Chapter 2: 2012 (Age 20)

Kevin always felt like there was something that wasn't quite right about himself. Perhaps it was social anxiety or something to do with his fear of becoming like his father? Perhaps he should see a psychologist about it?

2 Jan 2012 Morning:
I imagined what it would be like to find a psychologist. I’d tell them how I'm afraid to run to the shops, and how I hate my dad. My dad, just in case I haven’t mentioned it... If I end up like him, I’ll kill myself.

But if he saw a psychologist, then he might be compelled to get treated. To be a normal guy. Kevin didn't really want that.

2 Jan 2012 Afternoon:
I don’t want to be normal. I want to be different. I want... to be like Cindy.

Kevin did some more reading and ended up at a post called “I wish I were born a female”. Like most guys, it's something he fantasised about a lot. He had even prayed to wake up as one when he was younger. But was it objectively better? Probably just a case of the grass appearing greener on the other side.

2 Jan 2012 Evening:

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In the past I used to wish I was female, but now I’m not so sure. I wanted to feel sexy, but girls that do get labelled as sluts. Gender roles suck.

Of course, just because he was a guy didn't mean that he had to conform to stereotypes. For example, there was nothing wrong with liking pink even if some people considered it a girly colour. Although he had to be careful not to do anything too obviously girly when living at home.

25 May 2011:
Yesterday Mum bought me a black skipping rope (I told her I wanted to take up skipping). It cost $9.99 and has ball bearing handles. If I were buying it I think I would have got blue (or pink if I had the guts), but whatever. It’s an awesome present.

Kevin never understood why English forced people to use gendered words by default. Sure, he was a guy, but it's not something he wanted to be reminded of every sentence. Words like 'sir', 'he' and 'him' felt like needlessly rubbing salt in a wound.

21 Nov 2012:
I noticed in a Humanity+ article the use of the word ‘hir’, a gender neutral pronoun. It’s about time everyone started using gender neutral words. English is a fucking bullshit language.

 

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