Chapter 1: Chapter 1- Introduction

I can’t sleep tonight, and I looked up how many people there are in the world right now, at this EXACT moment.

 

7,970,532,465 people. The numbers won’t stop rising one person at a time. There’s over 7 billion people and yet they say “you’ll meet the one” or “I hope I find my soulmate” you know? I don’t think that’s really a thing. We’re talking about the whole world here, and knowing how so many people think they’ve found it, only to break up horribly and find someone new later whom they, again, label as “the one” while never leaving their hometown… I just don’t buy it. Though I will say one thing, they’re lucky bastards. Also there’s 34,317 deaths that happened today if you’re curious but that’s not really important for my point.

 

I think I’ve lived my life just being “a brick in a random wall” as my mom used to say. I’ve never had a real conversation, and I’ve survived by mastering the great, amazing art of small talk… yeah, I’ve always hated it too.

 

Tomorrow I start College, and my one and only skill is art. Just good ol’ art. I’ve always wanted to create my own comic, my own manga, or whatever you wanna call it… though I’ve rarely started ANY project, the ones I have I’ve never finished, and I’ve been scared to death about showing ANYONE my work.

 

So. Tomorrow. I decided I’m gonna talk to someone, at least one person. I don’t want to be like this forever, I could die tomorrow and never have actually made any progress with meeting a SINGLE person…

I hyped myself up all week, even called up my cousin to tell him about it, in which he responded with the usual 

“Oh wow haha… that’s nice…” followed by long awkward silence in an attempt to see if I’d hang up first. I’m not ready.

 

Either way… I have to sleep… I have to make a connection. I put my phone next to my stuffed animal cat, Chupi, and I try to sleep… I have to make a connection… I’m going to make a connection. I’m going to….. I’m… I’m going to….

Tomorrow comes, and I don’t exactly remember a lot of my dream, but I remember it being something about being stuck in my fictional idea of what my college class will be like, reading Dante while seeing a cute girl with blonde hair in the distance who keeps eyeing me with a flirtatious smile. I should note I’ve never read Dante, also random thing but I heard somewhere that you can’t actually read in dreams. Like, at most it’s just gonna be gibberish or some random, non-existent language but it won’t actually be human writing. I don’t know, thought that was interesting.

I get out of bed (seriously need to actually start making it, keep telling myself I will) brush my teeth, hop in the shower, yada yada, get a belt from my room… I look at my bed… my messy, ragged bed. I don’t know if I’ve got time to catch the bus….. I quickly throw the sheets to each corner, it looks like shit but I made my bed. I grab my old jean bag and start running to the bus stop. The entire time I think about what I might say to greet the driver.

 

Just barely make it.

 

The driver does a little nod, and I can’t even look him in the eye as I hand him a few bucks and wallow to the back of the bus.

 

The morning sun shines on this normally boring town and makes it gorgeous. I do this stupid thing that nobody does where I imagine a little guy jumping on all the little houses, over the uneven fences, on that one road that hasn’t been reworked in like fifty years so it’s still mostly just bricks.

 

 It’s interrupted at one stop when an old lady decides to sit next to me… the air is thick, it feels like my lungs are filled with syrup, I begin begging that we get to my last stop as soon as possible. I don’t know why I feel like this, it’s just an old lady.

 

I finally make it to my stop.

 

I walk a bit. God, the morning air smells so fresh. I really need to make a mental note to actually wake up early in the mornings for days I don’t have school. I walk down a street I’ve seen maybe twice in the 18 years I’ve been alive and am slowly revealed… to a castle of a college.

 

It’s the one thing that doesn’t look run down or reused in the town, despite the building being ancient. It’s like a gem in the mud, and my one ticket of getting out of here… of creating a connection, a true connection.

I open the doors… and the inside just looks like a remix of my High-school. It’s bigger, but it definitely felt like they just added another floor. I look up where I’m supposed to go, and after a little while of wandering aimlessly to find this random room that’s numbered and SHOULDN’T BE BE SO DAMN HARD TO FIND (they took that from my High-school as well I see) I finally find it, my first class, ART.

 

There’s a bunch of other students, SO MANY STUDENTS, all sitting on the ground, waiting for the teacher. All with different bags, a few with giant art tablets looking eager, and one who just… looks intimidating as hell. Jet black short hair, sharp eyes, tall and muscular, and loose ripped clothing. The holes in her grey jeans show off her tattoos of a demon under some fishnets. She looks like she used to be in a heavy metal band… and I feel terrified. 

There’s way too many people, way too many. They could all look at me at ANY point and think “oh look how ugly this guy looks”- alright I need to stop that now, I’m annoying myself.

 

I could… well, I could look at this as an opportunity! Yeah, yeah I’ll just go up and simply sit next to her! Why not start off with the most difficult thing at the start! I’d HAVE to get better in the end! Okay, alright… I walk up to her… every single step takes an eternity, and the ground feels like mud. Every alarm bell is going off in my brain, I regret every decision I’ve been making… I keep going, I’m almost to her… I notice she has freckles- oh god she’s actually really cute, I can’t do this. I have to fall back. man… I wonder if she’s got them on her tit- NO NO NOPE!!! No!! Shut up you fucking weirdo! I need to just.. shut up and… I should just give up, she’ll think I’m a creep anyway- stop! No, stop that, how do people grow? They push on. They simply push on.

 

I push on.

 

I’m almost there… almost. Why is time so fucking slow?? Why can’t I just be some jacked dude who always knows what to say and what to do?? Fuck, I could be like that, I have to try, I HAVE to try! I’m nearly there, I’m so relieved, see? It wasn’t that hard! Almost there! Few more steps!

 

She looks at me for a split second and I instantly divert my path to head a different direction without looking at her, I have miserably and utterly failed. Luckily there's a bathroom so I just go in and silently scream in my head. This was a mistake.

 

I go to the mirror and tell myself how it shouldn’t be this hard, how I should just know how the hell to do this. I start to wonder if I’ll just be like this forever. Maybe I will be…

 

 Someone comes in and jolts me back into reality, I pretend I was just washing my hands and turn on the faucet. I don’t even wanna look at who came in.

 

I notice how the mirror has all these scratch marks on it, little names and words I can barely read. There’s one that says “God of Goals never finds Gold” with a little heart in the middle. Have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. Is that like a random pseudo quote they heard from a video or something?

 

I dry my hands and hype myself to open the door again to the outside. I tell myself, it’ll only be a bit. Just a little push today so it’s easier tomorrow, maybe I’ll trip but I’ll be a new guy by tomorrow.

 

I open the door, and the professor comes running down the hallway.

 

“Hey! Uhh, you’re all here for art right?” All the students kinda look at each other awkwardly and nod.

 

“Alright, we’ll cool! Lemme just open this for us- here we gooo- alright! Welcome!” he opens the door and we all hobble in. We all choose seats, I choose one in the back, as far away from sight as possible. I think it’s mostly out of habit at this point. 

 

“Well, sorry I’m late, had uhh… little bit of some car troubles, uhh, so! First day, let’s talk about what to expect.” He just goes through the basics of what we’ll learn, some history, some techniques, how grading works etc.

 

I realize I’m not sitting too far from the terrifying girl, just sitting and waiting patiently. I pull out my notebook from my bag and burry my face into it. I keep glancing over to her. I don’t know what it is, like I can’t exactly place her emotion whether she’s angry, annoyed or just paying close attention like a predator stalking her prey.

 

“So! How about we do a quick little exercise and uhh, you can talk to your neighbors for like, let’s say ten minutes. Ask them their names, their major, and just kinda whatever you all feel like talking about! Don’t get awkward, I better hear lots of talking!” The teacher does a single little clap. I’m scared to death.

 

“And go! Oh- also remember, learning about how people work, and how the world works, THAT'S what makes you a better artist. First lesson. Mini lesson one. Okay okay, aaaand go!” He does another clap, and I notice that everyone awkwardly looks at each other and sorta tries talking, some instantly get some connection going, some do the basic premise of just… asking their name and their major without going further.

 

I look over and realize not many people are near me and the terrifying girl, where I notice that she’s looking right at me. I melt into my seat. I’m not ready, I’m not even close to ready, why the hell is this happening so fast- NO! No, this is what I need, a shove from the bird’s nest, not a love tap! This is fine! I’m fine! She’s fine- dear God please shut up brain! She leans in.

 

“Hey so, what’s your-“

 

“H-heY… hi…” … oh my God. I want to bury my face in the dirt right now. 

 

“Oh, you alright, man?”

 

“N-no it’s all fine.” It takes a few seconds of silence, both of us seeing who will go first, and it’s agonizing.

 

“… So what’s your nam-“ I accidentally cut her off.

 

“Oh it’s Fine Arts. Wait, uhh, um… sorry, uhh what’s your major- I mean your name. What’s your name?” I seriously want to die. She gives me a weird look and nods as she replies.

 

“It’s uhh, it’s Momo.”

 

“Hi Momo, what’s your Major?”

 

“Um, hi…? just History.” I nod, trying to hide my nervousness through a smile. Hopefully she can’t see. She kinda gives a weird look and nods before looking at the front. She doesn’t say anything else… which means… Fuck. I messed it up, I need to try harder, what’s something people say in normal conversations? I don’t wanna do just crappy small talk, have I gotten worse since the last time I did it? Okay, let’s try this.

“… I-I-I like your clothes.”

 

“Oh, thanks.”

 

“… do you like art?” As soon as I ask that question my eyes bulge for a second, realizing my stupidity is too large to be measured by any instrument. She looks at me with an even weirder face, she’s getting annoyed.

 

“… yeah.”

 

“That’s good, that's good. Art’s cool…”

 

“… are you doing okay over there?”

 

“Yeah! Totally, I’m fine.”

 

“Okay. Because it seems like you’re a little out of it.”

 

“It does?” 

 

“Yeah dude.” She lowers her voice a bit.

 

“You get high before class or somethin’?” 

 

“O-oh, no no no, I’ve never been high before.” As I say that she shrugs and looks back to the front of the class.

 

“Mm, might help out a bit.”

 

“… would you want to do weed with me?” She doesn’t even look at me, just slightly winces. Did I overstep boundaries?! Maybe she doesn’t do weed! Oh man, maybe she was just being nice.

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“B-because if you don’t want to th-that’s fine by me, I’ve never- I’ve never done weed or smoked cocaine, so it’s no big deal.” She does a slow nod and doesn’t say a word.

 

“… I’m sorry… uhh- do you like music?” After I ask she gives me a little glance and breathes in.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I like people like Selda Bagcan or The Liminanas.” 

 

“Oh wow… that’s cool, yeah I think I might have heard of them.” She gives me a look of disbelief.

 

“You have?”

 

“… well… maybe I’m just thinking of something else- um. Do you like movies?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Like what?” She pauses after I ask… genuinely thinks about it for a second.

 

“Well umm… okay, definitely The Evil Dead 1 and 2 including Army of Darkness, Night of the Living Dead, House of the Devil, one that’s just called “House”, Ju-On, Ringu, The Wailing, Shaun of The Dead, a Tale of Two Sisters, Kairo, The Exorcist, The Haunting, Noroi: the Curse, Dark Water, Carrie, Suspuria- I’d recommend both the newer version and the 1977 one though I personally feel more connected to the 1977 version because I love how terrible the acting is, I love it, uhh- Hereditary, The Devil’s Backbone, Possession, Occult, Relic or Taking of Debra Logan, The Shining… and yeah, those are some of my favorites I can think of at the moment.”

 

… I can barely react… how can any human have that much memory… Did she make some of those up?

 

“What about you?” As soon as she asks this I sink into my seat slightly.

 

“Oh uhh… Pretty in Pink I guess, I don’t know a lot about movies..” she just gives this almost disappointed look before nodding again and looking at the front again.

 

“Nah, It’s all good dude.” we don’t say anything else as the teacher walks back up.

 

“Okay, welp! Ten minutes up, so let’s start with our first little introduction.”

 

Did I just ruin my shot again?… did I just fail… No, I can’t give up. Something, anything. I lean to her, not knowing what I’m gonna say.

 

“… s-…so uhh- what color are your eyes?” Wait what?! NO!! FUCK! What kinda question was that?! She doesn’t look at me, she’s disgusted by me. some of the classmates do turn back slightly and look right at me, I am such an idiot. I sink into my chair… I wish I was dead right about now…

 

The class goes on, finishes, she leaves quickly, I hobble to my next class and am too distraught to actually pay attention to what’s going on, my next one, then lunch, then the last one, and I am destroyed… how can I ever face her again? It’s the FIRST DAY, I’ll be seeing her again THIS WEEK.

 

Oh man… she might wanna change classes because of me. She might be telling her other hot friends about how weird I was, maybe she thought I was a girl at first and THAT’S why she approached me first! Oh god, I should’ve never applied for college. I’m a failure as a human being.

 

The last class ends. Does anything I do even matter anymore? I don’t know if I’ll ever get better if THIS is how bad it is… I hobble down the road to my bus stop, and realize it’s across the street. I sigh, start crossing the street and look left, only to see a truck-

CRACKKKK!!!

…

What the fuck?

What just happened?

Wait, I can’t feel below my head… wait, what the fuck just happened?!?

Oh God wait… wait I can see it… wait, I can fucking see behind a truck. There’s blood. That’s not mine is it?

…

Fuck. 

It’s not fucking mine. That’s not my fucking blood.

This isn’t happening, right? Don’t tell me this is happening. I’m dreaming, I’m fucking sleeping in my bed. This didn’t happen. This did NOT fucking happen.

People are… are they running towards me? Why are they all so slow? Why the fuck is everyone moving so inhumanly slow?!?

Is the driver coming out now?

There he is- FUCKING MOVE FASTER YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! FUCKING MOVE!!! Why is everyone moving in fucking slow motion?! What’s wrong with people?? Is it my fucking head?!? Did I hit my head that hard?!? Why is everyone so fucking slow?!?

Just… FUCK. This can’t happen… please… I just…. FUCK!!! I don’t want this. I don’t fucking want this. Please, I don’t fucking want this. I just fucking started. I JUST FUCKING STARTED TODAY!!!

Please, I haven’t had a proper girlfriend or had sex, I haven’t made any real art that my family can be proud of- I never got to tell my dad I loved him last time we called!!! FUCK!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT NO!!!!! No. No no no no no, this can’t be happening.

No… no this can’t be happening….

This can’t be happening…. I never got to have a connection with a single fucking human being…. Please…. No……

Fuck…. Everything’s starting to become blurry… the driver almost looks frozen in time… I can’t… I can’t let it end like this…. Not like this….. please…

Oh God… do I pray?! Do I pray now?! Fuck, okay, I need to fucking pray, fuck… please forgive me uhh-…. F-forgive me for all my sins-…. F-forgive me- FUCK!!! Who the hell do I pray to?!? This feels ingenuous, I don’t believe in any God or Goddess, fuck okay- just… just pray.

I can’t. Why can’t I fucking pray… why…? I’m trying so fucking hard here… why can’t I fucking pray? I-… I can’t fucking do anything… I can’t do a single thing right…. I can’t…..

Even when I’m dying I never did anything right…..

Am I just gonna forget everything? Forget existence? All my memories… my dreams, my fears, my favorite textures and music, my favorite moments?… will I just exist in an oblivion of nothingness for eternity?….

I’m so scared…

… Fuck… Oh well. Wish I had some cool last words at least… wait what even was the last thing I said? After the first class I didn’t say a peep… fuck… this just… I’m so scared….. I’m so scared……

… This just blows.

Everything’s becoming white…. Blindingly white. Brighter than anything I’ve seen in my life, it feels like it should be boiling my eyes right now… then it begins slowly turning into… waves of different colors… beautiful colors…. Vibrant. 

There’s colors that I slowly realize… I’ve never seen before… I can barely comprehend what they are, swirls of… different spectrums I could never even imagine or describe… right next to all the blues and yellows and the rose petal reds…. Is this what the universe was hiding from us the whole time? This is… holy fuck this is beautiful…

 

I see… I see my head, my mind, every neuron. I suddenly see every atom in the street I’m on, then every atom of the Earth, everyone who’s crying, running, fucking, screaming, laughing, hugging, driving, killing, laying and loving before seeing the entire cosmos. I see all the planets and stars that are outside of the known observable universe and beyond. I see thousands of different variables of how the cosmos could have been created- the true birth of it, smashing and exploding out infinitely. I see the death of our cosmos, every lonely atom and different particle fizzling out into nothingness or being absorbed into a black hole… until after what feels like an uncountable amount of time, they slowly disappear too… it all happens within a split second.

Then I start seeing… more colors… more lights… more sparks… and strange symbols that somehow feel deeply familiar, zooming into my eyes… before-

A LOUD crashing sound that could rupture an eardrum spears through me as I explode into a stormy blood red sky, and begin falling. I’m falling so fucking fast, the wind blowing against my body, and particles in the air hitting my face like hail.

The ground begins coming up. It’s coming up way too fast, WAY way too fast! I put my arms in front of my face a split second before impact until-

 

KABOOOOOMMM!!!

 

I smash into the ground in a streak of blinding light… I surprisingly felt no pain, only a great surge of something going through my body.

 

I cough for a second before realizing there’s a circular symbol, a Labyrinth burnt into the deep red and powdery stone ground where I lay. I look at my hands and see that the tips of my fingers are pitch black like coal, with swirls running down my arms. I feel something moving on my back and try to swipe it away only to realize there’s nothing.

 

I… take a moment… I look around, with only one thing to say…

 

“… Well holy fuck. There’s an afterlife!”

 

 

 

---END OF CHAPTER 1---

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