Chapter 50: Chapter 49

Jackie sat alone in the lunchroom, sipping her water bottle, but not touching her pizza or old looking banana. A week had passed since her life had ended... for the second time that year. Every day passed like a fleeting smell on a breeze. It felt like time meant nothing to her anymore. School meant nothing to her anymore. Only the pestering of people around her compelled her to eat.

Much to her dread, Douglas, Aidan, and Sadie all sat down at her table. Surprisingly, she saw Wendy sit next to her in the corner of her eye. Jackie had seen so little of the husky girl since she'd changed.

"Hey Jackie," Wendy said.

"Hi."

"I heard about Matt," Wendy said in a very quiet tone. It was very meek and calm, in contrast to the anger that had been present in her voice since her change.

"Yeah," Jackie said, only now taking a bite of pizza to avoid talking. Cold. Ugh.

"I've never known someone who's been stuck in a coma," Wendy said, "let alone two at the same time... but I have been through -"

"Spare me your ramshackle sympathy Wendy," Jackie said, her eyes firmly down at her tray. "I know how this ends. You hope and you hope... and then they don't come back. It's what happened to my dad. It's what's going to happen to Matt and Ashley."

Douglas placed his paw-hand on her shoulder. "You don't know that Jackie. People have been in comas for years, but then come out fine."

His words were all for show. Other than the people that'd been there when they confronted Seth, Jackie's mom and Douglas were the only other people who knew the truth. The Hewitt's had managed to keep it all relatively quiet, but Douglas was having to fight hard, and lie to a painful degree to keep all the people at the canis club from trying to visit Matt. He'd not been able to stop the nonstop tide of cards and little gifts hoping that he'd "wake up."

Jackie had read some of them. They'd only made her feel sicker. People poured out how much they cared about Matt, how his desire to be a friend to everyone had gotten them through their massive shift in life. She missed him so much. In his absence they had turned to her, as if she had anything to offer them.

She could make a neat little poster for the club, or take some artistic pictures for the club's social media, but she couldn't lead. Any attempt to comfort someone who'd been bullied led to her awkwardly handing the person off to Douglas, because she could think of nothing to say. She wondered how the club would react if she went into a "coma." Probably forget she existed. If they did, all the cards sent to her would vastly overstate what she did in the club. 

"I guess all I can say Jackie," Wendy said, "is that Matt would want you to try to keep a stiff upper lip, and try to get through it. He would want you to try to be happy."

"People just... augh," Jackie grunted, wiping her tears away in anger. "People keep saying that. Turn that frown upside down. Gosh I hate emotions. My mom is right. They suck. Everything should be more logical."

"I guess being told to be happy is really annoying," Aidan said. "When I first changed,I just was so... I felt awful. Now I don't mind it. It's not like I made an active effort to accept it. It just takes time. You can't magically lift yourself out of the water, but you can stay afloat the best you can."

Jackie didn't respond. She sat up straighter, and looked at her friends with a neutral expression. They were all dog people. Two huskies, another golden retriever, and an australian shepherd. Being in love had distracted her from how weird this all was, but she felt like she was in a moment of wakeful clarity.

It all felt unnatural. She felt somehow, that she was doing something wrong by just existing. The others were simply pulled into this against their will. Jackie knew though that if she'd been given the opportunity, she may have chosen to willingly change. Other than perhaps Sadie, she didn't feel like she belonged around even canis people.

"Jackie?" Wendy got her attention.

Jackie breathed in deep as she stared at them, at the same time, able to smell them just as vividly as she could see their faces. For a moment she was hyper aware of her canine features. Her wet snout, the twitching of her tail. She felt pent up somehow, like she wanted to escape. What she wanted to escape from she had no idea.

"Guys...," she said with a weak voice. "If they found a cure today... would you change back?"

They seemed a bit surprised by the question.

"Yes," Wendy answered first.

"I don't know," Douglas said. "Maybe. I haven't really thought about it too much."

Sadie put on a characteristic smile. "I guess... no. I feel alright. There are jerks out there, but I can deal with them. As for how I feel on my own, I don't see any reason to change back."

Sadie hadn't made any attempts to conceal that she liked being canis. It felt so strange to Jackie - not just that someone could be so open about it, but that everyone seemed to just shrug it off. There was a tapping against the walls of her mind telling her that she was overreacting, and no one cared if she liked this. But of course, she never listened to those little taps.

"I... I've thought about it," Aidan said, a bit of timidness on his face. "If you'd asked me right after I changed, obviously yeah, I'd change back. I was pretty mad at Matt right after I changed to be honest. But I got to know Matt... I got to know other canis people... and I got to know my new body. I don't know. I have a bunch of people in the club I like hanging out with. I'd feel out of place there if I was human again."

"But everyone would be human again Aidan," Jackie said.

He looked down at the sandwich in his hands. "I... I guess? Really would everyone want to change back?"

Jackie took a sip of her water. "Not you, apparently."

Aidan took on a sheepish expression, his ears flattening to his head. "I... no. I just... it's taken so long to adjust... and..."

"It's okay dude," Douglas said. "No one is judging you."

Aidan sighed. "All of us are thinking it. It feels good to pant, to wag our tails... but it's just... so weird. Even around other canis people it feels really embarrassing." He licked his nose.

Douglas and Sadie nodded in agreement - Wendy remained still.

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Aidan ran his hand through his hair, it's blonde color blending in with his fur.

"I get you Aidan," Sadie said. "It really is just fun being canis. It feels so alive... and expressive..."

"And unnatural," Jackie said. "And bizarre. And gross."

They all looked to her. She couldn't read their expressions. Pity? Disappointment? Even Wendy didn't seem to have the most positive reaction.

"Jackie," Douglas said, "I know that you like this."

Jackie let out a long, pained exhale, shaking at the same time.

"You had no problem being yourself when you were with Matt."

"This is not me."

Douglas shook his head. "Jackie, I'm not going to dive into some debate on souls or identity or anything like that, just... if you like it, if that's the way you want to act, and if it isn't hurting anyone... just let yourself enjoy it."

Jackie set her jaw.

"You and Matt seemed happy," Wendy said. "I personally don't get all the... dog stuff you guys were okay with, but..."

"See," Jackie said gesturing to Wendy, "there's always going to be someone saying what I like is wrong."

"Now I didn't say -"

"You think it's at least weird," Jackie said. "You're silently judging me. All Matt did was distract me from the outside world. He distracted me from the fact that they all see me as a gross mutant. He helped me hide from the fact that strip away all this weirdness, and even as a human, I was barely a somebody."

"Now Jackie, "Douglas said, "that's - "

"I'm not finished," she said. "I have watched all of you. All of you actually are somebodies. You go out in the world and do things. You make people's lives better. Matt... he made the whole club. He helped so many people, and I just... I'm just Jackie. I'm nothing without him. I used him as a crutch, and now he's been kicked away out from under me. I'm left to stagger around on my own, and I have no idea how to walk."

The others didn't respond. She only now realized that rivulets of tears were going down her face. She cried for an uncomfortably long time in silence, feeling shame as she let out a few canine whimpers.

They still didn't say anything. Douglas reached out to her, and placed his hand on hers. Then Wendy stretched out and put her hand on his. They pulled Jackie's hand to the center of the table, where Aidan and Sadie joined in.

"We care about you Jackie," Douglas said.

"Matt cared about you," Sadie added. "and I'd have to imagine it's because he saw something in you."

Jackie sniffled. "I don't know what that could be. It's not like I play an instrument, am great at leading people, at - "

"You can't boil people down to some checklist," Douglas said. "Sometimes people like you... when I think of the fun times I've had with you, Matt, and my other friends... you're just fun to be around. You're just a good friend. You don't need to win a trophy, or show off for everyone. Some people may appear larger than life - and many of us feel smaller... but are still capable of doing small little good things. I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of."

More tears came. Wendy glanced to Jackie, and for the first time in months, she saw a genuine smile come to Wendy's face.

Jackie didn't say much more. They finished lunch, and then after school, they hung out together with some other canis friends.

Her grief didn't go away, but she did start feeling better. It wasn't because she made some great heel turn in her life. Maybe she'd just gotten exhausted from feeling awful for so long. Maybe she'd just needed to open up, and have a good cry.

Slowly as a few more days passed, the lethal wound in her heart began to heal. She went to the canis club, and tried to just be nice to people. She couldn't be a great leader like Matt, but maybe she could just be a friend.

And it was a small thing, being around the other people like her. In the process of just having a fun time talking with her friends, arguing about some devious tactic Aidan was using in one of his board games... she felt like for the first time... that she was comfortable with who she was. It wasn't just comfort in her canis body, but peace with who she was deep down.

She relaxed, letting go of the tense stress that had dominated her life. She fought against the compulsion to keep herself wound up. For years, she'd felt like if she let up on the gas even just a little bit, she was not "doing her best" - she was being lazy, useless... but she allowed herself to slow down. She kept up with everything she needed to do... but she allowed herself the freedom to find enjoyment in life, and be satisfied with what she was capable of accomplishing.

Jackie started hanging out with Wendy again, studying with her to work on getting her grades back together. She made the effort to pick up her camera more, and go out and practice her photography. As she captured the images of the world around her, she started finding that she was focusing on the slow, patient movement of nature - the continued rolling of the clouds across the sky, or an ever flowing stream.

One day Jackie captured a photo of a single sprig of grass, growing among all the others. It wasn't a different color, it didn't have a flower on it or anything sappy like that. It just seemed to her that it was the slightest, microscopically bit shorter than the others. No one passing by would have noticed. But perhaps the blade of grass noticed. 

Something about that photo of the blade of grass stuck with her. She saved it on her tablet, and then texted the picture to Matt.

It would be a nice surprise when he woke up.