he was just the guy the Navy assigned me to share a cabin with. I didn't really know him, except I guess I did. We lived together long enough I knew about his career plans and his dreams. And I knew enough about his family to know they'll already be missing him."

I took a deep breath then admitted, "And thinking about how his family would already know something's wrong, about how they'll feel when they finally get the official word from the Navy... I guess that made me think of my own family, and suddenly I'm worried for them. Even though I never really expected to see them again, I'm sad knowing it'll probably crush them when they get the message that I'm gone."

Sarah sighed and gave me a gentle squeeze, "I get it Amanda. Even though I haven't seen my daughter in years, we stayed in touch. And I know she'll be sad when she gets the news, but..."

Her voice trailed off for a few moments, then she apologized "Sorry. I was about to say something else, when I realized it really didn't apply to your situation."

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"What was it?" I asked. "It's ok if it doesn't apply, I'd still like to hear it?"

She gave me another kiss then replied, "I was fifty-eight, I'd had a pretty full life. Katia knows there's dangers in the kind of work I do. She's probably heard the story a thousand times about how I just barely survived the destruction of the Willesden. When she gets the news she'll be sad. She'll probably tell Sabia, though I have no idea how my granddaughter will take the news. We've never met, just exchanged the occasional message over FTL. So there'll be some sadness, maybe they'll mourn for a little while? But it won't be any great disruption to their lives. They'll both be fine."

With a sigh she continued, "Your situation is different, and I'm sorry I forgot about that. You're young, your life is just getting started. Even if you had no plans to see them again, I'm sure your family had hopes and dreams for you. And it's always hard for parents to lose a child, regardless of the age."

"But," she added, punctuating it with another kiss. "They will be ok. Yes they'll be sad, they'll mourn and grieve, but your family will be ok and they'll carry on."

I was still cuddled against her side, listening as she spoke. When she finished I was quiet for a few more seconds, just quietly enjoying the hug we were sharing.

"Thanks Sarah," I finally whispered. "I know you're right, but I'm still worried, still thinking about them. I'm actually tempted to try and send them a message? Maybe next time we're at Rolandan-2, I remember Rebecca said there was someplace there we could send an FTL back to Imperium space."

"What would you tell them?" she asked quietly.

I shook my head, "No idea. I'm torn between wanting to help them feel better, like maybe I could tell them I didn't suffer or something? Like something generic but uplifting? Or, I guess part of me wants to tell them the truth. That I was saved, that I'm now Amanda, and I'm happy and enjoying my new life."

Sarah continued holding me quietly for a bit, then finally said "Whatever you decide to do, I'll be there to support you. And I'll help out however I can Amanda. I think telling them who you are is risky, and you said yourself they might not accept you? But if that's what you want to do, I'll back you up all the way."

"What about you?" I asked. "I know you just said your daughter and granddaughter would get over it, but would you ever consider reaching out to them?"

She frowned slightly as she thought it over for a few moments, then shook her head. "Probably not. Ignoring any potential Navy hassles, I'd either have to send text-only messages and pretend to be the old man I was before, or I'd have to try and convince them who I am now?"

"Anyways," she added, "I think it would just confuse them? Assuming there was some way to convince them that the dad or granddad they once knew is now a girl who looks young enough to be Sabia's sister. I honestly have trouble picturing how either of them would handle that news. So it's probably better to let them think I'm gone. Like I said, they'll be sad, they'll grieve, and they'll get over it and move on."

I sighed as I thought about what she was saying. A lot of it made sense for me as well, and it left me wondering why I wanted to contact my family in the first place. Was it to make things easier on them, or on myself? And would contacting them make things better or worse, for everyone involved?

"Thanks Sarah," I finally replied. "I'm still not sure what I want to do, but I'm going to be thinking about it for a while. I suppose I don't need to figure this out till we get to Rolandan-2, so there's no hurry."

She leaned in and gave me another kiss, then said "It's fine Amanda. I'm here for you, any time you want to talk. And I'm sure Rebecca and Jenny are here for you too."

"Yeah," I nodded slightly.

After another few quiet seconds I asked, "Actually, have you had your conversation with Rebecca yet? You were going to do that while you two were out together in the shuttle."

She shook her head slightly, "Not yet. Both yesterday and this morning were fairly short outings. I guess this morning was longer, but we were mostly focused on getting the hoist mechanism out in one piece. Either way, it didn't feel like the right time. Maybe I'll bring it up with her tomorrow, or the day after? I think with all the smaller personal salvage out of the way, we'll start on the bigger money-jobs tomorrow."

"Yeah, good point."

We were both quiet again for a little while, till she suggested "How about we get ready for bed?"

"Ok," I agreed, but I didn't get moving right away.

Instead I looked down at my datapad again, then switched to its little camera. I held it up so Sarah and I were both in view on the screen, then saved the image. My first digital memento of my new life, with my new girlfriend. Then I turned off the tablet and put it away for now.

Just like my bunk on the Hammersmith, there was a little slot along the side wall above the pillows. I turned off my datapad and tucked it in there, then got up and started to undress.

A few minutes later I was in a nightshirt and Sarah was wearing one of her tight little t-shirts. Then the two of us got back into the lower bunk together. I curled up on my side and she was behind me, her body pressed against my back. Her arms wrapped around to hug me, while I pulled my tail around and up between my legs and hugged it against my chest.

It was nice, I felt warm and protected as the middle spoon, cuddled up tight in between Sarah and my big floofy tail. Before long I drifted off to sleep, but thoughts of my family stayed with me even in my dreams.