Chapter 37: 37

Chapter 37

Translator: wuttisyun

[Dear Princess,

I still do not believe you. But I would like to continue watching you. So it’s up to you whether or not you would like to follow my suggestion. I wonder if you can do it. If you survive, that would be fun too.]

The letter from Amor. I did not know what he was thinking and what he was trying to say when he sent that letter that day but whatever he said was true. The first day I died, instead of doing what Amor suggested, I quickly begged for my life in fear.

[… That is all I am going to say. In short, act like a clown.]

I finally understood the meaning of Amor’s letter. There were no swords being pointed at the sky and those who had been preparing to kill all the maids were instead staring at me. When they were not managing their expressions, the knights would look confused and taken aback before straightening out their face.

I gave those who were staring at me without a word a blank stare as I looked at the horror and confusion on their faces with utter joy.

The way I was desperately struggling to survive was just another day for them, right? I felt sad for them.

After repeating my life over and over again, I gradually overcame the fear.

I seriously felt like a clown.

“What do I mean to you?”

Then, the last question arrived.

“About brother?”

I widened my eyes in surprise.

How did I feel about him? As I was thinking about what to say, I widened my eyes and stared at him before an interesting idea popped inside my head.

“Since we’re talking about brother Castor here… Well, can I just say what I’m thinking?”

I mumbled to myself as I blinked my eyes. Then I lifted my head and stared into Castor’s eyes.

“You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen!”

I could only admire myself for being able to talk like this until now. I was able to talk like such a dufus despite the fact that his eyes were glimmering. I must have appeared more stupid than I intended to be.

“Ah, my bad. I called you by your name. Uhm… Since you’ve been calling me comfortably until now, can I call brother by his name?”

How funny. Could I call this a talent I developed after dying dozens of times. Although I had never acted before, I could have been a born actor. Should I take it a step further? I snorted.

It was an unwritten rule established in the Empire that no one could call Castor by his name. His name was so precious, people could not dare speak it with their tongues. It was only second to the Emperor’s itself. This made it so hard to curse him in public though.

Castor only allowed Rusbella to say his name but she herself did not know that.

Whatever that meant and whatever the details were of his permission, she became the only one who could call the first child of the Emperor by his name. Though she did not know that.

That was his tragedy. A tragedy that could not even garner sympathy.

Castor laughed quietly as he lowered his head to face the ground.

“No matter what you call me today, you will still be dismissed for your interactions with the Templar.”

When he looked up with one of his hands sweeping up his hair, the loose smile on his face made my heart thump.

The face he made every time before I died.

“I’m going to dispose of you here for interacting with the forbidden Templar.” (1)

My sin, which I had heard about countless times already, was a sin I did not know of and could not even get a clue about.

On the 13th attempt, a sudden thought hit me. Why would I have committed taboos when I did not even have the powers of a God? Then, Castor had replied, “You have a power that only rebels have, obtained from offering a living sacrifice.” (2)

“Well, what’s a forbidden templar?”

He froze.

My experiences with him in the past disappeared and in its place was fear all over again.

“… I-I don’t know about things like that very well. I-In my theology classes, my teacher only cared about my smart brother. W-what can I do about a sin I don’t even know about!”

His eyes that looked like melted gold shone brightly. He who had never allowed me to give excuses before was listening.

“This is unfair, I’m telling you this is unfair!”

His soft golden eyes gazed upon me, making me feel only fear amidst this whirlwind of emotions. I stopped closing my eyes.

‘Now, please let me go from this hellish repetition of life.

Seeing him approach slowly, I closed my eyes tightly again.

Just like an earthworm wriggling around in the rain, resentment grew within me. So I relished in it and slowly formed my expression.

“Is this unfair to you?”

Castor mocked in his languid voice. Not only was his voice calm, his face was relaxed and he strolled lightlyt. The way colour was painted all over his otherwise always monotonous face and the bright smile he carried were things I did not see even when he sliced my neck with a sword. His brilliant golden eyes looked at me.

“Yes, this is unfair!”

I lowered my eyes before looking up again once I was finished talking.

“I-I’m on brother’s side.”

I did not ignore the momentary stir I created in him.

“B-brother, I don’t know anything about my sins but did I do anything wrong? D-did such a horrible crime occur in my palace? I would gladly follow my brother’s words and orders with my life!”

I was doing good. My mouth chattered away. Though I was saying these things from what I was actually feeling at the moment, I still acted like a sheltered lady who grew up in some garden of flowers.

“M-my dear brother.”

I straightened my shaky legs and stood upright. I was far from being scared, instead feelings of anger and resentment coursed through my veins coldly. Trying to conceal the emotional baggage I had collected and channeling my determination to survive, I grinded my teeth and dug my fingernails into my palm. I quickly looked resentful and tilted my head before raising my voice.

“Brother’s achievements, great looks and brilliant knights. Even without them, I would’ve still looked forward to seeing you. I had been waiting for the day I would become an adult and head to the central palace but I’m scared of treason! This is unfair!”

At the next moment, his golden eyes eased slowly before the ends of his eyes crinkled slightly.

“Your opinion doesn’t matter.”

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Castor lifted the corners of his mouth and narrowed the distance between us to two steps. I stood still. Slowly, his hand touched my shoulder.

“However, …”

His gaze travelled down his arm before stopping at his fingertips. He winced. Something stirred him up slightly. Castor grabbed onto me and I saw his face twist into something else.

“I’m starting to wonder what’s inside of you.”

“What… What… are you saying?”

I blinked in surprise before biting my lower lip. As if it took me a lot of effort to even say these words. Before I knew it, my eyes were moist. My tears flowed down constantly just like how I came back to life. The man who with just a touch caused my tears to flow was reflected in every single one of them.

“I-if brother could have just asked if I knew of a forbidden templar honestly, I would have just told you the truth that I did not know.”

“…..”

“B-being the flower of the Empire that I am, what if I can’t go to a good place because of my sin?”

I carefully stopped gripping my hands together and reached out for Castor’s sleeve.

“I-I don’t want to be useless. I’ll do anything to get to the central palace…! Studying, embroidery and music! I’ll work harder on playing instruments! So to not ask me of the sin that prevents me from going to the central palace…”

“You want to go to the central palace?”

“Yes… Yes! I want to go to the gathering that’s held on every night of the 7th. I hadn’t committed any crime!”

“Kekeke, amazing.”

Castor contorted his face with a sneer and gave me an unknown look. His gaze did not turn away from my lips as if they had been nailed to them.

“B-brother doesn’t know how boring it is to be stuck here. It’s dull and m-my maids are different from the ones from the city, they’re a little rustic… So that’s why I waited for brother to come. My teacher said that no one would come and find me but I’m sure that he’s just lying.”

Now, my eyes that possessed emotions that even I was not aware of shifted slowly since it was hard for even me to guess they were showing.

“I-I still can’t believe it. My hands are shaking and… my heart is thumping. I don’t know why you hate me but I’m willing to do anything for brother! O-once I know whatever that means.”

I held my breath so that my flushed face could be seen in those black pupils of his.

“Hate you? Me?”

‘You?’ He seemed to be asking.

“W-well, then why were you staring at me like that? Y-you scared me…”

When I could overcome my fear of Castor, the methods I could use to survive increased exponentially. I had cried, begged and tried to run away from Castor. And now, I was imitating a moron. Based on the 40 experiences I had, I knew this was the answer.

I was now not afraid of anything other than coming back to life again. To experience the pain of being pierced through my abdomen was unthinkable but at least it was over after some patience. It lightened the weight of death. Was I still me? I was scared.

Please, before I no longer become human, I wanted to move on to the future.

At that moment, Castor grabbed my hand that had been playing with my own fingertips before grabbing my chin. I saw his livid face dangerously close to mine.

“Ashley Rosé.”

I had no idea what had upset him so much but I was perfectly satisfied with the typhoon I created in his eyes. The way he grabbed my neck hurt but I could endure it.

“What a relief. I wanted to take that load off my mind.”

His face where all his fury condensed into was rough and terrifying but it was not as scary as the first time I saw it. Though the dark cave ahead of me was scary, the tunnel that revealed after walking through the cave was not that scary.

‘I’m not scared.’

He could no longer reign over me with fear using his facial expressions. The safest place to escape from a typhoon was within its eye and not from a distance.

‘I am in the eye of the typhoon that was Castor.’

The tyrant. A Prince with unisexual golden eyes. And only Rusbella was contained within them. The eyes were dry of emotions and filled with gold with strange patterns appearing in them before disappearing again. I felt a sharp burn on my cheek.

I felt as if I was staring at how the intangible form of madness was being blown in the strong winds.

Was my chin tingling?

I did not have time to think. Castor let me go roughly before approaching my maids and standing in front of an injured woman in the front row.

“Rende Bessitemus, right? As far as I know, Auresia brought you here but you were abandoned along with her daughter.”

“… Yes, Your Highness. I have been with the Princess since she was a baby.”

Castor took out his sword and placed it at the old lady’s neck.

“Yes, that means you know the Princess the best.”

What was scary about Castor was that he did not look like a madman. The same madman who grabbed my chin and was livid just a moment ago.

He eased his face gently and asked my nanny with a soft smile.

“Tell me who that child’s favorite maid is.”

“Huh? That…”

“Or would you rather see to the death of the princess you care about so much?”

My nanny lowered her head.

‘No! You can’t, nanny!’

My quivering nanny looked up before bowing again but it was enough for Castor.

‘No!’

I thought that this time, no one would need to die for me to survive until that long-legged Castor stabbed Hannah even before I could start running.

… I was foolish enough to think that no one could get hurt this time.

T/N:

(1): Hi made a mistake here because my image conversion (aka the process I undergo to convert my raws.jpg to text) recognised some of the words wrongly in the raws (which also made me worried that this happened before but i just did not notice). So Ashley’s sin is only because she interacted with a forbidden templar of chaos and Castor was here to judge her for it. Sorry for the mishap.

(2): May change in the future because the way he said it was very ambiguous but it sounded very important so I added all the details the raws stated that I would have otherwise skipped to be more vague.

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