Chapter 1: Demons and Cherries

“Fuck off.” I said.

This would probably seem rude to most of you, but I was quite annoyed at that moment, so cut me some slack.

“Whaaaat. I just wanted a sandwich! Can’t a gal catch a break?” the thing standing in the middle of my home responded.

“No. Fuck off.” I said again. At the time it seemed the right thing to say. What are you supposed to say to a random home invader? Especially one that looked like her.

Standing in my foyer, there was a grayish-blue skinned woman, with short horns adorning her head.

Now, I’m not usually one for monster taxonomy, but every practicing wizard worth their salt knows what a demon looks like. Unfortunately for me, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, this particular demon decided that wondering the wastes of Hell was not high on her list of priorities.

“Look hon,” the demon continued. “I really just need some food; I’m not asking for your eternal soul or anything. Just like a sandwich, or a pizza. Hell, we could order takeout!”

“Fuck’n, why are you even here?” I ask incredulously. “We both know if you wanted to kill me you would have done so already, and I can’t kill you because I haven’t prepped any combat spells today; which you probably already know.”

The demon had already stated that she wanted food but I knew, or at least I thought I knew, that the situation could never be that simple. Demons are expert tricksters, they will lie, cheat, and steal to get anything and everything they want.

“UGH! Why is it always like this.” she stated, more than asked. “Seriously. I am not joking, trying to trick you, or anything else. I just want some food. Please.”

This took me by surprise for a moment. I couldn’t remember hearing of a demon saying “please” to anyone for any reason, they are too prideful. They resent the idea of lowering themselves to beg like that. Or at least… I thought that at the time. I was so surprised in fact, that I did not notice her moving from the place she appeared in my living room to the kitchen.

“You’ve gotta have something to eat in this joint. I promise I’ll pay you back for it! I just reeeeally don’t feel like dying of starvation ya’ know?” she said, completely ignoring me.

Looking back, the funniest part about this situation is that I did not, in fact, have any food in the house. I was dirt poor, and was only living there because it came with my mentorship; a mentorship which did not come with a meal-plan. Capitalism for the win.

“Deep breaths…” I said quietly to myself, as I did my best to regain whatever composure I had left.

---

What I saw unfolding before my eyes as I entered my kitchen was… unique. I’ll honestly never forget it. The demon had somehow already rummaged through all the cabinets, almost taken apart the fridge, and was climbing onto the counters to check above the overhead storage. At least she had the decency to try to look guilty when I walked in, slack jawed at what I saw. Though her tail continued to sway, like she didn’t think she was really in trouble.

“Get down from there you infernal creature!” I said, after some time. If she does any more damage, it might start to have consequences. Demon or not, the master of my little apprenticeship wouldn’t care, he’d drop a big fat bill in my lap before kicking me out.

“Now, now; there’s no need for name calling~.” she said, giving me the biggest puppy eyes I think she could muster. It was… extremely disconcerting to see one of hell’s spawn just… begging. “Besides,” she continued, “I think I found the good stuff!”

She smirked triumphantly, as she pulled out from the top of one of the cabinets a large-ish bottle of cherry wine.

Now, colour me surprised when I find out that someone, probably not one of the previous apprentices, had stored one of the most expensive wines on this side of the continent just… there… in what was now (provisionally) my kitchen.

When I say expensive… I don’t mean like, a few silver, or even a few dozen gold. No, I mean that one of those bottles could buy the whole school my mentor worked at, and so much more.

Whilst I was staring slack-jawed at the bottle, I failed to notice that the woman had found herself a cork-screw. I was so stunned by the whole situation that I just let her open it. She took a massive swig of the liquid money before I could stop her.

“Ahhh~!” she exclaimed, “That’s the good stuff.”

I ran over to her and wrenched the bottle out of her hands. “What are you doing??” I shouted.

“Oh I’m sorry hon.” she said. “I forgot to offer you some!”

Before I could stop her, she grabbed the bottle and shoved it’s end in my mouth.

So, I should probably mention that this alcohol isn’t just super expensive for no reason. It’s expensive because it can make anyone completely wasted with just a sip. It didn’t matter if you were the most powerful mage, the most disciplined warrior, or even a sentient pile of stone. If you drank it, then you were drunk.

I’d like to say that I know exactly what happened after that, but I do not. All I know is that the next thing I remember doing is complaining.

Complaining might be a bit of an understatement. The demon and I were viciously verbally attacking our social superiors, and we showed no sign of stopping any time soon.

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I learned that she was actually a runaway. She had actually fled hell’s infernal depths and succeeded. She even had a few scars from the event. Her “old boss” who I learned to be what the demons of hell call an “arch-fiend” literally stabbed her on her way out when she declared she was quitting.

I, on the other hand, complained about that two bit, self proclaimed, “master of the wizardly ways”, hack that the mentorship I signed attached me to. I complained about the constant lying I had to deal with on a daily basis; the belittling of my person as if I was so much chopped liver was just too much to deal with sometimes.

For her part, when I was talking she listened with wrapped attention. Which I’ll be honest is a first for me.

“You know your teacher dude, whatever his name is, sounds like a bigger dick than my old boss.” She stated matter of factly. “And you know that’s saying something, considering he’s trying to murder me.”

“You know…” I started. “Maybe we don’t need them.”

She looked at me quizzically. “What do you mean?”

“You heard me!” I said. “What if we just left? What if we saved up just enough to fuck off to some forest somewhere?” I speculated.

“Yea…” she said, mulling the idea around in her head. “Yea!”

“Maybe we should just make our own way!” I yell. “See how they like it! We’ll make our own big damn adventure, and we’ll do it better than any of them!”

“YES! EXACTLY!” she shouted, threatening to wake the neighbors.

Her smile slowly fell, as she seemed to contemplate something. “How are you able to just…” she paused. “turn things around like that?”

I thought about it for a bit before answering. “The world is an awful place sometimes; I don’t know if I’ll survive it to see the end.” I told her. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”

We sat in silence for some time.

“Do you think I’ll ever have to go back?” she asked. Obviously not looking forward to the day.

“I don’t know the answer to that…” I trailed off. “Maybe there is an answer somewhere, and maybe it’ll be given soon… but then again maybe not.”

She paused for a time, just thinking. After a long while she asked, “What’s, y’re name sweety?”

“Nora.” I told her. “What’s yours?”

“L’landra.”

---

I woke up the next day in a haze. Apparently, we complained to each other about our lives until very late into the night before passing out together on my couch. For a moment, I mourned the loss of the bottle of liquid gold that she had found, but only a little. It’s not like I would have been able to find a buyer for it. I’d have probably been killed if anyone found out I had it.

My biggest take away from the whole event was that anyone with that much money was probably a bad person anyway; so again, not a total loss. It didn’t matter if the rich were from hell or not, they were all demons.

Speaking of demons, L’landra had stirred from her rest about the same time. She looked probably about as terrible as me; hung over, bags under her eyes, etc…

“Heeey~.” she drawled when she noticed me, “How long have you been there~?”. She bopped my nose with her index finger before falling back onto the couch. She was apparently content to sleep the morning away, and I wasn’t about to argue with her. I simply got up off of the couch, and prepared to attend my lessons.

I didn’t pay much attention that day; there was a lot on my mind. When my mentor noticed, I told him that I was just thinking about some things. He gave me some extra work so that I didn’t “…waste my time on such frivolities as philosophy.”

What a dick.

The thing that I think surprised me the most was that I actually enjoyed talking with L’landra. My first friend turned out to literally be a demon from hell, and I don’t know if that says more about me or the society I live in.

As I was walking home that day, I bought an extra portion of food. I suppose, looking back, my biggest worry was that I’d walk home to find she was gone. That she had been recalled back to the infernal depths, and I had to accept that I’d never see her again.

Fortunately for me, she never left.

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