Chapter 12: Chapter 12: Determination

Faith POV. 

As I leave Nia’s place after a weekend of staying over, I’m hit with a plethora of different emotions. Joy, grief, guilt, those are just to name a few. I’m so very confused right now. Delegating the task of walking and navigating my way home to the autopilot part of my mind, I’m trying to sort out the influx of emotions and thoughts. Just the fact that thinking about going “home” leaves me with this weird feeling that “home” is the place I just spent the weekend.

I haven’t been able to keep a lasting relationship since, her. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so very hard, but the walls I myself put up can not be broken by others. At least that’s what I thought until I met Nia. I remember her turning the corner at the university the very first time we met. Eyes preying on me with a burning hunger. I still don’t know what caused it, but I liked the attention. I liked her attention. I didn’t even know her name at the time, but she was different. She’s obviously like me. Finding our peers has become quite a task, everyone else just feels, mundane. Especially after the shift. Introducing powers into society, people thinking they’re some sort of protagonist in a shounen-manga. Hehe, that’s actually something that surprised me regarding Nia. She didn’t know anything about pop-culture or fantasy references. After discovering her upbringing, it does shed light on her lack of particular knowledge in that area. 

I’m just putting off the crux of the issue. My problems with attachment. I’m afraid of getting too close, caring, opening myself to another person again. I know I have to sort this out now, as I can feel myself falling in love with Nia, and by then it is far too late.

It all started during my freshman year of high school. Everything was exciting, I thought I finally found a place where I couldn’t possibly be the smartest person. I was wrong, so very wrong. Turns out people aren’t smarter at all, not even the teachers. They just, fit the mold, cramming, studying, repeating the same things that have been taught for decades. My faint hope dwindling to a whisper of an ember. My, ironically, faith, crashing down. I was almost giving up hope in regards to ever truly fitting in, finding a peer to have fun with, discuss things with.

Then she came into my life. Helena. She was everything I ever wanted. Bright, cheerful, always positive. She wasn’t, to be quite frank, too intelligent, but the way she lit up the world around her far outweighed what I considered to be a “detriment”. With her it didn’t matter, as she played to her own tune, not caring about what others thought of her, yet always stretching out a hand to those who needed it. In hindsight, that’s probably what she did with me.

Over the next two years me and Helena got closer and closer, and I discovered my own sexuality early on, taking some time coming to terms with it. I think she realized quite quickly that I held feelings for her, but instead of pushing me away, we became even closer.

Then came our Junior year. The year when everything went to hell. It started out like a dream come true, a utopia. Me and Helena started dating in secret. Her parents were very religious, and they would absolutely not accept their “perfect” daughter being anything less than their version of “perfect”. Good grades, enough to be independent, but not enough to be truly free. They shackled her to their own ideals, slowly stealing her joy and everything that truly made her Helena. Religious meetings, Sunday school, marriage interviews with the “perfect” men. Helena confided in me a lot of times as she broke down, unable to keep up the pretenses 24/7. Then when we started dating, she finally held hope. Just a few more years, and we could move in together. That never happened. We thought we were careful, but we were naïve, even me, with my self proclaimed genius mind. I still lacked experience in the world of adults.

A girl from the religious circle saw us making out on one of our “study sessions”, out in the city. She quickly reported it to Helena’s father. That’s when everything went wrong. She was grounded, brainwashed, mentally abused until I couldn’t even recognize her anymore. She kept away from me, saying “God doesn’t accept what you want, God says it’s wrong.” She didn’t even think for herself. I thought it would pass, giving her some space so she could compose herself, so she could come back. That mistake will haunt me for my life.

One night I got a cryptic message, asking me to meet me on the rooftop of our school. I never lost hope. I thought finally she’d  had enough. That we’d run away together, away from her parents and the abuse. I was right about one thing, she’d had enough. As I arrived at the rooftop, I saw her sitting on the ledge, dangling her feet. To me it was a sign that the happy and cheerful girl I fell in love with was finally back. Then she noticed me. She stood up, walked towards me with a smile. Pulling me into a kiss as I closed my eyes and savored the moment my girlfriend finally came back to me.

When I opened my eyes I saw Helena standing at the ledge, faced towards me, tears streaming down her face. I couldn’t hear what she said, but I felt it. I saw her lips move as my brain worked in overdrive, processing what was happening before my eyes. She gave me her best smile, her image in that moment was that of an angel, crying, facing the sins of the world.

Then she took a leap, and fell to her death.

I couldn’t manage to look at her corpse, for weeks I was broken. Playing and repeating every moment of our life together, but the nights didn’t give me any rest. While my mind during the day fantasized about all the good times. The nights gave me visions of true horror. That final moment where she walked off the building. She came back to haunt me, telling me how everything was my fault. That I left her. That I betrayed her. To this day the nightmares won’t stop. They come every night. Except. For the past few nights they haven’t.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I was given powers over ice, nor that my contracted goddesses are who they are. The wall of ice I raised around my heart, encasing it in an everlasting frost, to bear the guilt and memories for the rest of my life. Until I met her. Nia. She was the antithesis to everything Helena was. I felt it the first time we met. She was like me. Intelligent without question, eclipsing anyone I’ve ever met. The raw hunger in her eyes as she basked in the sight of my body. Her crude attempt at an excuse that she knew I would see through. She was like me. A girl broken beyond repair. I didn’t know her story at the time, but I felt it. She had walls around her, but her aura exuded an undeniable authority, confidence, unshaken by the ways of the world. Yes she was broken, but she was undeniably free. True freedom.

Her first impression left me thinking about her every waking moment, and as if the world was listening to my pleas, she appeared before me again, at my lowest moment. She doesn’t know it, at least not yet, but the night she walked into that bar, and sat besides me. I was contemplating ending my life. That day was the anniversary of her death.

Nia sat down besides me, her aura and eyes telling me exactly what she wanted. She wanted my attention, undivided, unequivocally for the remainder of that night. I decided to give her what she wanted.

As we danced, I lost myself in the music. Nothing mattered at that moment, my entire world was filled with the unrivaled beauty in front of my eyes. I already suspected it the first time we met, but she was undeniably the picture of a Goddess walking amongst mortals. I gave in to her desire, her touch, her feel, her warmth.

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We didn’t dance for very long, we both felt the tension between us, the want and need for physical contact, and we gave in to our carnal desires. I wanted to please this girl in front of me, make every inch of her body crave me, only thinking about me. I didn’t realize at the time that she was exactly what I needed, arriving in front of me like a saviour to pull me out of the dark. That night was the first time I felt needed for a very long time, and the first night in years without nightmares.

We met again a few days later, only at the time I didn’t realize it was “us”, who met. I was on a mission as my alter ego, Devotion. There was a hostage situation with a group of anarchists who only wanted to cause chaos. I was on my way to the scene when I was held up by an affiliated group. And again, she came in my time of need. Her fluid motions, the golden aura of her spear. Her perfect spearmanship as her rosy golden hair danced in the wind as she twirled around, taking down man after man, like she was an untouchable flower dancing to her own beat. I was mesmerized.

When it was all over, she simply walked up to me. Looking into my eyes with the same hunger and lust she had always displayed towards me. For a second I got my hopes up, but then I realized I was wearing my mask. Which covers my telltale snowflake pupils. It was then I lost hope again. I thought she just went for every pretty girl, but the way she looked at me, interacted with me, followed me unquestioningly like she had done that night at the dancefloor, I suspected she knew then. That she saw “me”, Faith. Not Devotion.

We proceeded to the scene, always keeping Nia in my peripheral vision, and she looked, bored. I knew she wasn’t normal, no way she could be, but the total lack of what I assumed was regard for human, or well, former human life shattered my image of her, I thought she was coldblooded, only caring about herself. I was half right. I misjudged the look of antipathy and boredom on her face. She wasn’t just uncaring, she was ridiculing us that we couldn’t find a way to safely resolve the situation. Finally giving up she took control by storm. Uncaring about comments, or looks. She was in command. The officer in charge wanted to question her capabilities, but I quickly shut him down, fearing he would cross a line that should never be crossed. I could feel the pressure of her aura bearing down on us when her authority was questioned. She swiftly and without hesitation issued commands, and only a few minutes later we were left with a dozen dead terrorists, and not a single lost hostage. The swiftness, the tactics, the precision, the way she used herself as a distraction. Walking unarmed into the middle of chaos, she was again like a Goddess descended on Earth. It was then I knew we had to have her.

After everything was resolved I sent a report to Mystica, who agreed with taking her back to the HQ. As we arrived in Mystica’s office, Nia again took complete control. Immediately outing Mystica as Ingrid. Giving some obvious flimsy excuse as to how she deduced it. Again baffling me with her intelligence. I have no doubt she thought her conclusion and deduction was completely ordinary, as I don’t think she realizes exactly how intelligent she is.

After a short conversation, it was her turn to be surprised. She actually didn’t know about her own Aura. I didn’t know whether to be impressed, or laugh in ridicule. It was so mind-bendingly impossible that she didn’t realize the effect she had on people. It was then again I realized how completely out of the norm she was, and how she completely failed to judge her own level. She agreed to everything Ingrid wanted, and I could tell Ingrid did everything she could to keep her on our side, giving unheard of benefits in her so called “deal”.

And then we were at her home. I knew she was rich, I didn’t believe her cover story about Greek nobility, so I had to wonder how she could afford such a home, but when I asked her aura pressured me to give up the subject, as I was just given a smile. I don’t think she did it intentionally, I still don’t think she knows how her aura works.

After I was done with work, I was a nervous wreck, thinking about where I was, and who I was with. I didn’t even realize that my own instincts took control of my body, until she pointed it out, but instead of pushing me away, she pulled me in. I turned on the TV, but nothing on it even registered in my mind. I was too captivated by the possibilities this girl, this goddess gave me. She gave me hope. She had melted the coffin of ice surrounding my heart. We didn’t do much that evening, she asked to pet my tail, and then she turned it into some kind of game. I don’t think she realized I was in full control of my tails, I just wanted her to touch them to pet them. As the night grew on, I dreaded having to leave. My bravado from a few nights ago completely gone. I just wanted to surrender myself into the embrace of this girl, but she made no moves, nothing. I heard my mind screaming at me to never repeat what happened with Helena, but I knew if I left that door, I would never get another chance.

Summoning every ounce of courage I had in me, I gave her a flimsy kiss on the cheek. As I attempted to bolt out the door. She slammed it shut. I thought she was angry at me, but the seductive whisper in my ear, calling me the new pet name she’s given me, fox. It sent shivers up my spine, and when I came to I was pushed down on the bed, and given the best night of my life.

I knew the next morning that a dreadful conversation was about to take place, and she initiated it. Still fearful of commitment, I laid myself bare, expecting her to turn me away. I couldn’t start anything new when I’m still so uncertain, riddled with guilt. As to blow all of my expectations away, she simply conceded and accepted everything. I was both in ecstasy and in the deepest pits of hell. I thought for a second she didn’t truly care about me, she just wanted intimacy, and nothing else that comes from a proper relationship.

I let out one of my thoughts, and I could feel her aura going from the calm, serene warmth she had when she woke up, and into something cold and distant, as her expression mirrored her aura. Contrary to my expectations, she sat me down later that day and had a proper conversation. Opening up. Her past was worse than what I expected. An orphan, left for dead. Raised with the expectation that every day would be her last. Bred as a tool for the use of her government. No freedom, no life.

And then I asked about the gap in the timeline, something I still wish I hadn’t done. What little she told me confirmed my worst fears. This strong, brave warrior girl so desperately breaking down, I can’t even imagine what was done to her in that facility. I’m not even sure if I ever want to find out.

The rest of the weekend was pure bliss. We cuddled, kissed, hugged. We simply just hung out together, without labels or interruptions. I did notice something funny, it almost looked like she forgot about going to the bathroom, which was quite odd. I also found her lack of food and drinks odd, and a couple of times I wanted to question what she added to her coffee. I figured I wasn’t meant to know, so I didn’t ask.

And here I am. Still undecided, but I know I have to move forwards. I know this is my chance at redemption, that I can finally be free of the shackles of guilt that has bound me for years. I don’t want to forget, but I want to move on. With her.

 

With Nia.

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