Chapter 22: Chapter 18 – Mad World

So, I wasn’t expecting the visions to start right away, or for them to make me feel incorporeal and disassociated… like I had disassociated when I still lived with dad and I needed some form of escape, since he had treated me as a drone to train instead of a child who had just lost her mother. 

I was definitely planning to call Mrs. Fahrenheit to set up a therapy schedule now, oh that’s a whole storage unit’s worth of baggage for me to work through… Thanks dad. Really nice gifts from you. I couldn’t even sigh as I was now floating near two young demonesses. One red with four smaller horns and four smaller wings, the other a deep obsidian color. Well, no, not obsidian. It was as if she was made out of matte steel, with horns & wings to match. Neither of them looked older than 19 at most. And the place I was floating in was definitely Hell. Well, at least the little bit I saw of it. Just, sans the pillars and the ziggurat and such. Fresh and untamed and unclaimed. When was this? 

“I think I want to be a mom.” The red one said, deadpan and serious, looking over the grassy field. At least I think it was grass? It had a purple tint to it. 

“We follow Luci out of Heaven in their rebellion, we earn freedom and make a deal to cleanse souls, and you want to use the freedom to be a mother.” The steel one summoned a dagger out of thin air, and pulled a piece of wood out of her pocket, starting to carve it. “Why?” 

The red one stood up, stretched and slowly spun around to face the steel one. “I think I’d be a good mom. Have a couple daughters to take care of and to dote on. It sounds nice, to have a family. Don’t you think so, Odie?” 

“I guess I don’t have the same maternal instincts you do, May.” the dark one finished her carving, unsummoning the dagger and handing her creation to May. “But you are my sister, and I will always protect you. Here, for my first niece.” The two of them hugged afterwards, May giggling and ‘Odie’ smiling ever so slightly. 

 

Next thing I know, that visage fades away, and I’m met with an all too familiar sight. The garden back home. I must have been 6 or 7 back then, based on how I look, sitting on the swing hanging from the big tree, looking bummed out and defeated. When May said visions, I was expecting just her stuff, not my stuff. I saw mom walk out of the house and towards me, crouching down to hold my face. 

“Sweetheart, your first day of school couldn’t have been that bad.” She gently rubbed my cheek with her thumb. Oh fuck, it’s this memory, thanks for digging this one out brain, real nice of you, are you going to make me feel like an idiot that I didn’t realise I was a girl until I accidentally had a cunt? Anyways, first grader me was sniffling a bit, rubbing… her shoulder. Yeah, her. I was always a girl, after all. I’m not going to misgender my younger self. 

“The girls didn’t want to play with me anymore during recess.” Oh. Oh wow. I was so open and honest as a kid to mom. Yeah, I really felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t shame me for it, or yell at me, she’d always make sure I was okay. 

“Well that’s not very nice of them, is it? Did they tell you why?” Yeah mom, of course they told me why, and my young heart didn’t get why it hurt so much to hear it back then. Such a simple answer to such a complicated problem. 

“They said it was because I’m a boy, and I should be playing with boys.” Oh sweet baby me, wiping her nose with her sleeve, christ I was a cute kid. I mean, I had pretty long hair for a 6 year old. Sure it was a bit of a mess, but if it got taken care of and you put me in a skirt, I would have looked like any other girl. Lucky me, I guess. “But the boys are really rowdy and they play rough and they wrestle and I’d much rather play pretend.” You tell yourself it’s because of that, little Lily, and not because you are a girl and want to play with your own kind. 

And then mom just wrapped me in a tight hug and stroked my hair and let me properly cry it out. I missed her... 

 

Oh are we doing another May vision now? She was holding a baby, while surrounded by 35 women and girls, all differently horned and colored, different limb configurations, but they still resembled her. And she definitely looked older. Not quite how she looked now, but she looked 23. May was sitting in an armchair, the steel demon identified as Odie across from her. 

“Her name’s Amber. She’s got her mum’s eyes, but her mom’s nose. And unlike her sisters, she’s very, very quiet.” May kissed the baby’s forehead, smiling, as the child smiled back. Odie took something out of her pocket, putting it gently on Amber. It was a small wooden figure, similar to the one she had carved in the first vision. 

“I’m starting to have trouble keeping count of all my nieces’ birthdays, Meassael. I hope 36 is enough for you.” May chuckled at her sister’s comment. 

“I keep falling in love with humans, Odie, and my daughters are the only thing I get to remember them by. It’s not my fault they’re oftentimes so charming. Especially the women.” Well good to again confirm loving women runs in the family, May. Are all my grandmas gay as Hell? Well, they probably were. Odie nodded and got off her chair at that moment. 

“I heard some Seraphim are getting nervous about a succubus having such a large… well they used the word ‘brood’ for your family. Please be careful, May. I only have so much power.” 

“Says General Odionyx of the Infernal Forces. It was nice seeing you again, sis. Please, do visit more often than just birthdays.” May picked up the little figure to start playing with Amber, as Odie gave the slight smile again. 

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“Maybe once the influx of sinners slows down. Baphomet is keeping me quite busy. I’ll be seeing you later.” There was a sound of a hammer striking an anvil, and Odie vanished in a puff of sparks that quickly dissipated. 

 

Right, next vision was now coming. May’s living room replaced with… my bedroom at dad’s place. Come on visions, I have had enough nightmares about it, couldn’t you have given me more time with mom? I was ten in this scene, my hair had been nearly buzz cut. In fact, it had been buzz cut the moment dad took me in, when mom got moved to the hospital. This was about a month later, my hair had begun growing back. And I was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling with nothing to do. I did that often, back then. What made this vision special. Young me turned to look at the clock. July 10th, 2080, 7:49 am. 

Oh no. Not this one. Anything but this one. Please, visions, take me anywhere else, anywhere. Take me to when May was giving birth, take me to when I broke my arm trying to climb the tree in an attempt to impress the two boys that decided to visit, who I didn’t want to show my room and who then ran off after I fell. Please, take me anywhere but here. Anywhere…

No luck. The house phone rang. Ten year old me got off the bed and moved to pick it up. Dad had gotten called half an hour earlier by the hospital, and he told me to stay at home, that it was something for adults only. That I was to be a good polite ‘son’ and to not make a fuss. Young me picked up the phone. It was dad calling. 

“Yes, Father?” He treated me like an intern at best, and himself as the boss CEO. I might be calling him dad in my head, but he’d never tolerate the show of disrespect of not addressing him as Father. Suck it douchebag, next I’ll call you a Biological Male Parent to distance myself even further. Yes I’m trying to cover up the hurt of what was about to happen with humor. Can you blame me, though? 

“Peter, your mother has just passed away.” Was all dad said. And then he hung up. And left ten year old me to stand in the room, letting her arms drop to the side in shock. She didn’t even cry. I didn’t cry. I vividly remember me standing there, dumbfounded, but most of all? Hurt. There was no emotion in dad’s voice as he said that sentence. No sign of pain. 

And I didn’t get to say goodbye. The moment she got admitted to the hospital, I wasn’t allowed to see her, dad never told me which hospital she was staying at. There were so many things I wanted to tell her before she passed away, and I never got the chance to. Younger me hung up the phone and moved back to her room, expressionless, dead inside. The only good person I had in my life at that point, the only one who cared after my mom’s parents passed away earlier that year, was gone. I wanted to cry my eyes out at the memory, now that I could, but I had done so now many times. 

 

The vision faded away, replaced by a field. On one side, a  bunch of angels, fleeing as fast as they could, except for one six winged one, armored and standing in place, staring at the other side. Thirty five dead demons, all the daughters I had seen in the earlier May vision, all the daughters except Amber. And in the middle of them, May herself. She was kneeling on the ground, tears streaming down her face, and she just looked shocked, as if she had just been shot. There was a very loud noise of glass breaking, and I saw a fire burst from where May’s heart would be. 

Her eyes burst into flame, as well as the tips of her horns, and she rose into the air, floating and staring at the angel staring her down. Her wings were spread, her tail was flailing around, and then there was the sound of thunder. It was too fast to see. Where May had been floating now stood a twenty foot tall giantess of a woman, with four arms, the forearms of each engulfed in flames shaped like lion claws. Her tail had a wicked tip, sharp and terrifying, and her hair was a flame, a roaring fire, shaped like a lion’s mane. A lion’s mane on an angry, hurt lioness. She roared, grabbing the angel by the arms with her top pair, and by three wings with her lower pair. She roared again, louder, right in his face, as she ripped the wings from him, tossing him off to the side. The angel looked at her with awe and fear, possibly realising in that moment that he had royally fucked up. 

 

And then the berserk demoness looked at where I was floating, and I was thrown back, hard, now looking into May’s caring face as she held my hands. She was still taller than me, but not by much. But wait, if she was holding my hands, why did my arms feel stuck, and what was the odd sensation from above my butt? “How long did that take? The visions felt like an hour, at least.” I blurted out, blinking a couple times to make sure I was present. The way my arms were stuck was really not comfortable. 

“It was but ten seconds.” She let go of my hands and pulled me close. “Here, let me help you with that.” She grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled up, and my arms got freed at last. But my arms were coming out of my sleeves, weren’t they? May pulled back from the hug as she looked me over, her eyes watering. “You really look so much like Amber. You even have her tail tip.” Wait, tail tip? Was that what I was… oh my god. I had a tail. 

“I HAVE A TAIL?!?! HOLY SHIT I HAVE A TAIL!!!!” I tried moving it around, snaking it into view, and when I saw it I grabbed it quickly and hugged it. Which also made me hug it with my other set of arms. Turns out the back set was a pair of bat-like wings. I didn’t care about the wings as much as I cared about the tail though. I was squealing in happy noises, letting the visions fade from my mind, as I simply enjoyed the moment. 

I was a cute demon girl with a tail and wings and horns. I was a cute demon girl. 

I am a girl. 

And I wasn’t letting anyone take that from me now.