Chapter 16: 16

Embrace and Covet

 

Ou Tingyun was keenly aware of his abnormalities: "What's wrong?"

Yi Zhize stood still, his mind uncontrollably flooded with many, many images.

———

“Ze Ze, did you have a good lesson today?"

"Yes, the teacher praised me and gave me a little red flower!"

"That's great, let's go and buy walnut cakes to eat today, okay?"

“Okay!!!"

———

"Zhize?” Ou Tingyun was concerned, " Are you not feeling well?"

Yi Zhize closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, "I'm fine, I'm just a little tired."

"Just that?"

“En."

“Okay, then after dinner, go home early and rest."

“En."

As they moved along Lijing Road, the scenery around them became more and more familiar and Yi Zhize began to break into a cold sweat.

Passing a school, Ou Tingyun introduced it, "Look, Zhize, this is Nineteenth High School, my high school alma mater."

Yi Zhize's memory had drifted back to a certain afternoon twenty years ago, and what he saw was his mother's gentle face.

———

"Mom, what are they reading? It's so beautiful."

"An old poem: Red beans grow in the south, several branches sprout in spring. May you pick them more often, this is the thing you miss most."

"Are red beans sweet?"

"Well, that's the taste of longing."

———

Yi Zhize stopped: "Sorry, I'm going back to the hotel."

"Zhize, you haven't eaten dinner yet."

"Not hungry."

"That's no good, you need to replenish your strength after all the walking you've done this afternoon."

"No appetite."

"Then let's go back and order takeaway,” Ou Tingyun said, "and you can lie down and rest. When the takeaway arrives, I'll wake you up to eat with me."

Yi Zhize acted as if he hadn't heard him at all and just walked back with his head in his hands.

It was as if... he was running away.

Ou Tingyun stood behind him, watching his distant back with a sullen gaze.

Suddenly, a man in a hoodie came out from around the corner and bumped into Yi Zhize, rudely and aggressively.

Ou Tingyun walked quickly to Yi Zhize's side and asked, "Are you alright?"

Yi Zhize shook his head.

The man, in a hurry, quickly dived into the alleyway ahead and immediately disappeared

Ou Tingyun noticed that there was a white envelope at Yi Zhize's feet, "Zhize, I don't think this is yours, is it?"

Yi Zhize bit his lower lip firmly, and the bottom of his eyes were as deep as a dark pool.

"Did he drop it?" Ou Tingyun picked up the envelope, and on the plain white cover, there were three large letters written in red ink. It was Yi Zhize's name.

Staring at his name, Yi Zhize's Adam’s apple rolled.

"Zhize, have you offended someone recently?” Ou Tingyun recalled the attack at the law firm last time: "Could it be another case of malicious revenge from another party?"

"I don't know." Trying his best to keep his tone calm, Yi Zhize blandly said, "It's already the third letter."

"Just go straight to the police." Ou Tingyun said, "This thing is physical evidence."

Yi Zhize whispered, "Open it."

"You want me to open it?"

"Mmm."

Tearing open the envelope, Ou Tingyun pulled out a yellowing newspaper from inside.

Not a full newspaper, to be precise, but a small piece that had been cut out, printed on which was an obituary that read:

[The whole school is deeply shocked and saddened by the death of Xie Qingmeng, a teacher at our city's Nineteenth High School. We extend our deepest condolences to the family...]

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Yi Zhize only felt the blood all over his body go cold, and the autumn breeze brushed by, like razor blades cutting into his heart.

Ou Tingyun immediately stuffed the newspaper back into the envelope: "There's nothing to see."

"Xie Qingmeng," Yi Zhize looked at him and said, word for word, "is my mother."

Ou Tingyun folded up the envelope and put it in his coat pocket, watching Yi Zhize's mood carefully.

Yi Zhize's expression was indifferent, not at all overly reactive, but he just seemed more silent and introspective than usual.

Back at the hotel, Yi Zhize went straight to his room.

Ou Tingyun deliberately left a gap for him to digest his emotions alone, finished his dinner in the restaurant on the ground floor, packed one portion and brought it back to him.

It was well into the night and only a dim light was on in the room.

Ou Tingyun placed the dinner on the table and called softly, "Zhize? Are you there?"

There was no answer.

The only light source that was on, on the writing desk next to him, had a note placed under it.

[You rest first, no need to wait for me.]

———

Yi Zhize bought a few bottles of wine from the convenience store downstairs, and then took the elevator to the top floor of the building.

The rooftop was deserted and the night breeze was cold.

Leaning on the edge of the guardrail, he looked down from the 32nd floor to the dazzling lights that were a mix of neon and traffic.

He had lied to Ou Tingyun

He was not unfamiliar with B City.

This was the place where he was born.

And he hadn't lied to Ou Tingyun.

He really couldn't remember.

He only vaguely remembered that he had been born here, that he had spent the best years of his life here as a child...

And all of that had been plunged into eternal night the moment his mother had died.

He could not drink.

He had tried many times and had never figured out why anyone would like the taste of wine.

He liked the taste of milk.

And sweet juices.

Those would give him the illusion of being stuck in the old days.

As the wine entered his throat, it instantly stirred up a layer of mist under his eyes.

Drinking a little too quickly, he choked and Yi Zhize arched his back, coughing softly.

"You obviously don't know how to drink, yet you're still trying to be a hero." Ou Tingyun found this place and took the bottle from him, "Share some with me?"

Yi Zhize stubbornly snatched it back, "No."

"How petty.” Ou Tingyun leaned against the railing, "It's no fun to drink alone, shall I chat with you?"

"No need."

"Zhize, do you like B City?"

"No."

"I don't like it either.” Ou Tingyun said, "But I was born here, and there are memories of my childhood here. All the cities in the world are boring in themselves, nothing more than things built of steel and concrete. The meaning of it lies in the people who spend time there together."

Yi Zhize did not reply.

Ou Tingyun said, "Time is the most meaningless measure when it comes to emotional experience. Some moments are long and fleeting, others are fleeting and long. While wallowing can never free us, occasionally, we can indulge."

When the wine was finished, Yi Zhize dropped the bottle at his feet.

Ou Tingyun leaned in close and whispered in his ear, "Occasional indulgence is not degradation; a reasonable catharsis will instead make you tougher. You're repressing yourself, aren't you, Zhize?"

Yi Zhize's Adam’s apple bobbed as Ou Tingyun stared at him, their breaths intertwined.

"I'm your therapist, someone you can trust.” Ou Tingyun's voice was gentle, "With me, you are not bound by status, there is no judgement of right or wrong, you are just you, completely and totally you."

Ou Tingyun gently put his arm around his shoulders, "It's okay to pour it out or be silent. Zhize, feel your emotions. Channel it, don't suppress it. Vent it, don't repress it. I will keep you absolutely safe, on whatever level." 

Yi Zhize's breath was slightly chaotic.

His face rested on the side of Ou Tingyun's neck.

There was neither a rejection nor a response to the embrace.

Ou Tingyun comforted his patient with great patience.

There was a wetness on the nape of his neck

 

It was his silent tears.

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