Chapter 11: Chapter. 11: Realization of Beliefs

I took a few deep breaths to recompose myself.  It was just the perception of the people here. Not the truth. Grim Reapers were grim… That⁠— That was the conception here…  Death was bad, and I wanted to change that conception, however, I was a Grim Reaper… If they thought of me as grim, and death as grim. Then… This was harder than it should be, no? 

At the same time, it meant that I couldn’t call myself⁠— couldn’t introduce the words Grim Reaper when talking about death. Because it was grim. And I didn’t want to be, or talk in grim terms! 

Finally I relaxed. I couldn’t shove my ideals onto people. I had to be at their level in order to approach⁠— I think. The man had stopped paying attention to me as I experienced a myriad of emotions, but finally I closed my eyes for a moment. At least, I had to make things right. 

“I never intended to change your way of life, Sir.” Was that how people spoke? “You see, I am a firm believer in the whole; second-life. So whenever people seem to not be happy regarding death it bothers me quite a lot, so I am trying to understand the reason why it's so grim.” 

The man behind the desk paused his reading and looked at me. His frown deepened by the second. Did I say something wrong? 

“I think it’s more than obvious why it’s grim. Lady, I think it’s great that you don’t see it as something bleak. However, you should understand that not everyone is you. Yes, perhaps my wife is dead, perhaps she is indeed in a better place, perhaps all of this is true. But so what?” He said in obvious annoyance.

“Sorry?” Why was he speaking to me like that? 

“So, what I am saying is. My wife is in a better place, yes?” He stood up and looked me in the eyes. I nodded, confused. “Then, why am I not there? She cried on her deathbed, and you’re telling me she is in a better place? Did she get over me? Will she remember me?” 

“That is⁠—

“I think it’s better to not entertain these types of thoughts for the sake of sanity. Lady, I am done speaking with you. If you’re interested for whatever reason in arranging disposal, funerals, or cremation give us a call. If not then I request you don’t show up again.” He huffed, and started reading. 

I stood there in silence. What⁠— What had I said that was so bad? I⁠— I never intended it to be like that… He should’ve just… I should’ve⁠— I paused myself. 

“I understand…” I bit my lip and walked away.

I exited the dull building that was the funeral home. Looked around at the bustling city⁠— at the walking people, at the shining sun, at the various birds I had never seen before. In the end, I sighed. And looked at the expanding light-blue sky. 

Did she get over me? Will she remember me? His voice resounded in my head heavily. Elysium. Even if she were there, would there just be a fake version of the man there? And if there wasn’t, did she just get over him? 

I didn’t like how it sounded. I shook my head and began walking. I didn’t like how it sounded at all. I had⁠— I had never thought about it. But now… It simply made me feel sick. How had I overlooked something like that? 

I kicked a random pebble and walked somewhere else. I had to… think. 

◇ ◇ ◇ 

I looked around briefly. Once again, I find myself here. The park I had initially come to, and the park I always ended up in… There was something about the place that helped me calm my thoughts, but maybe it was just the growing familiarity I had with the place. However, I didn’t feel particularly great. 

I couldn’t really get it off my mind. At least, I had to relax, get it off my mind… Well⁠, it wasn’t something that I could forget. But, I didn’t want it to weight on my mind so heavily⁠— at least not right now… 

I sighed and looked for somewhere to sit, my gaze landed on a distant gaze with⁠— was he waving at me? It was a bald person with age spots, an old person. He had black-tinted glasses, and wore a dried-blood⁠— wine colored sweater. It was the old man. The person that had told me I would reach my own Elysium… 

My slight displeasure with the things he had said to me wasn’t worth it, at the same time none of the other benches looked free. Well, there were a couple with sitting space. But better it was better to at least sit with someone I had interacted with in the past, rather than a new person. 

Well for now anyway. 

I made my way to the old man and sat next to him. 

“You seem bothered,” he commented, looking somewhere in the distance. 

“You can tell?” I asked with a mix of confusion and surprise. Though, I still felt mostly bothered. 

“Of course, you were so cheerful telling that kid to die,” he chuckled. “But look at you now. All slumped, all slow, all sad.” He was happy, as he spoke. “So what is it?” 

I paused, before deciding to speak, albeit I felt down still.  “I tried getting a job, but that didn’t go too well. Too much scheduling.” 

“Hmm,” he pondered. “Yeah, I suppose that’s how people do things nowadays, appointments and such.” 

I nodded. “It’s a bit annoying.” 

“Though,” he looked at me. “You don’t seem like the type of person to get upset about such things.” 

A sigh escaped me. “You’re right. I am not…” 

“Hmm, you don’t wanna talk about it? I don’t bite.” He smiled, then looked into the distance. “At the same time, I understand.” 

I played with my fingers a bit. “It’s just…” 

“It’s just?” 

“It’s just that⁠… well, ever since coming here… I’ve realized that death isn’t really what I made it out to be. It’s inherently grim it seems.” Ah… I had said⁠— whatever… 

“I see, indeed it is. But why does that bother you?” 

Right… “Because death shouldn’t be sad, but everyone here seems to make it sad. Elysium exists for a reason.” 

“Ah, right. Elysium…” the old man recalled. “I think death can be happy, but there is always the bitterness that comes soon after. You described it as a never ending happiness.” 

I shifted uncomfortably. “I did… Elysium is a paradise for those that have died I suppose. So it could be said that it’s always going to be happy…” 

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“You say that, but it seems like this is bothering you too.” 

“It is…” I sighed in exasperation. It hadn’t even been that long, this was the… Third day? And yet, comparing the negative interactions with the positive ones; it was about fifty-fifty, I felt tired. But more importantly, I simply didn’t know what I was doing. 

Everything I believed in… 

It all seemed wrong here…

In the end, I just disliked seeing things that were similar to the Underworld. In the end, it bothered me. Things that reminded me of my home… I wanted things to be different here. But it seemed that I was ignorant. 

“It’s all just⁠— I want to help people, part of it is a sense of duty, and the other is simply because I enjoy it. I thought death was different. But it seems that my beliefs were wrong…” 

“I don’t think they are wrong.” The old man shook his head. “Perhaps misguided, but not wrong. I don’t think it’s wrong to want death to be happy, it’s a noble thing. I think it’s good to be realistic, but you shouldn’t not try to make it happy. Of course, you’re not a miracle worker, but cheering people up is within your capabilities.” 

“Is it?” I asked with genuine confusion. It all seemed like a coin-toss so far. 

“Talking with you is interesting, and may I say fun. People are so bland nowadays.” 

“Eh?” Was he being serious⁠⁠— no he was. I could just feel it. “Thanks…” 

I felt relieved, but there was still something that bothered me. 

“Remember how I talked about Elysium?” The  old man nodded. “I⁠— I went to a funeral home today, I wanted to understand why people seemed to adamant about death. The receptionist was well⁠— rude? But at the same time I understand. I think I simply didn’t take his feelings into account… But he mentioned something that is bothering me.” 

I waited for the old man to give me a nod before continuing. 

“All my life I had believed Elysium was paradise, which it is. I just never thought about how it worked. He mentioned his dead wife⁠— and well. Wouldn’t there be a fake husband there?” I asked with insecurity. 

“Perhaps, if her husband was happiness to her then perhaps there is another him there.” The old man said wistfully. “But I don’t see the problem with another him or me being there. So long as they are happy, it’s fine with me.” 

My shoulders slumped. “But… is that really happiness?”

“Nothing wrong with any form of happiness. But I think it’s just old me speaking on that one.” 

“I guess…” I paused and followed the old man’s gaze. He was looking off in the distance of the park, somewhere⁠— somewhere past the kids playing, somewhere past the picnics, somewhere. 

Was it fake happiness? I couldn’t help but wonder. If it was simply created to be for happiness… Was it wrong? The denizens of the Underworld did various things in their craze, and some enjoyed it⁠— they were happy even. And their happiness? The feeling felt almost the same across the board. 

In that sense, it was fine. Even if it was fake. It bothered me, but… It was the same feeling… I guess I had to just think about it. Even if it bothered me, it didn’t bother me that much… 

I had other things to think about. 

“Old man, you said that I make you happy?” 

“Old man,” he chuckled. “Yeah I am old, you can call me that if you’d like. Though I never said you make me happy.” 

“You didn’t?” I asked in confusion. But his mood had improved when talking to me! And he was also happy, when mentioning me being fun to talk to… 

“Well, I suppose you make me happy. All I do is sit on this bench most days. But your conversation with the woman was amusing.” He stood up. “I gotta get going now, but you’re a nice girl. Just keep your sights straight, and everything will be good.”

“I⁠— I am Kaiti,” I hastily introduced myself. He thought that much of me?! 

“I see, you can still just call me Old man.” I nodded. 

I made him happy… But, he said he sat on the bench most days. He should do more… Like⁠— touring the city! As he began to walk, I opened my mouth. 

“What do you think of going on a city tour?” 

“Hmm?” He turned around and looked at me in confusion through his glasses. 

“I mean… I am new here and… you said you sit here most days, so why not… Well, accompany me maybe…” I fiddled with my hands a bit. I sounded ridiculous, didn’t I? 

The Old man pondered for a bit before nodding. 

“Do you really want me to accompany you?” He asked, still confused. 

I hesitated. “I just thought that maybe… I could make you happier, that’s all.” 

The Old man cackled hearing me, the confusion long gone. “Sure, sure. We can meet here, just try to get here early in the morning, say at ten or so.” 

“Okay, I’ll be here at ten!” I waved at him.

He did a small wave back and walked away. His hunched back didn’t let me see his expression, but I could feel his pleasant happiness.