Chapter 38: Chapter. 39: Existential Scythe Dread

After a few more minutes of talking, just like always; The Old man left with a smile, bidding me a farewell. Though he at least made sure to tell me that he was always available to talk, which made the goodbye much less sad. Why does he always have to leave? I did not know, why couldn’t he just… stay around?

In the end, I simply pouted while returning home. The temporary home. My mood had become slightly sour, not too much, but I did wish The Old man would just stay around. Why did he even need to go to that big home of his? No, perhaps he simply had other things to do. But no matter the things he had pending, it still bothered me a lot.

I made sure to stop by a store and buy cookies and chips, Ash seemed to always be grumpy so perhaps the chips and cookies helped in some way. After thanking the taxi driver I was back home, though there was still the fear of not knowing the address. But my phone had that covered! Thankfully.

I paused upon reaching the entrance. Couldn’t I just open a portal to the inside of the house? Huh. Taxis seemed kind of useless to me all of the sudden. Ash did mention not being discovered, but part of me believed that doing so in secluded places wasn’t really a problem. At the same time, I had told Officer Carter all about the Underworld and nothing came of it.

I opened the door having the realization that I could simply just open a portal in the future. Taxis were convenient to know which place I wanted to go to in the future, but anything else was mostly just unnecessary. Well I was already here. I shook my head and walked in with the plastic bag in hand.

I headed for the couch, and turned on the TV. Just like Ash, I simply existed and ate snacks as I passed the day. It was relaxing. After a few hours of looking at programs I became tired and went to bed. There were a lot of things to think about, mostly about how to move forward and simply other things.

◇ ◇ ◇

The next day, I took a shower, got dressed and summoned my scythe. The shadows from around the damp room gathered, from the far reaches of the room. They arrived at my feet and soon gathered at my hand. A second later I held my scythe in full.

It hummed to me. It was happy? Happy was good, I supposed. Though…

The scythe kept humming, it wanted more. As I ran my hand through its length I found that it seemed to be happy. I kept rubbing it and giving it attention as my scythe hummed and hummed. Did it just want attention?

I had been somewhat dismissive of it as of recently. Or rather for quite a while now. It had taken as much abuse as I had and yet I never went beyond thanking it. At the same time I was beginning to doubt if a scythe was really an extension of a Grim reaper, and our will.

It couldn’t squirm, but just from the emotions it projected it seemed to want more and more of my attention. The more I gave it my attention the more doubtful I grew.

Did I want attention that much? I pondered over the question as I spent a part of my morning with my scythe. Moving it across the room and onto the bed, it never cut anything since it didn’t want to do so. It was simply happy.

The happier it felt the more confused I was in turn. I guess I did want attention? Well not quite, I did not think so anyway. But part of me did feel lonely whenever the Old man left, and without Ash everything was just… empty.

I stopped touching my scythe/ A wave came crashing down on my emotions as the scythe became mildly sad, and I simply realized, I realized that I indeed simply wanted company. Just like my scythe did. I wanted to help with being a Grim reaper, I wanted to make people happy. I was happy by making Ash happy and helping her with the monsters. But⁠—

Did I even care about being an Abyssal Hunter? Now I felt somewhat responsible knowing that I could potentially save lives. But before?

Hardly.

I wanted to be stronger so that something like the tentacle monster wouldn’t happen to me again. But it was simply a means to an end.

I just wanted to make other people happy, perhaps killing monsters was a way of training. As Ash had put it dad had never really made me fight much, if at all. I hadn’t sent a single soul to Elyisum to this day, and when the opportunity came it was prevented.

What was I even supposed to be doing here?

I didn’t really know. Dad had just said that as long as I simply followed fate I would figure it out. Was this part of fate? Was joining the Abyssal Hunters fate? I did not know.

I felt as if I didn’t know anything. Everything suddenly seemed so simple. I wanted company so I seeked company, I kept talking to Ash because I liked talking to her⁠ ⁠— I liked talking to someone. I joined the Abyssal Hunters because I could grow stronger, but it was also because Ash was offering it. If it had been anybody else⁠, perhaps I wouldn’t even have tried to pursue the tentacle monster into the Bordering Lands.

I didn’t really know what action I would take in such a scenario. But it all bothered me. I told myself I wanted to help Ash. And well⁠— I did. I felt bad for her, but that was well normal. I wanted to see her smile, because I like to make people happy.

Perhaps wanting attention wasn’t the right word. More like I wanted to be happy. If others around me were happy, then I’d be happy too. It sounded almost perfect in my head. I sought happiness because I disliked how sadness felt around me. If I couldn’t sense emotions, then…

Would I still want to make people happy? If I wasn’t a Grim reaper… Would I be the same?

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I didn’t know…

I just didn’t know…

I sat next to my scythe and placed it on my lap, it stretched to my sides and its blade faced the ground. It hummed in an attempt to calm me down, but it was ineffective. I simply felt… wrong.

Everything felt wrong. The scythe of a Grim reaper was a window of the things we wouldn’t normally see. But all this time⁠— it was right there. That desire to make others happy simply because I in turn felt happy from it. Wasn’t that selfish? I wanted to help people because I would gain happiness from doing so.

It felt wrong.

Was I selfish? I did not know. I did not know anything.

No, selfish wasn’t it. My goal in life had always been to simply get away from sadness. Happiness was the best feeling I had experienced, at least in its pure form. But I had never done anything else other than desire something like that.

Was my entire existence just based on trying to be happy from making others happy⁠—

Did I actually even care about being a Grim reaper?

I paused. I simply stared at the floor for a couple of seconds feeling my heart-rate increasing and my hands shaking. Was it wrong to want to make others happy for the sake of being happy myself?

I⁠—

Was it wrong to be a Grim reaper if I could make others happy?

I took a deep breath and my scythe hummed in unison. I had to calm down and simply… Not worry about things. I chuckled feeling slight itchiness growing on my eyes. I am being silly, aren’t I? Being aware of what I was doing wouldn’t change things much.

I stared at my scythe that simply existed there, perhaps it was a reflection of myself, but at the same time even if sentient, a scythe was different. Or maybe I told myself that to feel better. In the end. I felt slightly foolish. What was done, was done already.

Happiness is good, and sadness is bad.

That had always been my mindset. And in retrospect I don’t think it was a bad mindset, it was simply based on my own perceptions. Grim reaper, good, bad, it didn’t matter. I was a Grim reaper and that was the end of it. I wanted to be a Grim reaper, and I wanted to be like dad.

Could I whole-heartedly say I wanted to be a Grim reaper now? I did not know.

But I also felt like it simply did not matter.

I was simply…

Me.

I ended up not doing anything, simply sitting around, bringing my scythe around and eventually, simply going outside to buy food and coming back to the house and watch more TV. I simply wanted to relax, not think about things. But more importantly ⁠— enjoy myself.

The day passed as I stared at different forms of entertainment, from the screaming chef man, to the people that theorized the origins of civilization. I could tell a lot of things were, well… entertainment. But that did not take away from the fascination I felt. Hours passed as I stared at the screen going through the programs as time ticked by.

Before I knew it, the day ended. This time, there were no negative emotions around. Just simple peace.

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