Chapter 80: 079 Diana’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

"Ah, Titanyana!" Diana was sitting in such a manner that she could see the entrance Titanyana and Len were coming from, and reacted first accordingly. "Get yourself some food and take a seat. I'd like your opinion on something that's been bothering me all day. Who is this?"

"Ah- My name is Len Kerr, it is a pleasure to meet you!" Len made a clumsy bow, completely unprepared for an introduction. He was in his night garb for goodness sake.

"The pleasure is mine Mister Kerr. Are you here for dinner as well?"

"Um, yes. I was feeling a bit hungry so..."

"Feel free to ask the kitchen staff for something. We hadn't anticipated anybody else coming, but there should be enough for another. I would love it if you could join us for dinner, I don't plan on discussing anything too heavy. What about you Don?"

"Nothing we haven't already covered. Although, I do wonder why you are here. Titanyana, I remember explicitly informing you that our training plans were to be kept a secret?"

Titanyana, the person Len had viewed as an unassailable fortress of stoicism and nonchalance reacted terribly to this provocation. Here ears, kept proud at attention for as long as he had kept an eye on her, were flat in shame. Her tail lost its tension and her shoulders drooped.

"...sorry sir."

Donovan kept a stern gaze on her, letting her stew in the discovery of her benign betrayal.

"Haaaa," Donovan sighed, releasing some of the tension in the room. "I'll let it pass this time. There are some things I want to talk with him about, and I doubt he would have been able to handle round one on a completely empty stomach anyways." Don forked a bite of the noodle-like food into his mouth, chewing and swallowing before continuing. "Go get yourself some grub and take a seat."

"Yes sir!"

"Tone down the formality for the moment kid, I just want to relax and eat some dinner."

"Yes, uh, sir."

Donovan rolled his eyes dismissively, while Diana giggled a bit. That embarrassed Len a bit, but he wasn't being scolded for it. He scampered off to get a sandwich or something before his cheeks reddened further. Titanyana followed, eager to avoid Donovan's ire.

"He looks just as young as you said he was Don. Is it really okay for him to be a soldier?"

"Probably not, but that isn't my decision to make at this point."

"Go easy on him then." Diana watched Donovan scoop another mouthful of food into his mouth. His table manners had improved considerably since their first meal together some months ago, but he still had some 'unrefined' tendencies. The most apparent was how he brought his head down to his utensil when dealing with looser foods, but it wasn't enough to cause issues. "I don't think I could be comfortable living with somebody who employs child soldiers."

"Look, Diana, I get that you have your reservations about our military practices, but he is here of his own volition. You have my word that I won't go over the top and that I'll give him the proper rest for someone his age, but you need to understand that he is one of my extremely limited assets at the moment. I need him to be a competent fighter." Donovan was growing irritated with the subject. Even before Titanyana had arrived with Len in tow, Diana had been intensely interested in Donovan's new 'toy soldier's'. 

"I know, I know. Hmmmmmm. Should we talk about my day now?"

"I'd welcome that change."

"My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."

"If you are so inclined to call it that. I can't imagine it would have been a wonderful, terrific, very good, no bad day given that you have consented to staying here with a bunch of stinky dudes, save Titanyana. You seemed very excited about staying in a dorm and experiencing dorm life to the fullest."

"I know right!? Who could have thought I would prefer living in Australia to that place?"

"The fuck's Australia got to do with this?"

"I don't know, but I've heard they've got it better there." Diana was wearing a terrible grin, as if she was in the middle of a devious prank.

"Diana, I don't think they've got anything there at the moment."

- - - - -

"So when we left the Noah with our luggage, the Scholar and Librarian escorted me to one of those fancy little ferries where Montaug was waiting." Diana had patiently waited for company to arrive before continuing. Donovan was a little too pragmatic for her to have fun with, and people who didn't know she was making a joke were likely to be more entertaining anyway. "That's where my day started to take a turn for the worse!"

"Did it now?" Donovan was uninterested. She was in the middle of telling him about this part when Titanyana arrived.

Titanyana and Len remained silent, but at attention. She was the lady of the house so to speak, and she was not to be interrupted in the middle of a monologue. Donovan would have to be the straight man in her little comedy.

"Why yes! The very first thing that happened when I boarded was request a cup of tea, or some other leaf infused beverage. I can't exactly remember, but once I went to take a sip, the ship lurched and it spilled all over my dress! I was so mad!" Titanyana flicked her ear, whether or not this was out of sympathy remained unknown. "It was then that I realized my day was going to be terrible! I could change of course, indeed the Librarian had everyone exit the room so that I may rummage through my luggage for something else to wear, but I found in my search that one of my favorite shirts had a tear in the seam!

Donovan, I was thinking that I might have put on weight because of it. What do you think?"

Blatant teasing. He would have to be an idiot to miss it, but the presence of bystanders meant he had to think about how to react. He wasn't very good at that.

"I can't see anything I don't adore."

Not the ideal response, nor was it the one she was fishing for, but she felt a blush coming along regardless.

"Not an answer but I'll let it slide. Anyways, I changed into a nice set of clothes and prettied myself up, again, just as the ferry arrived near the academy. From there it was fine for a bit, we walked around the campus, touring and sightseeing around the more extravagant landmarks, until we took a tour of the classrooms. One of the classes was in session, rows upon rows of people sitting around watching a professor talk for hours on end. Perhaps a bit boring, but the looks I got from those around me were far worse.

They seemed to hate me! My presence meant the lecturer was actually asking them to do something, and they didn't like it, not one bit. Oh how horrible it was to be hated for just existing in the same room as someone. What do you think about that Titanyana?"

"Um, that seems like a horrible experience?" Titanyana was befuddled, she wanted to eat in peace, not be provoked into outrage by someone else's troubles.

"Oh how right you are my sweet little Strapper! But it didn't stop there! The dorms! Oh they were awful! Not, not the furnishings and architecture of course those were splendid but the PEOPLE? Ugh, I don't even want to get started on their transgressions. Apparently there was a party going on in the middle of the day and narcotics were very clearly involved. On three separate occasions, three, I was nearly molested by tipsy or otherwise impaired nitwits."

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Donovan's neutral expression sank, anger building behind an otherwise calm demeanor.

"Thankfully, Treber was there to act as security for us. He seems quite strong you know? A quick flick of his scabbard and you could hear bones snap, though I have to admit it felt awful to be the catalyst for someone's pain. I wonder if its really true what they say, that beauty begets sin. I wonder if I'm really that beautiful though. Hey Len, what do you think of me? Donovan doesn't really make much of an effort to satisfy my vanity." 

All of the sudden, Len was thrust into a mighty uncomfortable situation. He already wasn't the best at talking to women, but this wasn't just any woman. As far as he cared, this was his boss' wife. Obviously insulting her was out of the question, but how far should he go with the flattery? Would Donovan even care? Was disappointing her a bad thing? How much could he get away with?

Len was very quickly subsumed in a flow of indecision, pathetically looking to Donovan for aid. Surely he would understand, right?

Donovan rolled his eyes. "Humor her would you? Its the first time in a while she's had the chance to met new people in an informal setting."

"Oh you're no fun Don!"

"And you are hopelessly stressed out."

"Phooey. Anyways, Len, what do you think?" She struck a pose mocking those models she used to see on the web all the time.

"You, um, you are the prettiest lady I've ever seen, I think? Maybe?" He didn't sound confident.

"Oh you flirt! See Donovan, that's the sort of language you should use to compliment me! Instead what do I get, 'You know I'm not the best judge of aesthetics but-' I don't want that." Her blatant mockery of Donovan's faux stoicism actually managed to get a sharp exhale out of Titanyana's nose, which only served goaded her on. "Make me feel special, like the prettiest girl on the planet, no, in the universe!"

"You do know I think you are beautiful don't you?"

"I know that, but I want you to tell me anyways! Get flowery with your descriptions, ask ARC for some vocabulary, make it a poem! I don't care. I'm going to have bad days and I'll need you to cheer me up. Come on, let's try it." Placing her elbows on the table, she propped up her head in her hands and pretended to stare longingly into the distance. "Seduce me!"

Donovan sighed. He had finished his meal and therefore lost his only excuse to not play along. He wasn't too terribly enthusiastic about this, he was tired and wished to maintain some composure in front of Len, but Diana's enthusiasm did not permit him to back away.

"Well then, my precious little gemstone, you are the single most dazzling star in the sky and rival the moon in terms of grace. Your hair, which flows like a great many stalks of wheat in the midsummer wind, surpasses gold in terms of its luster. Indeed, when I wake up in the morning to it delicately tickling my nose with your subdues yet infinitely charming fragrance, I am put under the illusion that I am embracing an angel, which I am always ecstatic to find is nothing less than the truth. And yet it is not your hair that forms the cornerstone of your image, but instead those shimmering jewels I know to be your eyes. Those eyes, once blue, so much larger than the sky and more enchanting than polished sapphires, are now silver. Inside of those mirrors I see a great many other beauteous facets that cannot be known by image alone.

Your curiosity, childlike in intensity, only reveals to me the depths of your innocence and purity. Your mischievous nature draws my heart closer and closer to you, always wanting to see what you will do next and what secrets you will reveal. Your desire, unusually strong, but forged with good intentions and always seeking to better the condition of those around you. 

However it is not anything about yourself that can be seen most clearly in those tiny circles, but what you see and care about. Your home, gone though it may be, surfaces whenever I catch you gazing off into the distance. Your grandfather, a man I myself revered as the epitome of what a good man should be, will show his face shortly thereafter. Mercedes, rambunctious though she may be, is so dear to your heart that your expression lights up whenever she is near. But most of all, more than anything else I could possibly see in your eyes, is myself.

Whenever we lock eyes, I gaze upon myself, my visage, but I know it is not truly me. What I bear witness to is what you believe I am, the man you think me to be. For all my faults, deficiencies, and mistakes you only ever see perfection, and it brings me great shame that I am not that man. But you leave me with no choice, when your cheeks turn pink and your lips become rosy, I am forced, nay, blackmailed, into becoming a better man.

The person you see before you is not yet ready to accept your love."

Cheesy, unbelievably cheesy. Donovan was only stopping himself from breaking out into a blush with sheer willpower, the desire to cringe so overwhelming that he seemed oblivious to what was happening before him.

Diana, the one who had begun this whole farce, had shifted her hands from supporting her face to covering it up. The tips of her ears, a deep shade of red, poked out from behind her golden hair. From the gaps in her fingers, he could see her cheeks were an ever deeper red. His ploy to embarrass her had worked, much to his surprise. Hopefully she would give up on completing her little play.

Finished securing his primary objective, he turned his attention to assess the damage. Titanyana's face was a little pink, and she was diverting her eyes away from his own. Clearly he wasn't the only one who thought that was an embarrassing display, but he was thankful she was letting him retain some pride.

Len on the other hand was as red as a tomato, his sandwich halted halfway to his mouth, and he was staring aghast at Donovan.

- - - - -

He's way too good at that.

Titanyana was only barely maintaining her composure.

He wasn't even talking to me and yet I feel like I was being seduced.

- - - - -

Is that how a married couple really talks to one another?

Len felt like he had heard something that would only be appropriate in the bedroom. He knew that Diana was asking for it, but it still didn't seem like the type of think you would say in the presence of others.

Is that what I'm going to have to do to get a wife? Lady Diana seems kinda...

- - - - -

Diana's head, and heart, was in chaos. Donovan had done exactly what she didn't want him to do. He was just supposed to repeat what Len said so she could mock him for plagiarism! Where did that uncharacteristically eloquent speech come from? Was that Shakespeare? Some of that sounded like Shakespeare. What had he been reading?

She couldn't continue her little joke like this! She had been banking on the fact that nothing good had happened to her today to make a mockery of it all! She even went so far as to appropriate the words of a children's book to do it!

Weakly, in a bid to regain whatever control she could, she made one last attempt to keep her joke going.

"...this really is the worst day ever..."

Nope, no good. It didn't do anything for her. In fact, saying that only made her more embarrassed as she felt it further revealed her inner thoughts on the matter. Yet there was still some humor she could draw from it.

Maybe I really should go to Australia...